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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

351 replies

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 10:17

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th.
PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night.
AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited?
I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting.
Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.
4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

OP posts:
heldinadream · 20/12/2021 11:00

You've just confused me - if they're working on the 24th how come they want to come on the 23rd?

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:00

@ChargingBuck

I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting. Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.

& exactly how much of the food prep/laundry/hosting is Partner going to be doing? As it's his side of the family, why has this all fallen on you?

PiL are outrageously rude! As well as thoughtless. They don't get to "decide" they are having an extra night at your house. And your Partner doesn't get to impose that decision - OR the extra bloody chores it entails - onto you.

I’ve told partner he can do it all

I’ll just hide in the gym

OP posts:
Mudflaps · 20/12/2021 11:00

Are they expecting peace and quiet on the 24th so they can work? Sounds like they are very selfish and self important, I think a firm no is required

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/12/2021 11:01

So they want to come up on the 23rd and then wfh in your house on the 24th? I think you are reasonable to say no; you and DH won’t be able to do things like hoovering, putting on the Xmas music or moving around tidying rooms, getting beds ready and other things you need to do if you’re having to be quiet because PILs are working in the house.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:01

@Mudflaps

Are they expecting peace and quiet on the 24th so they can work? Sounds like they are very selfish and self important, I think a firm no is required
They will have space in their room to work.
OP posts:
Snoken · 20/12/2021 11:01

So they want to come to yours a day early, and then work from home from your house? At the same time as you will be cleaning, cooking and getting everything ready. That sounds incredibly selfish of them. I would just say that it doesn't work with your busy schedule for the 24th.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:01

@heldinadream

You've just confused me - if they're working on the 24th how come they want to come on the 23rd?
Work 23rd and then drive then work from my house 24th
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:02

@Snoken

So they want to come to yours a day early, and then work from home from your house? At the same time as you will be cleaning, cooking and getting everything ready. That sounds incredibly selfish of them. I would just say that it doesn't work with your busy schedule for the 24th.
Selfish doesn’t cut it. You wouldn’t believe the shit they’ve pulled over the years
OP posts:
steppemum · 20/12/2021 11:02

I love the fact that they want to work on 24th, but also want to come a day early???

So they are intending to wfh from your house on the 24th?

You need to talk to your partner about the amount of work this whole thing causes, and ask him what his plans are to help?
In fact I would do a bit of a checklist of things for each day and allocate which ones are his. (eg he peels Christmas potatoes on 24th, he tidies and hoovers round on morning on 26th etc etc )

I would let IL know that it is not convenient, please do not come early, and that you cannot provide food on evening of 23rd, and that they cannot work from home from your house on 24th as house will be busy and noisy and internet not good enough. If they still turn up after all that, then I really feel for you for the rest of the 4 days!

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:03

@MolkosTeenageAngst

So they want to come up on the 23rd and then wfh in your house on the 24th? I think you are reasonable to say no; you and DH won’t be able to do things like hoovering, putting on the Xmas music or moving around tidying rooms, getting beds ready and other things you need to do if you’re having to be quiet because PILs are working in the house.
They’ll have their own room with a desk in to work from But yeah annoying
OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 20/12/2021 11:03

Is there a reason they have to drive in the evening and not the afternoon?

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/12/2021 11:04

PS You are a Saint even offering to have 2 people for that long.

EIIa · 20/12/2021 11:04

Would be terrible if you had to
Isolate for a few days op....!

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 20/12/2021 11:05

Your partner is free to think what he wants to think. But if that’s how it’s going to go then he can cater to his family as they drop in and out at will. I’m being serious btw - don’t you go playing the perfect hostess while he larks around without a care in the world. Silently seething whilst taking on more and more wifework will do you absolutely no favours.

He really doesn’t get to decide what you should have to happily put up with in your own home. He gets to ask but he doesn’t get to demand/expect without question and if he's going to let people impose on you then he should at least be gracious enough to accept that it’s unreasonable and that you’re entitled to being miffed about it if you find it stressful or difficult in some way.

steppemum · 20/12/2021 11:05

I know your partner has said yes, but I think I would contact PIL and say partner said yes because obviously he wants to be nice, but it really is not convenient and you are asking them to reconsider, as this does not work for you at all.

Dibble135 · 20/12/2021 11:06

“That does not work for us. See you at…” whenever you said they could arrive.

mindutopia · 20/12/2021 11:06

I think driving on the 23rd (presumably the evening of, if they are wfh that day too) will be more bonkers than on the 24th. Most people I know are working til end of day on the 22nd and 23rd (not the 24th) so will be travelling on the 23rd. I'd expect the 24th will be relatively quiet.

If they need to work during the day (from your house) on the 24th, the sensible option with the least chance of horrible traffic is to set off at 6am. They'll be at yours by 9am and can start work then.

Nidan2Sandan · 20/12/2021 11:07

I'm sure they are being unreasonable but my first thought was "how big is the OPs house to accommodate 7 extra people overnight for all that time" Xmas Grin.

I hate having people overnight in my house, but mainly because they have to sleep on the sofa which means the lounge becomes out of bounds till they get up.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:09

@steppemum

I love the fact that they want to work on 24th, but also want to come a day early???

So they are intending to wfh from your house on the 24th?

You need to talk to your partner about the amount of work this whole thing causes, and ask him what his plans are to help?
In fact I would do a bit of a checklist of things for each day and allocate which ones are his. (eg he peels Christmas potatoes on 24th, he tidies and hoovers round on morning on 26th etc etc )

I would let IL know that it is not convenient, please do not come early, and that you cannot provide food on evening of 23rd, and that they cannot work from home from your house on 24th as house will be busy and noisy and internet not good enough. If they still turn up after all that, then I really feel for you for the rest of the 4 days!

Yes they want to WFH (lol WFDILH) - working from DIL home. So convenient for them hotel DIL!

He’s just said he’ll do everything now we’ve had a Christmassy bust up about it. I’m being made out to be unreasonable

I wish I could say this to them. Can’t face the conflict so I just get annoyed.

Last time I do this. Bah humbug

OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:09

List is a very good idea.

OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 20/12/2021 11:09

Is he selfish and entitled like his parents? I’d honestly be so angry with him for not even asking you first before agreeing to this.

Absolutely do not allow this to happen again. You need to make it clear this is a red line and if he does it again you will a) ring them back and say absolutely not, and b) not lift a finger to help host the CFers.

I realise this sounds extreme but it’s so rude and he’s being so dismissive of you and disrespectful as well.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 20/12/2021 11:10

Well you need to face that conflict. Otherwise that’s how people keep walking all over you.

thing47 · 20/12/2021 11:11

I an sort of see why they might not want to drive on Christmas Eve evening, but it's incredibly rude of them to tell you they are coming a day early.

I'd probably say to DH that you're not hosting or catering that day as you won't have the time so he will need to sort his parents out, including cooking dinner (or eating out).

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 11:12

@mindutopia

I think driving on the 23rd (presumably the evening of, if they are wfh that day too) will be more bonkers than on the 24th. Most people I know are working til end of day on the 22nd and 23rd (not the 24th) so will be travelling on the 23rd. I'd expect the 24th will be relatively quiet.

If they need to work during the day (from your house) on the 24th, the sensible option with the least chance of horrible traffic is to set off at 6am. They'll be at yours by 9am and can start work then.

Yeah that would be much better for me. Maybe I can suggest this. Thank you for the suggestion
OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 20/12/2021 11:13

So essentially, rather than take a day of annual leave (or even a half day), they've decided to inconvenience you instead?