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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you help clean up after a dinner party ?

144 replies

xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 00:20

This is such a random one. Really not a big deal at all.

I had a dinner party recently where my DH and I cooked our hearts out. I invited three couples over. We all have toddlers born the same year, who were also present.

I've not held many dinner parties and this was the first with children. We all had children during covid, so just haven't had many opportunities. They all came quite a long way ( around an hour ) to visit and I'm so grateful that they did.

So here's my super random question: no one lifted even one finger fo help clean up / clear the table at all, all night. I usually have dinner parties with family only, especially since covid and lock downs etc. This would never ever happen. Everyone would pitch in and help out at least a bit.

Is this the norm ? Is it because we all have small children ? Really curious how it works at other people's dinner parties. I personally can't imagine going to one and not even attempting to offer to help out a little / clear a few glasses. I'm also heavily pregnant.

I wasn't miffed about it. It's just that the difference in approach really surprised me. In a way it was nice that we weren't rushing around trying to clean up and we just left it until everyone went home. We really had the time to chat etc. So it wasn't terrible. I also managed fine cleaning it all up at the end.

My husband and I are a more international couple, so always interested to see how people tend to do things in this country. Maybe the difference is cultural. However, the majority of my friends are also international - we've all lived in the UK for ages though. So I'm not sure the international point is even relevant.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 18/12/2021 07:50

The friends invited back are the ones that help. Can't be arsed hosting for those that leave it to others.

Goldbar · 18/12/2021 07:52

@TokyoSushi

The guest should offer, the host should decline.
This. Clearing up in someone else's house is very awkward. Many British houses are quite small, including the kitchen, so often everything is piled high on the sides and in the sink and it's hard to fit multiple people 'helping' in the kitchen.

I don't do dinner 'parties' that often but at most would ask my guests to pile the plates up so I could dump them on the side. When I invite other friends with young children round for 'family' meals, the rule seems to be that the 'guest' supervises all the children (including the host's) while the host organises food/drinks, which seems an entirely fair division of labour.

Wilkolampshade · 18/12/2021 08:00

No, I wouldn't expect them to lift a finger. Their job is to have a lovely relaxing evening and contribute charming, enlivening and erudite conversation - oh, and maybe get handy with a tissue if a passing toddler has a drippy nose.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/12/2021 08:04

@NigellaAwesome

I think the norm as a guest is to offer to help clear plates, but as a host, to decline the request.
Yep, this.
Saltyquiche · 18/12/2021 08:07

Id clear the table at the minimum but ideally would want to help load the dishwasher

Divebar2021 · 18/12/2021 08:08

In my mind if children ( especially toddlers) were at this event then I wouldn’t describe it as a “dinner party”. Growing up in the 70’s 80’s my mother had “dinner parties” and it was an adults only affair. I was expected to be in bed or stay out the way. I’m not sure if anyone does those kinds of events anymore.

Saltyquiche · 18/12/2021 08:09

Yes I only tend to invite people who help as it’s too much for me otherwise

PrivateHall · 18/12/2021 08:12

Given that you made no move to clear the table, surely it would have been weird if your friends did so instead? Did you think they should just get up and do it while you chilled? I reckon that had you cleared away the dishes, they would have offered to help. I always offer to help, but only when the host has actually started to do it. Sounds like you had a lovely time so I wouldn't give it a second thought.

Justcannotbearsed · 18/12/2021 08:12

It depends, family I help, or would expect them too. Close friends who I know well, will often help, or genuinely offer to. And vicer versa.

People I don’t know well, offer to help but don’t expect a yes, or carry a token glass or two.

I don’t think it’s the norm to all pitch in.

Yerroblemom1923 · 18/12/2021 08:18

I think if you'd got up from the table and started moving plates perhaps they would've offered. I always at least offer to help. The more people doing the washing/ tidying up means it's done quicker and then everyone can sit down and relax.
In our house I only really have close friends who come for dinner/supper and one will usually insist on jumping up to start washing up and putting away (he knows where everything goes). Our house is pretty open plan (not in a good way) so we can all still chat at same time.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 18/12/2021 08:20

@Divebar2021

In my mind if children ( especially toddlers) were at this event then I wouldn’t describe it as a “dinner party”. Growing up in the 70’s 80’s my mother had “dinner parties” and it was an adults only affair. I was expected to be in bed or stay out the way. I’m not sure if anyone does those kinds of events anymore.
Yes. My parents and their friends either used babysitters or would feed us at home, dress us in pjs, go to the party, and plonk us in a spare bedroom or in front of the tv. I remember my dad carrying me out of the car or up the stairs whilst trying not to wake me up too much. When I got older/bigger, mum used to walk me up the stairs with my eyes closed so I didn’t wake up too much.
Bonnealle · 18/12/2021 08:20

I don’t think guests should clear up, or help you cook, etc. especially as you said you didn’t start until after they left. Imagine if they had, it would have looked so rude, as if they were saying your place was a tip!! When I host, I like to do everything, I want my guests to relax. Although I do have a dishwasher so it’s just a case of putting the plates in the washer and takes seconds - it would be chaos if everyone tried to load the dishwasher!

OfMinceAndMen · 18/12/2021 08:24

We've always done a lot of dinners with friends and family.
When people come to us they are waited on hand and food and don't have to lift a finger. But I expect the same in return, so never offer to clean and tidy when I'm in someone else's home.
Personally I'd hate help - I know where everything goes and am much faster on my own.
My inlaws want 6 adults working as a team to load one dishwasher and I think it's such an inefficient waste of time!

2TurtleDovesInARow · 18/12/2021 08:27

I always offer, it's always declined, so I will maybe stack plates on the table etc instead. Friends do same with us. With family we won't offer, will just do! But I know where everything is.

Spermysextowel · 18/12/2021 08:28

My mother used to say that those who are keen to wash up & don’t find it a pita usually do it badly, & from experience she’s right. When I didn’t have a dishwasher I’d rather deal with the next day, & now that I do have one I’d still prefer to leave it. Getting plates off the table is one thing, but anything beyond that seems to say ‘go home’.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 08:28

@Yerroblemom1923

I think if you'd got up from the table and started moving plates perhaps they would've offered. I always at least offer to help. The more people doing the washing/ tidying up means it's done quicker and then everyone can sit down and relax. In our house I only really have close friends who come for dinner/supper and one will usually insist on jumping up to start washing up and putting away (he knows where everything goes). Our house is pretty open plan (not in a good way) so we can all still chat at same time.
Oh of course we got up and moved plates and glasses. We couldn't sit in the mess. I'm not hung up about it. It's just my mum FaceTimed me after and she was shocked how messed up the kitchen was. She thought it was really rude.

I didn't really, they were knackered and had come a long way. I was just grateful for that to be honest.

But just wondering what the etiquette is. Because when I'm a guest I at least offer to bring plates to the sink. I wouldn't have let guests actually clean up anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 08:30

@Divebar2021

In my mind if children ( especially toddlers) were at this event then I wouldn’t describe it as a “dinner party”. Growing up in the 70’s 80’s my mother had “dinner parties” and it was an adults only affair. I was expected to be in bed or stay out the way. I’m not sure if anyone does those kinds of events anymore.
Yes this was not any kind of formal thing. Calling it a dinner party, is completely wrong on my part. It was also during the day haha. As we have kids. Everyone arrived at 2 and left at around 6.
OP posts:
RedHot22 · 18/12/2021 08:31

I would never offer to clear up in this situation or expect anyone to help if I was hosting. The only exception would be family at a lunchtime do.

SuPerDoPer · 18/12/2021 08:34

My American family always try to help clear up much more than I'm comfortable with. They will stack my dishwasher incorrectly or pile things up unhelpfully. My British family leave me to do most of it, which I'm fine with.

Original poster
xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 08:35

@SuPerDoPer

My American family always try to help clear up much more than I'm comfortable with. They will stack my dishwasher incorrectly or pile things up unhelpfully. My British family leave me to do most of it, which I'm fine with.
I also have American family and they will not take no for an answer ! So when I'm at theirs, I get stuck in too.
OP posts:
Subbaxeo · 18/12/2021 08:36

We often have people round and I don’t let guests clear up apart from bringing a couple of things over from the table. Then I tell them to sit down and relax. I want to enjoy a relaxing evening and bumping into people and telling them where to put things isn’t my idea of relaxing. So as a host, rule is guests don’t do anything! Same when we have friends to stay too. It’s reciprocal though-we don’t do it at their houses.

SuPerDoPer · 18/12/2021 08:37

It's just my mum FaceTimed me after and she was shocked how messed up the kitchen was. She thought it was really rude.

SuPerDoPer · 18/12/2021 08:37

Sorry, meant to say it's not rude at all and totally normal.

getsanta · 18/12/2021 08:40

@beenthereboughtthetshirt

you don't leave your guests while you get stuck into the dishes. Leave them and sit with your guests.
Agree with this. The hosts shouldn't be doing a full clean up either. Just move stuff to the kitchen and get back to your guests. Do the dishes after they leave.

I would offer to help, but be surprised if a host took me up on it. Different with family though.

Goldbar · 18/12/2021 08:46

If children were invited, I would be watching my child rather than helping. Though if my DH was there, one of us could watch them and one help if we thought that was what the host wanted. I wouldn't leave a small child unattended in a strange house to help, though.