to feel weird about my neighbour's comments about my son?

[pizzaallday]

Hello,

I have a 16 month old and our neighbours are a married couple in their fifties.

They have three children, 26,28 and 32 and no grandchildren yet.

Ever since my son arrived, they have been doting over him.

Inviting him over, giving him food, playing with him.

We never leave him alone with them, either one of us or both of us is with him when he's invited over.

On the one hand I have absolutely no problem with them being so close to my son. The husband suffers from depression and doesn't work anymore and the wife has to work two jobs. They don't have it easy so I can understand how a toddler can bring light and joy to someone's life.

Let's call this couple Mr and Mrs Smith and my son is called Josh (names changed).

There are just some comments Mr Smith makes occasionally that I find cringeworthy.

For example:

• He said when he was playing with him: "Oh Josh, I want to go to bed with you"

• They knocked on our door in the evening and he said "Josh, I want to spend all night with you"

• Last time we were at their house Mr Smith was playing with Josh. He then made a sawing motion at his ear and said: "I want to cut off your ear and make bacon off it".

• The other day my husband left the house in the evening, because he had to go somewhere. Mr Smith was outside his house and he asked my husband: "Are you going to pick up Josh? (we send him to a childminder)" "I will come with you!"

• Usually I pick him up from the childminder in the evening. When I arrive back home, Mr Smith usually sits in his car, because he has to pick up his wife from work. When he sees Josh, he either pulls his window down to shout his name or comes out to interact with him

• Mr Smith has an alcohol problem as well. He drinks every evening, usually whiskey. In summer, when it was still warm at night, we often sat in our living room and heard Mr Smith singing in in the garden. It was obvious he was drunk and he was singing my son's name 😳 That has stopped now, either because it's too cold outside or perhaps because his wife asked him to drink less.

His wife always is very embarrassed when her husband makes those comments to my son and says "He doesn't mean it".

I know the comments are made in a certain context and I don't think Mr Smith is a pedophile.

Still, they give me a bad feeling and I feel like he is crossing boundaries he shouldn't.

It's very hard for me to know whether I am being unreasonable or not.

On the one hand they are a lovely couple with lovely children and are nice neighbours that we get on well with.

On the other hand his comments give me the creeps.

AIBU to feel this way?

I cannot believe you are even having to ask if this is something to feel weird about. It is horrible to read and I agree this man is grooming you all. Put your foot down, remove contact between him and your son, stop making excuses, stop doubting yourself and PROTECT your son. NOW

@TiddlesTheTiger

Speak to Mrs Smith. Tell her you find her husband's comments upsetting and you'd rather not see so much of the two of them. If they take the huff then that's a win!

It is going to be awkward living next door to them in future, whatever happens.

I would do this. As others have said, she's clearly aware he is being inappropriate, and this in itself is a big red flag.

Their age has nothing to do with it.

You don't need to be rude, but you do need to stop normalising and minimising his behaviour. Every single comment you quote is weird. And his wife knows it is weird, else why would she apologise and say 'he doesn't mean it'?

Whether he has sinister intentions or is just socially inept is kind of neither here nor there: you need to pull right back and protect your child.

The amount of threads I read on here, where parents are so willing to let strangers become bbfs with their children

It's weird OP, stop it. Protect your child and stop supporting and enabling inappropriate relationships with your toddler.

I wonder if we are just making excuses for him?

Of course you are.
It's much easier to pretend nothing creepy is going on than to loudly ask "what the FUCK did you just say to my little boy?", pick him up, carry him safely home, & never let him interact with the drunk creep next door again.

The fact that his wife seems nice & they have their own children is NOT a mitigating circumstance.

why on earth ?!?! have you sprent so much time with someone so strange who says things like this?! if have stopped at the i want to go to bed with you......bizarre that you would even continue to be friendly with essentially a stranger who obviously isnt quite right

• I'd have

No more contact from this point forward, OP.

Go to bed with him= wants a cuddle how? his alcohlism alone would have me worried

@pizzaallday If I were in your position, I would honestly stop contact with this man. He is being really inappropriate and you need to nip it in the bud right now, quite frankly. The comments about 'going to bed' with your son would be enough for me,

It's very sad that Mr Smith has got health problems, but that's not your issue, and it shouldn't fall down to your son to give this man a bit of happiness.

Sending you lots of

@pizzaallday

Interesting to see people's reactions so far.

Josh is in no immediate danger as we would never leave him alone with the neighbours.

It's very much a "grey situation".

When he made the comment "I want to go to bed with you" I said to my husband later: he probably meant: "You're so cute, I want to cuddle you".

I wonder if we are just making excuses for him?

I think in general it's highly inappropriate for a man in his fifties to say that to a 16 month old, no matter how it is meant 🙄

At 16 months old he's not in immediate danger.

At 6 years old after years of his trusted, friendly neighbour saying these things to him in his mother's presence, he will think they are normal things friendly old men say. And by that time this man will be a trusted person in your son's life.

Old Mr Smith seems to be grooming you as much as your son.

Please give your head a wobble, OP! You're enabling the boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable to be blurred to a worrying degree.

It’s just not worth the risk is it?

Trust your instincts.

Gut instincts are usually right. Trust the gut

I would be horrified if my husband - over 50 and drinks every night but also works full time - made even one of those remarks to a baby.
He wouldnt of course as its not normal to make those remarks nor want such a relationship with a neighbours child.

If you dont want to say anything outright at this point you must then distance yourself and Josh from them. A casual hello as you hurry to the car or into the house. No conversation and definitely no going into each others houses. Josh must not be so comfortable with them that he could choose to take himself over there one day on his own . 2-3 year olds are determined little creatures!

If they ask why you dont come over any more then you should tell them as straightforwardly as you can.They must be left with no illusion that it is not their behaviour that has caused the distancing.

@catfunk

I don't quite understand why he makes comments like 'I want to go to bed with you' that you haven't immediately said 'excuse me? What do you mean?' EVERY SINGLE TIME. What do you do - just sit there and politely smile?

Exactly this!

@SoSickOfItNow

My DH is 50 I want to go to bed with you isn’t something he has ever said to our own DC!

This. I wouldn't say it to my own children, future grandchildren, indeed any child. It's so weird.

And I'm not in the slightest bit hysterical about everyone being a prospective child abuser. But in this case, it sounds way too much like grooming for me to be relaxed about my child being in any way in contact with this man.

@heathspeedwell

Definitely trust your instincts. There are far, far more creepy men out there than most of us realise. I was abused by a man who sounds like your neighbour when I was 10.

He and his wife had 3 adult children so my parents assumed they were a nice couple. He always gave me the creeps with the way he used to look at me. My parents made me sit on his lap and I really didn't want to. He proceeded to grope me under my clothes while they were in the room and they didn't even notice!

If you get a sense that a man is creepy he could well be far more dangerous than you think.

And this is why you should just stay well away, not convince yourself your child is safe because you’re there with them. So sorry @heathspeedwell

@PestoSugarPlumFairy I thought that too, I was sure there was a thread about neighbours who kept wanting to have a young child for visits in their home.

Reading this thread I am absolutely raging. I don’t want to divulge what happened to me when I was little but it was very serious. I’m absolutely raging that parents can still be so incredibly naïve about warning signs when it comes to protecting their kids. As a parent it’s your most important job. As a pp said, sometimes we seem to be more concerned about social politeness than protecting our kids from harm, or at the very least from being made to feel uncomfortable and frightened.

If I was in that situation, I'd seriously consider moving.

I was fully prepared to defend a sweet couple who were just trying to enjoy a small child and be neighbourly

Nope. Rarely do I do a comically exaggerated eyebrow raise but here I did. Full blown Spock.

It's absolutely strange and creepy and I would pull away.

Of course noone is accusing him of anything but the behaviour IS inappropriate and distance is absolutely required.

Crikey - the comments and singing his name in the garden. Yikes.

@Zandathepanda

I don’t know if alcoholism is similar to dementia but it’s definitely the language you get at care homes. Where people don’t ‘mean’ it. Dementia can take a long time to develop to the stage where it’s undeniable. Inappropriate sexual stuff and regressing into child-like behaviour can be typical. Could you ask the wife what support she’s getting as you are concerned about his behaviour - gives her an excuse to tell the truth too. As others have said, the alarming alternative could also be true. So tell her you know she’s aware he’s language is inappropriate so you have to put your son first.

This is true but in my clinical experience there are people who DO mean it. The dementia takes away the lifelong self control and it can end badly. yes alcohol kills off brain cells just like dementia, head injuries and stroke. Argh and I voted wrong YADNBU I am not being alarmist, I wouldn't say oh move instantly but I do think you need to model to your son that these neighbours are not to be trusted. My suggestion would be to make clear to BOTH of them that you don't want your son to be spoken to in this way and if that means rudeness then so be it. I think @Zandathepanda's suggestion of talking privately to his wife is a good one if you can manage it but if you can't then the police or social services, either of whom may already have him on record.

I wouldn't want him anywhere near my child. It's creepy AF

Those sleep with/bed/all night comments are way beyond normality, and cross a boundary that would guarantee my child was never alone with them and that Mr Jones was never allowed any physical contact.

Ever since my son arrived, they have been doting over him.
Inviting him over, giving him food, playing with him.

Sweet; except that Mr clearly has an abnormal attachment to Josh, so all their friendly overtures to you and DH, could potentially be grooming by a paedophile. It's not just the child who is groomed into a state of trust and affection.

Yeah I'd move.

@musicalfrog

I wonder how much your house is worth? Might be an idea to check that out OP.

Absolutely agree with this...

Enough red flags for a street parade. Their boundaries are way off. Probably to do with the drinking problem.

*The comments all revolve around taking your child to bed. Please. don't. be. polite.

Be RUDE be a bitch. fucking death stare that cunt.
Ignore them and if they ask why say I don't like the comments you have made about my child so leave us alone or I will report you to the police again. Watch him squirm. Sicko.*

I strongly agree with this part of a pp comment. I'm not sure if you're a people pleaser or feel obliged to take your son round just because it makes them happy or whatever but you literally don't owe these people anything. You don't need to take him round but they have no grandkids of their own etc. You need to be firm here and cut all contact. May be difficult living next to each other but I'm not sure how you've tried to make excuses for what he meant in regards to the bed comment. Take that shit at face value. He said what he meant and meant what he said. Please put your child first