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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

661 replies

Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:08

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 19/12/2021 12:51

It staggers me that so many people mention that most abusers are known to the family in order to make a point then conveniently forget to mention that it is just as likely to be a family member who is the abuser.

AmyandPhilipfan · 19/12/2021 13:13

I didn’t use to be a ‘there’s one round every corner’ person but in the past decade the following people I’ve known have been prosecuted for child sexual abuse/viewing child sexual abuse - a close friend of my husband’s, a colleague’s partner, the brother of my nephew’s best friend, a member of staff at my child’s school, a young adult member of my child’s drama group, two boys I went to school with and a man who lives in my street. There are more perverted people (vast majority men) around than you’d like to believe and it might sound awful of me but a dad who suggests adding a girl to the rota of children he needs to transport and supervise at swimming lessons would have me questioning why. It very well could be that he’s just a kind man and has a ‘one more won’t make any difference’ attitude but my own husband would think ‘good God, not another kid, what am I, Mary Poppins?’ and because he thinks like that he’d probably be suspicious of a dad who doesn’t think like that, as would I as most dads I’ve come across are more like my husband in terms of not wanting to supervise other kids, which also might be why your husband is suspicious.

NoNameHere12 · 19/12/2021 13:22

People saying no wonder kids are not independent now a days- you do know that our generation of independents suffered at the hands of many, because of this right?
If only parents cared more back then like they do now, thousands of innocent girls could have been spared the years of torment and stress that ensues into adulthood.

newname12345 · 19/12/2021 13:29

@AmyandPhilipfan If you actually read the thread you will see that "The other mum mentioned it first" not the dad. You would have also read that its a rota, so he might gain an extra kid on his week, but he would have to do the trip a lot less times. Assuming all the kids are friends and are fairly mature for their age, I would definitely take the option of an extra kid one week if it meant I had to hang around the swimming pool cafe less.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 19/12/2021 13:32

I wouldn't like it but that would be more about wanting to keep an eye on my dd in the pool. I witnessed an incident when dd was younger at a swimming pool where a child went under the water and no one noticed until I alerted them!!

Wintersnuggles10 · 19/12/2021 13:39

It depends on the situation. The pool my daughter goes to has an open plan changing room with hooks, no cubicles, so everyone has to get changed in front of each other. There's a male and female changing room, all the mums bring their sons into the female changing room.
My daughter is 7 but I help her to get changed etc, so do all the other parents, so for me it would be a definite no. If she can get changed by herself in a cubicle then yes.
But also I like to go in and spectate at her lessons so I wouldn't really want to go once every 3 weeks anyway tbh

explodingeyes · 19/12/2021 13:44

The level of paranoia on here is frightening at times. She'd be in a group. Changing on her own in very public village type changing rooms. He's not going to see her naked. She's nearly 9. She's able to sort herself out. He's not going to suddenly be spying on her / grooming her as he gives her a lift to the public baths with two of her mates in view of tons of other people.
(Ps Men can and do abuse boys etc too. Women can abuse boys).

explodingeyes · 19/12/2021 13:49

@Clymene

What is the risk? Confused

He'll drive them, they go swimming, get changed in a cubicle and he drives them home.

Im really hot on safeguarding and nope, not seeing the issue here

Me too. I do a safeguarding role for two organisations and this would be deemed ok. It's a short car journey once every 3 weeks. She's not alone with a male adult at any point. Male uncles and grandparents would be riskier. On the basis of the comments on here we need to go back to segregated swimming only and no male spectators at swimming lessons etc
explodingeyes · 19/12/2021 14:00

I'm with other posters on this. All those saying 'no way', does road mean you wouldn't let your children have a play date with a friend when only a dad there?
What about dads taking them on a day trip?
I assume your child never has a sleepover or a shower at a friends house etc? That's very sad

dottiedodah · 19/12/2021 14:18

Does he feel uncomfortable for any given reason? I think I would listen to DP .These sort of underlying senses are often there for a reason really .

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 19/12/2021 14:21

@CherryAndAlmond

I wouldn't do it, personally. Most abusers are known to the child (and the parents). I only leave DD with DF, no other males.
I assume you would be happy to leave a son with a famale though. Boys's well-being is usually ignored in questions like this.
newname12345 · 19/12/2021 14:22

@explodingeyes Its not even a car journey as they are walking there. So (even if he wanted to) he couldn't attempt to make it so she was left in the car alone with him.

explodingeyes · 19/12/2021 14:38

Oh yes. Even less risk. I realised that actually my DS does the same @Eastie77Returns . Bit older but the dads take it in turns to take the boys. I'm not bothered about watching him swim up and down more than every few weeks if that. I'd not give it a second thought if DD went with them tbh. In their one, it's seperate changing rooms but there's always young girls in there getting themselves changed as a dad has taken them. I'm sure plenty of dads take daughters and their friends

AmyandPhilipfan · 19/12/2021 14:52

@ newname12345 I’m always happy to be corrected when wrong but the OP states it was the dad who asked her if she wanted to be added to the rotation. Yes she had previously discussed the existence of a rota with the other mum but it was the dad who raised it with her if she definitely wanted to join.

AmyandPhilipfan · 19/12/2021 14:52

Apologies that I clearly don’t know how to tag people Grin

saraclara · 19/12/2021 15:00

How shit must it be to be a single dad. The majority of the posters here wouldn't let their kids have play dates at their friend's house, let him take part in the sports/club lift pool, let him take their kids with his on a day out...etc etc etc. Single dads are clearly being seen as pariahs.
Poor blokes and their poor kids, who can't have their friends round.

Also of course, there are thousands of posts on this board about dads not playing their part in kid-related work. But the dads who spare their female partners the taking kids to clubs etc are viewed with suspicion, so no wonder it's left to the mums.

What a depressing thread.

WaltzingBetty · 19/12/2021 15:13

@BlingLoving

If his objective was to abuse DD I’m guessing the dozens of times she has been to his house on play dates would have presented an easier opportunity than a crowded swimming pool changing village.

This. People’s understanding of risk and ability to assess it is massively skewed.

What does your DH say when you point this out OP?

I think you're right and he needs to better articulate his concerns, or take responsibility for making an alternative plan

WaltzingBetty · 19/12/2021 15:15

@AmyandPhilipfan

@ newname12345 I’m always happy to be corrected when wrong but the OP states it was the dad who asked her if she wanted to be added to the rotation. Yes she had previously discussed the existence of a rota with the other mum but it was the dad who raised it with her if she definitely wanted to join.
You're wrong. Read the OP's posts
Offmyfence · 19/12/2021 15:18

@Wintersnuggles10

It depends on the situation. The pool my daughter goes to has an open plan changing room with hooks, no cubicles, so everyone has to get changed in front of each other. There's a male and female changing room, all the mums bring their sons into the female changing room. My daughter is 7 but I help her to get changed etc, so do all the other parents, so for me it would be a definite no. If she can get changed by herself in a cubicle then yes. But also I like to go in and spectate at her lessons so I wouldn't really want to go once every 3 weeks anyway tbh
Try reading the OPs posts, it answers all that.
Rachie1973 · 19/12/2021 16:05

@Rudeppl

Massive safeguarding issue. Do not go through with this. Parenting these days....
Wouldn’t even flag as a safeguarding issue.

I’m a registered Foster Carer. I’d allow it. My supervisor would be ok with it..

newname12345 · 19/12/2021 16:16

@AmyandPhilipfan I am glad you are happy to be corrected when wrong... Here are the OP's exact words:

The suggestion that be creepily offered to take DD swimming is very unpleasant. The other mum mentioned it first, I followed up with him and he explained the rotation they have in place so I said I’d be happy to join in.

explodingeyes · 19/12/2021 16:30

I think if @Rachie1973 as a highly trained foster carer would allow it, that's a good benchmark. As a safeguarding lead it wouldn't concern me under the conditions op detailed.

100problems · 19/12/2021 16:45

She's presumably getting dried and changed in the women's changing room. If so, however much I try I really cannot see a problem with the arrangement.

explodingeyes · 19/12/2021 16:51

@100problems OP has explained that its communal village type mixed sex arrangement with rows of individual cubicles so there would be plenty of other people about

Laiste · 19/12/2021 16:54

There's no point in getting cross with people who feel differently to you.

We all parent our own way.

The important conflict here is the one between the actual OP and her husband. I thought we were supposed to be trying to help them resolve that?

My advice would be if one parent has concerns about their child's safely then they should be addressed. Addressed means talking through what they think will happen, when, how, why and how to allay those fears. They shouldn't be just brushed under the carpet though.