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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
StEval · 21/12/2021 18:38

Wow. You've been together 30 years and you've never made him lunch or eaten at the same time. That's quite an achievementWell done.

I said lunch Hmm
He work shifts so hes out at 6am, Im out at 9am, hes often working at the weekend.
He eats breakfast and lunch early.
I dont.
Its really no issue or problem at all.

Kite22 · 21/12/2021 18:39

How does he feed himself in the office? Does he have a servant bring it to him?

He can be as mystified as he likes, the simple reality is that talking to you like a servant is rude and you don't like it. That should be enough to stop it

This ^

The issue here is that he is speaking to you like some sort of subordinate who is employed to wait upon him, rather than like an equal partner.
I mean, in my house each of us is perfectly capable of making our own lunch and normally would, but if one of us had back to back meetings, they might ask the other if they wouldn't mind bringing something in at 1pm as that was a meeting they didn't need their camera on for / that was informal enough to be eating in. The issue here is the way he is 'demanding' it.

For those that have referred to the 1950s - my parents married in the 50s and my Dad would NEVER have spoken to my Mum like that, indeed, nor would either set of Grandparents who were married in the 1920s. It is nothing to do with the decade we are living in, and everything to do with a man who for, whatever reason that we don't know, seems to be lacking in any sort of emotional literacy.

DareDevil223 · 21/12/2021 18:39

@diydh

Sorry, we have three children. I should have said. But they are 10, 12, 14.

We have never really discussed me working, to those who ask. When I was pregnant, he said he didn’t want me working now we were having a family. I wanted to be with our children as well, so that’s not been an issue in itself.

"When I was pregnant, he said he didn’t want me working now we were having a family."

So you didn't have a say in that or anything else in your life? I'm not sure that lunch is the problem here.

SapphireSeptember · 21/12/2021 18:40

@Mouseonmychair What's wrong with working part time? Hmm What if your partner got ill and could only work part time, or had to stop working altogether?

Chasingaftermidnight · 21/12/2021 18:40

This is why working mothers have it so hard. We are working with and competing for promotions with men who have so much help at home they are pretty much ‘staff’.

I worked alongside a man who’s wife prepared his lunches, ironed his clothes etc. He had the cheek to comment on me looking ‘windswept’ one day after I’d rushed in after taking the youngest to nursery to make a meeting in time. The fucker.

I agree with this and I’ve found that those types of men to be the absolute worst colleagues. Deep down, they just don’t believe mothers should be there.

thymetologout · 21/12/2021 18:40

My DH rarely gets time to make himself anything, and might phrase it 'could you make lunch for 1pm?' If I made nothing would simply not eat and would not comment about that. He doesn't expect it, but will ask. I'm cool with that. I ask him to do jobs sometimes too. We're a team. It doesn't always feel like that when I'm knee deep in washing, but if I look at it rationally he works insane hours, I don't, I get far more free time than him, so sadly the washing probably is my job!

Mojoj · 21/12/2021 18:42

He'd be wearing his lunch at 1pm....

WhoIsBernieBrown · 21/12/2021 18:42

He would make a sandwich or something, but he wouldn’t be delighted about if.

Wtf are these men that work Very Busy Important jobs but couldn't possibly slap a sarnie together? It's baffling.

WeyAyeMan · 21/12/2021 18:42

@1ofthosedayz

Ummm not twice...
😂😂
BruceAndNosh · 21/12/2021 18:43

Honestly, it's SOOO difficult to get decent staff these days...Grin

BitterTits · 21/12/2021 18:43

In the context of you not having a paid job and him being the financial provider, it's less outrageous.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/12/2021 18:44

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

This is why working mothers have it so hard. We are working with and competing for promotions with men who have so much help at home they are pretty much ‘staff’.

I worked alongside a man who’s wife prepared his lunches, ironed his clothes etc. He had the cheek to comment on me looking ‘windswept’ one day after I’d rushed in after taking the youngest to nursery to make a meeting in time. The fucker.

OMG totally.

All the people in my career who have belittled me about trivia like this are without exception men with stay at home wives. It makes them feel smug that you may be better than them at everything but they will always have something you don’t. A compliant domestic helpmeet.

PickAChew · 21/12/2021 18:45

@diydh

He expects me to make him lunch when he’s at home, yes.

He is always on the phone or Zoom etc and his whole vibe is he doesn’t have time. But I think he does have more time than he makes out, to be honest. No I don’t work which is why he has this expectation probably. But yes, it’s the way he asks. Not just on this occasion. I find him very blunt. But he’s mystified if I tell him this.

You need to arrange to be out at lunchtime, once in a while. And, if he issues orders, tell him very firmly that you're not staff.
Chloemol · 21/12/2021 18:47

Nope

Fomofo · 21/12/2021 18:49

It's not ones job to make lunch because one doesn't work or have kids, how do single people survive without people making lunch for them

StationaryMagpie · 21/12/2021 18:51

this is one of those "Its not what you say, its how you say it, that matters"

If its usually you that does lunch, and he's letting you know when he's free to take a lunch break so you know when to expect him, then fine, but there are ways to ask without making it seem like you're the short order cook.

"Would it be ok for us to have lunch about 1 today?" or "I've got time for lunch between 1 and 2 today, is that ok with you?"

If asked the way your H asked, my ex would have got "What did your last slave die of?" in reply.

I'd also have found some reason to NOT be around to have his lordships lunch available...

You're his wife, not his housekeeper.

gannett · 21/12/2021 18:51

"Can we have lunch at X time because I need to do Y" is acceptable, so is "I'm snowed under all day, could you possibly make me a sandwich for X time".

"Please have lunch ready for 1pm" is not necessarily an unreasonable request in itself but the tone is unacceptable.

LizzieSiddal · 21/12/2021 18:52

What does he have for luck when he’s at work?

Cofifeefee · 21/12/2021 18:52

I will get flamed for this but if you don't work and you don't have young children to look after, I don't think it's outrageous that you make lunch. If roles were reversed, he'd be called a cocklodger.

Original poster
diydh · 21/12/2021 18:55

I don’t know that to say to him really as he won’t get it. He would just see me as unnecessarily moaning. I don’t want him to feel as if I take him for granted and I don’t want him to feel annoyed with me because overall, I have a good life. My life is easier if he’s happy with things and that’s the truth if it.

OP posts:
lilly7221w · 21/12/2021 18:56

Ah yes, my husband would dictate the time, i'd be expected to serve it to his home office. when he'd finished he'd leave the plate on the floor outside the door for me to clean up.

I divorced him!

girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 18:57

@diydh

I don’t know that to say to him really as he won’t get it. He would just see me as unnecessarily moaning. I don’t want him to feel as if I take him for granted and I don’t want him to feel annoyed with me because overall, I have a good life. My life is easier if he’s happy with things and that’s the truth if it.
Just tell him you'll make his lunch if he asks you respectfully as an equal - but you won't for as long as he speaks to you like his secretary.
lilly7221w · 21/12/2021 18:57

My life is easier if he’s happy with things and that’s the truth if it.
-----

You are married to he demand man. google it.

dodobookends · 21/12/2021 18:58

[quote WhatMattersMost]@dodobookends - But we don't know the full context. Far from it.[/quote]
Well, quite. There is probably a whole lot more to it.

girlmom21 · 21/12/2021 18:58

Tbh if I was a secretary and someone spoke to me like that I wouldn't actually make their lunch either... or a PA or anything else.

Manners cost nothing.