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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scales just fell from eyes

132 replies

1potato · 18/12/2021 19:51

So background is my partner and I have 2 kids under 2.5 following 2 dreadful pregnancies, have moved house multiple times recently and are currently renovating. So, stress levels are high.

My partner and I constantly argue about housework. All the time. I feel I have tried everything to balance the scales but no matter what, they never balance. I am always doing the vast majority. Like he doesn't even realise how much there is to do. He's improved and getting there but just somehow doesn't seem able to do the right amount to keep us afloat. I know it isn't an unusual story but but house is ALWAYS a bomb site. I hate living like this. I am pretty sure other people don't live lile this.

Tonight he made a comment and I feel he revealed his true thoughts about our roles in the relationship. A month ago I walked him through how to change over the kids clothes into the next size up (complex when saving bags for friends, saving for littler one etc). I have obviously done this multiple times. He was pleased and ordered some name tags for drawers 'trousers', 'vests' etc. Anyway tonight he just said 'the kids drawers are only organised thanks to me.' I am absolutely flabbergasted by the arrogance and feel ready to walk away.

YABU - calm down. You will get through this.

YANBU - He is lazy and arrogant and that's not going to change.

OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 18/12/2021 19:52

Oh he would not have got away with that with me!! Did you set him straight?

cansu · 18/12/2021 19:56

I would have just laughed.

Mohbie · 18/12/2021 19:57

He is being a dick. Could he pay for a cleaner for his 50% if he doesn’t want to pull his weight?

Original poster
1potato · 18/12/2021 19:59

I usually don't hesitate setting him straight, even though it means we're living in low level warfare all the time. But this time I just couldn't believe it. I laughed. And then laughed some more. And then just about stopped myself from saying 'it's over' and instead said 'we will speak later'. Now I'm waiting for him to come downstairs from putting the toddler to bed so we can talk. But I feel done. As I say, it felt like his true feelings were suddenly revealed.

OP posts:
crystal1717 · 18/12/2021 20:19

Dont throw it all away over this.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 18/12/2021 20:22

Actually I think OP is perfectly entitled to choose not to live like this.

georgarina · 18/12/2021 20:23

Tell him exactly how you feel and why, and then make your decision

Original poster
1potato · 18/12/2021 20:24

We have a cleaner who comes every 2 weeks. She's great but barely touches the sides. I'm on mat leave so partner essentially pays for it.

I just don't understand how to fix this. It has been years and years of the same with twice weekly blow ups about it.

People keep telling me I'm lucky to have him as he does so much compared to other men they know but at no point did I sign up to be a housewife (no offence intended to those that are, just it is not a role I chose myself).

Please help with sage advice.

OP posts:
NandorTheRelentless · 18/12/2021 20:24

@crystal1717

Dont throw it all away over this.
It's not just this though is it
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 18/12/2021 20:27

@1potato

We have a cleaner who comes every 2 weeks. She's great but barely touches the sides. I'm on mat leave so partner essentially pays for it.

I just don't understand how to fix this. It has been years and years of the same with twice weekly blow ups about it.

People keep telling me I'm lucky to have him as he does so much compared to other men they know but at no point did I sign up to be a housewife (no offence intended to those that are, just it is not a role I chose myself).

Please help with sage advice.

You’ve tried. It’s never going to change. This is who he is and you will have these same issues for years and years and years to come.

Just because lots of women are saddled with/willing to put up with shitty men doesn’t mean you have to as well.

None of the men I’ve had relationships with was like this. My DH isn’t.

LosingTheWill2 · 18/12/2021 20:27

Oh dear! Men really are delusional sometimes 🤦‍♀️

Tillsforthrills · 18/12/2021 20:27

He needs to pay up for the cleaner to come once weekly at least or help more.

LosingTheWill2 · 18/12/2021 20:29

Unfortunately I have no sage advice for you. I would advise some counselling

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2021 20:29

Well I’d be raging.

What I would do when he comes down is say you are so fucked off with being treated like a doormat the relationship is at risk. Is that what he wants??

Then tomorrow draw up a working schedule and split jobs up. And really really try not to do his for him.

And perhaps marriage counselling as a safe space in the NY. You can’t live with on running low level war.

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 20:32

What a dick.

I’m guessing you’ve posted here as a last resort.

It would stick in my craw to give this twat a ready made home and family that he does barely anything for.

ftw163532 · 18/12/2021 20:33

Well, you can't fix this.

If other people think you're "lucky" for being treated like his servant then the problem is their bar being set too low, not you being "ungrateful" .

Heruka · 18/12/2021 20:33

I can understand how angry you feel but it seems not a good time to be making decisions about your long term future. Sounds like you are in the thick of it kid wise as well as all the other stresses. There is a great book ‘how not to hate your husband after kids’. DH got me it as a joke but we both read and enjoyed, lots of helpful advice. Well done to have restrained yourself from saying it’s over in that moment. Only you know if that’s the stage you are at but it sounds worth trying to explain to him how the comment made you feel and why.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2021 20:37

You can’t bring up healthy well adjusted children in constant low level warfare.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 18/12/2021 20:44

Just wow... I think he'd be buried under the patio after that comment

Blossomtoes · 18/12/2021 20:50

No house in the process of renovation and containing two small children is ever going to be pristine. The renovation is temporary, just let the state of the place go while it’s being done. As long as the kids, kitchen, bathroom and beds are clean, it’s fine.

Once the renovation is done I’d be asking him to increase the frequency of the cleaner. Does it really matter if he does his share or subcontracts it as long as you’re not doing it? Nobody can thrive in low level warfare.

Original poster
1potato · 18/12/2021 20:54

I agree with this comment about children fully. Last week I said we need to put in place a golden rule that we don't argue in front of the kids. We've broke that twice already. I feel so disappointed by what we're both turning into.

I also agree with counselling and have suggested it a couple of times. He isn't keen as I think he think it means we're at the end.

I also want to say I get super confused with how to handle this. I don't want to say to him it is the end unless he changes as that just seems abusive to me? He is a kind but anxious soul and this would really upset him. Then again, I don't have a strong history of knowing how to set boundaries so again, advice appreciated here.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2021 20:56

He will never change and that's a guarantee, like death and taxes. You just have to decide if you want to live this way.

Benjispruce5 · 18/12/2021 20:56

Is this a joke? What a non problem. Bei mg walked through changing clothes to next size? I had to read it twice. What are you talked about?

LethargicActress · 18/12/2021 21:00

Like you said, you’re both under a huge amount of stress and pressure.

You’re renovating a house with two very small children in it. It’s going to be messy. Are you sure he’s really that bad, and it’s isn’t just that you have unrealistic expectations of what this stage of life should look like?

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 21:02

@Benjispruce5

Is this a joke? What a non problem. Bei mg walked through changing clothes to next size? I had to read it twice. What are you talked about?
But that’s the point. He has to be taken through basic shit and then thinks he does it all, the dick.
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