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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wtf do I do? [Content warning added by MNHQ - baby loss]

141 replies

Biscoffspread · 18/12/2021 01:28

I genuinely have no idea what to do about this. We had a still birth at full term last year, in November. The weekend we found out our baby had died my husbands twin brother announced they were pregnant, no heads up, no little message before hand. So they knew our baby had died and we were being induced on the Monday. And on the Saturday they announced they were having a baby and it was heartbreaking. Our baby was so longed for after 6 rounds of ivf. Anyway, I have birth to our baby girl and his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

Fast forward a year and they have a 6 month old baby. I've had a lot of therapy and we're tentatively thinking about starting trying again. The issue is Christmas

His younger brother and older sister will be there with their partners and the twin brother with his wife and baby will all be going to his parents

I am upset there will be A baby there but the difference is it's my nephew. Yes I'm devastated about not. Having our little girl here for her first Christmas. however our nephew is not our child and never would

The issue is my DH is devastated beyond words she's not here and he's worried that the nephew will paraded around to cause maximum pain. I can't seem to explain seeing his nephew at chrismas might make things better? He's so hurt he can't even talk about the pain his brother caused us without crying and he feels like Christmas will be ruined if we go there

Please help. What should i do? Do we have Christmas alone again ? First time because I'd just given birth and people wanted to give us space second because their is an Actual child causing him pain...

OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 18/12/2021 01:39

I'm so sorry.

Being a bereaved parent is the hardest thing in the world Flowers

I think you would be better sitting this Christmas out, or even just popping by early or late when the baby isn't likely to be there.

His brother and wife were completely insensitive to your situation and I would find that unforgivable.

Plan a day with just you two.

Sparklfairy · 18/12/2021 01:40

his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

That is disgusting and unforgiveable imo.

It doesn't sound like DH wants to go at all, and I wouldn't want to either. I have no idea how seeing his nephew at Christmas would possibly make things 'better', considering the brother's behaviour afterwards!

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2021 01:41

I wouldn't want to ever see the twin brother again, let alone at Christmas. He sounds like a sociopath.

Georgy12 · 18/12/2021 01:43

Oh hon just don't go, I had a not dissimilar experience a few years ago and we forced ourselves to go along so the family wouldn't be upset and it was the worst thing we could have done, it was just as awful as we imagined it would be. Don't do it to yourself there's really no need. Stay home, be together and plan things you know you'll enjoy xxx

Wagamamasforlunch · 18/12/2021 01:48

Wow. That is disgusting behaviour from his twin brother. Unforgiveable.

thaegumathteth · 18/12/2021 01:50

Do the rest of the family know how the twin brother behaved? Honestly it's unforgivable and disgusting and there's not a hope if spend any time with them Let alone Christmas.

eveningbubble · 18/12/2021 02:03

do not go (maybe ever again with that lack of empathy) but yes make the decision tonight, lift the weight and do Christmas your own way.

Sarahplane · 18/12/2021 02:15

I wouldn't go, and I'm not sure I'd want to be around his brother again after his behaviour. Can you both spend Christmas with your own family? If not, try and have a nice day just the 2 of you. Do DH's family know how his twin behaved?

NotAnotherAlias · 18/12/2021 02:19

Don’t go. It’ll be miserable, your husband will definitely be upset and/or angry, you might be too. Your husband feels the way he does and he needs time to come to terms with those feelings, I don’t think trying to encourage him to do something he’s finding distressing just thinking about would help.

Their behaviour towards both of you has been truly appalling and selfish. I’m shocked and heartbroken for you both that they added insult to such a terrible injury.

Look after yourselves first and foremost. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Bubblty · 18/12/2021 02:19

I think as it's his family he has a kind of extra layer to the hurt? Everyone copes differently but he has the fact his twin has behaved hurtfully. Twin relationships are tricky things as it is.

I am so so sorry for your loss Flowers

Ellowyn · 18/12/2021 02:21

I'm so sorry.

I wouldn't go. His brother sounds horrible.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2021 02:24

...his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

Inexcusable and unforgivable. This monster would be cut out of my life, permanently.

MimiDaisy11 · 18/12/2021 02:37

I’m so sorry for what happened. I understand your husband not wanting to go.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 18/12/2021 02:48

I don't blame your husband for being concerned about this upcoming gathering. His brother sounds awful. What kind of person would announce their pregnancy 72 hours before their brother's wife was due to be induced to give birth to a still born? And then to ask for your baby things?! Words fucking fail me.

Obviously this person isn't going to be remotely sensitive to your situation, and may well actually intentionally rub it in.

I think you should support your DH on this one.

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 03:21

These people are utterly despicable.

Have Christmas with your DH.

Did you give him the things?

I’m sorry about the loss of your baby Flowers

Elbie79 · 18/12/2021 04:27

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

I'm so sorry.

Being a bereaved parent is the hardest thing in the world Flowers

I think you would be better sitting this Christmas out, or even just popping by early or late when the baby isn't likely to be there.

His brother and wife were completely insensitive to your situation and I would find that unforgivable.

Plan a day with just you two.

Agree with all of this.

I'm so sorry.

Well done that you are willing to be around babies, I know lots of people find that too hard. But if your DH isn't there yet I think you need to take it at his pace. If the situation was reversed you'd hope he'd do the same.

I must say I am fucking outraged at BIL's insensitivity. Absolutely horrendous.

Whataroyalannoyance · 18/12/2021 04:32

Do not go. It will destroy both of you mentally.
Go and be with friends. (fucking come to my house)
Your husband is grieving for your baby but I suspect he is also grieving for his relationship with his twin. What his brother did is extremely cruel and twisted and not something I would ever get past

Monty27 · 18/12/2021 04:41

I'm so sorry for your loss and this is a particularly hard time.
Don't do it to yourselves it's too much.
It's far too early days to even be expected to join in.
Keep close. Hug each other and do what comes your way.

Sunnysidegold · 18/12/2021 04:55

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this on top of what must be the worst thing you have gone through.

I think pps are right - make the decision now to spend time away from them at Christmas and then you can not have to worry about what awful thibg they will do at Christmas.

I feel speechless at them.asking for the items meanta for your precious child.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

filka · 18/12/2021 05:22

I think DH needs to have a quiet word with his parents about why you both won't be there this year.

readingismycardio · 18/12/2021 05:24

I am terribly sorry for your loss and sending unmumsnetty hugs ThanksCake

Honestly, I think it's better if you sit this one out. They've acted horribly, with no sense of empathy or moral compass.

As a pp said, are there any friends you can spend Christmas with? Hell, you can come to our house!

readingismycardio · 18/12/2021 05:24

@filka

I think DH needs to have a quiet word with his parents about why you both won't be there this year.
This with bells on. And the EXACT reason.
CiaoEB · 18/12/2021 05:44

I’m so sorry about the tragic loss of your beautiful much loved daughter. I’m absolutely furious by the brothers horrifying completely insensitive actions towards you both at such an unbearable time.

I can’t even imagine what you are both going through but absolutely don’t go if you don’t feel up to it. Just be really kind to yourselves and each other. Completely back away from the brother for as long as you need, don’t think twice about it.

I’m not sure if your husband is up for grief counseling but it might be helpful, I’d want to talk to someone professionally about his brother and their relationship.

shewillhaveherway · 18/12/2021 05:57

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your loved and longed for daughter. I cannot begin to comprehend the depth of your grief.

I normally have a degree of sympathy for people who discover they are expecting a baby soon after the loss of of a friend’s or family member’s loss, because I think it can be an invidious position. But your bil’s behaviour is entirely beyond the pale. He asked for some of your daughter’s belongings? I am so sorry. What an absolute pig.

Do his family know he has acted in this way? His wife?

I would do whatever suits you and your husband this Christmas. If you can face it, I would tell them why. Your poor husband - what pain to be caused by your own twin.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/12/2021 05:59

Your husband’s twin has behaved despicably. There is no coming back from asking for baby stuff from people suffering a harrowing bereavement. I totally agree with protecting your dh, and yourself of course.

I agree there is a conversation needing to be had. Have either you or he discussed what happened with his parents? Are your family supportive? Could you do something with them? Flowers

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