Page 6 | Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

flowersforbrains · 20/12/2021 12:54

Crikey, that is far too long. The extra night and working from the bedroom is taking the piss.

I wouldn't cater for them that night. It's just too much. They need to arrive later or bring food if they want to eat.

Next year either don't invite them or invite them for two nights maximum.

I read these threads and just shudder. Very glad I am not married to a selfish moron.

SportsMother · 20/12/2021 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 12:56

@phoenixrosehere

I think it’s that introversion where you need time away from others. Just to survive!

Agree. I work with the public and when I get home I just want to relax. Home is sanctuary in this family so when we do have people over it’s discussed and preplanned in advance. We prefer meeting people out instead when possible.

Sanctuary is always broken when I dare to disagree with the in laws. It’s the source of all our argumenrs

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BIWI · 20/12/2021 12:58

@Magnoliasstreet

Can’t handle the conflict with partner. Just hate conflict

Nobody likes conflict!

Being assertive doesn't mean being aggressive. You simply have to put forward your view/opinion because it has just as much worth as your partner's

KerryWeaver · 20/12/2021 12:58

Partner has said yes already. Phrased to me ‘they’re coming 23rd night’

Well then, he has to ring them back and tell them no.

You have already been more than generous. It's time to put your foot down.

Roselilly36 · 20/12/2021 13:00

As it is PIL I think that’s ok, perhaps they want to spend some time with you & DP before everyone else arrives.

I hope are these guests are going to pitch in and help you though OP, make sure you accept help & suggest jobs they can do, it’s your Christmas too OP.

I think you are brave, no way would I consider a Christmas like this, Good luck, I hope it isn’t too stressful, start the way you mean to go on would be my advice.

steppemum · 20/12/2021 13:01

I think that while it is attractive to say - dh has to do it all. In reality that doean't work.
Partly because I bet OP actually would like food served at right time and some organisation, not chaos, and partly because I can guarantee that the OP will get the blame.

Which is why I say you need to plan this with your DP.
Sit down and go through the things that need doing, and tell dh which ones he is responsible for.
If that means you say - your are cooking on 26th and 27th, or if that means you say - all washing up is yours, I am not doing ANY from 23rd.
Whatever works for you. For me, I would rather stay in control of the food, and make him to the clearing and washing up etc. But that will depend on you and dh.

This is a compromise. In the long run, he needs to prioritise you over his parents, and agree to joint decsions. But for this time, they are coming, and you need to plan what he must do. Because if you just say he must 'do more' that isn't going to happen.

CharityDingle · 20/12/2021 13:04

@Roselilly36

As it is PIL I think that’s ok, perhaps they want to spend some time with you & DP before everyone else arrives.

I hope are these guests are going to pitch in and help you though OP, make sure you accept help & suggest jobs they can do, it’s your Christmas too OP.

I think you are brave, no way would I consider a Christmas like this, Good luck, I hope it isn’t too stressful, start the way you mean to go on would be my advice.

I agree about them pitching in. I would just rephrase that slightly, make sure partner accepts help and suggests jobs that they can do.

It's not automatically the woman's job to make Christmas happen for everyone and unfortunately quite a lot of women do seem to martyr themselves to the cause, if threads on MN are anything to go by.

Squeezita · 20/12/2021 13:05

Partner thinks family should be able to come and go as they please. I feel differently.

It extends to my sister only as she is recently widowed and lives alone

So his family have carte blanche to come and go as they please but you're only allowed to invite your sister?

Where is your anger OP?

CharityDingle · 20/12/2021 13:07

I’ve invited them because my partner has been really flat at Christmas when we’ve had a quiet one. He loves big family gatherings. Just don’t understand what I consider to be very generous offer needs to be extended.

The two of you really need to sit down and talk when all of this is over. He likes the big gatherings, you don't. There has to be a halfway meeting of expectations somewhere. Personally, it would be my idea of hell having some many people around, for so long. Never mind the PILs inviting themselves for an extra night. Ugh.

hivemindneeded · 20/12/2021 13:08

@Magnoliasstreet

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th. PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night. AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited? I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting. Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision. 4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

OP, it was when I started feeling like this that I delegated the prep of everything to do with DPs family coming to him. He finally realised how hard work it is to scrub bathrooms, move beds around, wash the linen and towels and make the beds/find bulbs for lamps you don't usually use etc etc all while prepping loads of extra food, decorating the house, wrapping Christmas presents etc. He used to leave it all to me and then I stopped completely for a few visits. Now we share it 50/50.

phoenixrosehere · 20/12/2021 13:09

Sanctuary is always broken when I dare to disagree with the in laws. It’s the source of all our argumenrs

You have a massive DH problem then. His comfort nor his parents should come before yours when you are doing most of the work. I also wonder how they are going to help if they’re coming early to wfh in your home.

ifonly4 · 20/12/2021 13:11

I'd tell them I'm very much looking forward to seeing them, but just won't be ready a day earlier - also be honest and tell them you haven't got the head space to worry about another day of food - unless of course they'd like to take you out for a meal/buy a takeaway as a thank you.

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:12

@Squeezita

Partner thinks family should be able to come and go as they please. I feel differently.

It extends to my sister only as she is recently widowed and lives alone

So his family have carte blanche to come and go as they please but you're only allowed to invite your sister?

Where is your anger OP?

I only have a sister and a father. No other family. I’m angry but more sad I don’t have as much family of my own to involve.

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Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:13

@phoenixrosehere

Sanctuary is always broken when I dare to disagree with the in laws. It’s the source of all our argumenrs

You have a massive DH problem then. His comfort nor his parents should come before yours when you are doing most of the work. I also wonder how they are going to help if they’re coming early to wfh in your home.

I wish I’d been more specific and asked people to come 24th-26th. I just said Christmas period. Then the bloody bank holidays mean 27th and 28th off so it’s assumed they’ll stay until then.

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Squeezita · 20/12/2021 13:15

Why can't you tell DH to host it all?

My Dh invited his parents, sister and brother, and nieces and nephews 2 years ago and he did all - the turkey, all cooking, decoration, present wrapping.

Why can't you leave it all to DH?

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:15

@CharityDingle

I’ve invited them because my partner has been really flat at Christmas when we’ve had a quiet one. He loves big family gatherings. Just don’t understand what I consider to be very generous offer needs to be extended.

The two of you really need to sit down and talk when all of this is over. He likes the big gatherings, you don't. There has to be a halfway meeting of expectations somewhere. Personally, it would be my idea of hell having some many people around, for so long. Never mind the PILs inviting themselves for an extra night. Ugh.

Well it’s not happening again now. Someone always ruins it for everyone else haha! Think I’ll just go away for an extended spa break and leave them all to it.

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Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:17

@Squeezita

Why can't you tell DH to host it all?

My Dh invited his parents, sister and brother, and nieces and nephews 2 years ago and he did all - the turkey, all cooking, decoration, present wrapping.

Why can't you leave it all to DH?

I think I will. I’m not sure I can be bothered with all the gushing over my partner though- how great he is/ how lazy i am

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Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:18

@ifonly4

I'd tell them I'm very much looking forward to seeing them, but just won't be ready a day earlier - also be honest and tell them you haven't got the head space to worry about another day of food - unless of course they'd like to take you out for a meal/buy a takeaway

as a thank you.

This is a good approach. I’m thinking I’ll do Xmas dinner and everyone else can sort the other meals.

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Squeezita · 20/12/2021 13:19

I think I will. I’m not sure I can be bothered with all the gushing over my partner though- how great he is/ how lazy i am

Good! Leave it all to him.

What does DH say when they talk about you like that?

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:19

@phoenixrosehere

Sanctuary is always broken when I dare to disagree with the in laws. It’s the source of all our argumenrs

You have a massive DH problem then. His comfort nor his parents should come before yours when you are doing most of the work. I also wonder how they are going to help if they’re coming early to wfh in your home.

Yep. I can see where the disrespect comes from. PIL hate each other’s company - one reason I assume that they are desperate to be with us as much as possible.

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Snoozer11 · 20/12/2021 13:20

Honestly, I think inviting so many people for so long is mental and I can't abide this sort of martyrdom that always comes out at Christmas. Women People taking on far too much in an attempt to play happy families and be the perfect host, but complaining and seething all the way through.

If you're not looking forward to having them over, then you simply shouldn't have invited them. Who cares if your husband is flat at Christmas? He'll get over it.

Distant relatives coming one night early? Not ok. Parents arriving early? That's fine.

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:20

@Squeezita

I think I will. I’m not sure I can be bothered with all the gushing over my partner though- how great he is/ how lazy i am

Good! Leave it all to him.

What does DH say when they talk about you like that?

It’s said behind my back but I’ve overheard it historically. Partner passive and obsessively pleases parents.

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Squeezita · 20/12/2021 13:21

It sounds like you’re a scapegoat for everyone to take their frustrations out on

Original poster

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 13:21

@Snoozer11

Honestly, I think inviting so many people for so long is mental and I can't abide this sort of martyrdom that always comes out at Christmas. Women People taking on far too much in an attempt to play happy families and be the perfect host, but complaining and seething all the way through.

If you're not looking forward to having them over, then you simply shouldn't have invited them. Who cares if your husband is flat at Christmas? He'll get over it.

Distant relatives coming one night early? Not ok. Parents arriving early? That's fine.

I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. That is true. I do think I’m mental for offering tbh. I thought it would be 24-26th (that’s what Xmas is to me) not 23rd-28th.

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