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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

351 replies

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 10:17

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th.
PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night.
AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited?
I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting.
Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.
4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 20/12/2021 11:31

I’d expect them to either offer to cook or take you out/get a take away for that extra night.

NorthSouthcatlady · 20/12/2021 11:31

@Totalwasteofpaper of god my ex MIL used to do the get up at 7am and expect entertaining routine. She hasn’t worked since the mid 1970’s Hmm. I in contrast had a demanding full time job and was tired

OP your in-laws sound like a nightmare. I can imagine the backstory is equally CF, entitled and thoughtless. I am guessing that’s where your partner gets it from. I would have said no

Dasher789 · 20/12/2021 11:32

Unplug the WiFi Grin

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:32

@Nidan2Sandan

I'm sure they are being unreasonable but my first thought was "how big is the OPs house to accommodate 7 extra people overnight for all that time" Xmas Grin.

I hate having people overnight in my house, but mainly because they have to sleep on the sofa which means the lounge becomes out of bounds till they get up.

Lots of sleeping on the floor!
OP posts:
steppemum · 20/12/2021 11:32

my Granny used to do this actually and it used to reduce my mum to tears.

Mum was a teacher and worked really hard during term, then crashed and slept for the first few days of the holidays. Except in Christmas holidays she hit the ground running to get everything done. Granny woudl arrive, usually 23/24, and then stay, and stay and stay, and usually end up going back just as schools restarted.
Granny was lovely, and no trouble, but she was just THERE. So Mum couldn't just get on with life, or veg out. I know Granny was lonely and she thought it was fine because Mum wasn't working.
Dad could not and woudl not tell her no.

BIWI · 20/12/2021 11:32

What's stopping you being more assertive, if you want to be so?!

Frankly I think you've lost this battle, so just let them come - but make it clear that you are not catering for them on 23/12 as you're doing other things. Tell your DH that he's ordering a takeaway for you all as you're not cooking or washing up.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:34

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Is he selfish and entitled like his parents? I’d honestly be so angry with him for not even asking you first before agreeing to this.

Absolutely do not allow this to happen again. You need to make it clear this is a red line and if he does it again you will a) ring them back and say absolutely not, and b) not lift a finger to help host the CFers.

I realise this sounds extreme but it’s so rude and he’s being so dismissive of you and disrespectful as well.

I’ve started to realise partner and family have zero respect for me. Very saddening but it won’t change I think
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:34

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Well you need to face that conflict. Otherwise that’s how people keep walking all over you.
I know. This is it precisely.
OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/12/2021 11:35

Partner thinks family should be able to come and go as they please. I feel differently

That sounds to me like an issue way beyond just Christmas, though it's probably lucky they live 3 hours away

I agree about passing a lot of the work to him, but he'll probably develop a tactical "illness"/emergency "need" elsewhere

PegasusReturns · 20/12/2021 11:36

I’d have put up with it until you announced they plan to work from your house. That is an outrageous cheek.

Depending on your circumstances and provided they are good company I find it can be useful having additional adults around on the 23/24. They can take deliveries, watch young DC whilst errands are run, help with peeling and prep etc.

But they want to come and squirrel themselves away. Do you have DC that need to be kept quiet or hoovering that needs to be done? No consideration AT ALL!!

AD80 · 20/12/2021 11:36

Your partner thinks you are being unreasonable but will he be doing all the cleaning, laundry and cooking himself? YANBU. I think you are being more than generous already.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:37

@Shedmistress

OP you are looking a bit peaky, sure you aren't coming down with something?

But seriously, in future, let him do the work for hosting his family.

He can do it all I think!
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:38

@PegasusReturns

I’d have put up with it until you announced they plan to work from your house. That is an outrageous cheek.

Depending on your circumstances and provided they are good company I find it can be useful having additional adults around on the 23/24. They can take deliveries, watch young DC whilst errands are run, help with peeling and prep etc.

But they want to come and squirrel themselves away. Do you have DC that need to be kept quiet or hoovering that needs to be done? No consideration AT ALL!!

Yes we have a 4 month old and a 2.5 year old I’m not changing my plans with them. Hopefully we will get some respite from childcare
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:39

@BIWI

What's stopping you being more assertive, if you want to be so?!

Frankly I think you've lost this battle, so just let them come - but make it clear that you are not catering for them on 23/12 as you're doing other things. Tell your DH that he's ordering a takeaway for you all as you're not cooking or washing up.

Can’t handle the conflict with partner. Just hate conflict
OP posts:
NotMineToTell · 20/12/2021 11:42

Just seen your post saying DH thinks this should be allowed. In that case he needs to do all the extra work, mental load and all. I wouldn't be giving him a list either.

It's pathetic that adult men who can think, plan and carry out tasks at work suddenly become incompetent at home. It's learned helplessness because they see all the drudgery of day to day life as women's work. Let his parents deal with the fallout of their son's incompetence. Although you will probably get blamed for it but so what. I wouldn't care about the opinion of people who showed so little regard for my feelings.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:42

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

You learn to be assertive by practising. It might feel awful the first few times but after that it gets easier.
Thank you. I’m going to try to protect my boundaries
OP posts:
LakieLady · 20/12/2021 11:43

They've obviously never heard the saying that house guests are like fish - they start to stink after 3 days.

And your DP plainly has no idea how stressful it is to host.

I think I'd have a migraine that required me to spend at least 24 hours closeted in my room in the dark, just for some respite.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:43

@NotMineToTell

Just seen your post saying DH thinks this should be allowed. In that case he needs to do all the extra work, mental load and all. I wouldn't be giving him a list either.

It's pathetic that adult men who can think, plan and carry out tasks at work suddenly become incompetent at home. It's learned helplessness because they see all the drudgery of day to day life as women's work. Let his parents deal with the fallout of their son's incompetence. Although you will probably get blamed for it but so what. I wouldn't care about the opinion of people who showed so little regard for my feelings.

The motherload is so heavy when it’s ignored by everyone around you!
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:44

@LakieLady

They've obviously never heard the saying that house guests are like fish - they start to stink after 3 days.

And your DP plainly has no idea how stressful it is to host.

I think I'd have a migraine that required me to spend at least 24 hours closeted in my room in the dark, just for some respite.

I do get migraines so it will be an appropriate lie. Also I’ll probably get one from stress!
OP posts:
FoxgloveSummers · 20/12/2021 11:46

This is why so many people file for divorce at the start of January! Used to work in housing and the number of freshly-split up people coming in looking for a place in the new year was HIGH.

rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2021 11:46

You're a bloody saint!!!!

Seriously, I'd be fuming with your DH for agreeing to it without even checking with you first and I wouldn't be lifting a finger to 'help' him get sorted!

You need to start to stand up for yourself. Even if does cause conflict because otherwise, they are all going to walk all over you for ever more.

TeeBee · 20/12/2021 11:52

Right, who has a positive LFT they can send to the OP? Perfectly timed on the morning of the 23rd.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:56

@rainbowstardrops

You're a bloody saint!!!!

Seriously, I'd be fuming with your DH for agreeing to it without even checking with you first and I wouldn't be lifting a finger to 'help' him get sorted!

You need to start to stand up for yourself. Even if does cause conflict because otherwise, they are all going to walk all over you for ever more.

Just makes me want to call everything off. People take the piss
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:57

@TeeBee

Right, who has a positive LFT they can send to the OP? Perfectly timed on the morning of the 23rd.
Then I can’t see my dad or sister though. They’re arriving 24th! Lol I’ll have to just put up with it
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:58

@FoxgloveSummers

This is why so many people file for divorce at the start of January! Used to work in housing and the number of freshly-split up people coming in looking for a place in the new year was HIGH.
Yeah. I think my tolerance is running low.
OP posts: