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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scales just fell from eyes

132 replies

1potato · 18/12/2021 19:51

So background is my partner and I have 2 kids under 2.5 following 2 dreadful pregnancies, have moved house multiple times recently and are currently renovating. So, stress levels are high.

My partner and I constantly argue about housework. All the time. I feel I have tried everything to balance the scales but no matter what, they never balance. I am always doing the vast majority. Like he doesn't even realise how much there is to do. He's improved and getting there but just somehow doesn't seem able to do the right amount to keep us afloat. I know it isn't an unusual story but but house is ALWAYS a bomb site. I hate living like this. I am pretty sure other people don't live lile this.

Tonight he made a comment and I feel he revealed his true thoughts about our roles in the relationship. A month ago I walked him through how to change over the kids clothes into the next size up (complex when saving bags for friends, saving for littler one etc). I have obviously done this multiple times. He was pleased and ordered some name tags for drawers 'trousers', 'vests' etc. Anyway tonight he just said 'the kids drawers are only organised thanks to me.' I am absolutely flabbergasted by the arrogance and feel ready to walk away.

YABU - calm down. You will get through this.

YANBU - He is lazy and arrogant and that's not going to change.

OP posts:
nolongersurprised · 19/12/2021 11:01

I am at once subconsciously focused on being the 'manager' of the household and also consciously aware that I don't want that and will not have it

So - don’t. Don’t impose complicated clothes organisation systems in your household. Don’t “walk” your husband how to sort out their clothes. Don’t overthink it.

Tal45 · 19/12/2021 11:08

It sounds like he is happy living in a house that isn't pristine, and even though he's always been like that you now expect him to change. You like things done in a very specific way and don't sound at all chilled - no chilled person would think to walk their OH through moving up their kids clothes to the next age. They'd say take out all the clothes, stick it in a bag and put the new stuff in. To me it's you who sounds incredibly controlling. You want him to do more but you expect him to do it exactly your way. You're also home all day while he's out at work but you're still expecting him to come home and organise the drawers, of course you're going to be doing more at home if you're there and he's not. If you didn't want this why didn't you share the parental leave?

Original poster
1potato · 19/12/2021 11:14

@Tal45

It sounds like he is happy living in a house that isn't pristine, and even though he's always been like that you now expect him to change. You like things done in a very specific way and don't sound at all chilled - no chilled person would think to walk their OH through moving up their kids clothes to the next age. They'd say take out all the clothes, stick it in a bag and put the new stuff in. To me it's you who sounds incredibly controlling. You want him to do more but you expect him to do it exactly your way. You're also home all day while he's out at work but you're still expecting him to come home and organise the drawers, of course you're going to be doing more at home if you're there and he's not. If you didn't want this why didn't you share the parental leave?
We're at the polar opposite of pristine. I'm looking for order. Not pristine.

As well as my reasons listed above for walking him through it, I should say we're incredibly time poor at the moment. Hence the need for doing it quickly. Plus he is clueless. But yes, maybe it would be interesting to know what would have happened if I'd left him to it. Or not...because really it isn't a particularly interesting subject and definitely a red herring in this particular story.

He's wfh not out all day. Which is probably contributing to frustration.

Sharing parental leave was not possible for us.

OP posts:
Badhairday101 · 19/12/2021 11:21

I did leave over something very similar to this but it took a long time. The way he behaved turned me in to somebody I didn’t like and didn’t recognise. I felt like his parent, I ended up nagging him all the time, getting upset and getting angry. It was exhausting and not me at all. He was lazy and that made him totally disrespectful, even though he could see how it impacted me he didn’t care as long as he didn’t have to do anything.
I’m not saying it’s the right thing for you but I am so much happier on my own with my kids now.

beastlyslumber · 19/12/2021 11:28

This is what happens. Before kids, it's all okay - you share the housework, or ignore it equally. It doesn't really matter. Then kids come along and you realise that things have to be in order, the house has to be fairly clean etc, otherwise it's miserable. But he continues on, oblivious, so you end up picking up all the slack. You feel more and more miserable and put upon, whereas he starts thinking, why is she moaning about the housework all the time, she's nagging me over stupid trivial things. He doesn't take any responsibility, because he thinks, she's the one who cares about this stuff, so I'll just let her get on with it. When pushed, he will "help" and congratulate himself for being such a good partner, because he thinks he's doing something completely unnecessary for the sake of his wife. Maybe he pretends he doesn't know how to do things, or even deliberately fucks things up so he doesn't get asked again. Or maybe he does what he's asked to do, but needs constant instruction and oversight. In other words, he doesn't get it. And your world shrinks and shrinks, as you try so hard to keep it all together, and you start losing love and respect for your partner because he doesn't do what you need.

It is miserable, OP. I don't know if it's fixable, but I think the steps you've agreed on (task list, counselling) are positive. Ultimately, you need to be able to trust your partner and feel like a team. If he isn't on your team then what's the point of him? But maybe he needs a chance to figure out what it means to work together.

thatsallineed · 19/12/2021 11:49

Plus he is clueless Look up strategic incompetence.

Anyway, nobody is born with the magical knowledge of how to run a household. We are all equally clueless to start with. We learn how to do it. Being in posession of a penis has not prevented him from learning how to do things. He is choosing to be clueless so that you will get so fed up of him making a shit job of things that you will end up doing them yourself so they get done properly. Don't fall for it.

As for labelling the clothes drawers and keeping them tidy - big deal. Did he buy the clothes in the right size when they were needed? Does he them on and off the kids? Is he teaching your eldest how to dress themselves? Does he wash and dry the clothes? Come to that, did he buy more washing powder and conditioner when he noticed that it was getting low? Did he choose, buy and arrange to have delivered the washing machine and get it plumbed in? Did he arrange for the old one to be taken away?

Labels is easy.

diddl · 19/12/2021 12:33

Clueless about what though?

I do most of the housework/washing etc.

Doesn't mean that my husband can't if he had to.

Looking after kids is a learning curve for anyone, but basically they need to sleep, be fed, clothed & kept clean-the same as adults!

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