to feel weird about my neighbour's comments about my son?

[pizzaallday]

Hello,

I have a 16 month old and our neighbours are a married couple in their fifties.

They have three children, 26,28 and 32 and no grandchildren yet.

Ever since my son arrived, they have been doting over him.

Inviting him over, giving him food, playing with him.

We never leave him alone with them, either one of us or both of us is with him when he's invited over.

On the one hand I have absolutely no problem with them being so close to my son. The husband suffers from depression and doesn't work anymore and the wife has to work two jobs. They don't have it easy so I can understand how a toddler can bring light and joy to someone's life.

Let's call this couple Mr and Mrs Smith and my son is called Josh (names changed).

There are just some comments Mr Smith makes occasionally that I find cringeworthy.

For example:

• He said when he was playing with him: "Oh Josh, I want to go to bed with you"

• They knocked on our door in the evening and he said "Josh, I want to spend all night with you"

• Last time we were at their house Mr Smith was playing with Josh. He then made a sawing motion at his ear and said: "I want to cut off your ear and make bacon off it".

• The other day my husband left the house in the evening, because he had to go somewhere. Mr Smith was outside his house and he asked my husband: "Are you going to pick up Josh? (we send him to a childminder)" "I will come with you!"

• Usually I pick him up from the childminder in the evening. When I arrive back home, Mr Smith usually sits in his car, because he has to pick up his wife from work. When he sees Josh, he either pulls his window down to shout his name or comes out to interact with him

• Mr Smith has an alcohol problem as well. He drinks every evening, usually whiskey. In summer, when it was still warm at night, we often sat in our living room and heard Mr Smith singing in in the garden. It was obvious he was drunk and he was singing my son's name 😳 That has stopped now, either because it's too cold outside or perhaps because his wife asked him to drink less.

His wife always is very embarrassed when her husband makes those comments to my son and says "He doesn't mean it".

I know the comments are made in a certain context and I don't think Mr Smith is a pedophile.

Still, they give me a bad feeling and I feel like he is crossing boundaries he shouldn't.

It's very hard for me to know whether I am being unreasonable or not.

On the one hand they are a lovely couple with lovely children and are nice neighbours that we get on well with.

On the other hand his comments give me the creeps.

AIBU to feel this way?

There's nothing grey about this. His comments are beyond weird. His wife knows they're weird, hence her saying "he doesn't mean it like that" (paraphrasing). You don't need to be around this couple.

You need to nip it in the bud now.

Good grief, I Co sleep with my DD and I wouldn't say 'I want to go to bed with you' to her!!

You need to put Josh first here, not your desire to keep the peace, and not allow him to continue to develop a relationship with Mr Smith. Because that's what's happening, in his small 16 month old world Mr Smith is already the funny, safe, animal noise man. And that's not OK.

It sounds like Mrs Smith knows what he's saying is inappropriate. There might be a medical reason why she's making excuses of 'he doesn't mean it' but even if that's the case a medical reason that leads to issues with judgement like he's exhibiting quite likely would also mean he's not a safe adult to be alone with Josh. Teaching Josh he's a 'friend' is just asking for trouble of one sort or another.

@pizzaallday you need to put your son first. Mr Smith is not 'hilarious' and this behaviour is not okay.

.... pressed the send button too quickly.

You need to reinforce this with Josh now.

"Should I let my toddler play with the neighbourhood drunk" is peak Mumsnet.

"Last time we were at their house Mr Smith was playing with Josh. He then made a sawing motion at his ear and said: "I want to cut off your ear and make bacon off it"."

This stands out for me as one of the most sinister things this man said. He's basically fantasising about him and verbalising to him that he is a joint of delicious meat, which he wishes to cook and eat.

Cut all contact.

I've read the thread but I didn't need to read past half your opening post to know this man is a vile paedo who is grooming you and your son. Cut all contact. Look into moving. Talk to the police about it. And for fuck's sale protect your son!

No grey area. You haven't been keeping your son safe. Stop minimising and reasoning, he isn't safe. He might not be uncomfortable with what he hears as he gets older, because you're allowing him to get used to it, to be groomed into accepting it, preventing g him being a to keep himself safe later. Its emotionally abusive, your neighbours behaviours and you and your DH if you have any more contact at all with the neighbours and your tiny child.

At the moment my son thinks "Mr Smith" is hilarious, because he makes funny animal sounds when he sees him.

When he's older and he understands the comments though he will feel very uncomfortable.

Your DS shouldn't need to wait until he's old enough to appreciate that this man's behaviour is inappropriate - it's your job as his parent to shut this stuff down, not be led by a 16 month old because he's currently fine with it.

You are complicit in this man's potential grooming of your son by smiling and not wanting to offend him when he says inappropriate things - your acceptance of this behaviour is teaching your son that it is acceptable behaviour.

What if some other adult he comes into contact with (at the childminders' or a relative's or an event) speaks to your son like that? He will think it's normal to have old men wanting to go to bed with him as you're standing there smiling like it's fine.

He won't develop protective instincts to deal with all those odd creepy encounters as you're ignoring your own protective instincts through social awkwardness and pity.

And it's not good enough to say "he'll never be left alone with them" as it's not about this one man - it's about your son learning about boundaries and inappropriate behaviour so he can protect himself in those inevitable situations he'll encounter when your back is turned for whatever reason.

Also, his accompanying you to the childminder is a shrewd way of signalling to the childminder that you trust him, so that when he starts running into the childminder at the park or the shops, the childminder could mistake him for a trusted family friend.

You also need to look at how you got into this situation in the first place, as a family, have you no boundaries of your own as an adult, that you would become new best friends with neighbours you do not know, all because an adult man loves your child? Its not ok, its not normal to do this. Look at where it has led you.

How you think anything about this is a "grey situation" is beyond me. Your safeguarding radar is FAR too lacking. Even this man's wife knows there's something wrong with him.

Not suggested to move but just to let you know that being in a fixed term mortgage product doesn’t mean you cannot move house. Mortgages are ported.

How old are you OP, are you quite young? Is 'in their fifties' far away elderly, invisible older people territory for you, much older than you so not really people anymore? In their fifties is my colleagues, peers, friends and their husbands, people with jobs and families, who aren't 'depressed alcoholic cocklodgers, none of whom would think this is ok. You think his comments are weird, everyone here thinks you are weird for not seeing the danger.

Cut off contact. I am in my fifties next year. There is no way I would ever say this to a child, not even my own child! He sounds obsessed.

@OakRowan

How old are you OP, are you quite young? Is 'in their fifties' far away elderly, invisible older people territory for you, much older than you so not really people anymore? In their fifties is my colleagues, peers, friends and their husbands, people with jobs and families, who aren't 'depressed alcoholic cocklodgers, none of whom would think this is ok. You think his comments are weird, everyone here thinks you are weird for not seeing the danger.

Spot on

This man is a predator
Protect your son

I agree @OakRowan, people in their 50s have grown up with Childline, etc. This generation is well aware (or should be) of inappropriate comments. This isn’t the 70s.

Don’t be hoodwinked.

At the moment my son thinks "Mr Smith" is hilarious, because he makes funny animal sounds when he sees him.When he's older and he understands the comments though he will feel very uncomfortable.

Far worse than that, he will think funny playful Mr smith is his friend trusted by Mummy and Daddy. and when Nice Mr Smith says " come and play with me/ Mummy is busy, she said I can take you to the park/for a ride in my car " Josh will grab his hand and go without a seconds hesitation.

 Mr Smith has  successfully groomed you to think  he's a really nice  neighbour,  so he'll have no trouble at all fooling a 3 yr old.

I haven't RTFT but the fact that you mentioned that he went to collect from the childminders... so he now knows where your childminder lives and where he is when not with you?

Speak to your childminder and make sure that she knows that there would absolutely no way she should ever let your child leave with that man if he tries to collect him.

Also, most mortgages are portable. Speak to your broker and move.

Yup, I'm in my 50s and I'm horrified. And my parents are in their 70s and no way would they say that. Or think it! I'm happy to have my own kids/pets and in the future, grandkids in bed with me but to comfort them, not because I want to sleep with them. I loved snuggling with my gran.

Your posts have made me feel a bit sick. The comments this man makes are sinister, that's why you feel concerned about it!

OP you need to make this stop, right now. Don't worry about offending them, just look out for your child!

Come on.

He’s already doing a good job of grooming all of you. A lot of PPs are attacking you but don’t recognise you’re also a victim of grooming that’s why you’re calling it a ‘grey area’. He’s confused you but believe me, he’s hiding in plain sight.

I’m sure he's not a child molester

WTF? I have never heard any adult say this to any child, probably because there is absolutely no context for it that means anything other than an adult wants to be in bed with a child. I’m interested where, beyond family member sharing a bed, you think it doesn’t indicate that adult is very much interested in molesting a child.

Your gut has already given you a warning, listen to it. You have that inbuilt warning system for a reason - to keep you (and your family) safe.
You are lucky, your gut warning works. Some people have lost theirs or been conditioned to ignore it.

Distance yourself from this man/couple. This may or may not mean move but it does mean that they are no longer part of your son's life - they are no more than any other stranger in the street.
Moving may not help anyway - you've identified the dodgy guy where you live but may not spot the one in your new street