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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Scales just fell from eyes

132 replies

1potato · 18/12/2021 19:51

So background is my partner and I have 2 kids under 2.5 following 2 dreadful pregnancies, have moved house multiple times recently and are currently renovating. So, stress levels are high.

My partner and I constantly argue about housework. All the time. I feel I have tried everything to balance the scales but no matter what, they never balance. I am always doing the vast majority. Like he doesn't even realise how much there is to do. He's improved and getting there but just somehow doesn't seem able to do the right amount to keep us afloat. I know it isn't an unusual story but but house is ALWAYS a bomb site. I hate living like this. I am pretty sure other people don't live lile this.

Tonight he made a comment and I feel he revealed his true thoughts about our roles in the relationship. A month ago I walked him through how to change over the kids clothes into the next size up (complex when saving bags for friends, saving for littler one etc). I have obviously done this multiple times. He was pleased and ordered some name tags for drawers 'trousers', 'vests' etc. Anyway tonight he just said 'the kids drawers are only organised thanks to me.' I am absolutely flabbergasted by the arrogance and feel ready to walk away.

YABU - calm down. You will get through this.

YANBU - He is lazy and arrogant and that's not going to change.

OP posts:

bowlingalleyblues · 18/12/2021 21:02

I didn’t vote because while I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be pissed off, I wouldn’t end the relationship at such a stressful time over this. Try talking, try counselling, please listen to his point of view and ask him to listen to you. Go back to work. Then make a decision.

5zeds · 18/12/2021 21:04

I think you sound quite rude to him to be honest. If the house is messy and neither of you are getting it sorted buy in more help. The clothes thin* is utterly ridiculous. If you want to introduce weird systems then of course explaining them is going to be difficult. How long can it honestly take to organise clothes ?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/12/2021 21:04

@Benjispruce5

Is this a joke? What a non problem. Bei mg walked through changing clothes to next size? I had to read it twice. What are you talked about?

That's the whole point, he has to be walked through something simple and suddenly it's 'the drawers are only organised because of me' when the OP does the majority of the rest and it's an absolute piss take.

5zeds · 18/12/2021 21:06

OP seems to think the house is only bearable because of her? I can’t believe anyone would divorce over hand me downs.

Skeumorph · 18/12/2021 21:10

So is he kind and anxious or rude and arrogant?

No you don't have to live like this.

one thing he definitely is, if he thinks that comment is justified - is thick. No it's not down to him is it. I couldn't live with a thicko.

Whitewolf2 · 18/12/2021 21:11

I get why you’re frustrated. Is it mainly the domestic routine driving you crazy? If so I’d keep trying. What would happen if you created some form of chores list? Then divided them up? Would he happily do his share? My husband just ignores mess, it just doesn’t seem to register and he’s not a tidy person, but if I ask him to do things he’s straight there and will do all jobs on his list so that’s now what we do. I wonder if it’s connected to his mum doing absolutely everything for him growing up.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 18/12/2021 21:12

A month ago I walked him through how to change over the kids clothes into the next size up (complex when saving bags for friends, saving for littler one etc).
This makes me think you're creating work. Putting clothes in a bag doesn't need to be complicated.

What jobs does he not see / ignore?

Aderyn21 · 18/12/2021 21:12

Don't threaten to leave unless you really mean it! That's a nuclear option.
Increase the cleaner visits because you need them and also draw up the list of what needs doing and allocate those jobs.
I would revisit whether to stay or go once the renovation is completed and life has calmed down. Doing work on a house and having small kids is massively stressful and it's not the time to do something you can't come back from.
But Yanbu to be absolutely mad right now and to have it out when he gets down from putting the dc to bed. I'd be raging too. He does need to have it spelled out that you are really unhappy and that you don't see a good future unless things change.

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 21:12

@5zeds

OP seems to think the house is only bearable because of her? I can’t believe anyone would divorce over hand me downs.

Ever heard of the last straw?

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Seaoftroubles · 18/12/2021 21:14

Do you both work? If so housework should be a shared effort but making such a fuss over changing the children's clothes up to the next size sounds like an extreme over reaction!

5zeds · 18/12/2021 21:14

If you explained in minute detail how you liked your car cleaned and your DP then cleaned it and added a folder to hold documents in the glove box, would he be unreasonable to say “well the car is only sorted because I did it”?

Benjispruce5 · 18/12/2021 21:14

Sounds like you’ve both bitten off too much at once. You need to sit down and divide up chores according to time available. Then, don’t have any more children or move house for a few years.

TreadLightly3 · 18/12/2021 21:15

Gosh OP this is totally my dilemma too. I feel so taken advantage of for the same reasons and I’m the main breadwinner too. Will be following the post for advice! Good luck to us both xx

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 21:16

@5zeds

This doesn’t even make any sense @5zeds

EwwSprouts · 18/12/2021 21:16

Is this a joke? What a non problem. Bei mg walked through changing clothes to next size? I had to read it twice. What are you talked about?
^^This. Surely you just have one bag for charity shop and one for sibling? He's been tactless and you sound hard work.

madroid · 18/12/2021 21:16

Put together a rota with a fair division of tasks. Do it with dates. Tell him to tick off his jobs (and you do the same), when they're done. He needs to re-train himself.

Give it until the end of the lockdown that is surely coming. If he hasn't stuck to it, then there's your answer.

LunaTheCat · 18/12/2021 21:16

Oh OP I am sorry.
It sounds like a lot on your plate and men can be such a—holes.
Don’t make a big decision about your relationship when you are angry.
If he’s otherwise great and loving then you can work this through!
I find the housework overwhelming too - I think we all do and with 2 kids and renovations it’s hard - very very hard.
Recently I tried something new - I decided that I wound only speak nicely to myself about myself - so when I felt overwhelmed instead of saying to myself that I am hopeless and I should be able to have the house clean, the garden looking good.... all that stuff. I started speaking nicely to myself about how much I do .it has made a huge difference.
You can’t have a good relationship with anybody else whilst you have a bad relationship with yourself.
You sound utterly exhausted - is it worth seeing GP - getting iron and thyroid checked.
Give yourself some slack.
💐

Morred · 18/12/2021 21:17

Call his bluff. Say “yes, you’ve done a fabulous job on the clothes. Thanks. Could you do the meal planning/food shopping next? It’s doing my head in and you could probably sort it so easily.”

Kite22 · 18/12/2021 21:17

No house in the process of renovation and containing two small children is ever going to be pristine. The renovation is temporary, just let the state of the place go while it’s being done. As long as the kids, kitchen, bathroom and beds are clean, it’s fine.

This ^

and re-read what you put in your OP.....
.......my partner and I have 2 kids under 2.5 following 2 dreadful pregnancies, have moved house multiple times recently and are currently renovating. So, stress levels are high.

I didn't move house once, let alone 'several times' when I had 2 x small dc under 2.5
I didn't live in the middle of renovations
dh and I did argue though - because we were both exhausted, and it can be relentless trying to work and look after small dc (obviously even more so if they aren't sleeping).

Breath.
Count to 10
Cut each other some slack.
Try and laugh together.
Let your standards drop in terms of what you 'expect' to get done (the whole thing you said about clothes sounds a bit anal to me, if I understood it right).
Of course it isn't good to be arguing, but then it isn't easy divorcing and affording two homes and sorting out shared parenting between two households either.

Look at the bigger picture.

Momijin · 18/12/2021 21:18

Well I understand that lots of women put up with lazy man children who don't pull their weight. I bloody hate housework but I still do it. I split up with lazy (and abusive and controlling) men because they weren't prepared to pull their weight.

My bf is lovely but I could not live with his standards of housekeeping so unless he changes, I'm never going to live with him.

Having a penis doesn't make them incapable of cleaning and tidying. I was a lazy shit until I had kids and then I had no choice . But i am absolutely never going to pick up after a lazy man child

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/12/2021 21:19

You won't change him. Men think this is womens work which is why I won't live with one.

gemininova · 18/12/2021 21:20

Following with interest as I feel I'm in a similar boat to you... young child and absolutely at the end of my tether with DH

RedHelenB · 18/12/2021 21:20

I think yabu saying its complex moving the kids up a clothes size. Sounds like you're making work for yourself tbh.

Samedaysame · 18/12/2021 21:21

Agree with Benji you talked him through omg you sound crazy. If I was TALKED through something by my DH I would tell him he is my partner not my father. Fgs grow up or maybe somebody needs to talk you through how to have an adult relationship

JSL52 · 18/12/2021 21:21

@Benjispruce5

Is this a joke? What a non problem. Bei mg walked through changing clothes to next size? I had to read it twice. What are you talked about?

Exactly this

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