Special unexpected visitors … sorry very predictable

[Magnoliasstreet]

I have invited 7 of partners family to our house for Christmas for the entire period 24th-28th.
PIL have decided they want to come a night early so they don’t have to drive in the evening 24th night.
AIBU to just expect people to come when they are invited?
I will be hosting 12 people on the busiest days and I just can’t be bothered with more food prep/laundry/hosting.
Partner thinks I’m being unreasonable by questioning the decision.
4 nights to me already seems such a long time!

@UniversalAunt

Don’t look a sensible gift horse in the mouth.

PILs capable of driving a sensible day early - given heavy traffic & imminent super snow storm - are your extra hands you need to help you & your DH get everything organised.

Get on the front foot, ring PILS now ‘ Hurrah you coming early to help us, soooo grateful for your help. I am drawing up a list of essential things for you to do with/without your car OTHERWISE you’ll be in my way.’

They either turn up early & really help/come along as planned or turn up & be useless.

That could be a smart approach

@RidingMyBike

OP we discovered a few years ago that there is NO TRAFFIC on Xmas Day. It's honestly the best day to travel as roads so much faster. The big service stations still have to be open. You could suggest that?

I think they don't want to miss out on any of the Christmas fun. They always have proper FOMO.

OMG I hadn't thought about that. yes - they will have to stay with you if any of the fuckers gets covid.

Abort Mission OP.

Agree with PP - you need to get a positive LFT on 22, then order a PCR to be delivered, by the time it's all done. Christmas will be over.

@happychristmasbum

OMG I hadn't thought about that. yes - they will have to stay with you if any of the fuckers gets covid.

Abort Mission OP.

Agree with PP - you need to get a positive LFT on 22, then order a PCR to be delivered, by the time it's all done. Christmas will be over.

Maybe I will engineer this misfortune on Tuesday. I'll keep you all posted

No, don’t pretend to have covid!
Who knows when you will have a chance to get together again?
Let them come, give them jobs: trifle to make, veg to prep, entertaining the kids. Then takeaway supper, tv and a drink, early night. It is only a hassle if you let it be. Put them in charge of making drinks etc.

It is done now but after they have gone then you really need to re-evaluate things! Start being more assertive and less of a people pleaser.

Your not so dear Husband is quite frankly an arse. Lots of lists for him, and delegate that he is to parent his child,! He can’t sit and reeelllllax.

I always have a house full to busting over Christmas but a whole week of it with an arse of a partner would break me.

We have rules - all visitors have to be the "mucking in" type, the workload and child management is shared, everybody needs a bit of time out in a crowded house and DH and I both enjoy it (and I do not sleep on the floor).

As others have said - you have a DH problem. How much work will he actually do even if you tell him its down to him?

Its not an accident that Divorce Day is the first Monday in January every year. Christmas is a stressful time for many families. If the cracks are there they can break at this time of year.

There are some assertiveness courses free online and some targeted at women. Its worth a look, they may help. They won't change DH but they might help you with boundaries including whether you can face this behaviour for another 40 years.

What stops them traveling first thing on the 25th? I had friends who have done this for years as the roads are really quiet then.

Honestly, I would wait until they've sat down with a cup of tea and then give them a list of stuff you want doing. If they don't do it, it doesn't get done. Stuff like peeling the veg, wrapping gifts.

This sort of thing happens to me.

Parents used to fly in the day I finished my teaching job and fly back the day I went back (and did bugger all whilst they were here on 'holiday').
My d
DP's family this year - his DM extending her stay a day either side and not happy for time to be less. DP with a 6 hour round trip to pick her up.
DP's sons deciding to accompany her staying for a night before going to their mums.
Routine goes something like...prepare beds, one in for one night, change beds, one in for two nights, change beds, one in for another night....

But I am genuinely ill and awaiting a PCR.

Please say this isn't your recently widowed sister's first Christmas without her late partner. If only for her sake put your foot down. Unless she likes them of course...but they sound appalling.

Who is staying in your bed op? Can you decamp for a spare room and put MIL/FILL on the floor? You need to not make it comfortable for them.

This is crazy.

What happened at the wedding/honeymoon?

Please tell us that you have made an extensive list of jobs for each day to share out the work of making this a good Christmas. Don't expect people to volunteer their help, it will be "we'll just pop to the pub to get out of your way". Tell them exactly what you want them to do, don't expect them to see what needs doing. When they arrive explain what's going to be happening - "I'll leave you to sort your own breakfast and you can find somewhere nice for lunch, but I expect you back for 7 pm so we can have a lovely supper together'. On last night tell them all to strip their beds! Firm but fair. Next year -DON'T.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Who is staying in your bed op? Can you decamp for a spare room and put MIL/FILL on the floor? You need to not make it comfortable for them.

This is crazy.

What happened at the wedding/honeymoon?

Sister and brother in law in our bed as they are not fit for the floor

@DuckBrownDuck

Please say this isn't your recently widowed sister's first Christmas without her late partner. If only for her sake put your foot down. Unless she likes them of course...but they sound appalling.

They are appalling. It is her first Christmas alone so I think will be hard. She agrees and finds them difficult. She's coming ahead of them all. I wonder if that's what's caused the sudden decision for them to invade sooner.

@C8H10N4O2

I always have a house full to busting over Christmas but a whole week of it with an arse of a partner would break me.

We have rules - all visitors have to be the "mucking in" type, the workload and child management is shared, everybody needs a bit of time out in a crowded house and DH and I both enjoy it (and I do not sleep on the floor).

As others have said - you have a DH problem. How much work will he actually do even if you tell him its down to him?

Its not an accident that Divorce Day is the first Monday in January every year. Christmas is a stressful time for many families. If the cracks are there they can break at this time of year.

There are some assertiveness courses free online and some targeted at women. Its worth a look, they may help. They won't change DH but they might help you with boundaries including whether you can face this behaviour for another 40 years.

What stops them traveling first thing on the 25th? I had friends who have done this for years as the roads are really quiet then.

I need to ask if they can travel in the morning of Christmas Eve. Somehow I'll be made to be the rude one I think.

My parents do this too - all the time, not just at Christmas - and it’s got particularly bad since we started WFH a lot more. Visiting for the weekend - ‘we’ll arrive at lunchtime on Thursday and leave at lunchtime on Monday to beat the traffic’. Ok but you were invited for the weekend and I’m working on Thursday, Friday and Monday.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Who is staying in your bed op? Can you decamp for a spare room and put MIL/FILL on the floor? You need to not make it comfortable for them.

This is crazy.

What happened at the wedding/honeymoon?

I can't give too many details or it will be revealing to my identity. Just lots of things changed without my knowledge so MIL truly put her horrific 'stamp' on it all. Also honeymoon was invaded by everyone.

@Chasingaftermidnight

My parents do this too - all the time, not just at Christmas - and it’s got particularly bad since we started WFH a lot more. Visiting for the weekend - ‘we’ll arrive at lunchtime on Thursday and leave at lunchtime on Monday to beat the traffic’. Ok but you were invited for the weekend and I’m working on Thursday, Friday and Monday.

I think this is just the thing. People don't understand I'm busy and don't love hosting all the time. It's not a privilege to be in their company- I actively hate it most of the time !

@FangsForTheMemory

Honestly, I would wait until they've sat down with a cup of tea and then give them a list of stuff you want doing. If they don't do it, it doesn't get done. Stuff like peeling the veg, wrapping gifts.

Good plan with the delegating

Where is your anger OP?

You have a FOUR month old baby, who I assume wakes in the night and you are sleeping on the floor!

I bet your arse of a MIL is sleeping in a bed?

Ah, @Magnoliasstreet, here’s the rub…all the essential tasks are the ones that take them away from you, get them working for your benefit. Maybe you give them home based chores so that they don’t sneak off down the pub 😉!

This would give you much needed time to get out & about (lockdown permitting) to do something entirely for yourself before the onslaught of hosting Christmas. It really is a pain that lockdown might wipe out the chance of you having a pamper hour & nice lunch….

Obviously, DH has his own set of tasks to do as well.

You may be gracious enough to order in a take-away as a TY dinner for their much needed work.

@REignbow

Where is your anger OP?

You have a FOUR month old baby, who I assume wakes in the night and you are sleeping on the floor!

I bet your arse of a MIL is sleeping in a bed?

Yep baby is awake all hours. I just don't sleep anymore! Toddler and baby life is not for sleep lovers

Peeling veg is a great one for PiLs & children.

Likewise running the hoover throughout the house, making up guest beds, getting spare crockery & cutlery out for a wash & dry, blitz cleaning the bathroom, putting out loo rolls & bars of soap, polishing mirrors through the house, some light dusting, giving the front door a wipe & polish.

Clearing out the fridge & freezer, getting ice cubes sorted out, making sure enough drink & mixers are laid out indoors & stashed outside to keep them cool

Not to mention writing up the breakfast making/veg prep/washing up/tidy up/taking rubbish out rota for each day.

Have them all work to your benefit.

its all very well advising OP to get the ILs helping with christmas prep but in my experience this never works well. They never know where stuff is, or how to do even the most basic stuff and basically get in your way while you try and do other stuff (making you less efficient) and then you have to redo what they supposedly did 'to help'. The only exception would be of they go out with a stict shopping list or take DCs out of the house.

Honestly if there's no way of avoiding them coming I's be telling them you are too busy to host, they will have to make up their own bed and fix their own food.