Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

[Magnoliasstreet]

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th.
PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night.
AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited?
I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting.
Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.
4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

WFH in your house on 24th?

FFS, talk about taking the piss.

Get some turbo hoovering outside the room they’re in, tinker about for intermittent wi-fi supply & YOUR favourite ‘get-stuff-done’ music playing full blast - I’d alternate GeorgeM, Queen & Christmas hits - as the soundtrack to house-wide preparations.

Yes, there is work to be done on the 24th & it is to get ready for the Christmas onslaught.

I have been there as my youngest DD was a newborn at Christmas and l hosted family on Boxing Day.

The thing is, DH helped prep and my family all helped clearing away (all very low key)

It sounds as though, your DH and his family all expect to sit and ReeeelllAAAX, whilst you slave away feeding and bottle washing. This isn’t just for a day!

@Magnoliasstreet you will need to ignore any eye rolling, rude comments and emotional blackmail.

Take the baby out, take time putting them down for a nap just to give yourself space.

I would also, be kicking your DH up the arse.

My condolences to your sister for her loss (& to you too). The first Christmas of a bereavement can be very hard indeed.

All the more reason for your OH & PILs to make a significant effort & take the load from you so that you & your sister have time & space together. You may need quite some time together, you may just need that hour or two out & a nice lunch together, whatever is needed.

OH & PILs, & all the guests, need to pull together to even out the household load & childcare. A nice time for the kids to get to know their relatives as they play indoors & go out for walks etc.

Please @Magnoliasstreet do not shoulder all this obligation & extra work. Distribute, delegate & work to rule as required to give your self a likely chance of not being overwhelmed & exhausted.

You have a FOUR month old baby, who I assume wakes in the night and you are sleeping on the floor!

I missed that gem. Not only sleeping on the floor but with a waking baby in your other child's room? So that your working age in laws get a bed?

Do you need to remind yourself just how abnormal that is? I bet I'm in their age bracket and I cannot conceive of doing this to a woman with fairly new and waking baby and I don't know anyone my age who would consider it!

‘ We have rules - all visitors have to be the "mucking in" type, the workload and child management is shared, everybody needs a bit of time out in a crowded house and DH and I both enjoy it (and I do not sleep on the floor).’

Sounds like a plan for a good life @C8H10N4O2.

Travelling down early Christmas Day is a sensible alternative, round here the roads are empty until 11am when people head out for family lunch.

FOMO? If they must avoid the hassle of traffic on 24th, either they turn up on 23rd & realistically help out on 24th, or come along on 25th in good time to peel the veg. That is the offer…

I care far more about your sister than I do your PILs.

@UniversalAunt

WFH in your house on 24th?

FFS, talk about taking the piss.

Get some turbo hoovering outside the room they’re in, tinker about for intermittent wi-fi supply & YOUR favourite ‘get-stuff-done’ music playing full blast - I’d alternate GeorgeM, Queen & Christmas hits - as the soundtrack to house-wide preparations.

Yes, there is work to be done on the 24th & it is to get ready for the Christmas onslaught.

Definitely

@UniversalAunt

My condolences to your sister for her loss (& to you too). The first Christmas of a bereavement can be very hard indeed.

All the more reason for your OH & PILs to make a significant effort & take the load from you so that you & your sister have time & space together. You may need quite some time together, you may just need that hour or two out & a nice lunch together, whatever is needed.

OH & PILs, & all the guests, need to pull together to even out the household load & childcare. A nice time for the kids to get to know their relatives as they play indoors & go out for walks etc.

Please @Magnoliasstreet do not shoulder all this obligation & extra work. Distribute, delegate & work to rule as required to give your self a likely chance of not being overwhelmed & exhausted.

Thank you. I hope we can find some restorative time together. Without the constant pressure to entertain

@C8H10N4O2

You have a FOUR month old baby, who I assume wakes in the night and you are sleeping on the floor!

I missed that gem. Not only sleeping on the floor but with a waking baby in your other child's room? So that your working age in laws get a bed?

Do you need to remind yourself just how abnormal that is? I bet I'm in their age bracket and I cannot conceive of doing this to a woman with fairly new and waking baby and I don't know anyone my age who would consider it!

I know it's abnormal I just need to hear it. I'm being made to feel like I am abnormal

@REignbow

I have been there as my youngest DD was a newborn at Christmas and l hosted family on Boxing Day.

The thing is, DH helped prep and my family all helped clearing away (all very low key)

It sounds as though, your DH and his family all expect to sit and ReeeelllAAAX, whilst you slave away feeding and bottle washing. This isn’t just for a day!

@Magnoliasstreet you will need to ignore any eye rolling, rude comments and emotional blackmail.

Take the baby out, take time putting them down for a nap just to give yourself space.

I would also, be kicking your DH up the arse.

Everyone will muck in if I get my own way

@StillWeRise

its all very well advising OP to get the ILs helping with christmas prep but in my experience this never works well. They never know where stuff is, or how to do even the most basic stuff and basically get in your way while you try and do other stuff (making you less efficient) and then you have to redo what they supposedly did 'to help'. The only exception would be of they go out with a stict shopping list or take DCs out of the house. Honestly if there's no way of avoiding them coming I's be telling them you are too busy to host, they will have to make up their own bed and fix their own food.

This is a consideration too

When I do host for loads they all know I'm 'done' once the Christmas
Dinner is served.

We eat...then I disappear - another room with a book, on the bed with a magazine or out for a walk, whilst everyone else mucks in with clearing up and putting the room straight.

@AshLane

When I do host for loads they all know I'm 'done' once the Christmas Dinner is served.

We eat...then I disappear - another room with a book, on the bed with a magazine or out for a walk, whilst everyone else mucks in with clearing up and putting the room straight.

This is a really good way to do it. Christmas dinner is enough on its own!

Oh dear, sounds like they are the family from hell, I'm betting they're boozers too. Besides all the great ideas on here (I'm going with the arrive early morning Christmas eve or better still Christmas day)
You and your DSis definitely need to get out of the house, a lot! I know it may be a step too far but maybe you and the kids go to your sister's and leave the family from hell together.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

Oh dear, sounds like they are the family from hell, I'm betting they're boozers too. Besides all the great ideas on here (I'm going with the arrive early morning Christmas eve or better still Christmas day) You and your DSis definitely need to get out of the house, a lot! I know it may be a step too far but maybe you and the kids go to your sister's and leave the family from hell together.

Any excuse to get out of the house. Already booked a massage for the day they're going!

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

PS. My mother always has to change arrangements, regardless, or at least tries to. I think it's a control thing.

My sibling does too. It's definitely a control thing.

I really hope you are breastfeeding but even if not "baby is too distracted I need to feed upstairs" or suddenly become uncomfortable feeding around so many 😉

God. I've got 15 for lunch on the day and 4 staying for one night and that's plenty! I'd never invite anyone to stay for 4 days - let alone 12 people. It would drive me nuts.

OP,

You sound so lovely OP.

This is a sad thread, because you sound so bullied.

You have been given some great advice and suggestions.

I mean this very kindly, but you sound very vulnerable to being in an abusive relationship.

Your partner sounds like a petulant, selfish bully, who doesn't seem to have much regard for you.

You have recently had a baby and you have a toddler.

Very little sleep, but are expected to cater for a huge crowd for many nights on next to no sleep.

You are very vulnerable to getting sick and depressed.

Please reach out to your family for support.

Your partner is not a good man.

He sounds awful.

Please mind your health and MH.

Your children need you.

Again, you sound so lovely and deserve so much better that him.

Sort your contraception and start putting money away.

With an excuse of a man like you have, it really would be wise.

Yikes, OP. Sounds like you have a you problem. You mentioned that your DH and in-laws don’t respect your needs and you wonder why, but honestly it sort of sounds as if you don’t really respect your needs either. I do mean that in the kindest way, as you sound like such a lovely person.

You do realize that it’s completely okay to want what you want? Your partner likes a different type of Christmas to yours, and has somehow decided (conveniently) that his preference is the only right way and therefore yours doesn’t matter. That is categorically untrue. He should not try to manipulate you into having to accept his way because he’s “already said yes.” As another poster said upthread, all that means is that he now has to ring back and say “no.” Which is hardly akin to scaling Everest, is it?

He might refuse, because there are consequences for him making that phone call (angry parents, etc.). Are there ever any consequences for him walking all over you? You cannot control his actions (nor should you try), but you can certainly control yours. You are allowed boundaries, and if others violate them you are allowed to exit the situation.

Your DC are swiftly getting to the age where they will have their own needs and preferences. Will he walk all over theirs too? Will he encourage them to walk all over yours? How will that dynamic work exactly?

Changing your role in a longstanding dynamic for DH and his family will be upsetting to them at first, but ultimately you should be proud of yourself for wanting to make boundaries that are healthy for you.

Any chance that you and your sister could take your children out for the day on Christmas Eve? You could have some valuable time together, whilst pretending that you are giving the WFH-ers a bit of peace

@Magnoliasstreet You need to call them yourself and tell them that it's just not convenient and that you're "very sorry....!"

I agree this is rude! But some families do have an open door policy it sound like you guys do things differently. I would leave cooking/organising to oh and keep busy myself. At least if they are working you won't be entertaining them in day.

IMO it's not an unreasonable request but it should have been a request, and a no should be dealt with by them reasonably if you can't manage it. Telling you, that's not on, you are right to be narked.

You are probably also right, unless there are some very specific circumstances, to expect this sort of request to have been though of and asked much earlier, in good time for them to use a hotel or get a train if need be. Some people are so disorganised and make it everyone's else's problem.

But it's silly season. This is mild in the scheme of things.

Oh I feel for you OP.
It sounds like we have exactly the same in-laws, right down to the 3 hour drive which requires them to stay for DAYS ON END because it's "such a long and exhausting trip" 🙄

And the constant push for more time, no invitation is ever long enough, another 24 hours is always requested for one reason or another.

I too am dreading the extended stay, the hard work, domestic drudgery, literally days of endless boring chat and the judgement of it all. I vow every year that it will be different. I put my foot down for Christmas 2019 and refused to have them. 2 years later we still haven't heard the end of it. They were supposed to come last year which was thankfully cancelled by the politicians but I don't think I'll be so lucky this year. Seriously contemplating a positive LFT on the 23rd so we will be waiting for test results over 24th and 25th.

Loved that lockdown Christmas with just my immediate family, I wish they could all be like that!

You've had some great advice on this thread, lots of which I will be taking on myself. I find it so hard to stop the Christmas martyrdom when part of the issue is that I want it to be perfect myself too. Perfect for me is very different to perfect for my dickhead in-laws!

@ouchmyfeet

Oh I feel for you OP. It sounds like we have exactly the same in-laws, right down to the 3 hour drive which requires them to stay for DAYS ON END because it's "such a long and exhausting trip" 🙄

And the constant push for more time, no invitation is ever long enough, another 24 hours is always requested for one reason or another.

I too am dreading the extended stay, the hard work, domestic drudgery, literally days of endless boring chat and the judgement of it all. I vow every year that it will be different. I put my foot down for Christmas 2019 and refused to have them. 2 years later we still haven't heard the end of it. They were supposed to come last year which was thankfully cancelled by the politicians but I don't think I'll be so lucky this year. Seriously contemplating a positive LFT on the 23rd so we will be waiting for test results over 24th and 25th.

Loved that lockdown Christmas with just my immediate family, I wish they could all be like that!

You've had some great advice on this thread, lots of which I will be taking on myself. I find it so hard to stop the Christmas martyrdom when part of the issue is that I want it to be perfect myself too. Perfect for me is very different to perfect for my dickhead in-laws!

Thank you. I think that's it. The disregard for anyone else's feelings and needs.