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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wtf do I do? [Content warning added by MNHQ - baby loss]

141 replies

Biscoffspread · 18/12/2021 01:28

I genuinely have no idea what to do about this. We had a still birth at full term last year, in November. The weekend we found out our baby had died my husbands twin brother announced they were pregnant, no heads up, no little message before hand. So they knew our baby had died and we were being induced on the Monday. And on the Saturday they announced they were having a baby and it was heartbreaking. Our baby was so longed for after 6 rounds of ivf. Anyway, I have birth to our baby girl and his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

Fast forward a year and they have a 6 month old baby. I've had a lot of therapy and we're tentatively thinking about starting trying again. The issue is Christmas

His younger brother and older sister will be there with their partners and the twin brother with his wife and baby will all be going to his parents

I am upset there will be A baby there but the difference is it's my nephew. Yes I'm devastated about not. Having our little girl here for her first Christmas. however our nephew is not our child and never would

The issue is my DH is devastated beyond words she's not here and he's worried that the nephew will paraded around to cause maximum pain. I can't seem to explain seeing his nephew at chrismas might make things better? He's so hurt he can't even talk about the pain his brother caused us without crying and he feels like Christmas will be ruined if we go there

Please help. What should i do? Do we have Christmas alone again ? First time because I'd just given birth and people wanted to give us space second because their is an Actual child causing him pain...

OP posts:

ElevenOG · 18/12/2021 06:07

Go no contact, the brother sounds like an absolute heartless prick. People like that don't change. I know because my brother behaved very similarly in my very similar situation.

CrazylazyJane · 18/12/2021 06:16

I'm with your husband. Do not go. It is his family, so I think he gets to have the final say on how he does or does not celebrate with them. I'm so sorry for your loss.

FreeBritnee · 18/12/2021 06:23

Spending Christmas with these relatives sound like an exercise in huge emotional pain, so personally I would t.

Mintyt · 18/12/2021 06:37

I can feel the sadness in your post, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your baby, we all grieve in our own way and heal in our on time. I think you both should explain your hurt to the family, and if possible drop by at some point and leave when you want too,

NotMaryWhitehouse · 18/12/2021 06:43

His brother what now???

I would never speak to or see him again, I cannot imagine how that conversation even came about.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss, you've both been through so much.

mistermagpie · 18/12/2021 06:44

Don't go, don't do it to yourself. They behaved unforgivably when you had just lost your child, I don't know that I could ever speak to them again. Hats off to you both for still maintaining a relationship but I think this might be a step too far for you and your DH.

girlmom21 · 18/12/2021 06:47

Your DH definitely isn't ready yet. Do you have family you both could go to instead? Or could you have a completely stress-free day just the two of you? Go out for dinner, come home and watch your favourite films cuddled up etc.

Christmas is about being with those who mean the most to you. That's definitely not his prick of a brother.

Singlebutmarried · 18/12/2021 06:50

While there was never going to be a ‘good’ time for them to announce their pregnancy the asking for your baby equipment was plain heartless.

Given that they obviously give zero shites about you or you DH I would not be going. Probably not ever again.

LetsHearIt · 18/12/2021 07:05

Oh gosh @Biscoffspread I am so sorry to hear this. This is utterly heartbreaking and I'm so sorry this happened.
From what you've said so far, I wouldn't go. It's perfectly ok for you both not to go.
It sounds like his brother and partner haven't been sensitive at all so far and I wouldn't imagine they'd start now.
You and your DH - just focus on taking care of yourselves and looking after each other.
If going there for Christmas is too painful, don't put yourselves through it. Put yourselves first here.

Thelikelylass · 18/12/2021 07:14

Hello OP that's very hard for you both. Stay home and comfort each other, make the day good for you. You need to rest and plan for the coming year. Hope 2022 is a good one for you both.

Worldwide2 · 18/12/2021 07:14

@Biscoffspread Omg iv read some horrible things but this is just so callous and vile. I don't think you should go at all. I think you will regret it and it sounds like your dh is not ready at all for an interaction with them. His brother has been beyond insensitive and cruel I think. I think that baby will definitely be paraded around. Plan something for you and your husband. Pamper yourselves you deserve it.
So sorry for your loss 💐

Pinkypenguin · 18/12/2021 07:25

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Your BiL's behaviour was unspeakable. There are absolutely no circumstances in which his behaviour is in any way acceptable.

What did his parents say? Did no one tell him he was out of line?

Your poor husband. It must make the pain infinitely worse that his family have been so insensitive. I can quite understand why he wouldn't want to go.

If his parents have been supportive, couldn't you get together with them on a different day? If they haven't been, I think it's best for your husband not to see them at all. It would only make him feel even more alone in his grief.

teateaandcoffee · 18/12/2021 07:25

op, I think if it were me I wouldn’t go. That’s incredibly painful and insensitive of them and I would also be devastated.
I would potential explain to them briefly why you’re not going. It sounds like they are completely clueless.

offtothebeach · 18/12/2021 07:26

Definitely don't go. If it's too difficult to explain why, just say you don't feel well. You do not owe anyone anything.

TaraSiligel · 18/12/2021 07:29

This is what I would do:

Don't go.
Have a lovely Christmas at home.
Start IVF again in the New Year.

Medievalist · 18/12/2021 07:35

Your dh doesn't sound in a strong enough place mentally to deal with this. Stay at home.

ChaToilLeam · 18/12/2021 07:45

Don’t go. Your BIL has behaved unforgivably and I think it’s right that your DH gets to decide here that he does not want to see him. It sounds like you do not want to be just the two of you for Christmas, but could you see other family or supportive friends?

ThirdElephant · 18/12/2021 07:49

I agree with PP- don't go.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 18/12/2021 07:53

You don't have to go.

Don't put pressure on yourself to do something you're not ready for. There will be other Christmases where you will be in a better place.

Ostryga · 18/12/2021 07:57

You do not have to put other people’s wishes before you and your husband’s happiness and sanity.

Don’t go. Have a Christmas just you and make it special. I am so sorry about your daughter. It is a pain I would not wish on anyone x

Mumoftwo1990 · 18/12/2021 07:58

@Biscoffspread

Fast forward a year and they have a 6 month old baby. I've had a lot of therapy and we're tentatively thinking about starting trying again. The issue is Christmas

His younger brother and older sister will be there with their partners and the twin brother with his wife and baby will all be going to his parents

Don't go, fake having a sickness bug or something like that.

MindyStClaire · 18/12/2021 07:59

I never advise NC on here, but I don't think I could look at them again. Not for a long time anyway.

Don't go. Protect yourselves. Make sure your parents know why.

Wonnle · 18/12/2021 07:59

@Aquamarine1029

...his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

Inexcusable and unforgivable. This monster would be cut out of my life, permanently.

Same here

PenguinBarnotBird · 18/12/2021 08:11

@Pinkypenguin

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Your BiL's behaviour was unspeakable. There are absolutely no circumstances in which his behaviour is in any way acceptable.

What did his parents say? Did no one tell him he was out of line?

Your poor husband. It must make the pain infinitely worse that his family have been so insensitive. I can quite understand why he wouldn't want to go.

Second this.

Do the rest of the family know how despicably the twin has behaved? Has he been called out on his incredibly insensitive actions? Are their other siblings aware of what twin has done?

friskybivalves · 18/12/2021 08:12

You read some truly shocking things on MN but this is about the most callous. May the memory of your beautiful baby girl be a blessing even though you had her for such a short time.

I'm interested to know how things have been with the family this past year, Biscoff. Has DH seen his twin at all or has it been near estrangement all this time? Because if things have been to all intents and purposes festering away, with a lot of grief and sadness being bottled up, hurt feelings are only going to come up and out at Christmas. It could be cathartic but it could easily end up in the most horrendous angry shouting match that will upset everyone who witnesses it.

I agree with other posters. Better to swerve a family get-together but suggest that if there are unresolved issues, perhaps the brothers need to sit down at a neutral time and talk them through?

Hoping you have a lovely 2022, OP, whatever you decide on the TTC front

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