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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

351 replies

Magnoliasstreet · 20/12/2021 10:17

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th.
PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night.
AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited?
I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting.
Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.
4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 06:13

@Anaximedes

IMO it's not an unreasonable request but it should have been a request, and a no should be dealt with by them reasonably if you can't manage it. Telling you, that's not on, you are right to be narked.

You are probably also right, unless there are some very specific circumstances, to expect this sort of request to have been though of and asked much earlier, in good time for them to use a hotel or get a train if need be. Some people are so disorganised and make it everyone's else's problem.

But it's silly season. This is mild in the scheme of things.

I appreciate it's not a big deal on its own but it's more the principle and selfishness of the request. Partner is upset with me now as I've asked him to say no and now he's angry.
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 06:14

@oKoK65

I agree this is rude! But some families do have an open door policy it sound like you guys do things differently. I would leave cooking/organising to oh and keep busy myself. At least if they are working you won't be entertaining them in day.
I think the open door policy would be the case if there was any kind of emergency, but just so it's convenient for them is what annoyed me.
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 06:15

[quote GrannytoaUnicorn]@Magnoliasstreet You need to call them yourself and tell them that it's just not convenient and that you're "very sorry....!" [/quote]
Yes I think I do. I'll be the bad guy then but I'm beyond caring tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 06:16

@Stigsmother

Any chance that you and your sister could take your children out for the day on Christmas Eve? You could have some valuable time together, whilst pretending that you are giving the WFH-ers a bit of peaceXmas Wink
Yes this is a good idea potentially we can do this! Thank you.
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 06:18

@mediumbrownmug

Yikes, OP. Sounds like you have a you problem. You mentioned that your DH and in-laws don’t respect your needs and you wonder why, but honestly it sort of sounds as if you don’t really respect your needs either. I do mean that in the kindest way, as you sound like such a lovely person. Flowers

You do realize that it’s completely okay to want what you want? Your partner likes a different type of Christmas to yours, and has somehow decided (conveniently) that his preference is the only right way and therefore yours doesn’t matter. That is categorically untrue. He should not try to manipulate you into having to accept his way because he’s “already said yes.” As another poster said upthread, all that means is that he now has to ring back and say “no.” Which is hardly akin to scaling Everest, is it?

He might refuse, because there are consequences for him making that phone call (angry parents, etc.). Are there ever any consequences for him walking all over you? You cannot control his actions (nor should you try), but you can certainly control yours. You are allowed boundaries, and if others violate them you are allowed to exit the situation.

Your DC are swiftly getting to the age where they will have their own needs and preferences. Will he walk all over theirs too? Will he encourage them to walk all over yours? How will that dynamic work exactly?

Changing your role in a longstanding dynamic for DH and his family will be upsetting to them at first, but ultimately you should be proud of yourself for wanting to make boundaries that are healthy for you.

This has made me cry. I really don't want this for my children. Their needs are my priority and I want to protect them. I need to protect my boundaries in a better firmer way.
OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 06:22

@billy1966

OP,

You sound so lovely OP.

This is a sad thread, because you sound so bullied.

You have been given some great advice and suggestions.

I mean this very kindly, but you sound very vulnerable to being in an abusive relationship.

Your partner sounds like a petulant, selfish bully, who doesn't seem to have much regard for you.

You have recently had a baby and you have a toddler.

Very little sleep, but are expected to cater for a huge crowd for many nights on next to no sleep.

You are very vulnerable to getting sick and depressed.

Please reach out to your family for support.

Your partner is not a good man.

He sounds awful.

Please mind your health and MH.

Your children need you.

Again, you sound so lovely and deserve so much better that him.

Sort your contraception and start putting money away.

With an excuse of a man like you have, it really would be wise.

Flowers

Thank you for writing this.

I realise I'm vulnerable. But I am making plans for the future with work, finances and total independence should I need it.

It's hard to imagine a world in separate households. Is it more damaging for the children to be amidst it or separated. Both cause so much damage for childrens' mental health. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

I have longstanding PTSD, anxiety and depression. This was worsened by a rape over a decade ago.

I do often wonder if I am able to tolerate so much nonsense because of my history.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magnoliasstreet · 21/12/2021 06:24

@RandomMess

I really hope you are breastfeeding but even if not "baby is too distracted I need to feed upstairs" or suddenly become uncomfortable feeding around so many 😉
Yes I think this is a very good option.
OP posts:
ColleysMill · 21/12/2021 07:06

There's some great advice on the thread for you op and I hope you manage to make some of it work for you.

I'm a big list maker and delegator - even my 7 Yr old is capable of peeling carrots after being bribed with a maccies breakfast on Christmas eve Wink and whilst we always have a house full luckily they all live in staggering distance so don't end up staying 😁. If you do delegate make sure it's something you don't mind isn't done quite the way you'd do it (wonky chopped carrots anyone?) Or it just becomes more stressful. They also need to bring meals as someone earlier suggested or atlest pay and organise a takeaway (ordering takeaway can be a mammoth challenge in itself sometimes for big groups of people )

I don't like help actually cooking the main dinner (very much Get out of my kitchen!!) But everyone knows when the cheese and port and coffee comes out that's me done and they help clear up while I sit and relax.

I'd also include Time with the kids on the list for you. Someone is going to have to play with them and change nappies etc as they aren't as old as mine who atleast can entertain themselves for half an hour.

EmmasMum12 · 21/12/2021 07:18

You have a partner problem as he thinks more of his relatives and a 'big Christmas' than he does of you

Your not liking conflict is something your partner uses to his advantage every time

EmmasMum12 · 21/12/2021 07:21

''It's hard to imagine a world in separate households. Is it more damaging for the children to be amidst it or separated. Both cause so much damage for childrens' mental health. I don't know what the right thing to do is. ''

In my opinion the happiest children are the children whose main carer feels happy secure content and safe.

Bellafrenum · 21/12/2021 07:58

Jesus OP.

You need to get a job, assertiveness therapy and a divorce.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2021 08:46

I think, OP, get past this.

Then come back to the Relationship Board in the new year for advice.

I think you'll need it.

Good luck

CoffeeBeansGalore · 21/12/2021 13:07

@Magnoliasstreet Please be aware there is now talk of restrictions coming in on the 27th. Very good reason for them all to leave early!

RandomMess · 21/12/2021 13:16

Actually I think I may feign mastitis!!

Momijin · 21/12/2021 14:21

Sending you hugs op. I can't imagine your husband and relatives behaving like thos when you've got a small baby and a toddler. And your husband is financially abusive too.

You know what? You're going to be painted lazy etc regardless of what you do so you may as well do what you want. They're all adults and you're the only one who has to deal with getting the house ready and the food ordered along with looking after 2 small kids.

I've been where you are and it makes me sick how I was treated. I am so much happier now in different houses and wish that I had left years before I did.

worriedatthemoment · 21/12/2021 14:24

Two sides to this , its also your partners house so he gets a say on who comes when as well but only if he is helping equally with hosting , tidying , preparing etc

worriedatthemoment · 21/12/2021 14:26

Everyone seems to be forgetting its also the partners home
Mumsnet is so against the partner/ dh family
If op had posted my mum wants to come a day early but DH has said no people would be up in arms

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 21/12/2021 14:32

I cannot stand it when people switch the sexes on scenarios like this.

No, it’s patently not the same.

There is no balance in this situation. There is no respect for OP and her needs/wants/boundaries/bloody hard work.

OP isn’t refusing to have her DP’s family, is she. She’s offered for all of them to come to hers, for days over Christmas! - because she wanted to be nice to her DP.

OP has a very small baby, is doing all the hosting work and wasn’t even asked if it was okay with her for people to come early. Her partner is going to be sitting getting drunk and his parents will be sleeping in OP’s bed. Get back to me when a man would EVER be in a comparable situation.

That’s why people are on OP’s side.

Coffeepot72 · 21/12/2021 14:44

Bravo @HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule - excellent post

billy1966 · 21/12/2021 15:02

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

I cannot stand it when people switch the sexes on scenarios like this.

No, it’s patently not the same.

There is no balance in this situation. There is no respect for OP and her needs/wants/boundaries/bloody hard work.

OP isn’t refusing to have her DP’s family, is she. She’s offered for all of them to come to hers, for days over Christmas! - because she wanted to be nice to her DP.

OP has a very small baby, is doing all the hosting work and wasn’t even asked if it was okay with her for people to come early. Her partner is going to be sitting getting drunk and his parents will be sleeping in OP’s bed. Get back to me when a man would EVER be in a comparable situation.

That’s why people are on OP’s side.

Absolutely this.

Never fails to amaze me how obtuse some people are on MN, defending such a selfish partner.

I had 8 guests for ONE night during the summer and it was enough.

Throw in giving my bed up and a new baby and toddler......unbelievable.

Only on MN do obtuse people defend the partners rights to have his family watered, fed, endlessly by a new mother.🙄

worriedatthemoment · 21/12/2021 16:07

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule why ? Why is it so different as i said if they are helping out the other partner?
Yes ideally it should be an agreed scenario together / jointly and discussed but surely one doesn't always trump the other

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 21/12/2021 16:10

If they are helping out

He is not helping out. Hence the answers on this thread.

Surely one doesn’t always trump the other?

Quite.

His wants always trump hers.

Hence the answers on this thread.

worriedatthemoment · 21/12/2021 16:12

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule where did it say her partner would be sitting drunk , when people suggested leaving him to host the OP said good idea she would ?
Thats what i actually said if you read it was if the other partner is willing to do more of the hosting etc then I don't see the issue and based on the very first post which is what I was commenting on we had no idea what the case would be
In my house my dh would be doing all the cooking and would 50/50 share any other things like housework where as I would do the shopping side
So therefore If he was to say yes to family coming earlier I might not like ot but would accept its also his decision
Generally we would prob discuss but sometimes you can be put in on the spot positions
My mil is not the nicest but I don't say anything to much about her coming here as its not just my house and shes not abusive ( that would be different ) but I don't run around after her thats dh job

worriedatthemoment · 21/12/2021 16:12

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule sorry i missed the OP where she said he doesn't help out at all ?

worriedatthemoment · 21/12/2021 16:14

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule you cannot say no man has ever not been on this scenario either that is just not realistic
I know of men who run around doing all for their wifes as well granted its less than the other way around but you can't blanket say it doesn't happen