Scales just fell from eyes

[1potato]

So background is my partner and I have 2 kids under 2.5 following 2 dreadful pregnancies, have moved house multiple times recently and are currently renovating. So, stress levels are high.

My partner and I constantly argue about housework. All the time. I feel I have tried everything to balance the scales but no matter what, they never balance. I am always doing the vast majority. Like he doesn't even realise how much there is to do. He's improved and getting there but just somehow doesn't seem able to do the right amount to keep us afloat. I know it isn't an unusual story but but house is ALWAYS a bomb site. I hate living like this. I am pretty sure other people don't live lile this.

Tonight he made a comment and I feel he revealed his true thoughts about our roles in the relationship. A month ago I walked him through how to change over the kids clothes into the next size up (complex when saving bags for friends, saving for littler one etc). I have obviously done this multiple times. He was pleased and ordered some name tags for drawers 'trousers', 'vests' etc. Anyway tonight he just said 'the kids drawers are only organised thanks to me.' I am absolutely flabbergasted by the arrogance and feel ready to walk away.

YABU - calm down. You will get through this.

YANBU - He is lazy and arrogant and that's not going to change.

I had 2 children under 2 and I literally don't know what you are talking about or why it requires name tags, arguments or a thread on mumsnet.

Literally I'm baffled as to what the argument is.

I don’t really understand why either of you think it is a complicated job to sort out some clothes.

Surely if you've set-up a complicated system of sorting out your children's outgrown clothes, you should take care of that task?

It's a non event really anyway, not all clothes become outgrown at the same time - if you notice something too small or whatever, surely after laundering - for older child you put it away for younger child, for younger child, straight into a bag for charity shop or passing on. Re-stock their clothes twice a year. Job done.

Is it that your DH does nothing at all or is it that you feel he doesn't do things your way, or are you someone who likes everything perfectly tidy and he has lower standards?

I think, given you are in the house more during the day during the week, then it's pretty reasonable that you'd do bits and pieces of housework during those days. Obviously in the evenings and at weekends, it's all hands on the deck.

Maybe you both need to come up with simple routines for housework and do one task each, each day or something. Simple things like keeping kids toys to one room mostly, everyone tidying up after themselves, eating meals/snacks only in the kitchen can really help.

Just came on to balance all the ‘he won’t change’ comments.
I was a SAHM, planned before we had our DC. It was really hard. Much harder then I realised. I can relate to your comments about the mess and lack of help. Because I was at home full time, I did all the night wakings. All the feeds. All the nappy changes. With 2 little ones everything else fell by the wayside. My house was so messy. For the first time. I hated the mess. I tried so hard to keep on top of it and I was exhausted. I asked him to ‘help’ so many times and was at the point where I wanted to leave.
But I didn’t really want to leave. I wanted us all to be together but I needed my life to be easier. So I started with small steps. Getting him to take one at bedtime worked really well. He took the older and easier child (obviously) but it still helped. I told him to take the lead at the weekend. That was my time. He got up with the DC. He made their breakfast. He could do that without too much difficulty. I carved out ‘jobs’ he could take. At first it was a shitshow. He didn’t know where anything went. He didn’t know what worked with the DC. He found it really hard. But over time he gained confidence. It got easier. He took on more.
Now it’s much better. We divide and conquer together. We share the pain. Now when the house is a mess it’s because we both were doing other things. And neither of us mind so much. I have more time. The children respond to him better and he feels more engaged.
The DC are older now and I have some time during the day when the youngest is at nursery.
It was hard and it took a while, but we got there with slow steps. Small achievements. It’s better for all of us.
I know some people will criticise my approach. I shouldn’t have to ask for ‘help’. He should see that I’m struggling and do his fair share etc. The reality is by breaking the problem down into small pieces and both being willing to adjust our expectations, it worked.

Sorry if you’re going to make ridiculously over complex systems for everything then it’s on you to deal with it. It sounds like you might have some obsessiveness about how things are done, a bit of a controlling nature, and you might need to just work on chilling and caring a bit less.

What was he like before you had children @NewbieAlert?

A man who’s house proud or at least house trained doesn’t tend to find it hard to incorporate the basic care needs of a baby, even two.

Did you marry him knowing he was lazy and incompetent?

I’m glad things have improved for you but life is easier if you saddle your horse to a fully formed adult in the first place then you don’t have to spend time showing them how to take care of a home or a child. I’d struggle to find a man attractive if he didn’t care to know how to wash clothes, tidy or cook.

You were patronising to your dh, he pays for a cleaver , you are home while he works so you should be doing the vast majority of the housework.
And yes I get you have two young children at , home. I have been there with five children under the age of four and still did everything I was physically able to in the home. It is your role at least until you go back to work.

Today 21:34 Dillydilly01

Is it that your DH does nothing at all or is it that you feel he doesn't do things your way, or are you someone who likes everything perfectly tidy and he has lower standards?

This ^^

@Kite22

No house in the process of renovation and containing two small children is ever going to be pristine. The renovation is temporary, just let the state of the place go while it’s being done. As long as the kids, kitchen, bathroom and beds are clean, it’s fine.

This ^

and re-read what you put in your OP.....
.......my partner and I have 2 kids under 2.5 following 2 dreadful pregnancies, have moved house multiple times recently and are currently renovating. So, stress levels are high.

I didn't move house once, let alone 'several times' when I had 2 x small dc under 2.5
I didn't live in the middle of renovations
dh and I did argue though - because we were both exhausted, and it can be relentless trying to work and look after small dc (obviously even more so if they aren't sleeping).

Breath.
Count to 10
Cut each other some slack.
Try and laugh together.
Let your standards drop in terms of what you 'expect' to get done (the whole thing you said about clothes sounds a bit anal to me, if I understood it right).
Of course it isn't good to be arguing, but then it isn't easy divorcing and affording two homes and sorting out shared parenting between two households either.

Look at the bigger picture.

I agree with every word of this.

I get that it is annoying to be the one doing most of the housework. He was a dick for saying what he did but it strikes me that you are both bristling at what the other is saying.

We had 3 children under 5, two jobs (I had only 12 weeks maternity leave) and a tiny house - it was not an easy time all the time. The best thing I ever did was deciding to presume the best of dh. To remember I married him because I thought he was a decent kind guy (he was) and he probably wasn't trying to annoy me on purpose when he said something. I cut him a lot of slack. He always cut me a lot of slack.

He is a kind but anxious soul

Not how he seems from your OP @1potato , more like lazy and narcissistic creature.

I don't have a strong history of knowing how to set boundaries so again, advice appreciated here.

I think you know what you want to say, but you somehow think it'll be abusive. Is there someone abusive in your past that you fear imitating?

I don't want to say to him it is the end unless he changes as that just seems abusive to me?

It's not abusive to say what your boundaries and dealbreakers are. As long as you're genuine, not using it as a manipulative tool.

From what I gather, you're on mat leave and you have a cleaner. Your partner works full time?

I guess both kids are at home, full time, no nursery?

Tbh, it was a twattish comment but honestly, it depends on the bugger picture. Two under 3 would try any relationship.

@5zeds

I think you sound quite rude to him to be honest. If the house is messy and neither of you are getting it sorted buy in more help. The clothes thin* is utterly ridiculous. If you want to introduce weird systems then of course explaining them is going to be difficult. How long can it honestly take to organise clothes ?

It’s hardly weird to have a box of clothes labelled boys 1-2yo summer.

With everything you have to do, faffing about with organising drawers is lowest priority.

You are a stay at home mum with a cleaner. Your house is not a bomb site. Lower your standards and unclench not everyone loves labelling kids clothes….

If you are on maternity leave then of course most of the housework is going to be your job.

Have you started a thread before?
You remind me of a poster who started a thread a couple of months ago.

OK just to be clear about the clothes (or maybe making myself sound more insane). I'm a big believer in passing on clothes. Some clothes have been lent to us so need to be boxed up ready to return. Some are OK to be boxed up ready for the smaller child to use in a few months. Some just need to be thrown away. It's a little complex as the kids are so close in age. And I agree that doing it this way has made things annoying but there we go.

But the issue wasn't spending 10 mins showing my partner in the hopes that he would also take some responsibility, It was his comment this evening that seemed to take credit for it all because he added name tags.

But obviously this is all illustrative of bigger issues around housework rather than a standalone issue, as I have explained.

Will come back to the many helpful comments as soon as I have a second. Thank you.

It has been years and years of the same

So why do you put up with and why did you choose to have two children, close together, when you already knew your DH wasn't doing his fair share?

Not the point but never ever borrow clothes. Worrying about keeping them clean then having to return them into worth the hassle. Buy second hand off eBay or from charity shops, sell on or give back.

Your life sounds stressful enough without adding to your load.

Did you have a thread about the changing of the clothes size business before? Sounds familiar.

It falls under 'creating work' to me. Stop making life harder for yourself.

Was you over complicating a simple task and he simplified it? My boss can sometimes be like this, the easiest of tasks is made out to be bigger than it needs to be, does my head in sometimes. Although she is fabulous, it can be frustrating sometimes and she would definitely take offence if something was said.

You do sound OTT about the clothes organisation ... just because you are a big believer in passing in clothes doesn't mean your DH has to be as well ... and surely by the time you've explained that the blue T shirt has to be returned to friend A, the red T shirt is being saved for younger sibling and the green T shirt is going to the charity shop (etc etc) it could be done yourself .

@AnneLovesGilbert before children he was awesome! But then we both worked full time. We left the house at 7am and returned at 6pm and it looked exactly the same.
When our first DC came along I was a SAHM and everything fell to me. I actually agreed to this because I had no idea what was to come. I appreciate with experience that was naive.
I kept on top of it with one DC. It wasn’t until our second came along that I realised I couldn’t do it all.

Tbf he isn’t lazy or incompetent. He just didn’t appreciate what being at home with DC was like, because he had never done it. Neither had I, hence why I agreed to be a SAHM

"I'm a big believer in passing on clothes. Some clothes have been lent to us so need to be boxed up ready to return. Some are OK to be boxed up ready for the smaller child to use in a few months. Some just need to be thrown away. It's a little complex as the kids are so close in age. And I agree that doing it this way has made things annoying but there we go"

• I wouldn't say your children are particularly close in age so I don't see that as a qualifier for things being 'complex' (mine are 22 months apart and not considered particularly close in age)

• I don't know anybody who lends baby or toddler clothes and expects them back, this seems weird. Why have you overcomplicated your lives with this? Just say no if someone offers you clothes you will have to return in 3 years.

• Just because you're a big believer in passing on clothes (I am, too, but I've never been involved in then asking for them back, your system sounds batshit) doesn't mean your DH has to, ,as well.

• Your DH entered into your mad world and got so invested in it he bought labels and you then used that at a stick to beat him with. God almighty, just stop.