Do you help clean up after a dinner party ?

[xmastreezz]

This is such a random one. Really not a big deal at all.

I had a dinner party recently where my DH and I cooked our hearts out. I invited three couples over. We all have toddlers born the same year, who were also present.

I've not held many dinner parties and this was the first with children. We all had children during covid, so just haven't had many opportunities. They all came quite a long way ( around an hour ) to visit and I'm so grateful that they did.

So here's my super random question: no one lifted even one finger fo help clean up / clear the table at all, all night. I usually have dinner parties with family only, especially since covid and lock downs etc. This would never ever happen. Everyone would pitch in and help out at least a bit.

Is this the norm ? Is it because we all have small children ? Really curious how it works at other people's dinner parties. I personally can't imagine going to one and not even attempting to offer to help out a little / clear a few glasses. I'm also heavily pregnant.

I wasn't miffed about it. It's just that the difference in approach really surprised me. In a way it was nice that we weren't rushing around trying to clean up and we just left it until everyone went home. We really had the time to chat etc. So it wasn't terrible. I also managed fine cleaning it all up at the end.

My husband and I are a more international couple, so always interested to see how people tend to do things in this country. Maybe the difference is cultural. However, the majority of my friends are also international - we've all lived in the UK for ages though. So I'm not sure the international point is even relevant.

I move dirty plates etc into the kitchen out of sight and deal with them after the guests have gone. Partner & I serve & clear.

I would never want or expect anyone to help & would consider it rude & odd if someone I was visiting expected me to assist serving or clearing.

I do not expect guests to help clean up

@DysmalRadius

I wouldn't start clearing up if the host wasn't as that would feel rude, but I woykd certainly help, or at least offer to, once they started.

I think this is most certainly true. I'd start cleaning up if both hosts were up cleaning. If I have a dinner party - no one is cleaning up till the next morning, it feels like a really odd way to finish a night - no one does it when they come to ours and I don't do it when I go to their's. One of dd's friends joins us for dinner every Friday night - I expect him to help clean up - we are all cleaning up - it's an altogether more sober casual affair.

I think it's oddly class dependent.

I would pitch in. The friends who eat here help without asking - they already know where things go and how I like things done. I have never held a 'dinner party', just friends with food. I don't know ANYONE at a friend level who has had a dinner party.

Equally, (pre covid) I was frequently hired at £15ph to skivvy for a very upper middle lady at her dinner parties. She cooked (though I finished and plated), I cleared, washed up (no dishwasher noise or putting away in the morning) and served drinks.

Two very different attitudes to good, old friends coming over for dinner. Have you had a dinner party at theirs? What's their normal? I think this is one without a right or wrong, just different approaches.

I would definitely expect them to at least offer to help - especially if you're heavily pregnant & they're lifelong friends who are presumably relaxed & comfortable in your company. Just to sit there was a bit rude!!

I like hosting and people "helping" would wind me up. Perhaps wrongly until now I've tend to assume others would feel the same. I'm going to offer in future!

God I hate it when people offer (or worse just go ahead and do) any washing up. Between you and your husband that should be enough, though an offer to help clear might have been useful but I don't want anyone else in my kitchen. I want to enjoy the evening too so I just pile it up and tackle it the next day.
I will help clear, but I don't offer to wash up. Dinners out are for enjoying and relaxing. If you are the host you shouldn't expect anyone to help.
If it was family then of course you all muck in.

@gingerbiscuits

I would definitely expect them to at least offer to help - especially if you're heavily pregnant & they're lifelong friends who are presumably relaxed & comfortable in your company. Just to sit there was a bit rude!!

The OP didn’t start clearing up though. She just expected her guests to just start clearing up of their own accord.

Very odd.

@LaCerbiatta

I hate it when guests insist on "helping" and start clearing the table. It really is no help at all! They're just carrying the dirty plates and piling them on the kitchen counter where there's no space or even worse putting dirty plates in the sink which then have to be removed before we can do anything else.

When we say please leave it, we'll deal with it afterwards, we really do mean it!

Absolutely this.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Oh no, that's not what I expected AT all. That would be very odd.

Sorry if that's how I made it seem at ang point, but that's not what happened whatsoever. We were clearing the table of glasses and plates all night and putting them near the sink and no one ever offered to help move even one glass. We cleared the table completely, especially at the end of the night, so we could sit in peace and not within a mess.

I didn't ever expect my guests to stand up and clear up my table when I wasn't cleaning it...

I didn't really expect anything from anyone. But I offer to help clear a couple of plates at least and put them near the sink when I'm a guest somewhere. If they had offered I would have told them to sit and relax. But I just found it curious that no one offered ever at all.

It also was not a formal dinner, whatsoever.

I see how you get the impression I didn't clear up until they left, as that's what I said. I meant proper clearing up, like washing dishes and stacking the dish washer. Clearing the table and putting plates near the sink, was happening throughout the evening and especially at the end. Otherwise how could we even have had dinner with all the mess everywhere.

I prefer my guests to do nothing.

It irritates me when guests start attempting to wash dishes etc. I want to enjoy them and the evening and wash up when they've gone..

At a friends dinner party I would offer but expect the host to say no. If I was hosting I would leave it all until after the guests/friends had left. I want to drink wine and chat not be in the kitchen working.
A family function is different we all pitch in.

No guests don’t clear up at a dinner party.

I might ask them to grab a bottle of wine or similar but otherwise absolutely not!

I depends on how the young children they brought behaviour is like. I have one friend that I much prefer she keeps an eye on, rather than help me clean.

Ds2 at threw a cup and broke my auntie tv. I offered to pay for it, but she refused to accept anything from me and claimed it on her insurance.

Her children were not happy with being left without a TV for few days. It is not only about money.

NigellaAwesome

I think the norm as a guest is to offer to help clear plates, but as a host, to decline the request.“

This. Nothing worse than merry guests trying to “help” in the kitchen.

I’d probably help clear plates & glasses. I wouldn’t do any washing up, and wouldn’t like it if someone tried to do that at mine
I agree. It's all very well saying many hands make light work, but I hate when people start buzzing around 8n an unfamiliar kitchen, all getting in each others way. It's stressful and I want them to piss off. I wouldn't dream of washing up while guests were still here, and could do it much more quickly when they've gone.

With close friends and family I would just get stuck in. With people i don't know so well, I would offer to help, but only clear up if the host wanted me too.