To tell them I'm not going for Christmas anymore?

[PinkStarAtNight]

Hi everyone,

I need advice on whether I should follow my instinct and do what I feel like doing in response to this, or whether I am overreacting and letting my emotions take over...

So, I always go to my partner's parents house for Christmas. We have been together nearly three years. He still lives at home and so do I. (We are 25 and 26 in case that's relevant.) Ever since we've been together I have always been to his house, usually a few days before Christmas day and stay until after boxing day, apart from last year when I only went for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day due to covid.

So the plan was for me to go as usual this year. We are all double vaccinated and we agreed we would all do covid tests to make sure we were being safe. My partner said that his mum had told him she wanted us to be there in the run up to Christmas so we could help out. The two of us discussed when I should go over there and we agreed on Monday, as in today, so that I would have time to settle in, unpack etc and help out in the run up. I have also had to send all his presents to his house as I ordered late- they are arriving at his all this week and I was planning to wrap them in private as they arrived. Another reason was covid - we were thinking its best for me to do a test and then isolate there up until Christmas to make it safe, and if the government brought in restrictions around movement I would already be there; tested, negative and isolated and therefore covid safe.

I did ask my partner if it was definitely ok with his mum that I arrived on Monday, as it would mean me being there all week. He said he had told her and she was fine with it. So, today I spent the whole morning and early afternoon rushing around packing, getting ready, and going shopping for my food (I'm veggie so I'm taking my own vegan turkey and veggie starter to have xmas day). This afternoon my partner messaged me to say that his mum has asked could I go Thursday instead, because she has decided that an extra person in the house in the run up to Christmas is too much, as they only have one bathroom so that would be five of us in the house, and she is stressed with working all week and preparing for Christmas and she doesn't want us in the kitchen making food, making a mess and we both get long showers so it will be difficult. I don't quite understand these two comments because we don't cook a lot in her house, we mainly eat out or get takeaway and when we do cook we wash up. They ALL take very long showers, much longer than I do. The fact they have one bathroom is difficult a lot of the time - there's been many times I've been in his room bursting for a wee and not being able to get into the bathroom because one of his family have been having a 30 min shower. I'm never longer than that I don't think.

Anyway, I was very upset at the short notice - my suitcase is fully packed and I have a big bag filled with food and drinks to take over, I got up early and rushed to go shopping so that I could get back to finish my Christmas cake and make a pate, all in preparation to get there for this evening. My mum put off seeing her friends to give me a lift to the supermarket because I explained I needed to go today and I had fallen behind on things. So my mum is also upset that she could have seen her friends.

I am behind with things because my mental health has been especially bad these last few weeks, I have severe ocd. So I recognise I'm behind on plans and that's why I had to rush thinking I was going today. I was really looking forward to getting there and being with my partner because he always makes me feel better and helps with my anxiety and I miss him a lot, so I think I'm a lot more shaken up and upset because of that. However I did find it inconsiderate for her to go back on the plan at such short notice and even after he told her I had already packed. When I questioned him saying 'but you told me she'd said it was fine' his reply was 'well she did moan about it a bit and say it wasn't great, but she reluctantly agreed.' I'm very pissed off with him for that because I would never have planned to go today if I'd known she wasn't happy with it. BUT I also think she shouldn't have agreed reluctantly only to go back on it on the day.

When I got the message I just broke down in tears. Dramatic I know but as I said I've been really struggling mentally and the only way I managed to go shopping and pack everything was thinking about seeing my partner, then to be told that I'm not welcome until Thursday because basically his mum doesn't want me around because I apparently make a mess and have long showers! Also the short notice is really upsetting, like she has a lack of consideration for me and my mum.

The other thing is that his mum has a history of doing this. Last summer she kept yo yoing between saying that I could go and see my partner and he could come see me, to suddenly always at the last minute say I couldn't go or he couldn't come see me because of covid. There was one time that her and her partner had a friend over to stay, and they had drinks and takeaway, and very shortly after that she said I couldn't go over there because the cases had gone up. I wouldn't mind so much if she just stuck to her decisions instead of changing at the last minute all the time. Last year she said I could go over to see my partner for his birthday. Then at the last minute she said I would have to stay outside in the garden (it was really cold!) then felt guilty and said I could go in as long as I stayed at the table and didn't use the loo...she's very changeable and goes back on things at short notice a lot. My partner says its because she gets stressed about things. I suppose I understand that, I have severe anxiety myself! But I would never inconvenience someone or do something unfair because of it.

When I told my mum about this she said she wouldn't be surprised if on Thursday my partner's mum changes her mind again. After all we still don't know what the government will say and what restrictions will be put in place. I don't want to unpack everything today, and then pack everything up again for Thursday only for her to again say at the last minute that I can't go at all. With my mental health it really doesn't help having constant changes and feeling like I'm on an emotional rollacoaster. I also feel a bit offended and upset about the things she said and the idea that I'm clearly not seen as part of the family so she doesn't want me around. And I'm in disbelief of how she could cancel at the last minute. Its almost unbelievable that anyone would do that and I can't help a tiny niggling thought that maybe my partner is the one who doesn't want me around so he's made all of this up. He has said before that he sometimes struggles to deal with my anxiety so I'm half thinking maybe he just doesn't want me there. I know that sounds a bit crazy and I know that my anxiety does make me paranoid about things sometimes...I just don't know what to think and I'm feeling very upset about all of it.

Anyway, sorry this was so long! My question is...WIBU to just politely say that I won't bother going for Christmas because I can't deal with the possibility that I might unpack and pack again only to be told I can't go on Thursday and also don't feel like going and having a happy Christmas now anyway? My mum doesn't celebrate Christmas and I've got no other family to spend it with so it will mean having a very low key and lonely Christmas by myself - but is that better than being messed around and being on a rollacoaster of expectation and disappointment? I'm not even sure if I can manage to go over there and sit eating Christmas dinner with someone who didn't want me there a few days in advance, like she wants to minimise the time I'm there. I also feel like my partner should learn to communicate better (i.e telling me his mum had agreed reluctantly) and his mum should learn not to mess people around. However I don't know whether this is too petty and I'm massively overreacting/letting my anxiety make everything seem worse...also if I don't go this year am I ruining it for all future years? But then again at this moment in time I honestly feel like saying I'm never going there again. Basically I'm still very upset and wound up so I'm looking for honest, balanced advice from people. How would you feel in this situation/what would you do?

Thank you to all who read this far, sorry it was a bit of a rant!

By “ always “ spend Christmas there … you’ve been together almost 3 years so this would be your third Christmas together ? One of which was during lockdown so plans changed ? So really you’ve had one year where u spent 5 days or whatever it is there so maybe that was a one off and likely there has been some miscommunication added in somewhere and it’s just to long to be staying in which case I’d agree it is , plus covid stuff on top

Honestly I don’t think this is some great dig at you I mean this in the nicest possible way just relax and go for a couple days

Oh FGS!!!! The OP can work - she has been and has a new contract in January. She also doesn't seem to have any issues with this so why are you encouraging her to go on to benefits? Like many PP have said, managing symptoms of MH through the correct channels with professional help is the way to go, not bowing down to it.

I work with young people and if every person who has anxiety issues goes onto PIP we'll have virtually no workforce. Anxiety seems to be increasing year on year and ways of managing it must be found.

@Puffalicious People can claim PIP and work- it's not income-dependent. It's designed to help people be more independent. Not all anxiety is equal, some people's is a lot worse than others'. Especially as OP has OCD, that can be quite a debilitating condition. PIP pays for me to have therapy, so it could be spend in various ways to enable OP to continue or do even better at work. It's not a benefit that's designed to be lived on, just a little extra to help towards things that could help people have a life like others'.

People should claim what they're eligible for. PIP is one where there's an assessment process to decide that usually, but it's worth a go.

@Puffalicious If you don't know when people could claim PIP and what it's for then you need retraining. This is an option you could offer young people who come to you for help. It really can make a big difference.

Also I am not sure what you gain out of being at her house? I mean yes you see your boyfriend but you can’t even make a cup of tea/can't socialise with the mother. Why go? I have to say I would really struggle to have someone at my house like that at normal times, let alone Christmas.

I do wonder if she deliberately infantilises her sons though. I knew someone like that, really liked to keep them at home/financially dependent and essentially like teenagers forever! Just because you’ve mentioned your boyfriend is essentially a perpetual student and her 30 year old doesn’t even have a bank card…

Perhaps you and your partner could get your own place so next year you can spend Christmas together without all the fuss.

Sorry, haven’t read the whole thread but it sounds like you’ve really thought about this and others feelings. You’re obviously having a hard time and I imagine the last minute cancellation can feel personal and a rejection.

From the mum’s side - it sounds like she’s coping with a lot and maybe feels stressed and concerned about both her son’s suffering with anxiety and living at home still. Also, I completely understand that you don’t want to act like it’s your house as I’m the same. But it also makes it more draining on the host, especially if you’re being v quiet.

I’d still go on Thursday and just recognise that it’s hard for you all at the moment. You sound very considerate so try not to take the cancellation to heart

@Bettyboopawoop

Perhaps you and your partner could get your own place so next year you can spend Christmas together without all the fuss.

He doesn’t work and she works on a low wage and needs a lot of support. Back in the real world this is highly unlikely.

Forget Christmas, this relationship sounds bad for both of you.

I think you both should go your own ways and find yourselves and do some independent growing up and living.

I understand it must be annoying for plans for be changed last minute but it's his mum's house and I can agree with not wanting extra people around if she is feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

I absolutely do understand that (again for those hard of hearing at the back) as your mum doesn't celebrate Christmas for religious reasons it is a hard choice of going somewhere you now feel a bit unwelcome, yet at least marking the occasion, and having a bit of a shitty Saturday in front of whatever the BBC is wheeling out as a Christmas special this year.

That said, skulking nervously about in their house and having to be accompanied to the kettle is what I was like with my first boyfriend - but I was fifteen. It's not a sustainable relationship with your in-"laws" in your 20s.

I'm sorry you're so upset. But honestly, you're ready now and all you need to do is put the chilled food in the fridge and relax at home for a couple of days. This is the time to take a lesson for yourself about overthinking and over-analysing. It just makes things worse. Think hard about what is, and what isn't important. Time spent on good terms is 100% more important than perfectly wrapped gifts and what day you arrive. Try and put yourself in the other person's shoes occasionally - I doubt your boyfriend's mum has any negative intention other than she's getting stressed about Christmas and getting ready herself.

It seems most PPs have not read OP's post at 20.20 today - how difficult her mental health is and how she had to have her mother at the shops today or she would have broken down crying ''in the aisle'' because of her very bad thoughts. I am not a doctor but I think you can only concentrate on getting your mental health better as your only urgent priority and not waste time and energy on any relationship or social event. Rest and quiet is what you need at moment from what you have said.

‘ My mum doesn't celebrate Christmas and I've got no other family to spend it with so it will mean having a very low key and lonely Christmas by myself - but is that better than being messed around and being on a rollacoaster of expectation and disappointment?’

My short answer is YES, a low key Christmas with your mum, where you have comfort, ease & autonomy, is better for you right now than being hauled round a roller coaster of over weighted expectations of your own & from your bf’s family. You can say that you want to have a quiet Christmas with your mum, this is entirely reasonable if you give enough notice, e.g. tomorrow.

Being even handed, your bf’s mum is doing her best to build her family Christmas as best she can. She may be a horror or utterly lovely outside the Christmas season, who knows? But for now, Christmas 2021 is challenging enough for most mortals- do we lockdown or not? is it a cold or Covid? Will the turkey be delivered? Is the honey for tea?

I say cut your losses, load up your mum’s with your favourite foods, snuggle down & enjoy what you have. Have a break from the try-too-hard FOMO chaos out there. In the modern vernacular, chillax.

Of course I am over simplifying matters, but the core point is looking after your own mental health & wellbeing is paramount, & staying home this week may work well for you in the short term.

After Christmas (& any lockdown) have a getaway break somewhere special with your partner as soon as you can. Maybe consider going away with them somewhere special for Christmas 2022.

OP how do you fund your course if you choose to go back to full time education? Genuinely interested

@SRS29

OP how do you fund your course if you choose to go back to full time education? Genuinely interested

I imagine the bank of mum and dad the same way she was going to be able to move in with her partner? Just guessing though.

@ChangeChingyChange maybe read OP's posts. Her dad is god knows where

[quote girlmom21]@ChangeChingyChange maybe read OP's posts. Her dad is god knows where [/quote]
Ok bank of mum then. Apologies "bank of mum and dad" is just a saying.

@ChangeChingyChange what an awful reply.

I’ve just read all your messages again, OP, and something stands out. You’re upset that your MIL has abruptly changed your plans and say you’d never do that to anybody. Yet you did it to your mum, this morning, by making her cancel her plans with friends.

You’ve also said your boyfriend finds your anxiety hard to deal with. His mum obviously finds you awkward to be around. Your mum is exasperated and put upon. Your anxiety is not just affecting you.

I agree with others that you need to take a break, get medical / mental health help, and try to put together a basic plan. I still think you should go on Thursday, but you must try to be a little more easy going, see if it makes any difference.

Lots of small steps are so much easier to manage than a few big strides. I hope this picture helps you.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable that she’s not keen on you being a house guest for so long.

It seems that you don’t speak much in company, so don’t add to any social conversation. You’re too shy to make your own cup of tea, and I guess at no point do you ever say “No Sue, don’t get up, I’ll put the kettle on” or “Sue, don’t worry about the washing up, I’ll do it.” Or “Sue, we thought maybe we’d cook this eve so you don’t have to, any special requests?” She’s been receiving all your packages all week. What do you contribute?? You’ve been going round every other weekend but never really speak to her? You seem like a pretty awful and rude house guest. Yes ok so you have GAD and OCD etc etc but that doesn’t mean you’re not rude. Take a look at yourself, objectively.

I understand the anxiety over the sudden change of plans but it sounds to me like your partner hadn’t actually got permission from his mum he just assumed it was ok. I think as a houseguest you need to make much more of an effort, chat to his family, make your own drinks and food. Otherwise the rest of your partners family might feel like they have to tiptoe around you in their own house.

There's a lot going on in your posts, but the takeaway message I get is you do not feel comfortable at the best of times staying at BF's parent's place.

So why go for so long this time and why just take your BF's word that it is ok to do so, esp. if you don't get up and make yourself a cup of tea (or offer for anyone else at the same time I might suggest).

I think you mentioned that BF doesn't pay towards the cost of living too. Again, why do you think its ok for his Mum to support both of you (even with the bits you are taking) for the week?

I think you need to take a step back and really see this from her point of view. I would be really peeved if my adult child's partner kept making her get up to get him a drink or the like, yet feels so comfortable enough to plant themself in my home for a week.

I can understand you are disappointed but I think this is really a wake up call. Go for the day or two, but no longer and make sure you get stuck in with helping, run the vacuum around, clean the bathroom and stay out of underfoot in the kitchen unless you are in there doing something for everyone, and not just you and BF.

YABU. Have you ever had someone to visit for that long while working and preparing for Christmas? Give the lady a break. She is tired. You are a vegan too which adds an element of difficulty. Just go when you are invited and be grateful.

@PinkStarAtNight Could you take what his mum said on the chin? So, start taking showers as quickly as you can, considering there are several people in the house and only one loo. And double check the kitchen is ok after you use it, or nag your boyf to do it after he does.

I think I would be tempted to message her and apologize, too. But then I'm quite socially anxious.

It sounds like you’re having a difficult which is understandable given your anxiety. I don’t think your boyfriends mum has done anything wrong but can see why you’d feel upset.

I just wanted to say as a therapist we’ve heard everything, and I’m 100% sure nothing you say would shock a therapist. I’ve heard people’s worst intrusions that they’ve never told anyone before and can barely say it out loud. They’re always surprised they aren’t the first to have told me that intrusion so please don’t let that put you off getting therapy.

A lot of what you’ve said e.g taking your mum shopping/reassurance seeking is keeping your anxiety going. Please do get some help. I promise it can be better you just have to take the leap. I won’t sugarcoat it, therapy for OCD is hard work, but worth it. If you’re not sure I’d recommend getting the ‘Break Free from OCD book’ to get an idea of what therapy will involve.

I'm sorry you feel bad about all of this, but I think you need to put it all in perspective. Last minute plan changes are what is happening around the world right now; we are all considering the risk/safety of our plans and altering them, as we feel we must. It might still come about that the plans change again before Christmas day, before you travel, but that's circumstances, not against you! Don't take it personally, and don't read things into it. Sadly, you have to go with the flow here, hard as it is.

Again, we are all in the same boat. I cancelled all of my Christmas guests today - it made me really sad, but it is the right thing to do as the risk is too high - for them and for my family. Nobody to blame.

The only other thing I want to say is about showers. 30 minutes in someone else's house is too long. Just too long; in my opinion anyway.

I hope you have a beautiful holiday, however it is spent.