DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

[Eastie77Returns]

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

I am very sorry to read the accounts of those of you who have suffered sexual abuse and I’m not downplaying the potential risks children face, a close relative is a social worker and I’ve heard some horrific stories, but I do not believe DD is at risk. I realise some think this makes me appear naive, so be it.

It seems a few people haven’t read all my posts: the dad will not be in or hanging around outside DD’s cubicle; he will not be in the pool; he is not driving to the swimming pool or driving her home.

We have known him and his wife since DD was a year old. He is not a dad I’ve recently met or casually befriended at the school gates. The suggestion that be creepily offered to take DD swimming is very unpleasant. The other mum mentioned it first, I followed up with him and he explained the rotation they have in place so I said I’d be happy to join in.

If his objective was to abuse DD I’m guessing the dozens of times she has been to his house on play dates would have presented an easier opportunity than a crowded swimming pool changing village.

DP cannot take her as the lesson clashes with work. He says he has no problem with the dad (“a nice guy”) but thinks it is inappropriate for DD to go alone with a male parent.

I’m getting really sad as well as angry reading this thread. When did this happen that we can’t trust our friends to take our dc anywhere? I couldn’t have lived through my dc younger years like this, distrusting every man I knew, never letting my dc do anything with friends because their dad would be there. It’s so sad.
Yes most abusers are male. But this scenario is simply a dad walking 3 children somewhere and back home. No more than that.
My dc are only teenage but this seems to be so different from even their childhood.

OP, you say your partner knows or has met this man quite a few times, right? Men usually know what other men pretty well. If your partner has concenrs, you should listen. Better to be safe than sorry.

This. My grandfather, who rarely had a bad word to say about anyone, once told me to be wary of men other men didn't like.

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I live in a small village and when my kids started a new club or class you looked to see if there were any other kids from the village there so parents could share lifts. Loads of parents did this. But then I don't go around consumed with the thought that every male in a pedo.

A family member was wary of a male in a different situation being responsible for the kids. Let’s say an after school activity (don’t want to be specific as will be outing). She was told to stop being silly and paranoid. She took her child out of activity. Years later her fears were right and he had abused a number of the kids. Kids didn’t say anything to anyone at the time so abuse continued, only when older a few of them spoke about it. By this time that scum had had access to a number of kids as no one questioned and were too scared to say anything.

Read the book “gift of fear”. Intuition is to be trusted.

If his objective was to abuse DD I’m guessing the dozens of times she has been to his house on play dates would have presented an easier opportunity than a crowded swimming pool changing village.

This. People’s understanding of risk and ability to assess it is massively skewed.

Oh no getting fighty. Because people feel defensive about comments saying paranoid, overprotective / no understanding of risk,

And that is absolutely 100% understandable, natural. Especially on a topic as massively sensitive and sometimes v personal topic of child sexual abuse.

I hope no one gets too upset.

It's AIBU fight club, words on a screen.

And the thread is a situation where the two parents totally disagree, one is in the why risk it camp and the other in situation risk totally massively tiny too tiny to refuse a handy friendly offer to take turns.

It's not about, or shouldn't be, judgement, upset, anger between women posting in response. We have enough judgement from media society about everything, without knocking 7 bells out of each other as well.

Anyway yes always the way esp on AIBU and that's just how it is.

Hope no posters with v personal reasons for views get upset though. Through history of abuse of worst imaginable. Or thinking about it the obviously nowhere near as bad but still unpleasant memories of a childhood with very little freedom for years and years.

Sorry for weird post in middle of gunfight :)

So all the dads that uses to take my sons to rugby / football matches ,sometimes involving overnight sleepovers were all potential child molesters ! What a crazy way of thinking…never ever crossed my mind that there was a weirdo taking my children to their fun,sporting fixtures!
TBH how would families manage if they don’t rely on helping with transport etc …it’s just normal helpful favours that every parent has got involved in , for many years! It’s part of being a Mum/Dad 🤦‍♀️

If this man was offering to share the lifts to brownies, or football, would everyone be crying “no he might abuse her”? It’s no different.

There are people on this thread saying their children are not allowed on play dates, or to afterschool activities, or allowed to be anywhere where there might be men other than their father present, unless their mother is there to chaperone. So I think responses would be similar whether this was swimming or basketweaving club, unfortunately.

DH always makes sure I can come when he offers to take DSD and her friends swimming and he always mentions that it’s both of us going when he speaks to the parents to invite the child. If I couldn’t come at the last minute he would change the activity. It’s sad that he has to do it but it’s covering his own back as much as anything else.

@Eastie77Returns

I am very sorry to read the accounts of those of you who have suffered sexual abuse and I’m not downplaying the potential risks children face, a close relative is a social worker and I’ve heard some horrific stories, but I do not believe DD is at risk. I realise some think this makes me appear naive, so be it.

It seems a few people haven’t read all my posts: the dad will not be in or hanging around outside DD’s cubicle; he will not be in the pool; he is not driving to the swimming pool or driving her home.

We have known him and his wife since DD was a year old. He is not a dad I’ve recently met or casually befriended at the school gates. The suggestion that be creepily offered to take DD swimming is very unpleasant. The other mum mentioned it first, I followed up with him and he explained the rotation they have in place so I said I’d be happy to join in.

If his objective was to abuse DD I’m guessing the dozens of times she has been to his house on play dates would have presented an easier opportunity than a crowded swimming pool changing village.

DP cannot take her as the lesson clashes with work. He says he has no problem with the dad (“a nice guy”) but thinks it is inappropriate for DD to go alone with a male parent.

Hello OP

I made a suggestion earlier how to proceed.

You need to ask him questions. Uncomfortable with no reasons is too vague.

Ask him what exactly he feels uncomfy about. Get to bottom of it.

I put a load of questions up earlier. But if he says what exactly is worried about happening in practice in this scenario, and why he thinks the friend might be iffy in whatever way. Then ok.

If he's just uncomfy generally because dad is man, then in this situation, with no solid reasons at all, super low risk and bloke know well and he has no reason other than cos man.

Then he's being unreasonable.

IMO.

the dad will not be in or hanging around outside DD’s cubicle

You have only his word for this, though. He says he will sit in the cafe. He says he won’t be anywhere near the cubicles. I think that’s why a lot of PP have largely ignored this.

It is very likely that everything will be fine and he’s a perfectly decent guy just offering help. But the risk remains and there isn’t really anything in place to protect against it - only his word. It’s obviously a level of risk you’re OK with which is your choice as a parent, it’s just important to be aware and not be under the illusion that there are specific protections in place when actually there aren’t.

@Changechangychange

If this man was offering to share the lifts to brownies, or football, would everyone be crying “no he might abuse her”? It’s no different.

There are people on this thread saying their children are not allowed on play dates, or to afterschool activities, or allowed to be anywhere where there might be men other than their father present, unless their mother is there to chaperone. So I think responses would be similar whether this was swimming or basketweaving club, unfortunately.

IF parent has been sexually abused as a child then that is THEIR CALL.

To allow and be terrified, anxious, prob keep thinking about own past.

May have been abused in the situation/s saying no to.

That is no good for ANYONE.

And it is a completely understandable thing to do.

Having some v big specific fears is hardly unusual. And they do result in various things for children.
And this is the most massive fear of all.

It's not on to say poor kids if no playdates just full stop when such a massively sensitive topic.

@Josette77

Op has said the dad is not going in the changing room. Are people ignoring this?

Unless OP is there she has no way of knowing if he will stay in the cafe or go into the changing rooms. Just because that's what is supposed to happen doesn't mean it will. He may be a lovely man with no ill intent, he may not. I wouldn't risk it.

They are Individual lockable cubicles in a mixed sex changing village.

Swimming lesson time area will be busy with mums dads hovering around outside their kids cubicles.

I would imagine he would get 3 near to each other then hover outside to hurry along/ see them all head off for pool. Then sit in cafe enjoy time to self with coffee and reading drivel on internet.

Then head back for same thing when they all head out of pool.

This was pretty much the situation in which I was sexually abused. The dad would manufacture it that the other kids got dropped home and I was in the car alone with him. I wouldn't go along with it. I might be massively OTT but I just couldn't.

You seem more interested defending this man, explaining how well you know him (you don’t), and saying what’s going to happen when you won’t be there so you don’t know, than you do protecting your daughter and taking your own husbands concerns into consideration. A weirdo will make an excuse as to why he had to go in the changing room, you can’t guarantee he don’t.

Your husband is concerned, men can be a danger to young girls, why risk it when presumably you had a plan in place to take your daughter yourself before this was mentioned.

People are very naive. The numbers of children abused is shocking. Don’t take risks.

@Eastie77Returns I wasn't abused my a random person my family didn't know. It was the dad of my school friend. His son was in my class and he had a younger sibling at our school too.

Your post about saying the chances are less than zero has worried me about how naive you may be in regard to these types of things

The dad would manufacture it that the other kids got dropped home and I was in the car alone with him.

I’m sorry to hear that.
They won’t be in a car so I can’t think of any way they will be alone.

[quote Outlyingtrout]@Staffy1 “hysterical” nice bit of misogyny and exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about in terms of motive. Are you accusing me of being a paedophile because I have a keen interest in safeguarding my children? Don’t be coy. Say what you mean.[/quote]
Erm…I think it was you accusing me of being a paedophile sympathiser by “questioning motives”. I’m sick of the attitude that anyone who doesn’t always assume the worst of everyone and join in with the witch burning must be a witch themselves.

I really am astounded by the sheer stupidity of so many posters.

Yes, it is a ridiculous idea to send your daughter to swimming with another person. You mention it is a ‘changing village’ and very busy; meaning that a lot of unknown people are about. You are trusting this man and his wife to watch your child for safety reasons when they have their own children to deal with. But then by your own words you don’t really give a shit anyway about your daughter’s safety so maybe she would be in better hands with them.

If you don’t want to ensure your child’s safety yourself then don’t enroll her in swimming lessons. Sheer laziness.

Good grief

Interesting. I don't think I'd be concerned if I knew the other dad BUT my DH takes DS & 2 unrelated to us, female children swimming once a month and they do need help changing..so maybe I'm skewed.

This is all so sad to read. I have a number of male friends (mostly husbands or partners of friends) who I would be fine with taking my children swimming or camping etc.

Yes there is an outside chance they could abuse but surely trusting your gut also means trusting that person if you have no reason to be worried?

I would ask DH to spell out his concerns to you. I really hope no one thinks of my DH this way but i guess they must do.