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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you help clean up after a dinner party ?

144 replies

xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 00:20

This is such a random one. Really not a big deal at all.

I had a dinner party recently where my DH and I cooked our hearts out. I invited three couples over. We all have toddlers born the same year, who were also present.

I've not held many dinner parties and this was the first with children. We all had children during covid, so just haven't had many opportunities. They all came quite a long way ( around an hour ) to visit and I'm so grateful that they did.

So here's my super random question: no one lifted even one finger fo help clean up / clear the table at all, all night. I usually have dinner parties with family only, especially since covid and lock downs etc. This would never ever happen. Everyone would pitch in and help out at least a bit.

Is this the norm ? Is it because we all have small children ? Really curious how it works at other people's dinner parties. I personally can't imagine going to one and not even attempting to offer to help out a little / clear a few glasses. I'm also heavily pregnant.

I wasn't miffed about it. It's just that the difference in approach really surprised me. In a way it was nice that we weren't rushing around trying to clean up and we just left it until everyone went home. We really had the time to chat etc. So it wasn't terrible. I also managed fine cleaning it all up at the end.

My husband and I are a more international couple, so always interested to see how people tend to do things in this country. Maybe the difference is cultural. However, the majority of my friends are also international - we've all lived in the UK for ages though. So I'm not sure the international point is even relevant.

OP posts:

Grumpyosaurus · 18/12/2021 18:15

Dinner party - nope, would not expect to help.
Casual meal with friends with young DC present - would expect to help and would start to help without asking, would just begin to clear up or whatever.
Party - would probably not help unless staying the night.

I've got less helpful over the years as we've had a lot of large parties where the vast majority of guests haven't lifted a finger, including people I've helped to clear up in the past.

xmastreez · 18/12/2021 18:15

I think to conclude, it sort of depends what kind of event it is and also who the guests are.

If it's a bbq type/ day thing with kiddies, maybe it's not unreasonable for guests to offer to bring some stuff into the kitchen and pop it on the side.

If it's a formal dinner party, then not so much.

Mine was more the former, even though I phrased it as a dinner party in the OP.

Honestly, it really doesn't matter. I'm just glad I got to see my friends. Should they invite me to their houses, I'll offer to bring things to the kitchen when the hosts clear up. Especially if it's more of a relaxed thing. I don't think it's rude to offer, personally.

xmastreez · 18/12/2021 18:16

@ShirleyPhallus

They could at least help carry dishes etc back to the kitchen and poo them in sides/wherever directed

I don’t think that would be very helpful to the clean up operation @00100001

Great typo

FangsForTheMemory · 18/12/2021 18:18

It's nice if your guests help you clear the table, but that's it as far as I'm concerned. I do not allow guests to wash up (even before I had a dishwasher) but similarly, I won't lift a finger to help in other people's houses. It feels rude to not remember you are a guest.

BronwenFrideswide · 18/12/2021 18:19

@WorraLiberty

It's not relevant imo.

They were rude. I don't even leave a restaurant without making sure the table is as tidy as we can make it.

If friends invited me to their home for dinner, of course I'd offer to pitch in with the tidying up and I don't think I know anyone who wouldn't.

Agree with this.

HeronLanyon · 18/12/2021 18:22

My experience is whether guests are family or not family, the offer to help is usually made. More often by women than men.
In family groups host is more likely to say yes to the offer than in friend group but exceptions apply.

itwasntaparty · 18/12/2021 18:24

It's not a 'dinner party' when you've got kids roaming around, it's having people over for some timing to eat. At a dinner party no I probably wouldn't offer to help and wouldn't expect it, if it's people coming over to eat them absolutely I'd offer to help.

Delatron · 18/12/2021 18:30

It depends on the circle of friends. We offer but it’s usually declined. When we have guests I also decline help but people may carry an odd salad bowl over. I think it’s rude to spend too long clearing so will quickly pop things in dishwasher or just leave on the side and get back to guests.

I’d prefer guests to relax and have a good time then it works but ways when we are guests. I would offer though.

rainbowmash · 18/12/2021 18:43

It depends on the formality of the dinner. Laid back evening with friends, then of course I'd get stuck in and roll my sleeves up.

I was always taught that you must never mention the clearing-away process if it's a fancier occasion (suits and dresses sort of affairs) as this lowered the tone and implied that the host wasn't providing well for the guests.

Not that I go to too many fancy occasions, so I'm usually helping out with a tea towel before the coffee course!

00100001 · 18/12/2021 18:45

@ShirleyPhallus

They could at least help carry dishes etc back to the kitchen and poo them in sides/wherever directed

I don’t think that would be very helpful to the clean up operation @00100001

FinallyHere · 18/12/2021 20:15

I also managed fine cleaning it all up at the end.

Absolutely hate guests trying to help. Our kitchen is really quite small so everything just gets in a mess when people bring things in and leave them down.

We just close the doors to the dining room and leave it all.

We used to socialise mostly in restaurants. DH has not been well recently, he has a physical disability that means that it is much more convenient for us to have people come to us.

We arrange for the cleaning people to come in the next day to do the tidy up. DH can't really do neither of us should have to.

I'm surprised that you said you cleaned up by yourself. What is your partners excuse for not helping?

Did he expect the guests to help ?

p.s. unless your mother has socialised with these people slot, as an equal , her opinion is pretty worthless in this context.

xmastreez · 18/12/2021 20:23

@FinallyHere

I also managed fine cleaning it all up at the end.

Absolutely hate guests trying to help. Our kitchen is really quite small so everything just gets in a mess when people bring things in and leave them down.

We just close the doors to the dining room and leave it all.

We used to socialise mostly in restaurants. DH has not been well recently, he has a physical disability that means that it is much more convenient for us to have people come to us.

We arrange for the cleaning people to come in the next day to do the tidy up. DH can't really do neither of us should have to.

I'm surprised that you said you cleaned up by yourself. What is your partners excuse for not helping?

Did he expect the guests to help ?

p.s. unless your mother has socialised with these people slot, as an equal , her opinion is pretty worthless in this context.

He did help at the end. But he did do basically all the cooking and serving. So I wanted to take the cleaning off his hands a bit. When my back started spasming, he came and helped at the end.

And you're right, what mum thinks, doesn't matter.

AncreneWisse · 18/12/2021 20:31

Family I expect to help, and am cross if they do not.

Even the most informal dinner party I do not want guests “helping”. Sometimes they insist on helping clear the table (I don’t even like that, but I can cope), but I absolutely always refuse any further offers.

I think this is pretty usual. Americans are a bit more insistent about helping, but if they aren’t family even they can be denied.

Nayday · 18/12/2021 21:03

Having read your posts I think that in order for you to have 'cue-ed' them up for helping you would have needed to have actually started clearing up.

Clearing plates to a sideboard - I wouldn't expect people to start jumping up because it's easier for 1 or 2 people to ferry rather than 6.

If you'd starting clearing away/stacking dishwasher I'd probably anticipate a "can we do anything?" Even if you say no.

It's a minefield though, because some people hate anyone doing stuff in their kitchen whilst others consider it rude not to help!

We've had friends over and in the run up to leaving genuine offers of "shall we help clean away" - which I decline. Most items are going in the dishwasher, and I'm not handing them a cloth and spray to start cleaning the sides, if much rather get on with it with DH.

esloquehay · 18/12/2021 21:57

I would always offer to help and clean up any excess mess my messy preschoolers might have made.

Marvellousmadness · 18/12/2021 22:11

What do your toddlers have to do with that. That's your responsibility and choice. Plus it was your choice to host
I dont help cleaning up besides maybe putting my own plate away.
I wouldnt allow for my friends to clean if they came over for an invite dinner party either tbh. They are guests!!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 19/12/2021 02:53

@Bluntness100

I think it’s a bit of a drip feed there. It’s normal to offer to help when the hosts start clearing up, it’s beyond rude to suggest to the hosts they need to start cleaning up by offering.

This!

I’d never dream of starting to clean up before the hostess said or did anything!

HunterGatherer · 19/12/2021 13:18

I've never heard of anyone clearing up at a dinner party. We normally get directed to the sitting room and the host leaves the mess until the morning (for the fairies to deal with overnight)

Buddhabowl · 19/12/2021 13:31

I hate it when people help, they get in my way and load the dishwasher wrong, and keep asking where things go, I'd rather just do it myself.
Our friends usually start to make moves to help and I just say 'dont worry about it and go and relax'
When I'm at other people's houses I tend to start helping so I don't appear as rude but it's so awkward as I know Im just getting in the way really.

HeronLanyon · 19/12/2021 14:02

My ‘help’ when at others is limited to carrying stuff to the kitchen. And carrying anything back kit like dessert or new glasses etc. I am just a carrier and only when host says ‘yes thanks’. Anything else is NOT helpful for reasons above IMO.

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/12/2021 14:07

I usually clear up after everyone has left/gone to bed - much easier when I’m still a bit drunk and I like having some quiet time pottering about the kitchen. Most if my guests would be close enough friends to help but other that stacking plates, I like to do it myself.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 19/12/2021 14:10

@NigellaAwesome

I think the norm as a guest is to offer to help clear plates, but as a host, to decline the request.

This is basically British dinner party etiquette

rooarsome · 19/12/2021 14:15

I always decline when people offer. I don't want them seeing my tip of a kitchen if I've just cooked (I'm the messiest cook in the world).

ChristmasRobins · 19/12/2021 14:16

Guests offer to help clear the table, host generally declines the offer (or can accept if it’s actually helpful). Definitely no guests stacking the dishwasher or washing up! I like to relax round the table after dinner and would really resent it if someone started making a thing of “helping” like that.

icedcoffees · 19/12/2021 14:24

@NigellaAwesome

I think the norm as a guest is to offer to help clear plates, but as a host, to decline the request.

Yes, this.

I don't want people helping in my house - our kitchen is tiny and cramped with one person in it, let alone a whole crowd of people trying to be "helpful"

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