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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

661 replies

Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:08

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 19/12/2021 17:00

@CherryAndAlmond

I wouldn't do it, personally. Most abusers are known to the child (and the parents). I only leave DD with DF, no other males.
Just as an aside the only person to abuse me and my sisters was our father. But i try not to let that cloud my judgement of all men.
Loki01 · 19/12/2021 17:25

[quote Anony1631]@Loki01

“ Can I just say that the absolute majority of people are not peadophiles?”

That’s obvious! But it’s not written on their foreheads is it?[/quote]
No, that is also obvious...

The chances of him being one are statistically low.....

cherish123 · 19/12/2021 17:26

No. I would be quite happy with this arrangement, especially if you know the families.

ElvinBoys · 19/12/2021 17:27

If it is a mixed changing area so she won’t be away elsewhere on her own and doesn’t need any help then I don’t see the problem, however your husband clearly does so regardless of your thoughts it would be unreasonable to disregard his feelings. Sometimes you have to accept that it makes no sense to you, but if he feels that strongly about it then you respect that.

Everythingpissesmeoff · 19/12/2021 17:32

I used to take my children and my friends son to swimming lessons every week. What’s the difference?

100problems · 19/12/2021 17:39

Apologies, I did not see that. In fact, it's an improvement on a single sex changing room in my opinion as it's completely private for each swimmer.

angela99999 · 19/12/2021 17:46

@BraveGoldie

I would be cautious with this, especially when the other two kids are boys. She would have to change all on her own? Or where? It just seems very young, alone, in a swim suit to be without any reliable female figure to be around.
I agree with this. My DDs would have been uncomfortable drying and changing alone, and more uncomfortable with a relatively unknown male. Not sure that in these PC days it is acceptable for a man who is not a father or stepfather to help a female child to dress.
notoldjustpastyoung · 19/12/2021 17:47

mostly half the population are men, so we have to learn they're not all tarred with the same brush. Women are not always innocent either.
With three children in the car I don't see the problem. Why doesn't your husband do one of the trips to the pool.

Snaketime · 19/12/2021 17:47

I really don't see the issue here, he will be driving her to the pool and driving her back. He is effectively a taxi for her there and back along with 2 others in the car.

Smrahc48 · 19/12/2021 17:49

It’s a no from me. I’m not sure how comfortable I would be if I were male helping an 8 year old girl get dressed.

Smrahc48 · 19/12/2021 17:51

Ignore my last post. Didn’t read the context.

Yes. I would be happy if he is just playing chauffeur.

Theworldsgonecrazy · 19/12/2021 17:54

DP says he has nothing against the dad personally but is just uncomfortable with the arrangement

Ask him how he’d feel if someone felt that about him taking them swimming.

saraclara · 19/12/2021 17:55

It's a mixed changing village. There will be other kids' dads standing around. Why is this particular dad making everyone freak out? DD is almost NINE. Since when have nine year olds needed help getting dressed?

He's going to be walking there with the two boys and the DD. He's going to be with other male and female adults in the changing village.

What's your DH's problem again?

saraclara · 19/12/2021 17:58

She would have to change all on her own? Or where? It just seems very young, alone, in a swim suit

@BraveGoldie and @angela99999 do you really think an an almost nine year old is incapable and worried about getting herself dressed? This is infantilisation to extremes.

Checkedshirt · 19/12/2021 17:59

Attitudes like your DPs are what causes issues for a friend of mine.

He is a single dad and has been accused of kidnapping his own daughter when they were out shopping together.

It is pure sexism.

Queenbee77 · 19/12/2021 18:01

wouldn't let anyone tske my children swimming or anywhere else without me unless they had a full disclosure check. End of. Woman can be nasty too!

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 19/12/2021 18:02

She would have to change all on her own? Or where? It just seems very young, alone, in a swim suit

And yet if a Mum posted about taking her same age sons in the female changing room she'd be told they were plenty of enough to be going into the mens alone.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 19/12/2021 18:03

Plenty old enough. Not of enough. fucking autocarrot

Offmyfence · 19/12/2021 18:06

@Checkedshirt

Attitudes like your DPs are what causes issues for a friend of mine.

He is a single dad and has been accused of kidnapping his own daughter when they were out shopping together.

It is pure sexism.

100%
Offmyfence · 19/12/2021 18:09

@Smrahc48

It’s a no from me. I’m not sure how comfortable I would be if I were male helping an 8 year old girl get dressed.
Except that's not what's happening, is it!
saraclara · 19/12/2021 18:10

@Queenbee77

wouldn't let anyone tske my children swimming or anywhere else without me unless they had a full disclosure check. End of. Woman can be nasty too!
Your poor kids. When are you going to let them have any independence from you? Do you not allow them to go on play dates either?
trumpisagit · 19/12/2021 18:11

Your DP is uncomfortable with it.
It doesn't sound like your daughter particularly wants to do this(not close friends).
Also you will worry now. I wouldn't go with this plan.

saraclara · 19/12/2021 18:12

Sometimes I wonder if many of the respondents on here have children at all. The number of people who think that a near nine year old needs dressing by an adult is REALLY worrying.

Livingonthedarkside · 19/12/2021 18:12

To be honest go with your gut if that says your fine then it’s fine.

You could say that your daughter is in the care of a man, but look at the news predators are not always men they are women too.

angela99999 · 19/12/2021 18:13

@saraclara

She would have to change all on her own? Or where? It just seems very young, alone, in a swim suit

@BraveGoldie and @angela99999 do you really think an an almost nine year old is incapable and worried about getting herself dressed? This is infantilisation to extremes.

I didn't say incapable of dressing herself, just uncomfortable. My DD is a foster carer and is supposed to get a proper police disclosure check if she has a boyfriend staying with her. That is obviously extreme, but I don't like the idea of a "strange" man taking a child swimming. Personal view, not something I would do and obviously some others agree with me.
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