Page 5 | Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

Magnoliasstreet · 2021-12-20T10:17:46+00:00

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th. PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night. AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited? I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting. Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision. 4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 12:00

@NotMineToTell

Bloody hell the cheek of them! Only thinking about whats convenient for them and no regard for you, my ILs are the same. If we didn't set firm boundaries they would turn up whenever they felt like it and massively overstay their welcome.

Early on in our marriage MIL arrived a day early for Christmas, was still here on the 29th and announced she might as well stay for new year, I told her it didn't suit us and of course am the worst DIL in the world.

Even if she wasn't a difficult character that both of us struggle with I would have said no. No consideration for our time together. His whole family are cheeky fuckers, he never stood up to them before he met me so I'm the bad guy in their eyes which I'm fine with. Make sure he deals with all the extra work, can you take yourself out for the day somewhere?

Once they have left you need to have a serious discussion with your husband about the consequences of putting his families wishes above his wife's. He needs to realise that keeping you happy will have a much more positive impact on his quality of life. At the beginning I used to say no as my DH found it difficult but he can do it now. Good luck.

This is very good advice. Thank you. I’d not considered he was putting them over me

OP posts:

TractorAndHeadphones · 20/12/2021 12:00

@TeeBee

Right, who has a positive LFT they can send to the OP? Perfectly timed on the morning of the 23rd.

Orange juice is your friend here.

Also OP not sure about you but I see family guests as free labour
They can stay but they'll have to pitch in!
I've done all sorts while at DP's family including the dishes, weeding the vegetable patch, loads of laundry, cleaning muddy boots..

When my parents come around delicious home cooked meals follow so they can stay as long as they like

However they seem to think of you as a skivvy.

Put your foot down, do only what you want to. Let them sort themselves out. A lot of women feel that they'lll be judged by the state of their homes - don't succumb to this.

LadyMary50 · 20/12/2021 12:02

You have said they are working on the 24th,yet they want to come on the evening of 23rd.Why don’t they just book 24th off work and travel in the day🤷‍♀️

ddl1 · 20/12/2021 12:02

Partner thinks family should be able to come and go as they please

There could be an argument for this (depending on space, etc.) IF they were able and willing to take care of themselves when they came, or if your partner did all the chores for them. But they can't just assume that you'll be their unpaid servant.

Could you just give them sandwiches or a takeaway to eat if they come on the 23rd?

CharityDingle · 20/12/2021 12:03

Can’t handle the conflict with partner. Just hate conflict

Most people dislike conflict though.

ginghamstarfish · 20/12/2021 12:08

If you let them come a day early (sounds like a done deal and you have no say in it) then be sure to see them off a day early, as they were clearly invited for x number of nights. If your partner does not deal with all the extra faff/work/expense involved for these inconsiderate twats, then I'd be at least refusing to do it all all ever again. Make sure you go to them next time, choosing your own days of course.

Squeezita · 20/12/2021 12:10

Frankly I think you've lost this battle, so just let them come - but make it clear that you are not catering for them on 23/12 as you're doing other things. Tell your DH that he's ordering a takeaway for you all as you're not cooking or washing up.

Can’t handle the conflict with partner. Just hate conflict

Does that mean you'll be cooking and washing up after them all?

SarahBellam · 20/12/2021 12:13

You have a Christmas party/book club meeting/Spider-Man movie ticket that night, don’t you? So while they could come down your partner will have to organise all the shopping/food/bed linen for them. Let’s see how enthusiastic he is then.

MimosaFields · 20/12/2021 12:13

Your lack of assertiveness is only going to bring you trouble. Regardless of what happens this Christmas, do you really want to go through life as a people pleaser? If you don't change that, this is only going to be one of many occasions in which you end up boiling internally but doing nothing

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 12:14

@Squeezita

Frankly I think you've lost this battle, so just let them come - but make it clear that you are not catering for them on 23/12 as you're doing other things. Tell your DH that he's ordering a takeaway for you all as you're not cooking or washing up.

Can’t handle the conflict with partner. Just hate conflict

Does that mean you'll be cooking and washing up after them all?

No I think partner will do some but probably not half. I cba with horrendously boring chat washing dishes with MIL for hours.

OP posts:

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 12:14

@MimosaFields

Your lack of assertiveness is only going to bring you trouble. Regardless of what happens this Christmas, do you really want to go through life as a people pleaser? If you don't change that, this is only going to be one of many occasions in which you end up boiling internally but doing nothing

Yeah I need to address it. Maybe I’ll ask them to come early 24th. Just never get my way.

OP posts:

Coffeepot72 · 20/12/2021 12:15

OMG - OP you are definitely not being unreasonable! I bet you’re secretly praying for a lockdown that starts tomorrow!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 20/12/2021 12:15

Make sure you spend plenty of time sitting with a cup/glass of something and do not wait on anyone. Yes you are busy. You are taking some time to relax. If they ask you for something then tell them to ask dh "as he is hosting this year".
This is your family time too. You should not be run ragged doing everything for everyone.
Go and have a soak in the bath & leave the kids to dh or GPs.
Meet a friend for a walk/coffee & a catch up.
Let dh realise how much work is involved when people stay with you. Do not wade in & rescue him or he'll be thinking it's not that bad & you are making a fuss about nothing. Only help him as much as he would help you. That's fair.
Hope it goes well and you actually have the chance to enjoy the nice bits with your children. Merry Christmas!

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 12:20

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Make sure you spend plenty of time sitting with a cup/glass of something and do not wait on anyone. Yes you are busy. You are taking some time to relax. If they ask you for something then tell them to ask dh "as he is hosting this year". This is your family time too. You should not be run ragged doing everything for everyone. Go and have a soak in the bath & leave the kids to dh or GPs. Meet a friend for a walk/coffee & a catch up. Let dh realise how much work is involved when people stay with you. Do not wade in & rescue him or he'll be thinking it's not that bad & you are making a fuss about nothing. Only help him as much as he would help you. That's fair. Hope it goes well and you actually have the chance to enjoy the nice bits with your children. Merry Christmas!

Thank you so much. I will try to be this way!

OP posts:

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 12:21

@Coffeepot72

OMG - OP you are definitely not being unreasonable! I bet you’re secretly praying for a lockdown that starts tomorrow!

I am secretly hoping for jt

OP posts:

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/12/2021 12:25

Urghhh why? I never have people in my house at Xmas. Its unbearable.

TrueGrit54 · 20/12/2021 12:30

Magnoliasstreet did you know a positive lateral flow test (orange juice or cola works apparently) can be faked? Just a thought. I feel sorry for you. I have never invited family for Christmas, ever. They all just accept it. Just the 4 of us, it’s bliss, very relaxing.

phoenixrosehere · 20/12/2021 12:34

Family should be able to one when they want - it's not like you are busy doing something else, you are just hung up on hosting.

No they should not. It doesn’t matter if OP is busy or not, it’s her home too and she is doing the mass majority of the work. She also shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in her home nor should her DH had just said yes, knowing how she felt. Family doesn’t get to do whatever they please just because they’re family. My dad’s family was like this and my DH’s family is like this where there was always a revolving door of people coming by and DH came to dislike it because he didn’t feel like he ever had his own space so treasures it now. He’s also an introvert and sensitive to noises so it also didn’t help matters. He would definitely not say yes knowing if I wasn’t up for it and even ask if I was sure because he knows I would go against my own comfort to be accommodating while he would be a “selfish bastard” (his words) and say no. He does the majority of the hosting and I prepare the guest room for his family. We only have them twice a year and he is happy with that and so am I. He would probably cringe if it was more than that. He loves his parents but considering when they do stay, they mainly moan about his other siblings, their son-in-law ,and watching their grandkids (not our children nor ever offer) and FIL damaging something in our home because he was restless.

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 12:37

@phoenixrosehere

Family should be able to one when they want - it's not like you are busy doing something else, you are just hung up on hosting.

No they should not. It doesn’t matter if OP is busy or not, it’s her home too and she is doing the mass majority of the work. She also shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in her home nor should her DH had just said yes, knowing how she felt. Family doesn’t get to do whatever they please just because they’re family. My dad’s family was like this and my DH’s family is like this where there was always a revolving door of people coming by and DH came to dislike it because he didn’t feel like he ever had his own space so treasures it now. He’s also an introvert and sensitive to noises so it also didn’t help matters. He would definitely not say yes knowing if I wasn’t up for it and even ask if I was sure because he knows I would go against my own comfort to be accommodating while he would be a “selfish bastard” (his words) and say no. He does the majority of the hosting and I prepare the guest room for his family. We only have them twice a year and he is happy with that and so am I. He would probably cringe if it was more than that. He loves his parents but considering when they do stay, they mainly moan about his other siblings, their son-in-law ,and watching their grandkids (not our children nor ever offer) and FIL damaging something in our home because he was restless.

I think it’s that introversion where you need time away from others. Just to survive!

OP posts:

tcjotm · 20/12/2021 12:40

I can’t believe they expect to work from your house. Probably expect you to keep the kids quiet. I’d be playing music really loudly as I crashed around vacuuming etc

mam0918 · 20/12/2021 12:40

Why 4 days?

That's seems too long to me... I would if hosting only invite them 24-26th max (arrive no earlier than the morning of 24th and leave no later than the early evening of the 26th unless an act of god occurs).

I agree it's rude to invite yourself early... just tell them sorry that's not suitable you'll have to arrive at the specified time like everyone else.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/12/2021 12:44

I think @Totalwasteofpaper makes some good points. It sounds like they are pisstakers, and you say there is a back story, so its the bitch eating crackers thing, partly. TBF, there won't be any more laundry with one extra night, unless you run some kind of hotel service where they change the sheets daily. DH needs to do his share and more, if they don't set off at 6am, and they could ideally cater for themselves for at least lunch as you are sooooo busy. Christmas has been a crisis time for me, when the stepdaughters and exwife have really taken the piss, and I've needed to firmly look at boundaries in the New Year to prevent it happening again. I'm an old bird, and I've only just stopped people take the wee (mostly) with the occasional brass neck that's so out there, I didn't see it coming. The lack of respect you mention from your DH maybe could be looked at in the New Year. I had this problem, and counselling (which I had acess to through work) helpsed enormously. Good luck OP. And if you come down feeling not very well, which requires extra long baths and possibly gin, no one could blame you in the slightest

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/12/2021 12:45

PS. My mother always has to change arrangements, regardless, or at least tries to. I think it's a control thing.

phoenixrosehere · 20/12/2021 12:48

I think it’s that introversion where you need time away from others. Just to survive!

Agree. I work with the public and when I get home I just want to relax. Home is sanctuary in this family so when we do have people over it’s discussed and preplanned in advance. We prefer meeting people out instead when possible.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/12/2021 12:53

When I worked with the public in an extremely stressful role, I was fortunate to live on my own. I used to come home, shut the front door, and thank God I wouldn't have to speak to another human until my next shift.