DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

[Eastie77Returns]

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

I don't think it's as simple as that because I was abused as a child but would be fine with this scenario.
Implying that only people who have been abused themselves are able to calculate risk and everyone else is naive is wrong imo.

A few years back we had a friend. Nice guy, gave jobs to local people. Discovered one evening he'd been arrested on his way to meet what he thought was the ten year old girl he'd been grooming online, who'd turned out to be a policeman. A search of his premises revealed little trophies he'd taken from real children. It hides in plain sight - yet we had no idea. So if one or both of you has a bad feeling, go with it.

Why is the man in a couple know well, and have done since kids two I think it was.

An obvious risk?

If he's an obvious risk.

If been mates for 6 years, 2 couples same age children. Then surely at some point in the last 6 years it's likely he will have opportunities to abuse OPs DD over the years.

Getting together kids playing upstairs he goes up to get something.
Walk kids go ahead/ lag and he says I'll stick with them check ok. (Normal).
Or anything.

Should that never have happened/ if has had any opportunity at all, should be concern he could have done something to her sexually?
We all know some things can be done v quick.

@Bovrilly

I don't think it's as simple as that because I was abused as a child but would be fine with this scenario. Implying that only people who have been abused themselves are able to calculate risk and everyone else is naive is wrong imo.

Well it's a v personal thing isn't and everyone has different experiences fears etc. Probably most have a bit of a mix.

Everyone is different and fact is that the vast vast vast majority of parents love their children and want the best for them.

The idea right/ wrong full stop, causing understandable arguments because protecting your children is I imagine most parents top priority, along with health, cheerful at school and in general, risk aware but also will take appropriate risks which is also important... Etc etc.

You don't have to have been abused yourself to find any risk of CSA just not worth it.
You don't have to have grown up with extreme limitations on freedom to think situation fine.

For those who have personal experiences that affect their assessment of this situation.
It must be really difficult on these threads.

AIBU though I mean we all know.

Gloves on round one. Fight to knockout.

Also sorry yes your point that personal experiences don't automatically mean same views on this.

I mean if someone said that, they are again forgetting that individuals have own thoughts etc and grouping those together because all a thing, and assuming all same when it comes to a situation.

Is terrible esp when it's as serious a thing as CSA. Assuming behaviour because of having been abused is terrible thing to say.

Hmm...I'm a lot more concerned that she's getting changed with no supervising adult around at all (not watching her but knowing where she is, which cubicle, that no person is hanging around her, knowing she's ok)..the adult is in the cafe....within a changing village where lots of strangers are milling about...I disagree with your assessment completely...there is huge potential risk for all 3 of those children getting changed in a changing village with lots of unknown adults and older kids about...I think one of the least mentioned areas of common abuse is child-child.

In real life.

With 8yo.

Do parents pretty much always.

Go in hover outside cubicle. Say get a move on, what do you mean no hat? See them out ready and bumble off. Then think yay 30 mins to myself!
And do reverse when see them come out.

Or wave their 8yo (3 8yo two of whom they are looking after!), off at changing room door and hit cafe.

@CheeseMmmm

In real life.

With 8yo.

Do parents pretty much always.

Go in hover outside cubicle. Say get a move on, what do you mean no hat? See them out ready and bumble off. Then think yay 30 mins to myself!
And do reverse when see them come out.

Or wave their 8yo (3 8yo two of whom they are looking after!), off at changing room door and hit cafe.

I mean personally I stay with my kids in the changing rooms? I mean I’m not sitting dd10 on my knee and putting her socks on for her but I’m always there.

Not sure but it seems like a lot of parents would be fine with leaving them to it. I guess it’s up to those parents though. Generally I think swimming pools etc do prefer to have children supervised which is why they don’t usually allow them to go swimming alone anyway?

As long as she’s perfectly ok getting changed in the female changing rooms, or in a cubicle if it’s a “village”, completely independently then it’s fine!

Why doesn’t your DH think this is ok? Perhaps he could take a turn in the rota too?

Just tell the other dad you've changed your mind on the rota thing, as you do sometimes like to see DD swimming every week.

I can understand why you're comfortable with it and I can understand why your DH is uncomfortable with it.

@Clearbloo

I guess that's the judgement you have to make with the people that live under your roof... at least you would hopefully know them a bit better than external people. Your personal experiences, just like anyones, will effect your opinions. But I don't see the point of this extra and fairly obvious risk in this particular situation though, do you?

I don't see any "extra and fairly obvious risk" though. My friends dad's often dropped us at activities. Some involved getting changed when we got there. Sometimes the dads waited in the car. Sometimes they waited in the building (but not the changing room). Sometimes they went shopping and came back for us.

Other than the fact we weren't swimming (but were often changing) there is no difference between that and what OP is planning.

And why are we constantly told on here that 8 year old boys should be in the men's changing rooms because they should be capable of dressing and drying themselves. Yet an 8 year old girl might get stuck in her wet things and need help. Are 8 year old girls totally incapable?

Kanaloa swimming lesson rather than just swim. I think that makes a difference.

I really can't imagine many parents at all would leave 3 8yo, two not your kids they are in your care.

Wave bye bye at changing room main door.

Rather than making sure they get changed in time and and head off for pool.

On MN I often see posts that I think. That just not how it works irl.

Massive safeguarding issue. Do not go through with this. Parenting these days....

These days..

As opposed to when?

I was 8 in the 70s. We had way way way more independence etc.

I was walking home from school 1 mile at 8. Had keys let myself in.

That's the sort of thing you mean?

@CheeseMmmm

Kanaloa swimming lesson rather than just swim. I think that makes a difference.

I really can't imagine many parents at all would leave 3 8yo, two not your kids they are in your care.

Wave bye bye at changing room main door.

Rather than making sure they get changed in time and and head off for pool.

On MN I often see posts that I think. That just not how it works irl.

I meant supervised in the changing rooms. In my experience of swimming lessons the teacher doesn’t supervise this, simply waits by the pool and parents tend to watch their kids. So I think we’re actually agreeing? That it isn’t generally the done thing for the kids to be changing unsupervised/without adults nearby. In my experience it isn’t anyway.

For what it’s worth I would feel the same about a young boy being expected to change alone in the public changing areas and I think it’s annoying that there aren’t more ‘family change’ areas/rooms. But we just go swimming at the weekends so we can all go, boys with DH and girls with me.

@Rudeppl

Massive safeguarding issue. Do not go through with this. Parenting these days....

Utter twaddle!

Parenting these days...?

OP, you've risk assessed and I think it's fine.

My friend was sexually abused at the swimming pool at a slightly older age. When she confided in our group of friends, 10 year later, it was the first time she told anyone. She has been seriously emotionally damaged by this event. Abusers don't stick to plans - they manipulate trusting people and seemingly safe situations. Most sexual abusers are men. Unless adults are categorically not allowed in the changing room at lesson times, the risk is there. I doubt if there is a ban. I swim at a pool with this set up. The opportunities are there. Safeguarding children must take priority over feelings of adults. There are a lots of ways to reject this offer, without worrying a child or upsetting the other parent. My partner never took my son's female friend on days out due to concerns about public toilets - and he is quite niave generally about risk. Once a risk is pointed out to him however, he is is respectful of the concerns of others. Your DP is not being overprotective in my view, as someone who is alert to safeguarding risks due to my profession.

“Alert to safeguarding risks due to my profession” anybody who works with children has safeguarding training so your ok in on doesn’t carry any extra weight.

Do outline these safeguarding risks.

Boys on MN are continuously told to just toddle off away from their mothers in female changing rooms to the men’s as there is zero risk in the men’s.

You are not being unreasonable.
Your DP is being unreasonable.
Why would he be comfortable with a mum and not a dad?
Women are abusers too.
Its ridiculous to assume all men are abusers.
People on here taking the dads side should be ashamed of yourself.
From now on I will assume all women are abusers on here.
Female abusers are most likely to be people who look after kids. So why is he ok with leaving your child at school with female staff?

Your child is capable of dressing and undressing themselves. This is a communal changing room with separate cubicles probably in earshot off staff. Very low risk.

If your child is not capable of dressing and undressing themselves then your DP should take them as he has a backwards attitude.

Kanoaka yes we are agreeing, would be really weird not to go in wait outside cubicle while changing, imo and IME

At most pools adults aren't even allowed in the changing rooms at the moment (there are plenty posts on here complaining about it and is the case at the pool my dc swim at too) so the chances are he won't be anywhere near changing dc. He's simply walking them there, waiting and walking them back home again. Even if he was able to go in it's a highly public area with kids (and adults if they are allowed) coming and going constantly. As a op said it's a safer environment than a play date in many ways

I understand. It's unlikely but not impossible. We'd be taking our daughter ourselves every week.

@CheeseMmmm At what age though would you find it not weird? 8/9 years olds are going to be finding their independence especially in a group.

Op, do you allow your daughter to go on sleepovers.

It depends on whether she needs help changing or not before I vote.