Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Wtf do I do? [Content warning added by MNHQ - baby loss]

141 replies

Biscoffspread · 18/12/2021 01:28

I genuinely have no idea what to do about this. We had a still birth at full term last year, in November. The weekend we found out our baby had died my husbands twin brother announced they were pregnant, no heads up, no little message before hand. So they knew our baby had died and we were being induced on the Monday. And on the Saturday they announced they were having a baby and it was heartbreaking. Our baby was so longed for after 6 rounds of ivf. Anyway, I have birth to our baby girl and his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

Fast forward a year and they have a 6 month old baby. I've had a lot of therapy and we're tentatively thinking about starting trying again. The issue is Christmas

His younger brother and older sister will be there with their partners and the twin brother with his wife and baby will all be going to his parents

I am upset there will be A baby there but the difference is it's my nephew. Yes I'm devastated about not. Having our little girl here for her first Christmas. however our nephew is not our child and never would

The issue is my DH is devastated beyond words she's not here and he's worried that the nephew will paraded around to cause maximum pain. I can't seem to explain seeing his nephew at chrismas might make things better? He's so hurt he can't even talk about the pain his brother caused us without crying and he feels like Christmas will be ruined if we go there

Please help. What should i do? Do we have Christmas alone again ? First time because I'd just given birth and people wanted to give us space second because their is an Actual child causing him pain...

OP posts:

gettingolderandgrumpy · 18/12/2021 08:15

I honestly wouldn’t go , they clearly are very insensitive, I can’t believe announcing the pregnancy after your still birth plus asking did the clothes.
I’m so sorry for your loss I really think you shouldn’t go .

friskybivalves · 18/12/2021 08:16

@friskybivalves

You read some truly shocking things on MN but this is about the most callous. May the memory of your beautiful baby girl be a blessing even though you had her for such a short time.

I'm interested to know how things have been with the family this past year, Biscoff. Has DH seen his twin at all or has it been near estrangement all this time? Because if things have been to all intents and purposes festering away, with a lot of grief and sadness being bottled up, hurt feelings are only going to come up and out at Christmas. It could be cathartic but it could easily end up in the most horrendous angry shouting match that will upset everyone who witnesses it.

I agree with other posters. Better to swerve a family get-together but suggest that if there are unresolved issues, perhaps the brothers need to sit down at a neutral time and talk them through?

Hoping you have a lovely 2022, OP, whatever you decide on the TTC front

I hit the flowers 💐 button OP 🙄 It even said

on the screen. Here, have some more. 💐💐🌸🌸 and once again look after yourself and DH first this Christmas.

PrivateHall · 18/12/2021 08:17

OP I felt sick reading that, you poor poor thing. What a shite way to behave

I wouldn't want to go either. Could you go out somewhere for dinner then pop in just for a short visit?

I think your DH needs to decide whether to try and move on or whether to go no contact, I wouldn't blame him for choosing the latter.

Good luck op and I really hope you manage to have a lovely Christmas

EishetChayil · 18/12/2021 08:20

Don't go. I cannot stress this strongly enough.

What you've gone through is unimaginable.

Drivingmisspotty · 18/12/2021 08:25

I’m struck that you mention you have had lots of therapy and that you are trying to make you DH understand that it might make him feel better to see his nephew. Has he had any counselling? It sounds like he is in a very different place to you. And that he might benefit from counselling too (not that he is wrong to be angry at his brother but just that he could get ‘stuck’ in that anger to his own detriment.)

I’d stay away this Christmas though. I don’t think now is the time to try and force a relationship with the nephew if your DH is not ready.

HaveringWavering · 18/12/2021 08:30

So, so sorry for your loss OP. Do the rest of the family know how the twin behaved?

HaveringWavering · 18/12/2021 08:34

Do you not have family on your side that you could spend Christmas with?

neverbeenskiing · 18/12/2021 08:36

I agree with PP that it would be best to stay away, and to make that decision sooner rather than later so you don't have the dilemma hanging over you. If you try to push your DH into seeing his nephew before he's ready and it doesn't go well then that could impact negatively on your relationship, and that's the last thing either of you need at an already difficult time.

Connfused · 18/12/2021 08:37

I'm so sorry to hear that your baby died. We all need different things when we are bereaved and it can be difficult to support your partner when your own grief is so acute.

Would it be possible to pop in for half an hour perhaps?

I felt very uncomfortable around babies after my own baby died and the best advice I had (regarding other babies) was "it isn't that baby's fault that your baby died" - as for the parents, don't be scared of gently letting them know how their actions or words have reinforced your pain. They may well be mortified at having caused additional pain.

I hope 2022 brings you happy news and events, until then, please be kind to yourself and your partner.

diddl · 18/12/2021 08:38

Bloody hell.

That is one of the most disgusting things that I have ever read.

Your husband is sadly probably not wrong about what might happen.

What a betrayal by his brother.

Festivemoose · 18/12/2021 08:43

I would never, ever forgive my brother if he did this to me. He would would be out of my life.

I’m so sorry OP. I really hope happier times are ahead for you x

Hoppinggreen · 18/12/2021 08:45

I’m so sorry for your loss.
If it’s your a DHs family then I think you have to be led by him, if he doesn’t want to go there for Christmas then you need to respect that.

Toastmost · 18/12/2021 08:45

I'd not go, they're his family and if he doesn't feel ready I'd respect that to be honest.

his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

This is fucking abhorrent.

deathofastrawberry · 18/12/2021 08:48

@TaraSiligel

This is what I would do:

Don't go.
Have a lovely Christmas at home.
Start IVF again in the New Year.

This. I don't think I could face them after the way they behaved, so insensitive. The cheek of asking for some of your baby things as well - completely unforgivable. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you have both been through. Focus on each other this Christmas and make it a peaceful one at home. You've had a tough year so it's completely understandable not to go. Look after yourself and don't worry about anybody else. Sending love xxx

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 18/12/2021 08:50

his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

He is insensitive beyond belief. He will not be sensitive to you or your DH over Christmas. I would take a quiet day with each other instead.
to you and DH.

Workinghardeveryday · 18/12/2021 08:52

I am so sorry for your loss xx.

Don’t go, you will both be happier at home. His brother sounds horrible.

Dwrcegin · 18/12/2021 08:53

and his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

What a callous, arsehole he is. So, so utterly thoughtless, it must have been so bloody painful for you both. I don't think I could be around him at any point, let alone Christmas. If his parents and wife don't know I'd be telling them.

Whatever you decide for Christmas OP, I wish you the best

Comingup · 18/12/2021 08:54

Don't go. You don't need to put yourself through that.
What on earth is wrong with his brother? Does he have form for behaving in such a callous way ( though I'm sure this is worse than anything he had done prior) What is your DH rest of family like? Actually it should be DH brother not going, rather than you missing out. Horrendous.

sandgrown · 18/12/2021 08:57

Not defending what the brother did but he was between a rock and a hard place . They were probably waiting to announce the pregnancy when your poor baby died. There would never have been a good time to tell you so maybe they just thought they should do it as soon as possible. Very insensitive to ask for the baby things though. Maybe stay away this year . Best wishes and all the luck for 2022xx

OwlinaTree · 18/12/2021 08:58

So sorry for your loss. We've been there. I think the worst experiences for us were when people announced their pregnancy with no consideration, once we were at a wedding and just had to smile and say congratulations.

Some people just have no idea how hard that is after a still birth.

Your in laws sound pretty insensitive. I can't imagine that will be any more sensitive to your feelings on the day. They will be excited about their baby's first Christmas, as they should be.

I'd give it a miss tbh. I really hope this time next year you have the family you are hoping for.

Blankscreen · 18/12/2021 08:59

How could anyone be that mean and heartless

Have his parents and sisters not checked in with how you are feeling about everything or is it just assumed you'll go along and play happy families.

If you go it may kick off and then you poor dh could be blamed for ruining the nephews first Christmas.

You dh need to have it out with his brother but it on Christmas day

Let the rest of the family know (or just his parents) why you aren't going and have a day together

Gargellen · 18/12/2021 09:00

@Aquamarine1029

...his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

Inexcusable and unforgivable. This monster would be cut out of my life, permanently.

This.

Fucks sake what is wrong with some people? He sounds like my sister. Every single situation is an opportunity for her to gain something. It's frigging pathological.

supersop60 · 18/12/2021 09:06

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Put yourselves first, and don't go.
for 2022 being better for you.

threebillboards · 18/12/2021 09:07

Don't go. Say you have been pinged and need to isolate. I'm so sorry for you, it is devastating to lose a baby at term.

Blankscreen · 18/12/2021 09:09

I am still shocked at what an utter arsehole your dh's twin is

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6