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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wtf do I do? [Content warning added by MNHQ - baby loss]

141 replies

Biscoffspread · 18/12/2021 01:28

I genuinely have no idea what to do about this. We had a still birth at full term last year, in November. The weekend we found out our baby had died my husbands twin brother announced they were pregnant, no heads up, no little message before hand. So they knew our baby had died and we were being induced on the Monday. And on the Saturday they announced they were having a baby and it was heartbreaking. Our baby was so longed for after 6 rounds of ivf. Anyway, I have birth to our baby girl and his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

Fast forward a year and they have a 6 month old baby. I've had a lot of therapy and we're tentatively thinking about starting trying again. The issue is Christmas

His younger brother and older sister will be there with their partners and the twin brother with his wife and baby will all be going to his parents

I am upset there will be A baby there but the difference is it's my nephew. Yes I'm devastated about not. Having our little girl here for her first Christmas. however our nephew is not our child and never would

The issue is my DH is devastated beyond words she's not here and he's worried that the nephew will paraded around to cause maximum pain. I can't seem to explain seeing his nephew at chrismas might make things better? He's so hurt he can't even talk about the pain his brother caused us without crying and he feels like Christmas will be ruined if we go there

Please help. What should i do? Do we have Christmas alone again ? First time because I'd just given birth and people wanted to give us space second because their is an Actual child causing him pain...

OP posts:

Rrrob · 18/12/2021 13:28

I’m sorry about your little girl. Baby loss is a shitty club. This will be our third year without dd1.

I’m going to say something terrible now. I found things easier once we’d had another baby (well two, we had twins). Of course the pain is still there, but until they were born I avoided all social situations where there was potential for me to be even sadder than I already was/ be reminded of what I was missing. In your shoes I would miss the Christmas and focus on you and DH. Frankly your BIL sounds like a moron and totally insensitive, and it is likely he will do something equally insensitive again at Christmas.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 18/12/2021 13:36

OP, do you want to tell us avoid your baby? What was her name? Did you her to hold her? She was a real person and your little love. I am so sorry that you’ve had a hard time. Life is cruel and so is your BIL.

Swisscheeseleaves · 18/12/2021 13:44

I would never forgive them for what they did and certainly wouldn't want to be around them at Christmas. I'm so sorry for your loss.

beautifullymad · 18/12/2021 13:51

Don't go my lovely, you and your husband need time. This situation is tragic and so difficult.

Just concentrate on you and your husband. Others can wait. You both need to be in a stronger place before family gatherings. It's just not worth the hurt or the pain.

The family sound pretty insensitive. They are unlikely to take your grief into consideration.

Plan your day, nice breakfast and maybe a walk, a cuddle on the sofa watching some movies. Don't give the family gathering a second thought.

Make polite apology and turn your phones off.

Daffodil21 · 18/12/2021 13:58

Gosh, I can't believe how anyone could behave like that. I am also so very sorry for your loss.

I'm actually angry on your behalf that you/your DH feel you should miss out being with family on Christmas Day because of his insensitive brother. Could you have a chat with his parents and time it so you can go when his brother isn't there? And tell them why, and if it means the brother is there less time than they intended then so bloody be it. he cannot expect to behave like that and get to carry on as normal, when he's treated you both like that and you've been through so much. It sounds like you don't want to spend Christmas with just the two of you again, why the F should you miss out?? He should stay away for a bit so you can be with family without having his baby paraded around in front of you. I'm guessing there won't be any sensitivity there, or even any awareness to be honest.

HeyFloof · 18/12/2021 14:03

No, I wouldn't go. I'm sort of hoping our after Christmas plans with family will be cancelled in case there's a pregnancy announcement.

Your DHs brother is a disgrace, and not someoid ever be willing to spend time with ever again.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby girl, and all that you have been through.

LowlandsAway · 18/12/2021 14:19

My god, I don’t think I’ve ever read something so thoroughly disgusting - your child died and he asked you for her clothes. I am so, so sorry - completely agree with your DH - have a cosy one without the stress and upset of seeing this repulsive person again, and I would definitely be telling DH parents exactly why.

God, I’m so sorry

Original poster

Biscoffspread · 19/12/2021 02:38

Wow thank you for the amazing response. I think I will tell my Mil what has gone on, she keeps asking what the issue is; I don't think she knows.. I will support dh and I think we'll do Christmas alone this year. Thank you for giving me some clarity and I really am sorry for upsetting anyone. I didn't think to add a content warning.

OP posts:

Original poster

Biscoffspread · 19/12/2021 02:40

I'm going to order booths Christmas food and fuck tons of cheese. We can start our own traditions

OP posts:

Paperyfish · 19/12/2021 05:33

I’m so sorry about your baby. We lost our first at term too. My dh’s cousin had their baby a week later. I couldn’t bring myself to meet that baby for a very long time- it was too hard, and they had been nothing but supportive and thoughtful. Have a peaceful Christmas at home instead.

Hellokittyninja · 19/12/2021 06:32

I am sorry for your loss. I lost a baby that was due on Christmas Day over ten years ago. Shortly afterwards my sister announced another ‘accidental’ pregnancy. It still hurts and we still spend Christmas Day alone. Sending you all the love x

SpookyScarySkeletons · 20/12/2021 22:58

@Biscoffspread

I'm going to order booths Christmas food and fuck tons of cheese. We can start our own traditions

Now this is an excellent idea. A fuckton of cheese!

Seriously though I will be thinking of you both, I have lost a baby before but very early stages. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to have gone through what you and your DH have been through.

StucklnAChimneyCantGetOutOflt · 20/12/2021 23:10

I am sorry for your loss OP
I think you have made the right call.

I would say to MIL: Sorry we won't be coming - your son is still raw over the loss of your granddaughter. He hasn't got over [arsehole twin] announcing [name of nephew] literally two days before I was due to give birth then asking for her things. He needed time to grieve then, he needs it now.

Take care of yourself OP. Sending love and strength Xx

BeaLola · 20/12/2021 23:47

@StucklnAChimneyCantGetOutOflt

I am sorry for your loss OP

I think you have made the right call.

Take care of yourself OP. Sending love and strength Xx

Exactly this

I am so very very sorry about your baby daughter.

There are no words for your BIL. He should be ashamed - utterly ashamed.

Apart from your hamper and tonnes of cheese I recommend a champagne cocktail to toast each other and I shall be wishing you all the luck for 2022 , God Bless

Saoirse82 · 21/12/2021 06:00

Jesus christ, this is one of the worst things I've read on here. His brother is an absolute piece of shit.
I'm so so sorry for your loss OP, having gone through infertility myself and finally getting pregnant and spending the whole pregnancy a nervous wreck I can only imagine what you and your DH have been through. His brother is the lowest of the low, what a heartless bastard. I don't even know you and I'm so angry and upset on your behalf. Absolutely have Xmas just you and DH, you are still grieving and this sounds like it could be a massive trigger which is only natural.

Opus17 · 21/12/2021 06:43

I wouldn't go either, op. The twin brother sounds downright nasty.

Stay home and have a quiet Christmas together. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl ❤️

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