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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH has got his priorities wrong hasn’t he??

459 replies

didihearthatright123456 · 18/12/2021 10:26

We have nearly 3 year old twins. Before they arrived DH really enjoyed running, he still goes running but obviously the amount he can do it has reduced quite a lot due to family commitments.

He still goes to parkrun every Saturday. He’s just returned and all of his (older/childless/with grown up children) friends have asked him to go for a Xmas morning run at 9am. He’s expected to be out of the house for approximately 90 minutes.

I’ve said absolutely not, that it’s completely inappropriate with 2 toddlers to abandon us on such an special day, when they’ll be so excited about their presents.

He’s gone off in a total huff and now I’m the baddie 🤬

So AIBU to say no he can’t go and to get his bloody priorities right

OP posts:
antisocialsocialclub · 19/12/2021 10:53

He's dumping them on you because he finds it hard - well tough. He needs to learn to cope

I really think if bringing children up was the sold responsibility of men then the population numbers would take a battering.

Not saying there isn’t good competent men out there as there obviously is but so many men just shirk their responsibilities, just wanting to be the Disney Dad.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 19/12/2021 10:53

It's 90 minutes.

Did you really sit down with him, calculate the time he'll be out and refuse to approve his activity?

Snowmanuel · 19/12/2021 10:57

Why is it ‘suffocating’ to want your husband to spend Christmas morning with you and your three year old twins? So many ‘cool’ posters on these threads. 😂

MagpiePi · 19/12/2021 11:02

@didihearthatright123456

Ok after my initial rage I’ve just been to speak to him. I’ve told him that come 8.30am, once the girls have opened their presents, if he feels that it is ok/appropriate to go and leave us then he should go, but the decision will be on him.

After his huge strop he’s now backtracking massively & saying that maybe I have a point (you think 🤔)

I just really object to being left alone, as it won’t just be 90 minutes, it will be the time he needs to shower (and feckin stretch) and the responsibility will again fall on me to get everyone sorted

How is he going to be spending 90 minutes out of the house ?? As you say, it won't be just 90 minutes will it though with showering and stuff afterwards. Are they planning a 10k, as Parkrun is 5k and takes about 30 minutes. Or a quick jog then an hour in the pub or cafe? I'd be fuming if it was that!

Maybe he was on a bit of a runner's high when he first suggested it, but has now reconsidered with a normal head?

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 19/12/2021 11:05

Boxing day would be better, burn off xmas day and you can chill & eat xmas leftovers for breakfast and watch a disney with the kids

icedcoffees · 19/12/2021 11:07

@Snowmanuel

Why is it ‘suffocating’ to want your husband to spend Christmas morning with you and your three year old twins? So many ‘cool’ posters on these threads. 😂
Because many people do find it suffocating to spend all day indoors with small children - it's why so many threads on here advocate parents taking time to themselves for fresh air, peace and quiet.

Why should Christmas Day be an exception to that?

IMO it is suffocating to expect the entire family to spend the whole day together, but I appreciate that's personal opinion. I was raised in a family where I was often on a totally different continent from one of my parents on Christmas Day, though Grin

My Christmas wasn't any less magical, fun or amazing because my parents took time out for themselves for part of Christmas morning!

RJnomore1 · 19/12/2021 11:08

I’m not laughing at the op either, btw.

rookiemere · 19/12/2021 11:09

A reminder to all that the OPs posts can be seen quickly by tapping in the funnel at the right hand side. In summary:

  1. It is NOT parkrun.

  2. It is a bunch of friends running for a minimum of 5 miles, with a 20 minute drive there and back. 90 minutes seems like a rather small estimate for how long he's likely to be gone for.

  3. The OP generally encourages her DH to do parkrun and get exercise, so maybe just maybe if she doesn't want him to do it on this one occasion, she might be listened to.

rookiemere · 19/12/2021 11:10

And if the DH wants a run he can absolutely have one - from the door and at a convenient time for everyone, so it can be much more time boxed than what he's planning.

ALittleOldLadyTookInHerGoat · 19/12/2021 11:12

Boxing Day morning would be more appropriate!

Snowmanuel · 19/12/2021 11:13

Nah, don’t buy it, I just think posters want to be dicks to the OP.

Let’s say it’s a group of accomplished runners, who knock out 8-minute miles (generous) : 20 minutes there, 20 minutes back, forty minutes running, 15 minutes getting layered up, warmed up and chatting, half an hour ‘buzzing’ afterwards and chatting. That’s easily two hours-plus. I think that’s a bit shit and I’m an obsessed runner.

Go Boxing Day. Sorted. It’s a day that generally has no catering obligations.

melj1213 · 19/12/2021 11:46

I think YABU - it's 90 minutes at a time when two three year olds are likely to be done with present opening and are now either engrossed in their new toys, happy in front of Christmas morning TV or are ready for some quiet time.

Just because it is Christmas Day doesn't mean you have to be together for the whole waking time. I think the fact that you are older parents means that the other runners haven't factored in small children to their Christmas morning run idea, as most other 50yo parents will have older children, but it also shouldn't mean your DH has to miss out all together either.

Perhaps a compromise can be made - a shorter run; he is responsible for any prep the night before; certain things need to be done before he leaves for his run; OP getting a couple of hours either later in the day or on Boxing Day etc - so that everyone gets to be happy on Christmas Day.

Its 90 mins when the lounge floor is covered in wrapping paper, dinner probably needs to start being prepped and there the breakfast stuff that needs washing too as well as getting the kids ready brushing hair and making sure their teeth are cleaned.

Jfc it's Christmas Day, why are all of these things suddenly top priority for those specific 90 mins? If there is one day when normal schedules go out of the window it is Christmas Day.

Two 3 year old will have been up well before 9am so just clear up the wrapping paper as you go and it won't become an arduous 90 minute task.

Every Christmas picture from my childhood features a bulging black bin bag somewhere in the background, part of the present opening included either a parent, me or one of my siblings doing a quick sweep of wrapping paper between rounds of presents.

Dinner prep that is essential can either be done the night before, can be prepped together a bit later, or can be done when the kids are in front of the TV for half an hour.

What elaborate breakfast do you have at Christmas that requires significant clearing up? In my house growing up we'd eat selection boxes at about 6.30/7am during the present opening and then we'd be done by about 8am when mum might make bacon sandwiches or we'd have Christmas crumpets, croissants/pain au chocolate or just our bog standard cereal or toast, none of which required more than a few side plates/bowls being washed up which took 5/10 minutes at most.

As for getting ready ... why does it have to be done at 9am and why is it a massively arduous task? Getting dressed takes minutes and, unless you're going out, with 3 year olds I would have thought that leaving them to get dressed until later would ensure any Christmas outfits were less likely to get ruined or dirty ... since the OPs DH will need to shower and get dressed after his run then he could also be responsible for getting the children showered and dressed at the same time. When DD was a toddler, getting her dressed was practically the last thing we did before leaving the house so that we could have a chance of getting to my parents for dinner and have her Christmas dress still be clean and unstained by chocolate/dirty marks.

One of the best bits of Christmas when I was a kid was staying in our PJs playing with our new toys and/or watching Christmas TV all morning until about 10.30am when we would get dressed in our new Christmas outfits and dad would take us to our paternal grandparents house (where Santa had always left us a few gifts too) so my mum could have a couple of hours peace to sit with a cup of coffee, have a relaxing bath and start the dinner without us getting in the way and then we would be back just in time to entertain my maternal grandparents as they arrived for Christmas dinner.

Hair and tooth brushing again takes a couple of minutes - by 3 my DD could brush her own teeth and hair, I would just give her teeth a quick once over after her effort and style her hair if needed - but tbh on Christmas Day morning tooth brushing was not highest priority (I always made sure DDs teeth were brushed before bed on Christmas Day as a minimum)

Heartofglass12345 · 19/12/2021 12:05

I'm glad you told him it was on him to decide what to do, it does make you seem the unreasonable bad guy saying no he can't go when he was unreasonable for asking in the first place. I don't know many people with young children who would want to leave them on Christmas morning (and don't get me started on the 'men' going to the pub at lunchtime leaving the women to do everything Hmm)

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 19/12/2021 12:28

@Dozer

HoardingSamphireSaurus: your post was just nasty: calling other posters with different opinions ‘miserable fuckers’ whose tiny DC may, in future, have bad memories.
And?

That isn't quite what I wrote. But... if the cap fits!

TaraSiligel · 19/12/2021 12:29

It wouldn’t bother me. It’s only 90 mins. I would pour myself a drink, put my feet up, watch a movie and eat chocolates with the kids.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 19/12/2021 12:30

Good move OP.

His decision, not yours. And if he sees how poor his original decision making/demand was all the better.

Draggondragon · 19/12/2021 12:42

[quote Envoitrevisage]@Clymene

Social services typically take rather a dim view of parents leaving toddlers for hours while they go for a run or take a long bath.

Wtf? Yeah a dim view if you leave the kids alone. Social services couldn’t give a shit if you leave them with their parent!

So glad you are keeping up the responses @icedcoffees because I can keep nodding along! This is a batshit thread.[/quote]
Yes because they are soooo effective at child protection aren't they?

icedcoffees · 19/12/2021 13:11

@TaraSiligel

It wouldn’t bother me. It’s only 90 mins. I would pour myself a drink, put my feet up, watch a movie and eat chocolates with the kids.
Stop being sensible Grin
Glittertwins · 19/12/2021 13:14

@didihearthatright123456, glad it's all been sorted. DH here did a couple of Santa Dashes with our DTs in a buggy when they were that age - they loved it and it gives a better work out than just running solo

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 19/12/2021 14:18

I mean, let's be fair here, christmas day is just one day. The festive season is made up from the whole build up and time between Xmas and new year.
Memories can be made on any day you choose. Presents can be opened any day you choose. You can eat whatever you want whenever you want. We don't have to stick to a traditional Christmas setup.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 19/12/2021 14:35

Well, depends on what 9am is like at your house on CD! Sorry if I missed it but didn’t see your usual routine mentioned.

For us, that would be opening present time which tends to go on for an hour or so. So the worst time!

The only time that would be any good would be late afternoon…. but not sure that anyone would fancy a run after Christmas dinner!!

pictish · 19/12/2021 15:17

@UsernameInTheTown

He could go for the run but not bother coming back if you were me OP. Infact if that's his attitude towards you and the kids I'd tell him to jog on permanently anyway.
No you wouldn’t. It’s easy make sweeping statements about what you would do when it’s someone else’s marriage isn’t it?
gingerbiscuits · 19/12/2021 21:57

Sorry, but he sounds like a total dick for wanting to go running with his mates instead of spending Xmas morning with his undoubtedly adorable & excited 'not little for long so appreciate every second' children!! He needs a reality check!! Tell him to bloody go on Boxing Day instead if he's that twatting selfish!

toomuchlaundry · 20/12/2021 11:40

@TaraSiligel I wonder how that would work with hyper excited 3 year old twins!

JabNotInArm · 20/12/2021 13:05

A reminder to all that the OPs posts can be seen quickly by tapping in the funnel at the right hand side. In summary:

@rookiemere - Seen, thanks. Still don't agree with you

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