Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

[Magnoliasstreet]

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th.
PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night.
AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited?
I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting.
Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.
4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

@EIIa

Would be terrible if you had to Isolate for a few days op....!

Can you imagine!!! I’d secretly be so happy

well you might find (& the rest of us are dreading)that there may be restrictions in the next few days
Which you might be able to use for your (sanity) own ends

@Reallybadidea

So essentially, rather than take a day of annual leave (or even a half day), they've decided to inconvenience you instead?

Precisely.

I feel you OP.

My tips as someone who has a MIL who does this all the time... she was invited 24th - 27th this year and has announced she is staying 23rd - 29th 😑

• I don't clean the guest room, this was a bit of a game of chicken, but I now always win.
• I don't make strip, wash sheets or remake the beds. DH family = DH job

• Breakfast is ALWAYS cereal or toast irrespective of the cats bum face from her.

• DH plans and prepares/ cooks all lunches and dinners. I check he has some kind of sensible plan "help" with meal planning. He also washes up / loads the dishwasher.

• DH plans all entertainment (which has gone steadily down hill now I am don't get involved and include lots of long walks 🙄)

• I get up when I want, not at 7am. If DH wants to go down at entertain her from dusk till dawn he can.

• I disappear at regular intervals and also will go out to visit friends and leave DH to it.

@mumwon

well you might find (& the rest of us are dreading)that there may be restrictions in the next few days Which you might be able to use for your (sanity) own ends

It’s horrible I actually want that to happen

dh and I usually have a Christmas bust up about what has to be done.

I have learnt that while dh is perfectly capable of running the house for a week or two while I am away, he simply does not get the whole extra load that goes with hosting over Christmas.
So we use a list, put all the bits on it that he doesn't think if. Now kids are teens they get told to do something from the list too (could be bringing in log for fire, or whipping cream for trifle)
My mum used to do a variation on this. As everyone arrived on Christmas Eve, they joined the family round the kitchen table (big old farmhouse kitchen) got offered tea or gin and tonic according to time and taste and then got handed potatoes and peeler, or chestnuts and sharp knife, or carrots and peeler etc etc.
By the evening everything for Christmas day was ready, and everyone was well mellowed and my Mum had done very little of it herself.

(mind you she then produced a huge casserole from the oven for dinner...)

Wouldn't it be AWFUL if the internet went down and an engineer can't get out for a few days? (hoping they rely on this to work)

24-28th is a very long time!!!! However tagging on another night/meal really isn't a big deal, as it won't mean extra laundry for that one night and one extra meal for a few extra is nothing when you planned to host for this long anyway!!! Why did you extend past 26th?!
If you don't ask, you don't get, so I can understand them asking to come a little earlier to avoid travelling on the 24th as many people will travel then and it can be very stressful.
Just make it clear you want them to arrive after 4pm on the 23rd
I hope these visitors bring you lot of gifts, eg. drinkables, flowers, chocolates etc
I hope everything goes well, but your partner owes you, big time!!!

You guys are so uppity. They are family. If they expect to be waited on then yes it is hassle to host for more than what you wanted . However if you make them feel at home and not like guests and they pitch in, I don't see what harm an extra day makes. I am with your husband. Family should be able to one when they want - it's not like you are busy doing something else, you are just hung up on hosting.

@Totalwasteofpaper

I feel you OP.

My tips as someone who has a MIL who does this all the time... she was invited 24th - 27th this year and has announced she is staying 23rd - 29th 😑

• I don't clean the guest room, this was a bit of a game of chicken, but I now always win.
• I don't make strip, wash sheets or remake the beds. DH family = DH job

• Breakfast is ALWAYS cereal or toast irrespective of the cats bum face from her.

• DH plans and prepares/ cooks all lunches and dinners. I check he has some kind of sensible plan "help" with meal planning. He also washes up / loads the dishwasher.

• DH plans all entertainment (which has gone steadily down hill now I am don't get involved and include lots of long walks 🙄)

• I get up when I want, not at 7am. If DH wants to go down at entertain her from dusk till dawn he can.

• I disappear at regular intervals and also will go out to visit friends and leave DH to it.

I must make a note of these ideas.

I thought one extra night was bad!! 3 more is insane.

I will appropriately delegate and disappear haha!

YANBU, I like the 9am on C Eve idea.

Will your DH be hosting/cooking/cleaning/changing sheets etc or are you expected to do all that?

Partner thinks family should be able to come and go as they please. I feel differently.

Does this extend to your family?

@sonsmum

24-28th is a very long time!!!! However tagging on another night/meal really isn't a big deal, as it won't mean extra laundry for that one night and one extra meal for a few extra is nothing when you planned to host for this long anyway!!! Why did you extend past 26th?! If you don't ask, you don't get, so I can understand them asking to come a little earlier to avoid travelling on the 24th as many people will travel then and it can be very stressful. Just make it clear you want them to arrive after 4pm on the 23rd I hope these visitors bring you lot of gifts, eg. drinkables, flowers, chocolates etc I hope everything goes well, but your partner owes you, big time!!!

Partner owes me a lot already from multiple stags and nights out. I feel like I’m too much of a pushover. I wish I’d be more assertive

@Squeezita

YANBU, I like the 9am on C Eve idea.

Will your DH be hosting/cooking/cleaning/changing sheets etc or are you expected to do all that?

Partner thinks family should be able to come and go as they please. I feel differently.

Does this extend to your family?

It extends to my sister only as she is recently widowed and lives alone

@AudTheDeepAndCrispAndEven

Wouldn't it be AWFUL if the internet went down and an engineer can't get out for a few days? (hoping they rely on this to work)

Hahahah oh gosh. We’d figure it out and tether phone internet i think

@steppemum

dh and I usually have a Christmas bust up about what has to be done.

I have learnt that while dh is perfectly capable of running the house for a week or two while I am away, he simply does not get the whole extra load that goes with hosting over Christmas.
So we use a list, put all the bits on it that he doesn't think if. Now kids are teens they get told to do something from the list too (could be bringing in log for fire, or whipping cream for trifle)
My mum used to do a variation on this. As everyone arrived on Christmas Eve, they joined the family round the kitchen table (big old farmhouse kitchen) got offered tea or gin and tonic according to time and taste and then got handed potatoes and peeler, or chestnuts and sharp knife, or carrots and peeler etc etc.
By the evening everything for Christmas day was ready, and everyone was well mellowed and my Mum had done very little of it herself.

(mind you she then produced a huge casserole from the oven for dinner...)

Very good plan to delegate the majority of tasks

I’m please my Christmas has been cancelled by covid 🤣

I would just tell them you have plans for the 23rd so can’t accommodate them for a extra night.

@Snoken

So they want to come to yours a day early, and then work from home from your house? At the same time as you will be cleaning, cooking and getting everything ready. That sounds incredibly selfish of them. I would just say that it doesn't work with your busy schedule for the 24th.

We have partners mum here from tomorrow so I think they don’t want to miss out on ‘fun’

Partners gran I mean

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Your partner is free to think what he wants to think. But if that’s how it’s going to go then he can cater to his family as they drop in and out at will. I’m being serious btw - don’t you go playing the perfect hostess while he larks around without a care in the world. Silently seething whilst taking on more and more wifework will do you absolutely no favours.

He really doesn’t get to decide what you should have to happily put up with in your own home. He gets to ask but he doesn’t get to demand/expect without question and if he's going to let people impose on you then he should at least be gracious enough to accept that it’s unreasonable and that you’re entitled to being miffed about it if you find it stressful or difficult in some way.

I am such an introvert I need my own space. Also I like to plan as much as possible. Hate last minute changes for meals etc

You learn to be assertive by practising. It might feel awful the first few times but after that it gets easier.

Bloody hell the cheek of them! Only thinking about whats convenient for them and no regard for you, my ILs are the same. If we didn't set firm boundaries they would turn up whenever they felt like it and massively overstay their welcome.

Early on in our marriage MIL arrived a day early for Christmas, was still here on the 29th and announced she might as well stay for new year, I told her it didn't suit us and of course am the worst DIL in the world.

Even if she wasn't a difficult character that both of us struggle with I would have said no. No consideration for our time together. His whole family are cheeky fuckers, he never stood up to them before he met me so I'm the bad guy in their eyes which I'm fine with. Make sure he deals with all the extra work, can you take yourself out for the day somewhere?

Once they have left you need to have a serious discussion with your husband about the consequences of putting his families wishes above his wife's. He needs to realise that keeping you happy will have a much more positive impact on his quality of life. At the beginning I used to say no as my DH found it difficult but he can do it now. Good luck.

@Totalwasteofpaper

I feel you OP.

My tips as someone who has a MIL who does this all the time... she was invited 24th - 27th this year and has announced she is staying 23rd - 29th 😑

• I don't clean the guest room, this was a bit of a game of chicken, but I now always win.
• I don't make strip, wash sheets or remake the beds. DH family = DH job

• Breakfast is ALWAYS cereal or toast irrespective of the cats bum face from her.

• DH plans and prepares/ cooks all lunches and dinners. I check he has some kind of sensible plan "help" with meal planning. He also washes up / loads the dishwasher.

• DH plans all entertainment (which has gone steadily down hill now I am don't get involved and include lots of long walks 🙄)

• I get up when I want, not at 7am. If DH wants to go down at entertain her from dusk till dawn he can.

• I disappear at regular intervals and also will go out to visit friends and leave DH to it.

Definitely adopt some of these ideas.

I'm even more annoyed now they are planning to spend a day working in your house! I'd be sabotaging the WiFi and being bloody noisy.

You need to get happy with conflict because as it is the only person who isn't getting what they want here is you, and I bet you are doing most of the work.

Suggest a night and day in a hotel as a compromise. Any other suggestions are not compromises.

They’re wanting to avoid Xmas traffic but working from home 24th

Tell them your wifi signal isn't good enough to support two people working from home.

OP you are looking a bit peaky, sure you aren't coming down with something?

But seriously, in future, let him do the work for hosting his family.