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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

351 replies

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 10:17

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th.
PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night.
AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited?
I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting.
Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.
4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 21/12/2021 16:16

Yes in my home it also very equal between the two of us. Therefore give and take is fair. There is respect and allowances are made on either side.

That is patently not what is happening here. So our situations have fuck all to do with it.

It’s just useless and pointless to come on to a thread like this and bleat on about the poor men and it’s always so unfair to the poor men and why isn’t this woman just putting up and shutting up (that’s the clear subtext) and why are you all so mean and nasty about the (rude and obnoxious) PIL. Etc etc.

I’m not going to point out where in this thread it says about him not helping out and the getting drunk etc. It’s in there somewhere.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 21/12/2021 16:19

I didn’t say it never happens, or might never happen...Come back to me when a man is in a comparable and equivalent situation and I absolutely will be on his side.

This situation is not one of those, hence I am firmly on OP’s side. It really shouldn’t be difficult to understand.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 16:28

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

I didn’t say it never happens, or might never happen...Come back to me when a man is in a comparable and equivalent situation and I absolutely will be on his side.

This situation is not one of those, hence I am firmly on OP’s side. It really shouldn’t be difficult to understand.

Update- lots of delegating including washing and meal prep Partner will lead most things he has said. Not sure when people are arriving but I am a lot less stressed now. Thank you for your support. I'll let you know how it all goes. I feel a bit more festive now. Merry Christmas to you all. I'm hoping the boundaries are respected, but that's yet to be determined
OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 21/12/2021 16:33

You’ve made great progress!! Fingers crossed it doesn’t turn into a shit show but even if it does you’ll feel better for having clearly stated your expectations.

Take time out wherever you can. An hour or two alone with your baby/toddler to ground you and get you away from negative aspects.
Don’t pick up any slack unless you actually want to and if doing it will be better for you.

Make sure you get to sit and enjoy your Christmas dinner too. No running round like a maniac to make sure everyone else is happy.

If he steps up, fair play to him. Don’t be too upset if he doesn’t though.

Happy Christmas one and all!🎄🎄

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 16:47

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

You’ve made great progress!! Fingers crossed it doesn’t turn into a shit show but even if it does you’ll feel better for having clearly stated your expectations.

Take time out wherever you can. An hour or two alone with your baby/toddler to ground you and get you away from negative aspects.
Don’t pick up any slack unless you actually want to and if doing it will be better for you.

Make sure you get to sit and enjoy your Christmas dinner too. No running round like a maniac to make sure everyone else is happy.

If he steps up, fair play to him. Don’t be too upset if he doesn’t though.

Happy Christmas one and all!🎄🎄

Thank you Smile
OP posts:
GoodPrincessWenceslas · 21/12/2021 16:50

Partner owes me a lot already from multiple stags and nights out.
I feel like I’m too much of a pushover. I wish I’d be more assertive

Time to book yourself a regular evening or weekend appointment to do something you want to do. Or a couple of full weekends away.

worriedatthemoment · 21/12/2021 17:28

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule well OP has updated a little different to what you said was the case

worriedatthemoment · 21/12/2021 17:30

@Magnoliasstreet make sure you get some time and rest when needed and glad your partner is doing his share and def all hands to deck with the others, if they want to stay they have to be willing to muck in
Hope you get to enjoy it

cherish123 · 21/12/2021 17:36

YANBU
I can understand your in-laws not wanting to drive on C Eve but I still think they should just lump it. What on earth possessed you to invite them to stay until 28th? 27th would be latest for me, I am afraid.

ques · 21/12/2021 17:36

Enjoy your Christmas OP!

And if the ILs are horrors, kill them with kindness - whilst getting them to help!

Mirw · 21/12/2021 17:41

Lots of people, especially those a bit older, do not like driving on Xmas Eve, and I don't blame them. It is mayhem as everyone is stressed out and wanting to be at their destination soonest.
When making decisions about invites, you need to factor in these things so you are being UR really.

Yearonebesties · 21/12/2021 17:44

You couldn’t be less unreasonable op and I think you know it.

Sh05 · 21/12/2021 18:03

Make plans for at least one of those days to spend solely with your sister
Do you have a family wattsapp group? Make clear on their that you'll be doing Christmas dinner and then allocate specific days to specific family members.
Make it clear that your home will be the hub but you won't be expected to cook for everyone everyday.

Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 18:06

[quote worriedatthemoment]@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule well OP has updated a little different to what you said was the case [/quote]
I think unless I specified there would be me being a martyr and him boozing so I do need to crack the whip and expect some fair sharing going on

OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 18:06

@Yearonebesties

You couldn’t be less unreasonable op and I think you know it.
Sorry I don't understand all the negatives. Please translate for me! Thank you for replying
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 18:07

@Sh05

Make plans for at least one of those days to spend solely with your sister Do you have a family wattsapp group? Make clear on their that you'll be doing Christmas dinner and then allocate specific days to specific family members. Make it clear that your home will be the hub but you won't be expected to cook for everyone everyday.
We have separated the responsibility for meals now which is a relief
OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 21/12/2021 18:15

[quote worriedatthemoment]@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule well OP has updated a little different to what you said was the case [/quote]
Yes...

After the advice on this thread.

Whereas if we’d all come on here and said various versions of the following:

Oh but why are you being difficult...oh but it’s his house too...oh but what about his poor dear parents...oh but where is the fairness towards the poor man...oh but no we can’t possibly on your side OP...because are you sure you’re not being unreasonable...

Etc etc

OP likely wouldn’t have had this (hopefully) at least a little more positive outcome. Would she?

No. She wouldn’t.

Anyway I’m not going to waste any more effort explaining my perspective on this. You’re perfectly entitled to yours.

Bertiebiscuit · 21/12/2021 18:24

Are you sure you should be doing any of this? Erm, covid, omicron??????

007Stocko · 21/12/2021 18:50

If they want to avoid the Christmas traffic on Christmas Eve then say fine, see you Christmas morning! Simples............

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 21/12/2021 19:06

Let them come but make it clear to your dh he will be responsible for hosting them as you'll be busy doing 'stuff'

phoenixrosehere · 21/12/2021 19:06

Lots of people, especially those a bit older, do not like driving on Xmas Eve, and I don't blame them. It is mayhem as everyone is stressed out and wanting to be at their destination soonest.
When making decisions about invites, you need to factor in these things so you are being UR really.

And the in-laws need to factor in all the work OP is doing for them to stay there instead of a hotel. If they needed an extra day they should have said so from the get go and they’re mainly coming early so they can wfh in OP’s home on Christmas Eve not to actually spend time with their son and grandchildren.

LouBan · 21/12/2021 19:06

I think they are being rude inviting themselves for an extra night. You are being kind enough having them to stay for several days. When we have been invited to stay with family over Christmas we are always asked from Christmas Eve.

Greenrubber · 21/12/2021 19:14

Good luck OP
Hopefully you will have a great Xmas

DagenhamRoundhouse · 21/12/2021 19:21

You are a saint for even entertaining this idea!

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 21/12/2021 19:32

Balls to this

I’d take the kids and bugger off to a premier inn for the whole time! Only returning for the meals that that bunch of cheeky arses can cook!