To tell them I'm not going for Christmas anymore?

[PinkStarAtNight]

Hi everyone,

I need advice on whether I should follow my instinct and do what I feel like doing in response to this, or whether I am overreacting and letting my emotions take over...

So, I always go to my partner's parents house for Christmas. We have been together nearly three years. He still lives at home and so do I. (We are 25 and 26 in case that's relevant.) Ever since we've been together I have always been to his house, usually a few days before Christmas day and stay until after boxing day, apart from last year when I only went for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day due to covid.

So the plan was for me to go as usual this year. We are all double vaccinated and we agreed we would all do covid tests to make sure we were being safe. My partner said that his mum had told him she wanted us to be there in the run up to Christmas so we could help out. The two of us discussed when I should go over there and we agreed on Monday, as in today, so that I would have time to settle in, unpack etc and help out in the run up. I have also had to send all his presents to his house as I ordered late- they are arriving at his all this week and I was planning to wrap them in private as they arrived. Another reason was covid - we were thinking its best for me to do a test and then isolate there up until Christmas to make it safe, and if the government brought in restrictions around movement I would already be there; tested, negative and isolated and therefore covid safe.

I did ask my partner if it was definitely ok with his mum that I arrived on Monday, as it would mean me being there all week. He said he had told her and she was fine with it. So, today I spent the whole morning and early afternoon rushing around packing, getting ready, and going shopping for my food (I'm veggie so I'm taking my own vegan turkey and veggie starter to have xmas day). This afternoon my partner messaged me to say that his mum has asked could I go Thursday instead, because she has decided that an extra person in the house in the run up to Christmas is too much, as they only have one bathroom so that would be five of us in the house, and she is stressed with working all week and preparing for Christmas and she doesn't want us in the kitchen making food, making a mess and we both get long showers so it will be difficult. I don't quite understand these two comments because we don't cook a lot in her house, we mainly eat out or get takeaway and when we do cook we wash up. They ALL take very long showers, much longer than I do. The fact they have one bathroom is difficult a lot of the time - there's been many times I've been in his room bursting for a wee and not being able to get into the bathroom because one of his family have been having a 30 min shower. I'm never longer than that I don't think.

Anyway, I was very upset at the short notice - my suitcase is fully packed and I have a big bag filled with food and drinks to take over, I got up early and rushed to go shopping so that I could get back to finish my Christmas cake and make a pate, all in preparation to get there for this evening. My mum put off seeing her friends to give me a lift to the supermarket because I explained I needed to go today and I had fallen behind on things. So my mum is also upset that she could have seen her friends.

I am behind with things because my mental health has been especially bad these last few weeks, I have severe ocd. So I recognise I'm behind on plans and that's why I had to rush thinking I was going today. I was really looking forward to getting there and being with my partner because he always makes me feel better and helps with my anxiety and I miss him a lot, so I think I'm a lot more shaken up and upset because of that. However I did find it inconsiderate for her to go back on the plan at such short notice and even after he told her I had already packed. When I questioned him saying 'but you told me she'd said it was fine' his reply was 'well she did moan about it a bit and say it wasn't great, but she reluctantly agreed.' I'm very pissed off with him for that because I would never have planned to go today if I'd known she wasn't happy with it. BUT I also think she shouldn't have agreed reluctantly only to go back on it on the day.

When I got the message I just broke down in tears. Dramatic I know but as I said I've been really struggling mentally and the only way I managed to go shopping and pack everything was thinking about seeing my partner, then to be told that I'm not welcome until Thursday because basically his mum doesn't want me around because I apparently make a mess and have long showers! Also the short notice is really upsetting, like she has a lack of consideration for me and my mum.

The other thing is that his mum has a history of doing this. Last summer she kept yo yoing between saying that I could go and see my partner and he could come see me, to suddenly always at the last minute say I couldn't go or he couldn't come see me because of covid. There was one time that her and her partner had a friend over to stay, and they had drinks and takeaway, and very shortly after that she said I couldn't go over there because the cases had gone up. I wouldn't mind so much if she just stuck to her decisions instead of changing at the last minute all the time. Last year she said I could go over to see my partner for his birthday. Then at the last minute she said I would have to stay outside in the garden (it was really cold!) then felt guilty and said I could go in as long as I stayed at the table and didn't use the loo...she's very changeable and goes back on things at short notice a lot. My partner says its because she gets stressed about things. I suppose I understand that, I have severe anxiety myself! But I would never inconvenience someone or do something unfair because of it.

When I told my mum about this she said she wouldn't be surprised if on Thursday my partner's mum changes her mind again. After all we still don't know what the government will say and what restrictions will be put in place. I don't want to unpack everything today, and then pack everything up again for Thursday only for her to again say at the last minute that I can't go at all. With my mental health it really doesn't help having constant changes and feeling like I'm on an emotional rollacoaster. I also feel a bit offended and upset about the things she said and the idea that I'm clearly not seen as part of the family so she doesn't want me around. And I'm in disbelief of how she could cancel at the last minute. Its almost unbelievable that anyone would do that and I can't help a tiny niggling thought that maybe my partner is the one who doesn't want me around so he's made all of this up. He has said before that he sometimes struggles to deal with my anxiety so I'm half thinking maybe he just doesn't want me there. I know that sounds a bit crazy and I know that my anxiety does make me paranoid about things sometimes...I just don't know what to think and I'm feeling very upset about all of it.

Anyway, sorry this was so long! My question is...WIBU to just politely say that I won't bother going for Christmas because I can't deal with the possibility that I might unpack and pack again only to be told I can't go on Thursday and also don't feel like going and having a happy Christmas now anyway? My mum doesn't celebrate Christmas and I've got no other family to spend it with so it will mean having a very low key and lonely Christmas by myself - but is that better than being messed around and being on a rollacoaster of expectation and disappointment? I'm not even sure if I can manage to go over there and sit eating Christmas dinner with someone who didn't want me there a few days in advance, like she wants to minimise the time I'm there. I also feel like my partner should learn to communicate better (i.e telling me his mum had agreed reluctantly) and his mum should learn not to mess people around. However I don't know whether this is too petty and I'm massively overreacting/letting my anxiety make everything seem worse...also if I don't go this year am I ruining it for all future years? But then again at this moment in time I honestly feel like saying I'm never going there again. Basically I'm still very upset and wound up so I'm looking for honest, balanced advice from people. How would you feel in this situation/what would you do?

Thank you to all who read this far, sorry it was a bit of a rant!

A week is a long time to be in someone’s house. She’s still at work too, I’d hate that. I think Thursday is plenty and you should go then and accept their invitation. Your partner is in the wrong.

I don't wish to be harsh but it sounds rather as if both sons have been very used to leaving all the graft of Christmas to their Mum, so have no idea what is involved and the demands on her while they reap the benefits enjoying it.

My DPs last hosted family members a couple of times overnight in the 1970s (really!) and found it a trial - as I grew up we went to other relatives as a family - who did Christmas in proud style - and I loved it, but it was every single year and must have been both draining and expensive for our lovely relatives. We relaxed and they worked and shared their home etc. Now I get it, because I'm the next default Christmas host in line, my DPs live a long way away so have to stay for 7 days or more, and it also is difficult to introduce any variations on this set-up. I long for January most years, and wish that a lot of the week after Christmas could be spent on a chill-out holiday or something, but that would take more planning at an earlier time where I just have no time or mental space. If you feel at breaking point with all the background, demands, and turmoil, it's not out of the question that your host might do by now as well.

Ridiculous
I’m sorry but this is.

You need to grow up I’m sorry but you do.

I’m not understanding why twenty somethings are even asking mummy’s permission for everything.
You both to move out and gain some independence and self esteem.

Also; the reality is - it’s his mothers house so her rules and wishes stand.

If your really upset about spending Christmas Day alone - prepare to throw your own Christmas festivities. Stop relying on your boyfriend. Christmas doesn’t start and finish at his house only.

Seriously

I think the most baffling part of the whole thread is that the 30 year old brother doesn't have his own bank card 😮

Op I get why you're upset, your bf has put you and your mum in this position and its turned awkward.

I'd go Thursday and try to enjoy Christmas, forget this happened. If you make it a problem when you get there it will ruin the atmosphere.

Good luck

OP - I actually feel like I understand why you are feeling this way - it’s your OCD. It’s a very controlling condition and you need your OCD to feel comfortable - and that’s why these things have upset you.
I’m not an expert on OCD but grew up literally alongside it which is why when people call you immature and self centred I can see it isn’t you. It’s the arrested emotional development that comes with having an illness that likes to take top priority.
Your mother in law isn’t at all at fault here - your OCD is. I think your New Years resolution should be to address it headlong and see if Xmas feels any easter next year.

@PinkStarAtNight as @Offdutyfrom5 said, a therapist etc could of course really help you. I'm not a therapist but when I managed to stop having panc attacks when I was out much, this is how I did it:-

Focus on the task that you are doing rather than your internal thoughts/sensations (this was before mindfulness was a popular technique.)

My strategy before then wasn't to hang on to my mum, but I would tend to get home ASAP, giving up whatever task I'd planned to do.

If you focus on the unpleasant feelings/thoughts it makes it worse, and if you avoid doing an activity (or avoid doing it by yourself) it makes it harder to do.

She cha her her mind and doesn’t owe you or anyone an explanation

Respect her wishes and in the time your at home; reflect on what you can change in your life to make things easier.

She changed her mind*^

His mum clearly loves you both and tries her best to make you welcome but seriously OP? Read the room.

Can you not see that she is fed up of you both squishing into her home. You are both adults. Give her a break. It's time you both moved on and out into the real world and start making your own Christmas traditions in your own home.

OP, you are an intelligent lady, you've been to university. You have a degree. Surely you can see this?

Hey, I hope you are OK. Having anxiety and posting on mumsnet must be tough. Sorry to hear you have intrusive thoughts. My daughter is 12 and has them too. I haven't read all the responses but just wanted to say try not to worry. Hosting Christmas can be a very stressful thing, his mum is probably quite stressed and worn out with the preparations. She would probably rather you arrive when she is a bit more prepared and relaxed. Don't take it personally and the showers and food were just an excuse. Just as your anxiety affects you, she will have her own stresses and strains. Go on Thursday and enjoy it. Really it was not about you but how she is coping so please don't worry xx

Whenever I'm there I walk on eggshells and barely speak. He even says that I should be more confident in his house. This has causee a few arguments because I was brought up to barely breathe when you're in someone else's house so if I want a snack or a cup of tea I won't go and make it myself, I'll ask him to do it for me or at least go with me,

In the kindest way OP, you need to sort this. With therapy or medication, you must do something about your extreme anxiety.

One thing that struck me reading this thread is something a therapist said to me. It was about thoughts always being there, and living whilst accepting the thoughts. Have you heard of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy? Here's a video about living with the "passengers" that are your thoughts, anxieties etc. It's quite simple but something might make sense for you.

You say you're in your mid twenties but haven't looked for permanent work because you don't know what to do yet. Nor do a lot of people, and many a lot older than you, it's not just you. A permanent job even if it isn't the perfect job is better than ongoing temping.

As for your boyfriend, he's the one who told you staying for so long was fine when it wasn't. Relying on him to help your mental health is really unhelpful and also unhealthy. You need to start working towards standing on your own two feet. It sounds like you both enable each other in your ill health and that's no good for anyone.

Noone wants a houseguest that can't communicate with you unless they're chaperoned.

The mistake you're making here is that you clearly see it as your boyfriends house. It's not, it's his family home and that is a big and important difference. If you don't know the individuals in his family well enough to be your hypothetical houseguest for a week, you shouldn't be staying for more than a night!

You are over reacting . You cite your own mental health but you are not concerned for your partner's mother's MH ?

Also the short notice is really upsetting, like she has a lack of consideration for me and my mum This is an over reaction too ! How was she to know what you and your mum had done today ?

He's too old to stay at home - he needs to find his own place .

[quote me4real]@Puffalicious If you don't know when people could claim PIP and what it's for then you need retraining. This is an option you could offer young people who come to you for help. It really can make a big difference.[/quote]
I don't need re-training, thanks, my role isn't pastoral or counselling or access to help, it's educational: there are others to provide the above.

I'm glad you use the PIP for therapy, that sounds like a great use of the funding. OP could do well to follow your example.

I think your partner may be the one who has caused the issue here. He's obviously been unclear with either you or his mother!

You can still go and stay with you mum even though she doesn't celebrate Christmas.

There's a lot I could reply to and I want to say thank you to all the people who contributed helpful advice, especially the ones who were sympathetic to mental health health.
Offdutyfrom5 - could you suggest where I start if I'm looking for ocd therapy?

I do just want to say that I personally do not take 30 min showers! So many people have mentioned that as a thing I'm doing wrong in their house, because they have clearly misunderstood what I said...What I actually said was that his mum said we both take long showers but I didn't understand this because everyone in his house takes showers of 30 mins or more. I am never longer than 30 mins, in fact I'd say I'm probably a lot less. My point was that ALL OF THEM take at least 30 mins so I didn't understand her comment. If you can't read a post fully I don't think you should comment.

After everything that has been posted in reply to you OP you choose to focus on the showering aspect?
My step sons girlfriend has (self diagnosed) anxiety and happily describes herself as an introvert. She and my step son spent Christmas morning with us a few years ago and it was painful.
She barely spoke for 3-4 hours and to be honest it sucked the joy out of the morning, I have every sympathy with your MIL, if you don't add anything socially to the occasion it must feel to her like she just has an extra adult 'taking' from her, physically (not making brews/food) and emotionally (not adding anything socially to the atmosphere)
Personally if I were you I would go to the GP for medication/therapy and drop the studying for now. Get a full time job (excellent previous post about you having far too much time for navel gazing) and try and live a more rounded adult life.
Honestly, all this about his mum and your mum upsetting you and stopping you seeing each other sounds like you are both 15! I really don't think your mum canceling plans to take you shopping helps, pandering to you rather than nudging you on to face your problems creates a further problem but that's probably a whole other thread!

If I was his mother I’d be packing my bags and going to a hotel for Christmas and leaving the three of you to it! I’m exhausted reading that! It sounds as if she has enough to put up with day to day without a house guest who doesn’t speak and has to be chaperoned to the kitchen!

What I actually said was that his mum said we both take long showers but I didn't understand this because everyone in his house takes showers of 30 mins or more. I am never longer than 30 mins, in fact I'd say I'm probably a lot less. My point was that ALL OF THEM take at least 30 mins so I didn't understand her comment.

It THEIR house, they CAN spend 30 min in the shower! It doesn’t mean that the mum wants to pay for YOU for even 5 min shower, och occupy the only bathroom, even at all. It’s up to her, that is what YOU don’t seem to understand. You probably will though, one day..

@Scandisaurus

What I actually said was that his mum said we both take long showers but I didn't understand this because everyone in his house takes showers of 30 mins or more. I am never longer than 30 mins, in fact I'd say I'm probably a lot less. My point was that ALL OF THEM take at least 30 mins so I didn't understand her comment.

It THEIR house, they CAN spend 30 min in the shower! It doesn’t mean that the mum wants to pay for YOU for even 5 min shower, och occupy the only bathroom, even at all. It’s up to her, that is what YOU don’t seem to understand. You probably will though, one day..

You sound like an angry judgemental monster Scandi..... who has obviously not even read the OP's posts.

OP has for advice not a barrage of abuse, some
of you have been so outrageously harsh and condescending it reads like a bullying bitchfest.

Be kind and constructive instead of being harsh and destructive. If you can't wind your necks in and scroll on.

OP, if you don't feel like going to the DP's mothers for Christmas then don't. Your anxiety could go through the roof and it's the last thing you need right now. Do what's right for you and what makes you less anxious.
Be your own best friend over Christmas and treat yourself to all the lovely things you like to do.

Staying in somebody's house over the festive period is never the most relaxing time really is it?

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas OP, you don't have to go with the flow, you know that yes?

I Feel very sorry for the mum here, having to put up with the 3 of you (you, bf and his db) and with all your issues! She is working full time and has to deal with the lot of you as well. Op at your age, it's manners and maturity to speak to your host directly when you are going to stay over at their home. It's manners to check what you could bring, times to arrive, their plans for the week??. If you had then you would have known how she felt.
Having a houseguest a whole week earlier than the actual event is just not for everyone. You and your bf are incredibly immature and should really just be living on your own instead of creating all this drama.

I'm not really sure why you would want to spend so much time there? Why are you both living with parents at your ages? It's all a bit odd. Also it's her house and so she is entitled to take as long a shower as she wants to and to have her kitchen when she needs it.

I wouldn’t want to stay anywhere from Monday until Christmas. By the time actual Christmas came all the conversation would have dried up and i’d feel like I’d overstayed my welcome and needed my own space. Not then have to do a load of forced festive socialising.

Poor communication from your bf.
Poor planning present-wise by you, which has added to your stress.
Poor planning to be reliant on your mum for lifts in your mid twenties.
Poor form of the bf’s mother for agreeing then changing her mind. I get her reasons and I wouldn’t want a house guest whilst working and preparing to host. But your bf should have realised that way earlier.

Even if your mother doesn’t celebrate Christmas, could you not just cook a really nice favourite meal and make it special with candles and music and fancy napkins / baking etc and your bf could visit you for a change either side of Xmas day? All sounds to be very much on his terms.

Can the OP really not stick up a Christmas tree and cook a roast dinner at her house, and invite her BF? It’s fine not to intrude on the OP’s mum so that the OP could do Xmas in her own house, but at the same time expect someone else to put up with you for a week?

Try not to be too upset OP. It's not personal. You seem very naive about what it takes to run a house. You think that you and BF buying takeaways etc means you won't be in the way but I'm willing to bet it never occurs to either of you to clean the house etc. Whether you know it or not you will be causing more work for his parents.
Go on Thurs and enjoy yourself. Stop sulking now as you're only ruining your own Christmas spirit (think about those who have a lot more to do then wrap a few presents, like work and make a dinner for lots of people).
Then start getting your own place next year. I definitely won't be letting my 25 your old child have their partner here every other weekend- parents deserve their own life and space too