DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

[Eastie77Returns]

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

have known this man for almost a decade and trust him completely. The chances of anything untoward happening with DD are less than zero

I was totally in agreement with you until this update. What you have said here is very worrying. It shows poor judgement and makes me question your decision.

I really hope no one thinks of my DH this way but i guess they must do.

They probably don’t think he is harmful but they don’t know he is not. Girls and women being safe is more important that your feelings about it. Good men will accept that. Maybe one day if men stop posing such a threat, things will be different. Until then, men will just have to deal with it because we have enough to deal with.

You "trust him completely" Yet your DH clearly doesn't. There is something about him that your DH, who also presumably knows this man well, doesn't trust.
Does your DH not have the right to express that?

My DH is a good man, an ally to women and a teacher. He wouldn't put himself in the position of being in charge of someone else's 8yr old DD unless there was a chaperone around.

I would not like this arrangement either. Just take your daughter yourself.

@LeadMeHome

This is all so sad to read. I have a number of male friends (mostly husbands or partners of friends) who I would be fine with taking my children swimming or camping etc.

Yes there is an outside chance they could abuse but surely trusting your gut also means trusting that person if you have no reason to be worried?

I would ask DH to spell out his concerns to you. I really hope no one thinks of my DH this way but i guess they must do.

Why is it ‘so sad?’

Is anyone traumatised by not being taken swimming/camping with someone else’s dad? No.

There’s no way this child will be harmed in any way by her father deciding he’ll take her swimming at a different time instead of a child from school’s dad taking her.

I've seen the phrase "girls and women" on this thread a few times. Makes it clear it's not "children and women" that we are trying to protect from predators doesn't it? Fits in well with all the send your 7 year old ds into the men's communal changing posts I've read on here.

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with friends taking my child swimming without me there. But it's personal choice, she is old enough to change independently and it's a public area and she's going with friends however if your partner is against this I would respect his wishes .

@Clymene

What is the risk?

He'll drive them, they go swimming, get changed in a cubicle and he drives them home.

Im really hot on safeguarding and nope, not seeing the issue here

I don’t see the issue either. He won’t be alone with the child: there will indeed be 2 “ chaperones” - the other two children in the car and the all the other parents and children who will be using the pool and changing area.

Of course if your husband isn’t happy OP then he can arrange flexible working and all the swimming trips with his DD.

What are your husbands plans if your Dd has a male teacher, sports coach or activity leader at any time during her childhood ?

@Eastie77Returns

rruth I mentioned the length of time as a few people commented that I’m allowing DD to go off with a ‘stranger’.

Interesting that as some have noted, children are most likely to suffer abuse at the hands of a male relative but presumably no one on this thread would have a problem with their DH/Dad/Grandfather taking their DD swimming despite the statistically greater risk.

I thought this. I put I wouldn't like it but yes of course dh, grandparents aunts/uncles could do it.

This wouldn't bother me if he was a stay at home father doing the school run daily.

My only concern is DD getting fed up travelling with the boys weekly, if she is comfortable doing it then imo it's okay.

YANBU and unless your DH has specific concerns that aren't just based on 'but he's a man', he's BU. I would have no problem with this and cannot compute those who don't let their children go anywhere without them in case a man is there.

@Outlyingtrout

Erm…I think it was you accusing me of being a paedophile sympathiser by “questioning motives”. I’m sick of the attitude that anyone who doesn’t always assume the worst of everyone and join in with the witch burning must be a witch themselves.

No. And I clarified that. But for the further avoidance of doubt, I think you are a misogynist and your motive is to protect men’s feelings which in some cases (like this) unfortunately comes at the expense of women and children’s safety.

I’ll ask you again. Are you accusing me of being a paedophile?

Hold on pause back up. This is a general reminder not aimed at those posters or about that argument.

Reminder the OP DH is the one saying no

Just thought because the no way he take her person in the OP is MALE.

So saying in strong terms this is a hard no to him taking her. (in this argument I'm guessing stronger than strong).

It can't be misogny to disagree with HIM.

It's usually in a home with 2 parents man woman. Not always, but usually. Massive generalisation but seems usually true.

The more, or very risk averse, cautious, always looking for possible risk to children one (if there is difference) is usually female.

The less, or much less risk averse, it'll be fine, go for it person (if there is a difference) is usually male.

Posts alluding to women being overly concerned about men in general,
Women saying reasons they take no risks,
Ideas about women being OTT about men and risk, if think fine women too trusting of men etc.

This is about a MAN who said no way.

Nothing to do with women who say yes or no.

Why men say yes or no.

And men and women have similar views on which risks exist.
But I strongly suspect (actually I'm sure) that in general they have pretty different reasons.

Due to loads of stuff.

And imo and IME.

Women and girls understand, learn, are told etc.
About risks that men can pose.
We have radar instincts experiences loads of stuff around it.

Men are often EXTREMELY protective of women/girls in family.
More than women.

They have different reasons.

So the question is why is this man straight no.

As with anyone could be childhood stuff, things happened to his close friends, generally risk averse etc.

IME many, most even men are MORE concerned around certain things than women. In general obv.

Things to do with daughters, men (or boys when DDs puberty age+), sexual offences, and sexual behaviour in general.

Really common to be incredibly concerned.

That's relevant I think.

Women think what they would do and why.

This is about the man's hard no, and the OP thinking eh?

Definitely with your DP

@user9764577436

I really am astounded by the sheer stupidity of so many posters.

Yes, it is a ridiculous idea to send your daughter to swimming with another person. You mention it is a ‘changing village’ and very busy; meaning that a lot of unknown people are about. You are trusting this man and his wife to watch your child for safety reasons when they have their own children to deal with. But then by your own words you don’t really give a shit anyway about your daughter’s safety so maybe she would be in better hands with them.

If you don’t want to ensure your child’s safety yourself then don’t enroll her in swimming lessons. Sheer laziness.

I think this would concern me more as well, not the other dad but that he is basically not going to supervise your 8 year old DD in a busy mixed changing area. The risk from strangers would be higher, with no known adult to keep an eye on her or make sure she is safe. Sorry but this is where you are being unreasonable

I don't leave DD with any other males except DH.

@3isthemagicnumber3

Not in a million years would I let my daughter go in communal changing rooms with someone unfamiliar to her. At the very least I would worry that she would feel uncomfortable, but also would not leave a vulnerable little girl in communal changing rooms with a man I didn’t know well, also, there are other people in the changing room not just this man. You don’t know who is in there at any time and a lone girl would be very vulnerable.

For the live if fuck!READ the OP's posts!!

THERE is NO COMMUNAL CHANGING ROOM!!!

Each child will be in their own cubical.

It's NO different than walking them to school together!!

My first dd was never with anyone but me. Split with her dd at a year old.
Then remarried and had ds's.
Then dd's.
Never with anyone. Except dgps.
Dd was abused by a very close relative.. When I was in the same house + 3 other adults..
Which is apparently more likely than anyone outside of the family.
Will your dd never be going to a play date if that dc has a df op?

I guess that's the judgement you have to make with the people that live under your roof... at least you would hopefully know them a bit better than external people. Your personal experiences, just like anyones, will effect your opinions. But I don't see the point of this extra and fairly obvious risk in this particular situation though, do you?

@Emerald5hamrock

This wouldn't bother me if he was a stay at home father doing the school run daily.

My only concern is DD getting fed up travelling with the boys weekly, if she is comfortable doing it then imo it's okay.

It's a short walk, which she has to do no matter which adult takes her & frankly 'tough luck' if she complains about walking with others.

@CiaoForDiNiaoSaur message for you there!

@Clearbloo

I guess that's the judgement you have to make with the people that live under your roof... at least you would hopefully know them a bit better than external people. Your personal experiences, just like anyones, will effect your opinions. But I don't see the point of this extra and fairly obvious risk in this particular situation though, do you?

What risk?

He's walking her to a swimming lesson, where she will go in her own cubicle to get changed, like ALL the other children!

It's an interesting split of replies "I was sexually abused as a child and I wouldn't be comfortable with this because xyz"

Vs

"What's the harm, you're hysterical, he's going to be in the cafe and anyway you've known him, like, forever! Stop seeing peadophiles behind every sofa!"

I think it's a really sad "if you know, you know" situation 😞