Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has got his priorities wrong hasn’t he??

459 replies

didihearthatright123456 · 18/12/2021 10:26

We have nearly 3 year old twins. Before they arrived DH really enjoyed running, he still goes running but obviously the amount he can do it has reduced quite a lot due to family commitments.

He still goes to parkrun every Saturday. He’s just returned and all of his (older/childless/with grown up children) friends have asked him to go for a Xmas morning run at 9am. He’s expected to be out of the house for approximately 90 minutes.

I’ve said absolutely not, that it’s completely inappropriate with 2 toddlers to abandon us on such an special day, when they’ll be so excited about their presents.

He’s gone off in a total huff and now I’m the baddie 🤬

So AIBU to say no he can’t go and to get his bloody priorities right

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 18/12/2021 11:21

[quote greenlynx]@icedcoffees we don’t know what was your mum’s opinion about this, also in some circumstances entertaining one child, say 7 y.o, is much easier then coping with two 3 y.o.[/quote]
She was more than happy to send him off running actually, but then again, they never had a marriage (and we never had a family life) where we had to spend all day, everyday in each others' pockets on special occasions. Equally, she often went off and did her own thing for a couple of hours too :)

I appreciate in some ways, one child is easier than two, but in others, it's much easier to have multiples as they can entertain each other in a way.

I just don't think all these posts lambasting her DH as selfish is really very fair. Plenty of families do their own thing on Christmas Day for a few hours - it really is quite normal for many of us.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 18/12/2021 11:22

I run, cycle and swim. If I were a man mn would hate me. My dc are 10 and 13. When they were under 5, present opening would be done and dusted by 7.30 am, and I have been out for a run on Christmas Day, albeit alone. It is so important to remember that both parents are also on holiday. Could your dh keep it open, and go out if family circumstances on the morning allow?

diddl · 18/12/2021 11:22

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

I bet op doesn't want to miss 90 mins of her dc's Christmas...
Then she doesn't have to!
antisocialsocialclub · 18/12/2021 11:23

Let him go and next year organise to go off and do something yourself. Just so he gets it.

It’s always men isn’t it. Always men who want children but that’s ok as they’re not the ones ‘having’ (dealing) with the children. Want to be a father but then happy to fuck off every weekend cycling around in Lycra or going for a run on Christmas morning. I don’t know any woman that would go off running on Christmas morning if she had kids. Always the man, it’s like they want the children without the responsibility.

icedcoffees · 18/12/2021 11:23

@ItWasTheBestOfTimes

Im honestly baffled by PPs who would be happy with this and also want to negotiate their own 'personal time' on Christmas Day. We like our hobbies and down time but neither one of us would dream of missing a minute with the children whilst they are so little on Christmas day. It's one day during which children are awake 11/12 hours at most so there is plenty of time to wind down or run when they are asleep. If he wants to go running he should do it before the children wake. In my experience children that age don't wake up on Christmas Day any earlier than they would usually do.
And I'm genuinely baffled by the idea that everyone should spend the entire day together, no matter what.

Shock horror - we are all different and it's not wrong to want to spend a couple of hours alone on special occasions. It doesn't make you selfish or a narcissist or a shit parent, honestly it doesn't.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/12/2021 11:27

Its incredibly annoying that he has put you in the position of having to decide whether he goes for this run or not knowing that if you say no you will have a sullen, sulking man child to deal with all day who isn't engaging with the day because he can't have what he wants - much like one of the three year olds.
I'd put it right back in his court - don't make the decision for him, do what he's doing and say well it's your decision whether to ruin christmas for your family or not by going running, you decide what you want to do and refuse to discuss it again.
Honestly why can't men behave like adults just once instead of whiny little boys?

Theunamedcat · 18/12/2021 11:27

That's fine he gets to miss out on it all

Hazelnutbean · 18/12/2021 11:28

For those of you who would be ok with your DP going for a lengthy run on Christmas morning, would you be ok if he pissed off to the pub for 90 minutes on Christmas Day leaving you to look after two toddlers? Because I really don't see a difference.

If the answer is still 'yes', you really are a doormat!

JabNotInArm · 18/12/2021 11:29

I think it depends how hands on he is normally and how much he prioritises his family the other 364 days of the year. If he's great I'd want to give him the 90s mins. Sort of a Christmas gift. I'd want 90 mins later on!

As PPs have said, by 9am with a 3 year old we'd been up for 2.5 hrs, everything was open and we'd had brekko and we're getting dressed, prepping lunch, etc. It depends what the routine is in your house OP!

madisonbridges · 18/12/2021 11:30

I'm honestly baffled by PPs who would be happy with this and also want to negotiate their own 'personal time' on Christmas Day.

Christmas Day is intense. I think its lovely to have some time to take a shower, wash your hair and try out any presents you've got. You don't need to be with 3yos for 12 straight hours. Let them watch TV or try to kill each other while you have some time off doing stuff for you.

JabNotInArm · 18/12/2021 11:31

Imagine OP wanted to go out to do ANYTHING that wasn't focused on the twins/Christmas. I expect her husband would be flabbergasted. Ffs

If I wanted to go out and do something for myself for 90mins on Christmas Day, enough that I floated the idea to my DH I honestly can't imagine him saying No outright without some discussion and opportunity to see how we could accommodate it.

wizzywig · 18/12/2021 11:32

He is literally telling you what he thinks of his role in the family, and yours

JabNotInArm · 18/12/2021 11:33

However, he has shown you that you and the children are not a priority - running with his mates is his priority.

It's 90 mins out of 12+ hours and it's a run, not a boozy pub session or meal out with his friends. I hardly think it's fair to question his priorities without more context from the OP

dottiedodah · 18/12/2021 11:34

I wonder what he would say if you suddenly announced that you were "going for a bike ride,/ seeing chum for a coffee mince pie/ going jogging" Honestly its one day a year! Cant you compromise and say he could ask them to go for a run on Boxing Day instead? Thing is its supposed to be one hour ,but he will have to come home and freshen up. Thats all supposing he doesnt get talking as well!

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 18/12/2021 11:34

@Mischance

Seems fair enough to me, assuming that the children-opening-presents bit is over. Presumably he will be there for the rest of the day and joining in.
That's the height of that low bar, isn't it?

joining in

Pshaw!

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 18/12/2021 11:35

Sounds like Santa needs to bring him a double running buggy. Then he can enjoy his running and share the joy with twins and you can have a lie in. Win win.

Truthfully. I would be annoyed at DH. We do parkrun as a family (bought my DH a running bugging 3rd hand when DS was born. He's a triathlete m, parenting and training perfect!) we won't be doing Xmas park run though.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 18/12/2021 11:35

Do the other group members not have kids? That's my only though for someone organising a run on Christmas morning! Boxing day, new years day or the bank holidays, literally any other day but Christmas morning would be more appropriate!

mistermagpie · 18/12/2021 11:37

We've had a bit of back and forth about this in our house. My DH is a run director at parkrun and was proposing to go volunteer to run the event where he does it on Christmas Day. This takes way more time than just running as he has to coordinate volunteers, set up the event, supervise it and process the results. So probably a couple of hours first thing in the morning.

He pretty much asked my permission I suppose and I considered it briefly but we have three children aged 2,4 and 6 so total 'Santa' ages and I just didn't think it was fair. He was fine about it and completely understood my viewpoint. I love running too and have run on Christmas Day in the past, but while our children are so young I think the day should be about them.

I'm with you OP.

ItWasTheBestOfTimes · 18/12/2021 11:37

It's not the entire day though, 2 year olds are awake 12 hours at most in any given day, less if they nap. There is plenty of opportunity to go running, read a book or whatever you want to do in your downtime whilst they are asleep on special occasions. That's what we've always done anyway. It isn't fair for one parent to have downtime whilst they are awake leaving the other parent to do all parenting, clearing and cooking in addition to the downtime you both get when DC are in bed.

Somepup100 · 18/12/2021 11:39

I think it depends on how he is normally is. If he looks after the toddlers a lot so you can go out with your friends or exercising or so you can sleep or whatever and he only gets his weekly parkrun to himself and needs a break then I would tell him to enjoy himself and look after the DC by myself for a couple of hours. If you never get a moment and her is always off enjoying himself then it is different. We don't know which of you needs a break.

JabNotInArm · 18/12/2021 11:39

There's another thread on how low the bar is for Dads as opposed Mums, this is a good example. I grew up in the 70/80's when the men went to the pub and rolled home in time for dinner. Witnessing it continued the view that Mothers are the default full time parent, while men could pick up what they chose to and the women should be grateful.

I disagree. We do 50:50 - arguably my
DH does more factoring in the time he spends doing activities with our eldest at the moment while I'm breastfeeding, holding a sleeping babu watching Netflix etc. I would 100% entertain the idea of him doing something like this on Christmas day if he wanted to enough to ask

Glittertwins · 18/12/2021 11:39

Sorry, his priorities should be with his family, regardless. Toddler twins at Christmas is quite entertaining as they are old enough to get it but need a lot of supervision.

We've been there with twins and sporting activities. We both cut them back when they were so young and it was only when they got a lot older did we increase them.

Even now, neither of us go out at a time that would impact family time at a weekend - one of us goes out whilst they are still in bed

SquirrelFan · 18/12/2021 11:40

@tttigress That's all out the window when you have kids.

Wopies · 18/12/2021 11:40

I have a three year old and I know that all the Xmas presents will be opened by then but I would not want to be left alone to get stressed trying to prep food, get myself and DC ready, entertain her etc. By the time DH is back you'll feel pissed off and resentful on Xmas day.

thenightsky · 18/12/2021 11:41

@larkle

My local Park Run on Christmas Day is wonderful. Great atmosphere and very, very family friendly. Everyone wears Santa hats and costumes. My son, his wife AND their two year old will all be running. We go to watch and for the atmosphere. We have offered to look after our grandchild while they run but they have a running buggy and they want to run together. It is a really brilliant start to Christmas Day. Might you take your children to watch and to run around?
Yes, this. We are going to Xmas Day parkrun too - the whole family.