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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

661 replies

Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:08

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

OP posts:
Fidgetty · 19/12/2021 08:58

Why would he be comfortable with a mum and not a dad? Women are abusers too.

People trotting out this line must be seriously hard of thinking... are you unable to read statistics? it's incredibly rare for a woman to sexually abuse a child and more often than not it's done for the gratification of a male partner, not off their own back. One in three women and girls report being sexually assaulted by a man at some time in their life - one in three! And that's only the ones that are reported. We know this is a crime that goes significantly underreported, so it's really not difficult to extrapolate the potential risk from those figures.

It's not the same bloody man going around abusing a third of the female population you idiots.

NewtoHolland · 19/12/2021 08:59

@liveforsummer
I couldn't disagree more with your assessment of the situation.
I get that absolutely there has to be a balance of not thinking ahhh everyone is a paedophile and reducing potential risk . I'm not aware of any pools in my local area where adults aren't allowed In to help with their kids changing, and if I was I would email that pool and express my safeguarding concern.

More generally...

I don't feel there is a huge risk with a dad that the OP knows well for 10 years and trusts (although paedophiles tend to be fairly charming, likeable, apparently trustworthy people, hence their ability to groom and do what they do). But I would always go with the gut feeling if one parent is uncomfortable..if your Spidey senses are tingling there is a reason that you feel there is a risk.. instinct sometimes tell us things that we can't really rationally explain. When it comes to risk and my kids Its something I really need my husband to respect my boundaries on so I would be respectful of his even if they didn't make 100% sense to me, cause it's important to be ally's on the stuff that really matters.

A changing village with lots of cubicles is not a safe environment IMO for any unsupervised child...

When my daughter was a baby we used to take her to one pool with this set up once a week in the evening as the baby pool was quiet and it helped her sleep. Several times I had to alert staff that teenage swimming lesson attendees were standing on the benches to harass other teenagers in the cubicle next door, or looking under the doors and harassing each other, whilst changing, eventually they put a staff member out in the village to keep more of an eye on this.

Obv that is fairly low level voyeuristic stuff but it's not hard to imagine why swimming pool changing rooms would be very attractive places to sexual offenders of all kinds, and particularly Paedophiles.

Eeve · 19/12/2021 09:21

Funny how women are encouraged to "listen to their gut" but he's being "ridiculous".

ChristmasRobins · 19/12/2021 09:31

I’d be fine with this.

vivainsomnia · 19/12/2021 09:45

it's incredibly rare for a woman to sexually abuse a child and more often than not it's done for the gratification of a male partner, not off their own back
So it undeniably rarer, but if you want to use statistics, if your child is regularly left with women but never a man, ultimately, the risk they can be abused by a woman goes up a lot.

We do many thing which statistically put our children at risk. Driving them places certainly being the most obvious. There are many journeys that could be done walking but are done by car significantly increasing the risks, but we don't think about that.

Yet a father, well known, with two other kids and the first thing that comes to mind is that he could wish and they to abuse the girl.

What Asad society we live in when paranoia and hatred of men has come to this.

Mylittlecoconuts · 19/12/2021 09:54

My eldest daughter is 8. There is no way she would feel comfortable going swimming with male adult/boys. (She always needs some help getting changed)

I would not feel comfortable with my daughters going with male /boys.

My dh would never allow the girls to go with males/boys whether we knew them or not.

The fact you would even consider this (especially without checking how dd or hubby would feel about it) is crazy!

twinkie100 · 19/12/2021 09:57

I wouldn't let my 8 year old daughter get changed after swimming with a dad from the school.

If that sounds paranoid, call me paranoid, but I wouldn't feel comfortable.

BatshitBanshee · 19/12/2021 09:59

I'm with DP. Not a fucking chance, and I wouldn't care how long you've known him. Abusers can be really, really good at hiding their behaviours.

liveforsummer · 19/12/2021 10:17

I get that absolutely there has to be a balance of not thinking ahhh everyone is a paedophile and reducing potential risk . I'm not aware of any pools in my local area where adults aren't allowed In to help with their kids changing, and if I was I would email that pool and express my safeguarding concern.

I don't your email would ask much difference when it's the policy of an entire council run leisure chain with multiple venues that others are still using happily. I don't know anyone that cancelled swimming when these measure were brought in after lockdown one first eased and I know people stuck on long waiting lists so can't be much of a problem to others either. Honestly theses been countless posts about it on here in the last 18 months from individual posters objecting however the lessons appear to have continued to run in each case

saraclara · 19/12/2021 10:26

@itsgettingwierd

No wonder kids nowadays have anxiety at extreme levels.

The level on here that's being passed to kids is unbelievable.

A kid is walking/going into a pool with a parent, their kid and another friend to go to a swim lesson and then go into a private civil league afterwards to get changed.

OP - well done on being a decent parent who has actually considered it necessary for their 8 yo to be able to dry and dress themselves. You'd be amazed how many laments still that that is a step too far for their snowflakes nowadays.

Also ask your dp how he'd feel if your dds friends parents stopped them coming for play dates because he'd be there supervising. How would he feel if someone thought his sheer presence on a building posed an abuse risk to their child.

I'm on board risk exists. But this is very low.

This. The child is nearly nine! She'll be getting changed in a cubicle in a changing village and she won't be alone with this guy at any point.

What the hell has happened to the world? I'm a cautious and sensible parent, but seriously, Many of the responses on here are bizarre.

saraclara · 19/12/2021 10:29

@BatshitBanshee

I'm with DP. Not a fucking chance, and I wouldn't care how long you've known him. Abusers can be really, really good at hiding their behaviours.
What on earth kind of behaviour can this man indulge in in this scenario? He's never alone with her and she's getting changed by herself in a public changing village.
saraclara · 19/12/2021 10:32

@Ohmych

It depends on whether she needs help changing or not before I vote.
How about actually reading the OP's posts then, where she makes it clear that this almost nine year old absolutely can get changed by herself.
Offmyfence · 19/12/2021 10:40

@BatshitBanshee

I'm with DP. Not a fucking chance, and I wouldn't care how long you've known him. Abusers can be really, really good at hiding their behaviours.
And parents can be very very poor at risk assessment.

He's never alone with the child.

3scape · 19/12/2021 10:49

The child can dress herself. Essentially this is lift share, with minimal supervision on the part of all three parents, who appear to have been acquainted for years. Seems a better arrangement than playdates etc where people are happy for their child to spend hours with some random household just because they happen to go to the sake school.

I don't do free Or family child care - but this is certainly at the lower risk end of that sort of level of trust.

catzwhiskas · 19/12/2021 10:56

Please don’t be naive. As some other posters say, males are more of a risk and knowing the person, does not necessarily mean they won’t be a risk. I was more naive when my daughter was young, but now regret that I was not more aware, and am constantly thinking about what may have happened to her on such occasions. It would be lovely not to feel suspicious but experience tells me that we have to be . I hate the whole changing village idea...I do not feel especially safe when men and boys are around, so why would a small girl? If there was another girl perhaps it might allow them to dress together . Otherwise I would be present nearby . Which is not what I did many many years ago.

Triffid1 · 19/12/2021 11:17

I see these threads and I realise why we have a problem with children not learning independence and resilience. Risks are risks but we have to learn how to assess the likelihood of risk and then accept that not all risk can be removed completely. Then we also have to teach our children how to speak up etc. I remember telling my parents, aged about 14, that the dad of a girl I did an activity with and who we car pooled with made me uncomfortable when he was driving because he used to read the newspaper while stuck in traffic. It didn't even occur to me not to mention it because I'd been taught what was and wasn't appropriate and to highlight issues. After that, my parents collected me every time.

A teenager was recently killed in our area in a tragic traffic accident where she was a pedestrian. I've heard parents saying they don't think they'll let their children walk any more. But then what, next week a child is killed in a traffic accident where the child is a passenger in a car? Do they then stop driving the child everywhere?

ShinyballsAndChocolateTinsel · 19/12/2021 11:21

If your husband feels uncomfortable with it, then I would refuse the offer. Exactly the same if I felt uncomfortable with it.

saraclara · 19/12/2021 11:22

All these people who think the kid will need help changing, how do you think teachers manage to take their whole class to swimming lessons? My kids were getting changed for school swimming lessons from the age of six.

My daughter was super sporty and we had similar arrangements for her sports practices and games/competitions. She was always with other kids in the car, and changed by herself. It world have been ridiculous to ban dads from the car pool arrangements in such circumstances.

Sillawithans · 19/12/2021 11:31

Are the boys parents worried about you.....

Your husband is being a bit silly here.

newname12345 · 19/12/2021 11:36

@catzwhiskas I don't think the OP has actually said if she goes into the changing village at the moment? If she doesn't then is someone else taking her DD to the pool really actually more of a risk?

If she doesn't supervise in the changing village, then whether she should is another question. If so when should she stop supervising? At the age of 9? 10? Never?

rrhuth · 19/12/2021 11:38

@Sillawithans

Are the boys parents worried about you.....

Your husband is being a bit silly here.

A sensible person makes their own judgements, not just mirrors the other party.
marcopront · 19/12/2021 11:39

Various statistics have been mentioned but does anyone know what percentage of abuse is carried out by family friends as opposed to family members?

SpilltheTea · 19/12/2021 11:41

This is far less of a risk than a play date. I don't understand the hysteria.

Torina · 19/12/2021 12:10

He's being ridiculous. A small percentage of men are paedophiles, so your daughter should avoid all contact with men? That's like saying a small percentage of men are rapists, so women should never spend time alone with any men!

Also, what kind of world do we live in when dads aren't allowed to just be dads and take on those responsibilities? What about single parent dad families? Should they never be allowed to do any of these things?

Just ignore him, OP.

Divebar2021 · 19/12/2021 12:49

Most people who abuse children are known to them and, crucially, trusted. They are also overwhelmingly likely to be male

This is correct - it’s also likely to be someone in the family - your partner, your uncle, your step dad, your grandfather. Do you trust those people and if so why? ( I hope you’re not going to say because they never abused you). If you’ve known someone for 10 years and you trust them you know as well as you can. None of us knows anything for certainty. I worked in child protection so I’m not blasé about safety but you can’t be paranoid about everybody because if so you need to include every male family member, every teacher, every doctor etc etc. She isn’t a toddler, she’s in mixed changing rooms with women around. I’d give her a onesie or something easy to change into.