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Original poster

Do you help clean up after a dinner party ?

144 replies

xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 00:20

This is such a random one. Really not a big deal at all.

I had a dinner party recently where my DH and I cooked our hearts out. I invited three couples over. We all have toddlers born the same year, who were also present.

I've not held many dinner parties and this was the first with children. We all had children during covid, so just haven't had many opportunities. They all came quite a long way ( around an hour ) to visit and I'm so grateful that they did.

So here's my super random question: no one lifted even one finger fo help clean up / clear the table at all, all night. I usually have dinner parties with family only, especially since covid and lock downs etc. This would never ever happen. Everyone would pitch in and help out at least a bit.

Is this the norm ? Is it because we all have small children ? Really curious how it works at other people's dinner parties. I personally can't imagine going to one and not even attempting to offer to help out a little / clear a few glasses. I'm also heavily pregnant.

I wasn't miffed about it. It's just that the difference in approach really surprised me. In a way it was nice that we weren't rushing around trying to clean up and we just left it until everyone went home. We really had the time to chat etc. So it wasn't terrible. I also managed fine cleaning it all up at the end.

My husband and I are a more international couple, so always interested to see how people tend to do things in this country. Maybe the difference is cultural. However, the majority of my friends are also international - we've all lived in the UK for ages though. So I'm not sure the international point is even relevant.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/12/2021 00:24

It's not relevant imo.

They were rude. I don't even leave a restaurant without making sure the table is as tidy as we can make it.

If friends invited me to their home for dinner, of course I'd offer to pitch in with the tidying up and I don't think I know anyone who wouldn't.

NigellaAwesome · 18/12/2021 00:24

I think the norm as a guest is to offer to help clear plates, but as a host, to decline the request.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 00:26

I think everyone was probably just tired and maybe a bit overwhelmed with the kids.

OP posts:
DENMAN03 · 18/12/2021 00:27

When I'm hosting I don't expect my guests to clear up. Some may offer to help but I would hate that. My friends now know I want them to sit back and enjoy the evening.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 00:29

@DENMAN03

When I'm hosting I don't expect my guests to clear up. Some may offer to help but I would hate that. My friends now know I want them to sit back and enjoy the evening.
I would have done the same as you. Like I always do with family too. But they insist to help and won't take no for an answer. So we just help when we visit each other's houses.
OP posts:
SarahDippity · 18/12/2021 00:30

It depends. For people with young children, it’s a real treat to be hosted where someone else says ‘sit and relax - I've got this.’ If it’s a supper around the kitchen table, it’s more natural to pitch in. Sometimes the vibe of the host/ess is that they’re in charge; engaging people at an early point in the evening sets the tone - eg are you asking a guest to help with drinks, or are you insisting at the outset that everyone sit while you scurry with trays.

WorraLiberty · 18/12/2021 00:30

@DENMAN03

When I'm hosting I don't expect my guests to clear up. Some may offer to help but I would hate that. My friends now know I want them to sit back and enjoy the evening.
I couldn't enjoy myself knowing my friends are doing all the tidying up though.

It's so much quicker if everyone pitches in and then we can all relax together.

merryxmasmelodies · 18/12/2021 00:31

No, no, no. I would hate for any guest to see my messy kitchen.

IKnowAPlace · 18/12/2021 00:35

I'd offer to help clear the table but probably wouldn't get stuck into the dishes. Everyone has their quirks with dishes!

Maybe they were treating it like an evening in a restaurant. Did they bring any wine, flowers etc.? Or will you now take turns to host?

Original poster
xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 00:39

@IKnowAPlace

I'd offer to help clear the table but probably wouldn't get stuck into the dishes. Everyone has their quirks with dishes!

Maybe they were treating it like an evening in a restaurant. Did they bring any wine, flowers etc.? Or will you now take turns to host?

Yeah they brought stuff. Honestly I think everyone was knackered and just wanted the time to sit back a bit. I also didn't start clearing up until they all left. Maybe if I had started cleaning while they were there, they would have offered. But I think that would have been rude anyway. My husband and I cleared the table and put everything near the sink and on the counter tops. We have a kitchen / dining room. So we didn't need to leave the room to put things away. We were all in the same room at all times.
OP posts:
GoGoGretaDoll · 18/12/2021 00:40

At a 'dinner party' I would expect to do very little other than pass the wine and water. At a 'casual dinner with pals and kids' I would expect to wipe kids' faces, get drinks for kids, rinse kids cups, take dishes to the table, help clear the table, do kids pudding in the hope they'll leave the table early so we can have more wine, etc etc.

You don't say how young the kids are but maybe that's the problem - you're expecting casual tea with kids behaviour, but it's been positioned as a dinner party?

Hairyfriend · 18/12/2021 00:41

If I was at my MIL's or a close friends for dinner, I'd help by clearing plates and carrying them to the kitchen, if not stacking the dishwasher too. As a guest at a dinner party, I'd say 'would you like a hand?' or 'can I do anything' but I wouldn't take it upon myself to start clearing plates unless the host said yes.

I grew up abroad where helping to clear the table was more common and automatic- or as a minimum to at least offer. In the UK, I'd found this isn't the 'done thing' unless you are very close friends with the host.

If they also had a 1hr drive after the meal, maybe they were grateful for some quiet time, and assumed you as a couple had all night and the next day to tidy up?

DysmalRadius · 18/12/2021 00:44

I wouldn't start clearing up if the host wasn't as that would feel rude, but I woykd certainly help, or at least offer to, once they started.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 00:45

@GoGoGretaDoll

At a 'dinner party' I would expect to do very little other than pass the wine and water. At a 'casual dinner with pals and kids' I would expect to wipe kids' faces, get drinks for kids, rinse kids cups, take dishes to the table, help clear the table, do kids pudding in the hope they'll leave the table early so we can have more wine, etc etc.

You don't say how young the kids are but maybe that's the problem - you're expecting casual tea with kids behaviour, but it's been positioned as a dinner party?

The kiddies are all very young. Under 2. I think everyone was exhausted.
OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 18/12/2021 00:46

Family dinners or parties then I would help clear the table and wash up / load the dishwasher. Dinner parties with friends I wouldn’t expect anymore than someone bringing a plate or dish through to the kitchen. I certainly wouldn’t expect to stand in the kitchen cleaning with my guests …. That’s not much of a night out for them.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 00:46

@Hairyfriend

If I was at my MIL's or a close friends for dinner, I'd help by clearing plates and carrying them to the kitchen, if not stacking the dishwasher too. As a guest at a dinner party, I'd say 'would you like a hand?' or 'can I do anything' but I wouldn't take it upon myself to start clearing plates unless the host said yes.

I grew up abroad where helping to clear the table was more common and automatic- or as a minimum to at least offer. In the UK, I'd found this isn't the 'done thing' unless you are very close friends with the host.

If they also had a 1hr drive after the meal, maybe they were grateful for some quiet time, and assumed you as a couple had all night and the next day to tidy up?

I think they were grateful to just chill out a bit. So were we. It also meant we could catch up properly.

These are life long friends. Think, living together before marriage / kids etc.

OP posts:
GoGoGretaDoll · 18/12/2021 00:48

Ah. Lifelong friends you've lived with. That can go one of two ways - you actually can't move for them sticking their faces in the pans wondering what you're making and could you make the nice thing from last time and does that need more salt, I'll set the table will I, is there any more wine?

And

Lovely to relax, isn't it, might just have a little nap at your table.

The fun bit is, you never know what you're getting.

Ariann · 18/12/2021 00:49

I always help clear up, wash up and tidy. Many hands make light work. I don't think a dinner host should have to deal with the aftermath late at night or when they wake up in the morning.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/12/2021 00:52

I would clear the table, clean up any mess beyond the normal that my toddler had made and also offer to help with the dishes but expect my offer to be declined.
I’d also return the invite in a few weeks time

SweetsAndChocolates · 18/12/2021 00:52

@xmastreezz always offer to help, and when 'allowed' get stuck in (even washing dishes if need be). However, I am from a different culture so to speak (think 2nd generation). I don't know if that makes a difference.

I do want to add, 99% of the time the host ensures guests don't help.

LaCerbiatta · 18/12/2021 01:00

I hate it when guests insist on "helping" and start clearing the table. It really is no help at all! They're just carrying the dirty plates and piling them on the kitchen counter where there's no space or even worse putting dirty plates in the sink which then have to be removed before we can do anything else.

When we say please leave it, we'll deal with it afterwards, we really do mean it!

violetbunny · 18/12/2021 01:57

I would absolutely always offer to help clear up, and mean it.

MrsFezziwig · 18/12/2021 02:09

I’m quite happy if guests offer to carry a few plates (there’s only me) but I hate it if they start trying to clear up beyond that. I want to chill out at the end of the meal as well, and I can’t relax if people are rampaging round my kitchen. I’d much rather leave it until they’ve gone when I can potter round at my own pace, or even leave things until the morning. The “many hands make light work” comment puts me right on edge.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 18/12/2021 02:11

@NigellaAwesome

I think the norm as a guest is to offer to help clear plates, but as a host, to decline the request.
This.

But DH and I have got it down to such a fine art now that people seldom have time to realise before the table has been cleared.

Our house is so horribly open plan that I can easily continue conversations whilst clearing the table so that is probably a factor too,

Bubblty · 18/12/2021 02:15

@NigellaAwesome

I think the norm as a guest is to offer to help clear plates, but as a host, to decline the request.
I agree with this.