to feel weird about my neighbour's comments about my son?

[pizzaallday]

Hello,

I have a 16 month old and our neighbours are a married couple in their fifties.

They have three children, 26,28 and 32 and no grandchildren yet.

Ever since my son arrived, they have been doting over him.

Inviting him over, giving him food, playing with him.

We never leave him alone with them, either one of us or both of us is with him when he's invited over.

On the one hand I have absolutely no problem with them being so close to my son. The husband suffers from depression and doesn't work anymore and the wife has to work two jobs. They don't have it easy so I can understand how a toddler can bring light and joy to someone's life.

Let's call this couple Mr and Mrs Smith and my son is called Josh (names changed).

There are just some comments Mr Smith makes occasionally that I find cringeworthy.

For example:

• He said when he was playing with him: "Oh Josh, I want to go to bed with you"

• They knocked on our door in the evening and he said "Josh, I want to spend all night with you"

• Last time we were at their house Mr Smith was playing with Josh. He then made a sawing motion at his ear and said: "I want to cut off your ear and make bacon off it".

• The other day my husband left the house in the evening, because he had to go somewhere. Mr Smith was outside his house and he asked my husband: "Are you going to pick up Josh? (we send him to a childminder)" "I will come with you!"

• Usually I pick him up from the childminder in the evening. When I arrive back home, Mr Smith usually sits in his car, because he has to pick up his wife from work. When he sees Josh, he either pulls his window down to shout his name or comes out to interact with him

• Mr Smith has an alcohol problem as well. He drinks every evening, usually whiskey. In summer, when it was still warm at night, we often sat in our living room and heard Mr Smith singing in in the garden. It was obvious he was drunk and he was singing my son's name 😳 That has stopped now, either because it's too cold outside or perhaps because his wife asked him to drink less.

His wife always is very embarrassed when her husband makes those comments to my son and says "He doesn't mean it".

I know the comments are made in a certain context and I don't think Mr Smith is a pedophile.

Still, they give me a bad feeling and I feel like he is crossing boundaries he shouldn't.

It's very hard for me to know whether I am being unreasonable or not.

On the one hand they are a lovely couple with lovely children and are nice neighbours that we get on well with.

On the other hand his comments give me the creeps.

AIBU to feel this way?

It's not so much about Josh being safe because you are always there because I'm sure he is very safe when you are there.
For me its more by being close/friendly with the neighbour, you are setting the boundary for josh that Mr Smith is a trustworthy adult when actually you are not so sure if he is or not.
If you left Josh unattended for one second/ got lost he would trust Mr Smith to chat/ play/ go for a walk because he is a trusted adult of his.

Absolutely this, well said.

Can you see this OP?

You're positioning this couple as trusted people as far as your little boy is concerned.

You're also modelling behaviour that ignores instincts and shows poor boundaries.

In both those ways this is unfair on your son and unhealthy.

The first one I would interpret as more along the lined of him being tired as I sometimes say similar to my niece and nephew 'I think you need a nap, I want to go to bed with you, I'm knackered' sort of jokes.

The second I think is just weird and creepy. Possibly the drink talking but still creepy as fuck and would ring alarm bells for me. Wanting to come and pick him up is quite sweet and without the other things, would be innocuous enough but in conjunction with them, I find it a bit unsettling.

Do they have grandchildren? Are they possibly doting on him so much because they don't have any grandchildren?

Is there any way you could start easing him away from them? Use the back door so you don't run into them as much?

I would create distance. also tell the child minder, under zero circumstances is Josh allowed to be collected by either of the neighbours. at all. ever.

I would honestly sell up and move, as soon as you can. And in the meantime, stop spending time with them.

I think you’re seriously minimising this OP and need to wake up to this.

He is grooming you all and hiding in plain sight.

Believe what you are hearing from his mouth.

Could this be an onset of dementia causing those inappropriate remarks?
Our dear neighbour started having some really weird remarks when his dementia got worse and he wasn't taking medication because "he was just fine".

This post gives me the chills.

I was abused by my alcoholic neighbour as a child. He was also in his 50s and my parents knew he was dodgy as f**k. They too made sure I was never alone with him… well they thought they did. Rule number 1 was never go to “Uncle” X’s house on your own. My parents would call me in for dinner if he tried to talk to me in the garden.

He pushed the boundaries more and more and even filmed my 3rd birthday party, with me & my friends playing in the paddling pool in our pants as he had a camcorder (late 80s). My parents didn’t know how to turn the offer down without being rude as it was framed as a gift, “they would have a keepsake of my birthday forever”.

As I got a bit older, he told me my parents didn’t want me to go to his house as he had loads of amazing toys. So we made a plan for me to sneak over one morning while they slept in. I was 6 and he sexually assaulted me in a caravan he had at the bottom of the garden. I was too scared to tell my parents, as I had broken their rules. I also didn’t really understand what had happened. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Please don't engage with this man or worry about being rude. Your sons safety is a priority.

@EerieSilence

Could this be an onset of dementia causing those inappropriate remarks? Our dear neighbour started having some really weird remarks when his dementia got worse and he wasn't taking medication because "he was just fine".

For. Fucks. Sake.

@Postsecret123 so sorry that happened to you. Your parents sound criminally neglectful.

So many posters have already said it OP. Which would you prefer, some mild awkwardness now, or the risk of your son being abused down the line? Because that might really be the choice here. You need to do something now to stop the contact.

@Postsecret123

This post gives me the chills.

I was abused by my alcoholic neighbour as a child. He was also in his 50s and my parents knew he was dodgy as f**k. They too made sure I was never alone with him… well they thought they did. Rule number 1 was never go to “Uncle” X’s house on your own. My parents would call me in for dinner if he tried to talk to me in the garden.

He pushed the boundaries more and more and even filmed my 3rd birthday party, with me & my friends playing in the paddling pool in our pants as he had a camcorder (late 80s). My parents didn’t know how to turn the offer down without being rude as it was framed as a gift, “they would have a keepsake of my birthday forever”.

As I got a bit older, he told me my parents didn’t want me to go to his house as he had loads of amazing toys. So we made a plan for me to sneak over one morning while they slept in. I was 6 and he sexually assaulted me in a caravan he had at the bottom of the garden. I was too scared to tell my parents, as I had broken their rules. I also didn’t really understand what had happened. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Please don't engage with this man or worry about being rude. Your sons safety is a priority.

So sorry that happened

As people have said, he might well be grooming you too. He is declaring his intentions in plain sight. Every time he says something like "i want to go to bed with you' in your hearing and you aren't sweetly and politely pulling him up on how inappropriate that is you are normalising very, very unacceptable behaviour.

If you really like them and want to keep socialising with them I think you need to have a zero tolerance approach to comments like that. Intervene every time. He can do it once more and you challenge him. If he does it twice remind him that it's inappropriate and open to misinterpretation. Three strikes and I'd leave and never go back.

Incidentally DH and I are in our 60s with no GC. Our neighbours have 4 very cute children. We wave and chat and have given them small Christmas gifts/Easter eggs but I cannot imagine a scenario where me or DH would ever say anything like that to them.

@Postsecret123

This post gives me the chills.

I was abused by my alcoholic neighbour as a child. He was also in his 50s and my parents knew he was dodgy as f**k. They too made sure I was never alone with him… well they thought they did. Rule number 1 was never go to “Uncle” X’s house on your own. My parents would call me in for dinner if he tried to talk to me in the garden.

He pushed the boundaries more and more and even filmed my 3rd birthday party, with me & my friends playing in the paddling pool in our pants as he had a camcorder (late 80s). My parents didn’t know how to turn the offer down without being rude as it was framed as a gift, “they would have a keepsake of my birthday forever”.

As I got a bit older, he told me my parents didn’t want me to go to his house as he had loads of amazing toys. So we made a plan for me to sneak over one morning while they slept in. I was 6 and he sexually assaulted me in a caravan he had at the bottom of the garden. I was too scared to tell my parents, as I had broken their rules. I also didn’t really understand what had happened. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Please don't engage with this man or worry about being rude. Your sons safety is a priority.

I'm so, so sorry. I hope OP reads this and realises that it simply isn't worth the risk to expose children to someone who has made remarks that made them, the adult, feel troubled and creeped out. Ever.

Perhaps he mis-spoke, but I think that's unlikely.

We are brought up to think that we will be able to spot a bad-guy. If someone comes at you with a knife you know they mean you harm.

Abusers, especially child abusers are subtle, and they often play the long game. Frequently they are known as being lovely, a good neighbour, often a pillar of the local community. Everyone things of them as a good-guy.

This is how they groom the parents and ensure that no-one suspects them or believes any accusations.

Yes, your neighbour may have said those things in error, but I wouldn't risk it.

What concerns me is that he is acting EXACTLY like a man who is grooming you and your DH in order to get access to your child.

I would stop all contact from today.

That would make me so uncomfortable! I would be distancing my family from them immediately, if moving was impossible, but tbh, I'd really rather move!

He's an adult. He should know better than to say things like that. Even if he doesn't have sinister intentions, that he can't hear himself or realise it's weird is enough reason for me to not want my child interacting with him.

They are only in their 50s so not elderly.
The husband could have more issues going on than you know about. I'm in my 50s and have 2 teens. If my DH was sitting in the car every evening trying to get the neighbours baby's attention I'd think that was fucking weird depression or no depression.
He's a bit fixated on your child. The wife knows it's weird too. You need to get the message across that this peculiar attention to your son is not welcome. The neighbour could be using your baby to draw attention to himself.

@pizzaallday

Interesting to see people's reactions so far.

Josh is in no immediate danger as we would never leave him alone with the neighbours.

It's very much a "grey situation".

When he made the comment "I want to go to bed with you" I said to my husband later: he probably meant: "You're so cute, I want to cuddle you".

I wonder if we are just making excuses for him?

I think in general it's highly inappropriate for a man in his fifties to say that to a 16 month old, no matter how it is meant 🙄

If he meant “ you’re so cute I want to cuddle you” he should have said that. Who has ever said to a child if any age “ I want to go to bed with you” ???? It is 100% inappropriate and how do you know he isn’t a paedophile? Because he’s never been caught out —— and neither was Savile.

Maybe he has depression and drinks too much because he is aware that he shouldn't be having these thoughts and making these comments... I'd be distancing the whole family from them now. I even think the offer to go and collect your kid with your husband was weird, as is them coming over to spend an evening with a neighbours kid as the sole Purpose. Major red flags for me, OP

Hi all, I haven't abandoned the thread just been out all day. Thanks for everyone's comments, I am reading every single one.

We can't move house that easily, we're on a 5 year fixed interest mortgage.

I spoke to my husband about this and he also said we have to be super vigilant and that we can't take any risks because he is our child.

I also said to my husband to never allow him to come along to pick him up from the childminder.

Your latest response doesn't seem to reflect the gravitas of the situation OP. Are you really reading everyone's posts and taking it all in?

I don’t understand the house worth comment @NameChangeCity123

@pizzaallday

Hi all, I haven't abandoned the thread just been out all day. Thanks for everyone's comments, I am reading every single one.

We can't move house that easily, we're on a 5 year fixed interest mortgage.

I spoke to my husband about this and he also said we have to be super vigilant and that we can't take any risks because he is our child.

I also said to my husband to never allow him to come along to pick him up from the childminder.

Being friendly with them, having them over, having them spend time (even supervised) with your son is taking risks with him.

Predators groom whole families not just the kids.

Even if he isn't a predator, he's a grown man making inappropriate comments that make you feel uncomfortable - comments always centred around your child.

Model better behaviour for your child - don't have someone who makes you feel anxious and confused re their motivations and interest because that then models poor boundaries to your child.

It doesn't sound at all like you're taking this seriously tbh.

@pizzaallday

Hi all, I haven't abandoned the thread just been out all day. Thanks for everyone's comments, I am reading every single one.

We can't move house that easily, we're on a 5 year fixed interest mortgage.

I spoke to my husband about this and he also said we have to be super vigilant and that we can't take any risks because he is our child.

I also said to my husband to never allow him to come along to pick him up from the childminder.

I haven’t suggested you move, but you can port your mortgage fairly easily to a new home fairly easily.

@MrsRussell

My mother is also an alcoholic and she started saying this sort of shit about my son when he was about nine: how he's got a lovely bum and how he could sleep all night in nana's bed, how he's the only man in her life, yadda yadda. She hasn't seen him unsupervised since - three years ago - and she only sees him once a week for about an hour. I'm /also/ sure she's not a paedophile, but tbh I don't care. It was creepy AF when she said it, but I've made her key worker and every professional involved with her aware of it.

I'd be careful what you tell your key worker. If your child already has a key worker then there are obviously already concerns about your child's well-being

I am taking this seriously, that's why I came on here to ask for advice.

I love my son and don't want any harm to happen to him.

Like I said, it's very much a "grey situation". I said to my husband: "Do we make excuses for a man we feel a bit sorry for without realising we're being groomed?"

My husband agrees with me and I also spoke to my mother about it and she also agrees that we have to be very careful.

She said that his comments are beyond weird and if she heard someone saying those things she would think this person had lost their marbles.

I am trying to distance myself from themselves as much as possible and not let my son have any relationship with them.

At the moment my son thinks "Mr Smith" is hilarious, because he makes funny animal sounds when he sees him.

When he's older and he understands the comments though he will feel very uncomfortable.

And I think making someone feel uncomfortable in that way is a violation, no matter what the intention behind it is.