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Original poster

Wtf do I do? [Content warning added by MNHQ - baby loss]

141 replies

Biscoffspread · 18/12/2021 01:28

I genuinely have no idea what to do about this. We had a still birth at full term last year, in November. The weekend we found out our baby had died my husbands twin brother announced they were pregnant, no heads up, no little message before hand. So they knew our baby had died and we were being induced on the Monday. And on the Saturday they announced they were having a baby and it was heartbreaking. Our baby was so longed for after 6 rounds of ivf. Anyway, I have birth to our baby girl and his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

Fast forward a year and they have a 6 month old baby. I've had a lot of therapy and we're tentatively thinking about starting trying again. The issue is Christmas

His younger brother and older sister will be there with their partners and the twin brother with his wife and baby will all be going to his parents

I am upset there will be A baby there but the difference is it's my nephew. Yes I'm devastated about not. Having our little girl here for her first Christmas. however our nephew is not our child and never would

The issue is my DH is devastated beyond words she's not here and he's worried that the nephew will paraded around to cause maximum pain. I can't seem to explain seeing his nephew at chrismas might make things better? He's so hurt he can't even talk about the pain his brother caused us without crying and he feels like Christmas will be ruined if we go there

Please help. What should i do? Do we have Christmas alone again ? First time because I'd just given birth and people wanted to give us space second because their is an Actual child causing him pain...

OP posts:
Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 18/12/2021 09:11

I wouldn't go. Your BIL sounds horrible! Asking for the baby clothes after your baby girl had died was a disgusting thing to do and I think it was designed to cause maximum hurt at a time when you were going through heartbreak. What kind of person does that?! It’s no wonder your DH is feeling hurt by his brothers actions.

ElsieMc · 18/12/2021 09:11

So sorry for your loss op. Please do not go. It is another level of torture for you. Do not worry in the slightest about offending anyone else, they showed no sensitivity towards you.

I do not even know how you both can have anything further to do with his brother. Something similar happened in our family. I was only in my early teens many years back. My cousin's baby girl died at 3 months old and her MIL asked for the pram she had bought them back along with baby clothes. I believe this extra level of pain contributed to the breakdown of her marriage. I dont think her dh condemned his appalling mother.

Stay away. It is a time for you to be together and think of your lovely dd and be at peace.

Disabrie22 · 18/12/2021 09:13

OP - I would focus on having a nice Xmas for you and your other half. Honestly you are not being out of order not attending - you’ve been through so much. I really hope you two manage to have a nice time together xxx

time2tork · 18/12/2021 09:18

It is a very hard situation. Be aware of the emotions you might feel, maybe have an excuse to leave early.

I lost my baby late in pregnancy this year, my sister had a 6 month old. My mum finally had her wedding after being postponed due to Covid - I hadn't met my sisters baby yet.

I spent the wedding day in tears, upset, unable to speak to people, hiding under sunglasses.

I thought I'd be fine but I was a wreck all day, trying to put on a brave face made it worse.

It was 3 months after I lost my baby, it was hard to see my sister and the whole family cooing over the baby.

I hope you have a nice Christmas, my experience was really hard.

WeDidntMeanToGoToSea · 18/12/2021 09:20

Oh, you poor darlings. I am so sorry that your longed-for daughter is not with you, as she should be. Flowers

Your dh is also coping with the wounding behaviour of his brother and honesly, that level of callousness is something else, and from a twin brother too. Very sadly, Christmas is going to be sad for you anyway, but I wouldn't compound the hurt for either of you by going. Cocoon yourselves away and do whatever you feel.

I so wish you the happiness of a future child after your cruel experience. Not ever to replace your darling daughter, but to give you some of the joy you deserve. Much love.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 18/12/2021 09:20

He doesn't want to go, for a really good, solid reason, I think you shouldn't go. Everybody grieves differently, but also I think, perhaps for him, because it's a child he has a biological link to, perhaps it feels different to the way it does for you? Possibly he feels less detached from the idea of his nephew. Spend Christmas elsewhere, do something totally different.
I think your husband is protecting himself because he suspects his brother is going to do something else insensitive. He might be right.
I'm so sorry you have been through all this.

Rainbowshine · 18/12/2021 09:21

I would also recommend not going, your DH is right that they will not have any sensitivity regarding your feelings.

Agree with your DH whether the reason given is about the behaviour of the brother (and the rest of the family if they played a part) or use covid or illness as a cover story.

I wouldn’t blame you for using a cover story, the brother sounds like he might be one of those people who will adopt DARVO tactics when his behaviour is called out and be all offended and outraged and try to make out you’re the ones in the wrong.

I wish you and your DH a safe and happy 2022, whatever you decide about TTC.

Wife2b · 18/12/2021 09:21

This thread broke my heart, I’m so sorry OP for the pain and suffering you and your husband have gone through. Please don’t pressurise him to go, honestly it sounds like it would knock him several steps back. Plan a wonderful Christmas just the two of you. Does your baby girl have a special place? Maybe you could go and lay flowers on Christmas Day. Whatever you decide to do, please don’t let that pathetic excuse of a brother ruin Christmas for you both.

BlackSwan · 18/12/2021 09:27

That's chilling. For your BIL utterly lack empathy like that is disturbing. I'd never see him again.

KaptainKaveman · 18/12/2021 09:27

@Sparklfairy

his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things.

That is disgusting and unforgiveable imo.

It doesn't sound like DH wants to go at all, and I wouldn't want to either. I have no idea how seeing his nephew at Christmas would possibly make things 'better', considering the brother's behaviour afterwards!

You beat me to it, I was just about to say the same. How appalling.

I would just not go, OP. It's going to be horrendously stressful and you'll both be on eggshells the entire time. Who wants that?
Flowers

hardboiledeggs · 18/12/2021 09:33

Your BIL and SIL are horrible. I wouldn’t go at Christmas and my. Relationship with them would be non existent.

Blueroses99 · 18/12/2021 09:33

I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

I think you should avoid the family over Christmas. The timing of announcing the pregnancy and asking for your baby things is so so insensitive that I can’t imagine they would take care not too upset you or your DH on Christmas Day. Don’t put yourselves through it. It’s not about your nephew, it’ll hopefully get easier to spend time with him and love him in time without it hurting. But avoid the insensitive adults.

Sadly I’ve experienced infertility and stillbirth too so I can relate to much of the conflicted feelings. If it helps - I have found it’s true that time heals.

RockinHorseShit · 18/12/2021 09:37

His twin DB has behaved like a first class insensitive & hurtful cunt. No it's not nephews fault, but twin is definitely to blame for his insensitive & possibly gloaty actions

Don't go, just have a nice, peaceful Christmas at home & be honest with PIL as to why

RealBecca · 18/12/2021 09:37

Think of it like this, it wont hurt you not to go but it will hurt him to go. So support him if this is what he needs.

So so sad for what you are both going through x

ShinyballsAndChocolateTinsel · 18/12/2021 09:40

I'd cut him out of my life forever. His behaviour on all counts is unforgivable, insensitive and downright nasty
I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 18/12/2021 09:42

Your BIL sounds like a sociopath. Definitely don’t go and plan a day just the two of you. Heart felt hugs 💗

Weirdlynormal · 18/12/2021 09:52

This is like grave robbing.

OP let your husband decide on this, these people are awful. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Embracelife · 18/12/2021 09:54

How much therapy has dh had?
He needs some

SpookyScarySkeletons · 18/12/2021 09:58

I can't believe he asked for your baby things. How disgusting and unfeeling. That is just awful.

Have a lovely small Christmas just you and DH, when the family ask why you aren't going just blame covid (at least it's useful for something).

I am so so sorry for your loss. I would look into bereavement counselling for you and your DH as it sounds like he particularly is struggling xx

Phobiaphobic · 18/12/2021 10:00

To be honest, OP, I can't get past the fact that they asked for your baby clothes. I don't even have words for how insensitive that is. I can only think they're sociopaths. No normally wired person would do that.

If it were me, I would never go near them again.

Embracelife · 18/12/2021 10:00

Sorry for your load
Your BIL was insensitive
It may be better to plan something else for Xmas
But your dh needs therapy
The nephew is always going to remind you both
It sounds like you found a way thru via therapy
But dh not
He needs professional help
Wishing you well

BigRedDuck · 18/12/2021 10:00

I'm so sorry Flowers

Don't you have Covid symptoms and waiting for a PCR result.... Oh on Christmas eve?
Don't go, the brother has behaved awfully. Big hugs x

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/12/2021 10:07

If your husband cant talk about him without crying I honestly wouldn't pressure him to go. The wider family should understand and if they don't they're not worth bothering with. Do they know how he treated you both?

PigeonLittle · 18/12/2021 10:09

@BigRedDuck

I'm so sorry Flowers

Don't you have Covid symptoms and waiting for a PCR result.... Oh on Christmas eve?
Don't go, the brother has behaved awfully. Big hugs x

What a shame! Terrible timing.

This would be my plan, with a mild tickly cough. Need to be safe Flowers

I suspect you will find it easier to bond with your nephew, if you ever choose too, once he is a little toddler with his own personality. It's ok to need distance till then.

Your husband is your family - hold him tight and keep him safe.

Suzanne999 · 18/12/2021 10:10

his brother asked if they could have some of our baby things

Doesn’t get more insensitive than this.

I’m so sorry for your loss of your little girl. I can’t begin to imagine your pain.
I think I’d skip Christmas this year, either stay home or maybe go away if possible. There are too many unknowns with the other people present and just one insensitive remark will be unbearable for you and your husband.