to feel weird about my neighbour's comments about my son?

[pizzaallday]

Hello,

I have a 16 month old and our neighbours are a married couple in their fifties.

They have three children, 26,28 and 32 and no grandchildren yet.

Ever since my son arrived, they have been doting over him.

Inviting him over, giving him food, playing with him.

We never leave him alone with them, either one of us or both of us is with him when he's invited over.

On the one hand I have absolutely no problem with them being so close to my son. The husband suffers from depression and doesn't work anymore and the wife has to work two jobs. They don't have it easy so I can understand how a toddler can bring light and joy to someone's life.

Let's call this couple Mr and Mrs Smith and my son is called Josh (names changed).

There are just some comments Mr Smith makes occasionally that I find cringeworthy.

For example:

• He said when he was playing with him: "Oh Josh, I want to go to bed with you"

• They knocked on our door in the evening and he said "Josh, I want to spend all night with you"

• Last time we were at their house Mr Smith was playing with Josh. He then made a sawing motion at his ear and said: "I want to cut off your ear and make bacon off it".

• The other day my husband left the house in the evening, because he had to go somewhere. Mr Smith was outside his house and he asked my husband: "Are you going to pick up Josh? (we send him to a childminder)" "I will come with you!"

• Usually I pick him up from the childminder in the evening. When I arrive back home, Mr Smith usually sits in his car, because he has to pick up his wife from work. When he sees Josh, he either pulls his window down to shout his name or comes out to interact with him

• Mr Smith has an alcohol problem as well. He drinks every evening, usually whiskey. In summer, when it was still warm at night, we often sat in our living room and heard Mr Smith singing in in the garden. It was obvious he was drunk and he was singing my son's name 😳 That has stopped now, either because it's too cold outside or perhaps because his wife asked him to drink less.

His wife always is very embarrassed when her husband makes those comments to my son and says "He doesn't mean it".

I know the comments are made in a certain context and I don't think Mr Smith is a pedophile.

Still, they give me a bad feeling and I feel like he is crossing boundaries he shouldn't.

It's very hard for me to know whether I am being unreasonable or not.

On the one hand they are a lovely couple with lovely children and are nice neighbours that we get on well with.

On the other hand his comments give me the creeps.

AIBU to feel this way?

Don’t take chances. Even if the chance is only 0.01%, just don’t take chances,
I’d rather offend a 100 people by avoiding them.

Just avoid these people. Those comments are creepy. If they ask, say you are busy, don’t offer more explanation or engage with them.

That's really weird. But I'd agree that your son is not in any danger as you would never leave him unattended.

As a young child I was touched on my genitals by an older neighbour when my parent was in the room. So was my sibling.

And that is without the danger of the OP's son learning very strange boundaries indeed when it comes to what is acceptable for people to say to you as pp have explained so well.

This is a bad situation. But I wouldn't move. I would just cut all contact with this couple down to "hi lovely day isn't it" like most neighbours do. OP you don't owe these neighbours anything - access to your child, listening to their ramblings, nothing. They are nothing to you. treat them like that. nice nod and a wave when you see them and that's that.

It’s a no from me. Dial back all contact. Do not trust this neighbour. Create boundaries.

There’s nothing ‘grey’ about this situation. You’re an adult and it’s you’re responsibility to protect your child who, as you say, thinks all this is hilarious and can’t protect himself.

You don’t ‘try’ to distance yourself, you cut off all contact and make it blatantly clear that this man’s comments are unacceptable.

I feel like you’re worried about offending or upsetting them so you’re pussy footing around the issue but fuck that. Put your sons safety first.

Make it uncomfortable for them, who cares? Don’t normalise the way he speaks to your son or the way the wife minimises and enables it.

Imagine yourself 20 years from now and your son tells you that something happened with the neighbour when he was a little boy. You’d never ever forgive yourself. End it now.

How on earth did you get so closely involved with your neighbours that your son is part of their lives, honestly you really need to learn boundaries, neighbours are for saying hello to, commenting on the weather and tacking parcels in for each other, not for becoming surrogate aunties and uncles to your children.

I think your neighbour may be showing signs of early onset dementia. Just be wary about allowing him time alone with Josh.

Okay, I think I quickly read the thread before and missed the bit where the couple take Josh round to the couple's house (albeit with a parent). I'd agree that's way too much contact for someone making those kinds of comments and has taught Josh it is safe to go into their house. I'm of the opinion that it's better to maintain polite distance from neighbours in general in case you get yourself into a situation where you might need to move.

neighbours are for saying hello to, commenting on the weather and tacking parcels in for each other, not for becoming surrogate aunties and uncles to your children

How silly. I have the most fantastic neighbours - we are excellent friends and they will be godparents to my next child. They are not, however, making creepy and inappropriate comments and I don’t get a weird vibe from them.

neighbours are for saying hello to, commenting on the weather and tacking parcels in for each other, not for becoming surrogate aunties and uncles to your children

This is not true at all. Our neighbours are elderly retired teachers and amazing people who have always showed a keen interest in my DC and been very kind to him. He mowed their lawn and does errands for them and they invite us in for dinner and we spend every New Year with them. They are mid 70's

Why do you even need to ask, OP?! What you’ve reported in your post is full of red flags. I’d be keeping him the fuck away from my DC at all costs. Not only does the guy sound completely inappropriate but you need to teach your son healthy boundaries. Don’t be scared to offend them - your neighbours are clearly not that bothered about offending you!

We got back from Christmas tree shopping earlier.

We let our son sleep in his car seat in the car because we didn't want to wake him up. I was standing outside the car watching him.

My husband took the Christmas tree in and set it up.

Mr Smith came and joined me outside the car. I made small talk with him about the weather, his children and corona , hoping he would bored and f*ck off.

He was outside for about 20 minutes though, peeking through the car window, hoping my son would wake up.

It's only when his daughter was at the front door and gave us a strange look because her father wouldn't come in, he went back inside his house.

It's getting more and more awkward now 😭

Trust your instincts.

I had neighbours overly invested in my baby daughter. I fazed them out. I was polite but keeping them on the distance. Covid is your friend, make sure you use it wisely. Be this wired couple in face mask outside and keeping 2 meters distance as you are super worried about virus. That basically stopped their communication with us.

This man sounds really creepy. I would really distance yourselves from your neighbours from this point on; as others have said, you can use Covid as an excuse.

Look you need to be DIRECT. Tell him that his comments and obsession with your son is making you feel very uncomfortable.

Just say it.

Mr Smith came and joined me outside the car. I made small talk with him about the weather, his children and corona , hoping he would bored and f*ck off.

He was outside for about 20 minutes though, peeking through the car window, hoping my son would wake up

But why did it take you 20 minutes to end a conversation you didn't want to be having?

It does take practice to end unwanted conversations smoothly, but if you don't even try it, you'll never improve at it.

It might be worth looking at why it is you're so reluctant to set clear boundaries with this man and to examine why you're hanging out with him for 20 minutes against your will and against your better judgment.

Are you like this with everyone?

I don't know if you reading the posts warning you not to trust this man. I think @youvegottenminuteslynn has written it down very well

Her son is being taught that this man (and others who act the way he does) is a safe adult that his parents trust. He won't understand that this man is someone his parents would never intentionally leave him alone with. So if he was, for arguments sake, to say oh your mum said I should walk you home / your mum said you can come play in our garden OR this is our secret etc - her son will respond to all scenarios based on the idea that this is an adult who is safe and trusted by his parents.

He's in reality an alcoholic who makes incredibly inappropriate remarks even when the parents are present. At best. That's best case scenario.

Awkward? You're taking the piss OP.

Hi OP,
I understand that you feel you are in a difficult situation, but what will it take for you to stand up for your son?

How can you NOT be outraged that this drunken fool, who has caused you so much stress already, just plonks himself in your car, on your driveway, because he feels like it?

Practise saying a few lines in front of the mirror, if that helps, such as "No, I don't want you getting into my car"
"No, we won't be coming around for drinks and a chat"
"We don't want you going anywhere near our son's childminder".

You really need to start speaking up to shut this man down, and so does your husband!

I get the impression after 11 pages that OP is on the wind up, telling provocative negligent sounding stories to set people off sharing their own awful, real experiences with abusive, negligent parents. Awkward.

Yes this can't be real now. Why the hell are you you chatting to him about mundane crap when he's had thoughts about going to bed with your baby?

@OakRowan

I get the impression after 11 pages that OP is on the wind up, telling provocative negligent sounding stories to set people off sharing their own awful, real experiences with abusive, negligent parents. Awkward.

I am not sure where you got that from.

I came on here to ask for advice about a neighbour that I am concerned about.

Nothing more, nothing less.

At no point did I ask people to share stories of abuse. If they want to, they certainly can, but I never asked anyone to disclose personal trauma on this thread.

So you don't understand that what you keep posting, is negligent of your child and provocative to other people? Really what was the point in posting if you're not going to take any of the advice, other than to wind people up?

Nah he has nothing more to do with your child.

Your gut is screaming at you.

@pizzaallday

We got back from Christmas tree shopping earlier.

We let our son sleep in his car seat in the car because we didn't want to wake him up. I was standing outside the car watching him.

My husband took the Christmas tree in and set it up.

Mr Smith came and joined me outside the car. I made small talk with him about the weather, his children and corona , hoping he would bored and f*ck off.

He was outside for about 20 minutes though, peeking through the car window, hoping my son would wake up.

It's only when his daughter was at the front door and gave us a strange look because her father wouldn't come in, he went back inside his house.

It's getting more and more awkward now 😭

This is exactly when you should have told him he was making you uncomfortable and told him to stop watching your son. This is how children are abused by acquaintances because parents are too polite to stand up to them. You need to start protecting your son.