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AIBU?

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Original poster

BF going to the same restaurant as me

184 replies

DLDITN · 19/12/2021 14:23

I’ve booked a table in a restaurant for a catch up with my mum tonight.

My BF is going out with his friends and has told me that he’s booked a table at the same restaurant.

Am I overreacting to think this is a bit odd. I don’t want to be a part of his man’s night out and especially not when I’m trying to have a quiet conversation with my mother.

OP posts:
Gretaburley · 19/12/2021 15:05

I would dump his sorry ass.
That is shocking behaviour.

limitedperiodonly · 19/12/2021 15:08

She's dead but I know my mum would be asking why I was with this man. So would my dad who's dead too. So why are you with this man @DLDITN?

TillyTopper · 19/12/2021 15:11

So he an obnoxious friend whom he hangs out with. He seems to be keeping tabs on you. He doesn't trust you. I have to ask what he's adding to your life that is positive, happy and wonderful? May be consider LTB?

Original poster
DLDITN · 19/12/2021 15:12

Also to answer the question about why he told me - if asked him yesterday where he was going and he was evasive about it and said that he was letting one of the friends decide.

I asked him again today and obviously he couldn’t pretend that he didn’t know where he was going.

@limitedperiodonly - he’s never acted like this before. He’s normally pretty not jealous or controlling. This is the first red flag like this.

OP posts:
chris8888 · 19/12/2021 15:13

I would re book somewhere else and not tell him. Tell him the day after that you thought it was odd that is why you rebooked.

AffableApple · 19/12/2021 15:14

This can't be real? Are you 16? Wake up and dump him. This is ludicrous behaviour. How are you tolerating this? Stay safe, this man sounds like a lunatic

Lunde · 19/12/2021 15:15

So he's checking up on you?

Dump

lightisnotwhite · 19/12/2021 15:20

If you rebook he’ll use that at as an excuse to accuse you. Anyway your mum comes first. Please don’t feed his drama.

Tell him that you are going out with your mum and if he and his mates are embarrassing or obnoxious in any way you are dumping his sorry arse.
And mean it.

RedToothBrush · 19/12/2021 15:20

@DLDITN

We live in an area near to major cities. The friends live on the other side of one of the cities so they normally meet in the city. I’m going to a small local restaurant.

I think he has arranged it to see what I’m up to. He asked me yesterday if I had a secret boyfriend.

Run.

It will only get worse.

He will accuse you of ditching the imaginary boyfriend and going with your mum because he told you where he was going.

This is creepy, stalker, controlling behaviour.

He doesn't trust you. The relationship is doomed.

happychristmasbum · 19/12/2021 15:20

Really odd behaviour.

Has he agreed to change the booking?

He can't be that great if one of his close friends is an obnoxious wanker. I would be tempted to dump.

ElfCalavicci · 19/12/2021 15:21

I agree with all the PP saying it is controlling , he is making you bend to what he wants.
You are free to go out for a meal with whom ever you want without been spied on.
If you change the day / time of your booking it's likely that he will see this as you are hidding something from him and either great a huge fuss or turn up at the new time/ date and be a arse

I like PP idea of cancelling his booking rather than yours but it may put the staff in a awkward position and they may end up finding room for him anyway unless the restaurant get packed and genuinely all the tables are booked up.

Are there any other local restaurants that you think he might like can you start raving about it saying neighbours your mum workmates have all said how good it is / scantily clad waitresses, bar staff , big screen tv with sport whatever it takes with it is and see if he takes the bait and goes there instead.
Then at least you get one night out with your mum without him pestering but that is only a very short term solution

The short answer is get rid of him now but I know from experience that it is not always easy.
So bide your time and start making plans , do you live together , who's name is on the rent/ mortgage, can you afford to move out , any DCs , etc.

gsaoej · 19/12/2021 15:22

Can you amend your booking time to avoid him?

He sounds like a weird stalker anyway so perhaps think about that as well as the restaurant.

ViperHalliwell · 19/12/2021 15:25

Kind of reminds me of the episode of Pretty Little Liars where Aria isn't allowed to date Ezra because he was her high school teacher, but her dad spies on her and finds out she has a reservation at a specific restaurant in Philadelphia. He makes a reservation for the same time and place to catch them, but Aria finds out about THAT and shows up with Holden, her childhood BFF who her parents actually WANT her to date.

If you DID have a secret date you obviously wouldn''t follow through with it now that you know your bf is going to be there, so what's the point? You (and possibly your mother) are irritated by the intrusion, and his friends are probably irritated about having to traipse across town unnecessarily.

Is he able to have an honest conversation about what's going on rather than playing games? He seems at least not to be a liar if he admitted to his plans today rather than giving you a different restaurant name and pretending his plans changed at the last minute.

CaveMum · 19/12/2021 15:27

This is extremely controlling behaviour from him. He’s showing you who he is - jealous and controlling, why would you want that for yourself? Move your reservation, you can’t trust him to do the same, and then give serious consideration as to whether you want this kind of hassle in a relationship.

Look up the case of Zoe Dronfield. She was almost murdered by her jealous and controlling boyfriend. She talks about the little red flags early in their relationship which included him turning up unexpectedly at pubs/restaurants where she was meeting friends. She’s now a campaigner on domestic abuse and stalking.

Original poster
DLDITN · 19/12/2021 15:29

I’m nearly 40 and he’s nearly 50 so no we aren’t young unfortunately. Also I’m not a shy and retiring person either and am not afraid to tell him straight. He will be told when I feel a bit calmer that his behaviour is unacceptable. He genuinely seems to think none of this is abnormal.

He has said that he and his friends are rearranging their plans.

I just want to have a nice night out before things get too crazy covid wise and could do without this nonsense.

Thanks everyone for your input - I started to doubt myself for a bit.

OP posts:
Poetrypatty · 19/12/2021 15:32

This is the first red flag like this

Make it the first and last and bin him off. Controlling men come in all age ranges.

Marmelace · 19/12/2021 15:32

I'm sorry but are you so desperate for a man that you will put up with this shit? You are worth so much more than what this tosser is offering.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/12/2021 15:32

He asked me yesterday if I had a secret boyfriend

Erm... I think this is the problem. Not the restaurant booking.

Marmelace · 19/12/2021 15:33

I didn't mean to sound so harsh sorry.

lightisnotwhite · 19/12/2021 15:33

Moving the booking is showing him he can get to you. You’re not doing anything wrong.
In fact he needs to reign his twatty mates in ( which is not a good sign in itself) and the onus is on him to safe the relationship.

Then if you dump him it’s because of a definite mistake on his part. He can’t argue that he’s spoilt the night out planned with your mum.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/12/2021 15:36

You need to dump him now. Because he's going to take your reaction as proof that you were going to be having a date with another man.

You're in the position where, whatever happens, you are guilty of cheating in his eyes because he will use all eventualities to 'prove it'.

If the booking has actually been changed, he's going to be hovering round outside watching you through the window. Or waiting by your house for when you get back. Or at home stewing on how you have got away with your betrayal and how he'll have to be more subtle about it next time to catch you in the act.

You must dump him. He'll never believe it isn't because you're fucking somebody else, but the important thing is that you aren't with him anymore. And if his mates are pigs, odds are that he is when he's not with you, too.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 19/12/2021 15:38

Has he met your mother? Perhaps he wants to meet her

HyacynthBucket · 19/12/2021 15:38

He is more or less stalking you. You know this is controlling and will turn coercive. You know what to do!
In the meantime, have a lovely meal out somewhere else with your DM.

pickingdaisies · 19/12/2021 15:39

@Poetrypatty

This is the first red flag like this

Make it the first and last and bin him off. Controlling men come in all age ranges.

This. It all has to start somewhere. I suppose he's given you time to "settle down" and get those independent notions out of your head, but now he's laying down his markers. Up to you how you deal with it, but I'd be binning him.
Clymene · 19/12/2021 15:40

You're in a relationship with a man who asked if you have a secret boyfriend, who has booked a table at the same restaurant as you (presumably hoping to catch you with said secret boyfriend) and who has a good friend who is so obnoxious to waiting staff you don't want to be in the same place as him.

Your boyfriend is a knob, his friend are knobs. You can do better.