To tell them I'm not going for Christmas anymore?

[PinkStarAtNight]

Hi everyone,

I need advice on whether I should follow my instinct and do what I feel like doing in response to this, or whether I am overreacting and letting my emotions take over...

So, I always go to my partner's parents house for Christmas. We have been together nearly three years. He still lives at home and so do I. (We are 25 and 26 in case that's relevant.) Ever since we've been together I have always been to his house, usually a few days before Christmas day and stay until after boxing day, apart from last year when I only went for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day due to covid.

So the plan was for me to go as usual this year. We are all double vaccinated and we agreed we would all do covid tests to make sure we were being safe. My partner said that his mum had told him she wanted us to be there in the run up to Christmas so we could help out. The two of us discussed when I should go over there and we agreed on Monday, as in today, so that I would have time to settle in, unpack etc and help out in the run up. I have also had to send all his presents to his house as I ordered late- they are arriving at his all this week and I was planning to wrap them in private as they arrived. Another reason was covid - we were thinking its best for me to do a test and then isolate there up until Christmas to make it safe, and if the government brought in restrictions around movement I would already be there; tested, negative and isolated and therefore covid safe.

I did ask my partner if it was definitely ok with his mum that I arrived on Monday, as it would mean me being there all week. He said he had told her and she was fine with it. So, today I spent the whole morning and early afternoon rushing around packing, getting ready, and going shopping for my food (I'm veggie so I'm taking my own vegan turkey and veggie starter to have xmas day). This afternoon my partner messaged me to say that his mum has asked could I go Thursday instead, because she has decided that an extra person in the house in the run up to Christmas is too much, as they only have one bathroom so that would be five of us in the house, and she is stressed with working all week and preparing for Christmas and she doesn't want us in the kitchen making food, making a mess and we both get long showers so it will be difficult. I don't quite understand these two comments because we don't cook a lot in her house, we mainly eat out or get takeaway and when we do cook we wash up. They ALL take very long showers, much longer than I do. The fact they have one bathroom is difficult a lot of the time - there's been many times I've been in his room bursting for a wee and not being able to get into the bathroom because one of his family have been having a 30 min shower. I'm never longer than that I don't think.

Anyway, I was very upset at the short notice - my suitcase is fully packed and I have a big bag filled with food and drinks to take over, I got up early and rushed to go shopping so that I could get back to finish my Christmas cake and make a pate, all in preparation to get there for this evening. My mum put off seeing her friends to give me a lift to the supermarket because I explained I needed to go today and I had fallen behind on things. So my mum is also upset that she could have seen her friends.

I am behind with things because my mental health has been especially bad these last few weeks, I have severe ocd. So I recognise I'm behind on plans and that's why I had to rush thinking I was going today. I was really looking forward to getting there and being with my partner because he always makes me feel better and helps with my anxiety and I miss him a lot, so I think I'm a lot more shaken up and upset because of that. However I did find it inconsiderate for her to go back on the plan at such short notice and even after he told her I had already packed. When I questioned him saying 'but you told me she'd said it was fine' his reply was 'well she did moan about it a bit and say it wasn't great, but she reluctantly agreed.' I'm very pissed off with him for that because I would never have planned to go today if I'd known she wasn't happy with it. BUT I also think she shouldn't have agreed reluctantly only to go back on it on the day.

When I got the message I just broke down in tears. Dramatic I know but as I said I've been really struggling mentally and the only way I managed to go shopping and pack everything was thinking about seeing my partner, then to be told that I'm not welcome until Thursday because basically his mum doesn't want me around because I apparently make a mess and have long showers! Also the short notice is really upsetting, like she has a lack of consideration for me and my mum.

The other thing is that his mum has a history of doing this. Last summer she kept yo yoing between saying that I could go and see my partner and he could come see me, to suddenly always at the last minute say I couldn't go or he couldn't come see me because of covid. There was one time that her and her partner had a friend over to stay, and they had drinks and takeaway, and very shortly after that she said I couldn't go over there because the cases had gone up. I wouldn't mind so much if she just stuck to her decisions instead of changing at the last minute all the time. Last year she said I could go over to see my partner for his birthday. Then at the last minute she said I would have to stay outside in the garden (it was really cold!) then felt guilty and said I could go in as long as I stayed at the table and didn't use the loo...she's very changeable and goes back on things at short notice a lot. My partner says its because she gets stressed about things. I suppose I understand that, I have severe anxiety myself! But I would never inconvenience someone or do something unfair because of it.

When I told my mum about this she said she wouldn't be surprised if on Thursday my partner's mum changes her mind again. After all we still don't know what the government will say and what restrictions will be put in place. I don't want to unpack everything today, and then pack everything up again for Thursday only for her to again say at the last minute that I can't go at all. With my mental health it really doesn't help having constant changes and feeling like I'm on an emotional rollacoaster. I also feel a bit offended and upset about the things she said and the idea that I'm clearly not seen as part of the family so she doesn't want me around. And I'm in disbelief of how she could cancel at the last minute. Its almost unbelievable that anyone would do that and I can't help a tiny niggling thought that maybe my partner is the one who doesn't want me around so he's made all of this up. He has said before that he sometimes struggles to deal with my anxiety so I'm half thinking maybe he just doesn't want me there. I know that sounds a bit crazy and I know that my anxiety does make me paranoid about things sometimes...I just don't know what to think and I'm feeling very upset about all of it.

Anyway, sorry this was so long! My question is...WIBU to just politely say that I won't bother going for Christmas because I can't deal with the possibility that I might unpack and pack again only to be told I can't go on Thursday and also don't feel like going and having a happy Christmas now anyway? My mum doesn't celebrate Christmas and I've got no other family to spend it with so it will mean having a very low key and lonely Christmas by myself - but is that better than being messed around and being on a rollacoaster of expectation and disappointment? I'm not even sure if I can manage to go over there and sit eating Christmas dinner with someone who didn't want me there a few days in advance, like she wants to minimise the time I'm there. I also feel like my partner should learn to communicate better (i.e telling me his mum had agreed reluctantly) and his mum should learn not to mess people around. However I don't know whether this is too petty and I'm massively overreacting/letting my anxiety make everything seem worse...also if I don't go this year am I ruining it for all future years? But then again at this moment in time I honestly feel like saying I'm never going there again. Basically I'm still very upset and wound up so I'm looking for honest, balanced advice from people. How would you feel in this situation/what would you do?

Thank you to all who read this far, sorry it was a bit of a rant!

@SecretKeeper1

I’ve just read all your messages again, OP, and something stands out. You’re upset that your MIL has abruptly changed your plans and say you’d never do that to anybody. Yet you did it to your mum, this morning, by making her cancel her plans with friends.

You’ve also said your boyfriend finds your anxiety hard to deal with. His mum obviously finds you awkward to be around. Your mum is exasperated and put upon. Your anxiety is not just affecting you.

I agree with others that you need to take a break, get medical / mental health help, and try to put together a basic plan. I still think you should go on Thursday, but you must try to be a little more easy going, see if it makes any difference.

Lots of small steps are so much easier to manage than a few big strides. I hope this picture helps you.

This is such an important message for you to read OP.

I do understand mental health issues can be so overwhelming you can't see beyond what will help you survive, but this was selfish and difficult behaviour from you. You haven't made any allowance for the fact your refusal to get stuck in at your BFs mums house (it's not his house) means you are a hard work guest for her and therefore would negatively effect her mental health having you there.

Stay with your mum until Christmas day. Go over on Christmas day come home on boxing day. Look for a full time job. Consider if a man who at 26 is not able to look after himself is a good choice of partner for a woman with mental health issues who needs a supportive partner.

"Stay with your mum until Christmas day. Go over on Christmas day come home on boxing day. Look for a full time job. Consider if a man who at 26 is not able to look after himself is a good choice of partner for a woman with mental health issues who needs a supportive partner."

This ^ is sound advice

@Takemedown

Look up Pure OCD or OCD Intrusive Thoughts. I don't get a break, its constant. Medication is hard because the health ocd theme has me terrified about side effects. Counselling is hard because I'm scared to tell anyone my thoughts. Today in the supermarket my thoughts almost had me breaking down crying in the middle of the aisle. So I needed to know my mum was there.

One way or another you need proper help. Yes medication has side effects but... Otherwise what's your plan? Rely on your mum and your boyfriend forever while life passes you by? You owe it to yourself to get help so you can live the rest of your life free of this illness.

I'm not being dismissive. I've got a long and severe history of anxiety, depression and ptsd. I didn't want to go on medication either. But i did, and had psychotherapy and it saved my life and i live normally, free of intrusive thoughts 95% of the time. Some people do understand what is like to live with a severe mh condition. But i personally also understand how much of a difference therapy and medication can make, or the right treatment for you however that looks. But that won't happen until you pluck up the courage to ask for help. Your first step should be your GP.

^ This.

I also have severe OCD but have been through the journey of finding the right medication and am going through IAPT for the second time. In between IAPT series I pay for private support, because it DOES help. I am able to manage this in my own down time now and it doesn’t affect my family or work.

I am a mum with a young family, I work PT and I’m studying for a Masters. You CAN get better. Aim high.

@whitewashing

If I was his mother I’d be packing my bags and going to a hotel for Christmas and leaving the three of you to it! I’m exhausted reading that! It sounds as if she has enough to put up with day to day without a house guest who doesn’t speak and has to be chaperoned to the kitchen!

Exactly right. Or I'd be asking to work over Christmas!

i think you should take this as a hard but necessary wake up call. Get the help you need to become more independent, get a job, get a career and move out. i have older teens and you sound like them - they can't see the extra work boyfriends and friends over all the time makes and no way would i want someone there a whole week before xmas lounging around while i'm still working and doing all of xmas prep on top. How much does your boyf help his mum? sounds like she's already got him hanging around getting in the way without his girlfriend joining the queue.

also just think a little about how stressed you have been packing a bag for you and picking some food up for one person. she is still working, running a house and doing al the xmas prep - come on now of course you'd be in the way and even if you weren't, moping about my home while i'm working my arse off would pee me off

I would think that staying in someone's house for a week where you 'have to walk on eggshells' and aren't comfortable there would be a nightmare for you!
Living together sounds good but How are you going to get your own place if neither of you work?

@DazzlePaintedBattlePants

Can the OP really not stick up a Christmas tree and cook a roast dinner at her house, and invite her BF? It’s fine not to intrude on the OP’s mum so that the OP could do Xmas in her own house, but at the same time expect someone else to put up with you for a week?

No she can't her mum, who she lives with, doesn't celebrate on religious grounds.

From your OP it sounds like you both live with your own parents? This can be a difficult dynamic putting a strain on otherwise good relationships as his DM is often always slightly involved if you see each other. Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face or you will feel much worse. Go on Thursday and enjoy your time there. I understand your disappointment but try and see if from his mums perspective - it would have been better to have let you know sooner not perhaps she just became overwhelmed with work and preparations and was being honest that she needed a bit if space. Don’t take it personally as the complaints she mentions are generic to any house guest and not personal.

Darling please don't take any notice of others comments on you showering or what is or is not acceptable for house guests. It's not nice for everyone to be so judgy, every family is different. I agree with Icepinkeskimo, it is clear that your anxiety is taking over. I am surprised by other posters that they are not able to see the real picture rather than just be reactive to your posts.
I think his mum loves you, you make her son happy, she previously said that she was absolutely expecting you for Christmas.
Sometimes we 'mums' get worn out. I don't think she has any issues with you being there, her son may not have even told her and just assumed it would be ok. She probably just wants a bit more time to prepare.
Go on Thursday and have a lovely time xx

If the OP’s mum won’t let her put up a Christmas tree in her own house, even more reason to move out!

@DazzlePaintedBattlePants

If the OP’s mum won’t let her put up a Christmas tree in her own house, even more reason to move out!

It’s not OP’s house, it’s her mum’s. Her house, her rules.

@DazzlePaintedBattlePants

If the OP’s mum won’t let her put up a Christmas tree in her own house, even more reason to move out!

Her mom's religious and her religion doesn't celebrate. OP is very reliant on her moms support. I don't think a Christmas tree should be a dealbreaker here...

OP, if one of the things thats happening is you being too anxious to relax in his moms house, then one of the ways to deal with that, is actually to offer to pitch in, get talking to her, get to know her.

However, i appreciate the anxiety side of things, i've struggled with my MH for years, and i feel the same in peoples houses, but one small step you can make is around making tea, and i think it'd be really good for you to try it while you're there over christmas.

When you want a cuppa, rather than dragging BF with you, or sending him, go yourself and ask his mum/brother if they'd like one too. It can help you with opening conversation, not feeling like you're intruding, and having a reason for being in the kitchen, do that a few times.

Also, i don't know if you do already do this, so my apologies, but ask if she needs help with the food prep or washing/cleaning up afterwards. Break the ice a little, if you're lacking a relationship with his mum after nearly 4 years together, it will be a HUGE help to your anxiety in his home to do a little work on your relationship with her.

Good luck, and keep your chin up, you've got this, i promise.

I actually really feel for you OP. It is very disappointing to not know where you stand, it is bad enough not knowing with the government and the current restrictions or not. I personally think you sound very mature in so many ways - the planning, the presents. You sound very organised. I think this is a real advantage in life. At 25 I was sharing a house with my husband (boyfriend at the time) and his brother and one of DH'S friends but we were all quite immature. Definitely didn't prep and plan anything for visiting our parents at Christmas.

OP you are only seeing things from your point of view, which is understandable, however I think your own issues are turning this into a far bigger deal than it needs to be and stopping you from seeing the situation from your partners mum's point of view.

She works full time, she is responsible financially and emotionally for 2 adult sons who still live with her yet don't work or contribute in any meaningful way. Added to that, one of her sons wants to add another adult to the mix for a full week when her plate us already overflowing. I imagine if the mum had written on gerr from her point of view she would have received a lot of support.

Don't take it personally, it more than likely isn't because she doesn't like you. She probably just doesn't have the physical and mental capacity to cope with a house guest for a full week.

You yourself are struggling with the most basic tasks, imagine having to not only sort yourself out but also be responsible for 2 other fully functioning adults and perhaps show some compassion for her rather than focusing so deeply on your own perceived slights.

I understand why you are upset with the last minute change of plans and that you might now feel a bit embarrassed and unwelcome but I do think the problem here is with your boyfriend not being truthful with you about how his mother really felt. I absolutely HATE having house guests so I can sympathise with her.

It sounds like both of her sons are complete dead weights and I agree with PPs who have said he will just drag you down. Can you honestly imagine a future where you are equal partners? I guarantee if you move in with him you'll be back on MN in a few months complaining about your man child boyfriend who still doesn't contribute.

I don’t quite understand how someone is too anxious to get a glass of water from her boyfriend’s mum’s kitchen but has the bravery to stay there every other weekend and for a week over Christmas. I would be mortified staying at my mum’s that often, let alone my boyfriend’s mum’s house.

Darling please don't take any notice of others comments on you showering or what is or is not acceptable for house guests. It's not nice for everyone to be so judgy, every family is different.

The woman who owns the house has specifically called this out. It’s really not in OPs best interest to ignore it. OP seemed to think 30mins is reasonable and the done thing, people are pointing out it’s not and that the boyfriends mum is not unreasonable to be unhappy about this. The boyfriends mum may take 2hr showers if she wants, and that’s fine as she owns the house, this doesn’t mean OP can take this as a sign that 30min showers are acceptable.

When the mum said ‘she was absolutely expecting her for Xmas’, this would typically mean an arrival on 24th and a departure on 26th. It’s silly to point out that because she said that she has changed her mind. Expecting someone for Xmas does not mean expecting them to rock up considerably in advance and stay a week.

There’s also a difference between hosting someone who works in and pitches in and someone who hasn’t so much as made a cup of tea without making it a two man show in the four years of staying over. I dare say this has contributed to the mums mindset. She seems to have two useless lumps at home, I would hardly think she is overjoyed when a third is added in. I’m a mum to adult kids living at home and I wouldn’t be thrilled. I’m more than happy to have some of my kids friends stay over but not others and ability to work in with the household and not sit there as a guest is pretty much the deciding factor and especially if staying on a routine basis.

She seems to have two useless lumps at home, I would hardly think she is overjoyed when a third is added in.

Harsh but true. At your ages op, you should be embarrassed behaving this way. If you are an awkward guest as it is, you will make the whole situation far more uncomfortable for the mum. I also think she meant you're welcome on the day, not an entire week before. It's the mil I feel sorry for. Obviously it's not nice to have bought alot of food before hand but if you had spoken to her you would have known where you stand. At your age I would expect you to.

@Squeezita

I don’t quite understand how someone is too anxious to get a glass of water from her boyfriend’s mum’s kitchen but has the bravery to stay there every other weekend and for a week over Christmas. I would be mortified staying at my mum’s that often, let alone my boyfriend’s mum’s house.

This; with bells on!!

It’s his mums house. Not yours.

Im struggling to see why you (OP) seem to only be taking note of the showers comment when everyone has clearly made it clear that the issue isn’t the shower duration. It’s the fact that your an extra guest in the house and I’m sorry but your not welcome. You need to respect his family’s opinion as it’s their house.

Also, I’m genuinely curious to know how you plan on apparently moving out and living together early next year (as you said) when your boyfriend doesn’t have a proper income and clearly can’t look after himself and relies heavily on his mummy telling him what to do; and you have a minimum income but plan on retraining?

It sounds like you both need to grow up and get a good dose of reality. Sometimes, subconsciously your surroundings and environment can affect your mental health. Trying to be someone else and living under the rules of your mummies surely must affect your self esteem and self worth. Especially when your not exactly teenagers anymore. In a few years time you will both be 30.

Get a full time job, focus on actively trying to move out and gain some independence instead of relying on mummy to chauffeur you around and look after you. Your a grown woman.
Get yourself into therapy and try new things and maybe even find a hobby as it sounds like you have way too much time in your hands and you sound even slightly bored.
Meet new people and see what you can be doing differently in your life.
Get medication if you feel your affected so much that you clearly can’t think straight.

There’s hundreds of people in this world with mental health problems and anxiety (including myself) but the best way to deal with the problem is to tackle it face on and make changes in your day to day life that will help you overcome these issues. Not blaming everyone else and using the excuse ‘I have mental health problems’. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you need a reality check.

Op, I say this with kindness but you sound absolutely EXHAUSTING. I do understand mental health issues. I'm bipolar and have PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, my OH has OCD. Yes we have lapses and dips but I honestly couldn't be with my OH if he was at his worst every day. I couldn't manage and would very very quickly resent him. You really do need to take step here .

DazzlePaintedBattlePants and everyone else who asked...
BF doesn't want to spend Christmas in an undecorated house with a mum who doesn't celebrate Christmas at all.

Some people were also asking why he couldn't come to mine from yesterday until Thursday and then we both travel to his...he said he couldn't because he had to be at home to go Christmas shopping, clean his room for Christmas, wrap presents and help his mum in the run up.

ChangeChingyChange - I never said we were both studying. I work. When I do study next year there are loans and grants to do a masters degree. I suppose you don't agree with that though do you? People should suffer through life and if you can't afford to fund a masters you shouldn't do one. I think you'll find that most professionals have had their studies either fully funded or heavily subsidised by the government and/or various charities.

Takemedown - thank you for being some of the few people who actually read my posts and acknowledged that I have a job!

I’m curious to know if your taking heed of some of these suggestions and advise OP or are you simply just reading and taking in what you want to hear and refusing to acknowledge you and your boyfriends lack of responsibilities and lack of awareness for other peoples feelings?

I think you hsould be blaming your boyfriend not his mum. He obviously hasnt been totally clear or honest with either of you and now it has come out that his mum doesnt want an extra house guest all week.

That's understandable - dont bite your nose off to spite your face and cause a scene. TAke a day or 2 to chill out and go on Thursday with a clear head and enjoy it.

I think you'll find that most professionals have had their studies either fully funded or heavily subsidised by the government and/or various charities

I'm pretty sure most people fund their masters degrees themselves, through a combination of working and taking out a loan.