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Original poster

Wtf do I do? [Content warning added by MNHQ - baby loss]

141 replies

Biscoffspread · 18/12/2021 01:28

I genuinely have no idea what to do about this. We had a still birth at full term last year, in November. The weekend we found out our baby had died my husbands twin brother announced they were pregnant, no heads up, no little message before hand. So they knew our baby had died and we were being induced on the Monday. And on the Saturday they announced they were having a baby and it was heartbreaking. Our baby was so longed for after 6 rounds of ivf. Anyway, I have birth to our baby girl and his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

Fast forward a year and they have a 6 month old baby. I've had a lot of therapy and we're tentatively thinking about starting trying again. The issue is Christmas

His younger brother and older sister will be there with their partners and the twin brother with his wife and baby will all be going to his parents

I am upset there will be A baby there but the difference is it's my nephew. Yes I'm devastated about not. Having our little girl here for her first Christmas. however our nephew is not our child and never would

The issue is my DH is devastated beyond words she's not here and he's worried that the nephew will paraded around to cause maximum pain. I can't seem to explain seeing his nephew at chrismas might make things better? He's so hurt he can't even talk about the pain his brother caused us without crying and he feels like Christmas will be ruined if we go there

Please help. What should i do? Do we have Christmas alone again ? First time because I'd just given birth and people wanted to give us space second because their is an Actual child causing him pain...

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 18/12/2021 10:18

@Aquamarine1029

...his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

Inexcusable and unforgivable. This monster would be cut out of my life, permanently.

Agree, unless there was context e.g. OP's DH saying, "It's awful seeing our DD's things, but we don't know what to do with them".
happychristmasbum · 18/12/2021 10:18

So sorry OP Flowers

I would not expose myself to this level of additional pain at Christmas. Either tell them truthfully why you cannot go, or have covid symptoms.

Better times will be coming for you.

endofthelinefinally · 18/12/2021 10:26

It is 5 years since we lost our son. I don't do Christmas. My friends and family are very understanding and just accept it. Other times of the year I can manage to visit and mix with people, just not this time. It isn't up to anyone else to have an opinion or a say. If they haven't lost a child they have no idea.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Flowers

VickyEadieofThigh · 18/12/2021 10:27

I don't have children and so I can only try to imagine how you feel, OP.

But my feeling is that in your position, I wouldn't go and expose myself to further pain. The twin brother has already been grossly insensitive and I cannot see how this will do anything other than cause you further pain.

MzHz · 18/12/2021 10:30

I agree with those who say not to go. Make your own traditions and arrange to catch up with parents at other times.

I would never forgive the BIL asking for baby things. Never. I’d be disgusted with the family for supporting that behaviour too.

I’m so very sorry for your loss.

IloveM · 18/12/2021 10:30

Plan a Xmas based on loving and caring for yourselves and each other . Give any reason you want but allow yourselves space to grieve and look for support and understanding only

DrGoogleSaysSo · 18/12/2021 10:34

I'm sorry for your loss. I wouldn't go if it's too painful. Your BIL sounds insensitive and selfish, better to spend Christmas away from him and perhaps visit your PILs a different day.

sbhydrogen · 18/12/2021 10:38

From your last paragraph it sounds as though you don't want to have Christmas at home again. If your DH agrees, could you talk to DH's parents and say we will come but if it becomes too much we might have to leave.

You're right, it might make him feel a bit better seeing his nephew. He won't know unless he does it.

Whatever happens I hope you have a lovely Christmas!

PositivelyFooked · 18/12/2021 10:38

No experience I’m sorry; but i think I would feel the same as your husband too. People grieve differently, having a baby there might help some, and hinder others. He sounds like his grief is just too much to cope with being around a baby at the moment and I would take that into consideration. You don’t have to tell them that nephew is the reason you won’t go; but just say you’re both still grieving together and feel that you’d like to spend this Christmas with one and other at home.

I’m really sorry for your loss, that is completely shit and I wish you all the very best for whatever the future holds for you both Flowers

viques · 18/12/2021 10:39

You and your husband need to grieve for your daughter however you find best. This is always going to be a hard time of the year for you, and it must be especially raw this year.

You don’t have to explain yourself, just do whatever feels right for you both and don’t do things that will make your pain worse. Your husbands brother is an insensitive idiot,( be thankful you met the right brother). One. day perhaps you will be able to share your nephews life a little bit, but seeing him at the moment would be too hurtful and might only make you feel resentful towards him, which isn’t fair on him.

Eyesofdisarray · 18/12/2021 10:41

So sorry for the loss of your daughter OP.
I wouldn't go- your brother in law has been very insensitive and hurtful.
Your husband's feelings matter more than his brother. I wouldn't be shy about telling them, either.
Have your Christmas together OP. Hugs xx

diddl · 18/12/2021 11:01

I wouldn't lie about covid.

Family know from what BIL did that he's an insensitive twat.

I'd say that BIL caused so much pain you can't bear to see him.

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2021 11:44

@diddl

I wouldn't lie about covid.

Family know from what BIL did that he's an insensitive twat.

I'd say that BIL caused so much pain you can't bear to see him.

Totally agree with this.

He/They need to be told.

PigeonLittle · 18/12/2021 11:49

Telling the real reason why just means being drawn into family arguments and conversations around an acutely difficult topic, involving people who are genuine cunts.

Anyone who could even speak the words his brother did, wouldn't be understanding and sympathetic to the need for distance.

I'd want to save myself the drama this year.

diddl · 18/12/2021 11:55

@PigeonLittle

Telling the real reason why just means being drawn into family arguments and conversations around an acutely difficult topic, involving people who are genuine cunts.

Anyone who could even speak the words his brother did, wouldn't be understanding and sympathetic to the need for distance.

I'd want to save myself the drama this year.

If I've understood it it's Op's ILs who are hosting.

So it's not telling them anything that they don't know.

They surely couldn't be at all surprised that Op & her husband couldn't bear to be there?

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2021 12:00

It doesn't need to be an argument or a conversation. It's a statement of fact and that's it, don't respond further.

PigeonLittle · 18/12/2021 12:02

I'd love to live in Mumsnet land where people just tell each other statements of fact and expect no conversations about whatever you say.

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2021 12:07

@PigeonLittle

I'd love to live in Mumsnet land where people just tell each other statements of fact and expect no conversations about whatever you say.
You can live that dream!

It's entirely in your control.

Star81 · 18/12/2021 13:00

You should do what is right for you , not what suits others

If the family get annoyed by this then let them. Some clearly don’t have any compassion or sensitivity so expect them to get annoyed but ignore it.

drpet49 · 18/12/2021 13:09

* His brother sounds awful. What kind of person would announce their pregnancy 72 hours before their brother's wife was due to be induced to give birth to a still born? And then to ask for your baby things?! Words fucking fail me.*

^This. I couldn’t forgive the BIL for this

Hunderland · 18/12/2021 13:15

I am a bereaved parent - there is no way I would go so soon after your loss. I just simply wouldn't have been able to.

7eleven · 18/12/2021 13:21

Could you book a last minute holiday and do something different this year? The weather is lovely in the canaries at the moment. You have to take tests, but it’s not so much trouble.

Chocolatewheatos · 18/12/2021 13:23

I don't think it's neccesarily that there's a child that causing so much pain but his brothers actions. God I'd feel so betrayed and so truly hurt by the way they announced it and asked for your daughters belongings.

I'm so sorry you went through losing your daughter, I can't bear to imagine that pain.

Chocolatewheatos · 18/12/2021 13:24

Oh. There's no way I'd even consider being around a sibling who did that to me. You need to back your husband up on that I think

billy1966 · 18/12/2021 13:26

@NuffSaidSam

I wouldn't want to ever see the twin brother again, let alone at Christmas. He sounds like a sociopath.
This.

I definitely would have Christmas on your own.

I am so sorry for your horrific loss.

Heartbreaking.
Flowers