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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scales just fell from eyes

132 replies

1potato · 18/12/2021 19:51

So background is my partner and I have 2 kids under 2.5 following 2 dreadful pregnancies, have moved house multiple times recently and are currently renovating. So, stress levels are high.

My partner and I constantly argue about housework. All the time. I feel I have tried everything to balance the scales but no matter what, they never balance. I am always doing the vast majority. Like he doesn't even realise how much there is to do. He's improved and getting there but just somehow doesn't seem able to do the right amount to keep us afloat. I know it isn't an unusual story but but house is ALWAYS a bomb site. I hate living like this. I am pretty sure other people don't live lile this.

Tonight he made a comment and I feel he revealed his true thoughts about our roles in the relationship. A month ago I walked him through how to change over the kids clothes into the next size up (complex when saving bags for friends, saving for littler one etc). I have obviously done this multiple times. He was pleased and ordered some name tags for drawers 'trousers', 'vests' etc. Anyway tonight he just said 'the kids drawers are only organised thanks to me.' I am absolutely flabbergasted by the arrogance and feel ready to walk away.

YABU - calm down. You will get through this.

YANBU - He is lazy and arrogant and that's not going to change.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 18/12/2021 23:55

I am pleased for you that you have managed to have a calm conversation with him and both take a step forwards.

Seriously, I think most parents find life trying when they have babies even without all the house moving chaos you have thrown into the mix.
Yes, there have been plenty of times in my marriage where I would loved to have walk out the door, and I presume dh the same, but I think you have to realise that sleep deprivation puts everyone under stress. (This is why it is used as a torture).
I am very glad we took a deep breath and worked through the issues when we didn't agree. I believe strongly in marriage vows. Not in a sanctimonious way - I know there are very good reasons to leave some marriages - but this isn't one of them. This is tiredness...exhaustion even. This is you both at one of the low points of what can be a long and happy marriage. No marriage is ever a garden of roses, everyone goes through patches where you have to work at it.

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2021 23:55

@MeanMrMustardSeed

*Why bother ‘walking him through sorting out clothes’?! Just do it yourself and get him to do something else that requires less explaining. Surely?*

I think this.

Yes. Do it yourself and get him to do something else that needs doing.
Cyberattack · 18/12/2021 23:58

I think maybe you are taking all of this too seriously e.g. walking him through the changeover in size. This sounds like some sort of OCD on your part.
I think you really need to relax. You're obviously stressed out and tired. This row is not worth ending a marriage over.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2021 00:00

Maternity leave is generally 6 months to a year.

Yes, the focus should be on the child/ren but they don't need micromanaging all day so there is time for the person at home to do some of the domestic tasks once they're past the tiny baby stage

When the other parent returns home in the evenings and at weekends then all should be shared.

madisonbridges · 19/12/2021 00:20

It was his comment this evening that seemed to take credit for it all because he added name tags.

You asked him to do a job and showed him how you liked it to be done. He then, to his mind, improved the situation with labels. He now feels like he owns this task. He said it was organised because of him. There were 2 ways for you to go.
a) be glad he's now in charge and just say way to go, cross it off your jobs list and never think if it again; or
b) call him a knob and say you do all the work and his contribution is paltry (at least that's how he will have heard it. )
As frustrating as it might be to have him claim credit for your system, wouldn't the first option just have been easier in the long run? And wouldn't his feeling of accomplishment have made him more willing to take on more. If I was being encouraged to do more and was given the (b) response, you wouldn't need to threaten to leave because I'd have already packed your bags! I'm joking but I would find it demotivating.

I know posters on here will disagree with me because they believe that men should automatically do half the work and it's not up to women to praise them for doing their share. In theory I agree. But in practice if your aim is to get your partner to do 50% of the work, does it matter how much you have to bite your lip or smile encouragingly to get them to that point. Keep your eye on the long game.

Viviennemary · 19/12/2021 00:26

You are at home. He is at work. Of course the person at home does most of the housework. Get rid of clutter. Pare things down to the minimum even if it means putting stuff into storage.

Chachasha · 19/12/2021 01:02

I can't even.

diddl · 19/12/2021 08:07

I thought the "now being organised" might just refer to labels!

I know that it's not just about the clothes, but can't you sort as you go along?

So as soon as it doesn't fit it gets sorted into the appropriate box?

Or maybe that's what you're doing & I've misunderstood?

Depending on your situation, if people want clothes back, don't accept them as it makes more work?

Does he take both kids out/look after them both at all so that you can either rest or do a spot of uninterrupted housework if you want?

notanothertakeaway · 19/12/2021 08:19

I struggle to understand how a simple job like sorting some clothes is regarded as complex, requiring a system / walk through

Sometimes, if you are very particular about how things are done, then it's best to do it yourself. My DH doesn't stack dishwasher like I would, so I bite my tongue. I like towels folded in a certain way, so I do it myself. Wouldn't dream of teaching/ explaining how it must be done

Aderyn21 · 19/12/2021 08:26

NannyOgg I think that small children do need micromanaging. They are easily bored, don't always sleep at night or nap during the day, cannot he left unsupervised at all etc. And the OP has two of them!
Some parents may have time to do more house things but some won't.

I really disagree with the notion that sah because you are on maternity leave should automatically equal doing more on the house - it very much depends on what is going on with the children, how tired the mother is.

Benjispruce5 · 19/12/2021 08:48

I was a sahm for a few years. I did all housework and chores were shared when DH got home. When I went to work chores were allocated equally. It works.Children nap, are happy with pots and pans on the floor while you sort the washing etc. there are playpens and slings. Life must go on.

CalmDownBoris72 · 19/12/2021 08:51

My house is the same if it’s any consolation. Kids, stress, business and my complete untidiness (sone I was a toddler) just make it worse.

I worked on the husband side of things and he gets it now, 15 years later. The pressure and stress does make things much harder.

ittakes2 · 19/12/2021 09:08

OP - I think since you are harbouring these feelings ' I've found that when I go on mat leave I slip into this weird hinterland of taking care of the house I'm between the childcare as I am there but also massively resenting doing that because it's not what I signed up to'
You need to deal with this as this is motivating your arguments with him.
A very simply solution is you get more cleaning help - and if you have to get a part-time weekend job where he looks after the kids so you can pay for the cleaner (or aupair if you have the room) it might be worth considering to save your marriage. This bit you are in is the trickiest bit and lots of marriages faulter at this point but you have to be creative and open to new ideas to find solutions.
We had similar when our twins were that age and my husband pointed out that rather than him clean for a few hours a week when he was exhausted after work that considering he earnt more than a cleaner per hour, it made more sense for him to work and pay for a cleaner so we did that. And I still have a cleaner

Phineyj · 19/12/2021 09:38

I think the marriage guidance is a good idea as it helps to talk things over with a neutral 3rd party - we used to find it was also helpful as it forced us to book a babysitter once a week. Although I think it's on Zoom now sadly.

Aderyn21 · 19/12/2021 09:55

I'd resent my husband more if I had to work on maternity leave at the weekend to pay for a cleaner because my husband didn't help enough. That wouldn't help my marriage

nolongersurprised · 19/12/2021 10:08

It's a little complex as the kids are so close in age

No, it’s not really. You are making it complex.I have 4 DC with 2 sets close in age and sorting out clothes and organising who gets what is really not a big deal.

I do know that when I’ve been busy and stressed out because of a busy life I tend to over focus on things that don’t matter, to give me some sense of control. I get that, but don’t project your overly complicated system in your DH.

Original poster
1potato · 19/12/2021 10:43

Again, thanks for all the super helpful comments.

DP has always been bad at housework. Before kids we had a 3 bedroom house and I used one spare room as an office and he used the other room as his space. We were in the house a year and a half and he never once seemed able to tidy up/sort out his room after we moved in. Stuff was always in boxes and all over the floor. He tried quite a few time but always ended up focusing on the minutiae, like sorting through paperwork for hours, and missing the bigger picture. The room was unusable.

As you can imagine, his mum did and continues to do everything for him. He doesn't have the skillset, hence showing him where clothes go and how to switch them over. It wasn't a massive deal but I preferred to show him rather than him reorganising from scratch.

Since having kids, everything is obviously a lot messier and more chaotic. And somehow more my responsibility...

It bothers me because, let's be frank, why should I make up for his lack of ability, giving less time to myself and my career, which I will return to after mat leave? Also, it's been an ongoing issue in our relationship that he just doesn't seem able to fix.

I agree our standards are different but I promose, despite what posters may think, I'm also pretty chill too. I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking a house that is mostly in order.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 19/12/2021 10:43

@Aderyn21

I'd resent my husband more if I had to work on maternity leave at the weekend to pay for a cleaner because my husband didn't help enough. That wouldn't help my marriage
That isn’t the situation. We have a cleaner who comes every 2 weeks. She's great but barely touches the sides. I'm on mat leave so partner essentially pays for it
TerraNovaTwo · 19/12/2021 10:47

So glad I am single.

Original poster
1potato · 19/12/2021 10:47

And just to be clear, I'm not protective over the clothing system. Him getting involved was following an argument in which I asked him to take more responsibility. It could have been any number of things, such as organising activities for them, researching meal plans, sourcing some new clothes, putting on a nappy wash, doing the laundry, wiping down the sides, hoovering, dishwasher. General household stuff.

Also, just to be clear, I am on mat leave with my youngest. Not my eldest. Hence DP needing to take more responsibility. As we are 50% responsible for the eldest. Or should be.

OP posts:
Original poster
1potato · 19/12/2021 10:49

Also wanted to say that it is so interesting to see how divided opinions are. I think this is why my head is so messed up with it. I am at once subconsciously focused on being the 'manager' of the household and also consciously aware that I don't want that and will not have it. Societal pressure. Feminist leanings. Etc.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/12/2021 10:55

@Aderyn21

NannyOgg I think that small children do need micromanaging. They are easily bored, don't always sleep at night or nap during the day, cannot he left unsupervised at all etc. And the OP has two of them! Some parents may have time to do more house things but some won't.

I really disagree with the notion that sah because you are on maternity leave should automatically equal doing more on the house - it very much depends on what is going on with the children, how tired the mother is.

Sorry, disagree

Children need to be supervised, but they also need to play on their own for short periods.

It's a useful skill. Obviously with two, the likelihood of that happening at the same time...

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2021 10:58

@1potato

And just to be clear, I'm not protective over the clothing system. Him getting involved was following an argument in which I asked him to take more responsibility. It could have been any number of things, such as organising activities for them, researching meal plans, sourcing some new clothes, putting on a nappy wash, doing the laundry, wiping down the sides, hoovering, dishwasher. General household stuff.

Also, just to be clear, I am on mat leave with my youngest. Not my eldest. Hence DP needing to take more responsibility. As we are 50% responsible for the eldest. Or should be.

When you're both there, absolutely.
WasgijGods · 19/12/2021 10:59

If your cleaner barely touches the sides then you need to a) get a new cleaner b) get her every week instead of fortnight c) pay for more hours

Either way, you need to lower your standards.

thirdfiddle · 19/12/2021 11:00

The thing that made the most difference for us was DH agreeing to take on the thinking for laundry. As in not that I won't put on a load or hang it up if needed, but he asks me to, I don't ask him to. We talked about it and that was the solution we came up with. It made a big difference to things feeling equal when kids were small and demanding.