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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you help clean up after a dinner party ?

144 replies

xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 00:20

This is such a random one. Really not a big deal at all.

I had a dinner party recently where my DH and I cooked our hearts out. I invited three couples over. We all have toddlers born the same year, who were also present.

I've not held many dinner parties and this was the first with children. We all had children during covid, so just haven't had many opportunities. They all came quite a long way ( around an hour ) to visit and I'm so grateful that they did.

So here's my super random question: no one lifted even one finger fo help clean up / clear the table at all, all night. I usually have dinner parties with family only, especially since covid and lock downs etc. This would never ever happen. Everyone would pitch in and help out at least a bit.

Is this the norm ? Is it because we all have small children ? Really curious how it works at other people's dinner parties. I personally can't imagine going to one and not even attempting to offer to help out a little / clear a few glasses. I'm also heavily pregnant.

I wasn't miffed about it. It's just that the difference in approach really surprised me. In a way it was nice that we weren't rushing around trying to clean up and we just left it until everyone went home. We really had the time to chat etc. So it wasn't terrible. I also managed fine cleaning it all up at the end.

My husband and I are a more international couple, so always interested to see how people tend to do things in this country. Maybe the difference is cultural. However, the majority of my friends are also international - we've all lived in the UK for ages though. So I'm not sure the international point is even relevant.

OP posts:

TrickyD · 18/12/2021 08:56

If it is a family meal, yes, help to clear accepted as they are familiar with bomb site kitchen,

Guests, certainly not. Nor, amongst our circle of friends, does anyone offer nor would it be accepted.

Irrelevant really here as DH gets up early and deals with the lot.

Toplowlight · 18/12/2021 09:26

I would always offer to help at someone else’s house, but when I host parties I refuse offers of help because I want to sit and relax and leave the cleaning up til they’ve gone home.

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2021 09:41

I don't think there's any strict rules on this, because it just depends on the relationship, the situation, people's cultures etc. So you can't say it's rude or not rude, and family events are different.

If there's a typical situation in the UK, it's that guests would offer and the host would decline.

I personally would usually rather people leave me to it, partly because I want them to relax and and enjoy themselves, and partly because I'd find it more relaxing to deal with it in my own time after they go.

I'm guessing they were tired, and they have a hour drive home - and you have a DP who isn't pregnant, so they'd assume he'd do the heavy lifting. It would have been nice to offer to help, but I wouldn't think badly of them that they didn't - you did chose to host the event.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/12/2021 09:48

I hate it when guests insist on "helping" and start clearing the table. It really is no help at all! They're just carrying the dirty plates and piling them on the kitchen counter where there's no space or even worse putting dirty plates in the sink which then have to be removed before we can do anything else.

This is me too! I really hate dirty plates sitting in the sink at any time as it puts the sink out of action.

Some kinds of help can be useful - family seem to instinctively know what will actually be of use, but maybe that’s because we tend to do things in a similar way!

Thwackit · 18/12/2021 11:07

I would always offer, and mean it. Equally, as a host I would appreciate offers of help. I always help clear the table at my in-laws, even though they are technically family as I don’t see why my mil should cook, serve and clear like it’s a restaurant.

Nsky · 18/12/2021 11:14

Never had dinner parties, many years ago when I did Xmas, the men ( 3 visiting) did dishes my ex did dinning table Xmas Eve.
Now I do everything you are my guests

TrickyD · 18/12/2021 14:38

Surely this one of those class delineators much loved on Mumsnet?

Help with clearing and washing up, WC or LMC
No help offered or wanted, MC, UMC.
Footmen and Butler to deal with it, UC.

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2021 14:42

I think it’s a bit of a drip feed there. It’s normal to offer to help when the hosts start clearing up, it’s beyond rude to suggest to the hosts they need to start cleaning up by offering.

MatildaTheCat · 18/12/2021 14:50

I remember the mammoth mess of those days!

Now I do things differently. Only cook things that do not need a lot of elaborate pots and pans and keep it easy. Usually ask each couple to bring and serve one course. Super easy and spreads the load.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 18/12/2021 14:56

I’d expect people to offer, but beyond family / very close friends I’d refuse the offer! I find most people (myself included!) like things done a certain way, so helping often isn’t helpful. That said, when my friend with small kids invites me over when I’m child free, I do do my best to give her a hand, because she’s got enough on her plate.

Tricked2003 · 18/12/2021 17:13

I would always offer to help with dishes and clearing the table. I like it when my guests offer to help even if I don't need it.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 18/12/2021 17:20

I don’t understand, if these are ‘lifelong’ friends, how this is the first time this has come up?

Is this the first time you’ve hosted your lifelong friends?

I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules.

I offer to help at other people’s houses, but I don’t like guests helping at mine - I just prefer DH and into clear it all away when everyone’s left.

Plantstrees · 18/12/2021 17:21

At a fairly formal dinner party I wouldn't expect help but I definitely would at any family gathering. I often eat at friend's houses and always offer but graciously stay seated when they refuse my help. I think with having friends for dinner, none of us would want to start washing up as we want to spend the evening chatting over the wine etc so its best to leave it until everyone has left. Family is a bit different as I see them more often and would feel bad leaving my dm/dd to do the dishes afterwards.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 18/12/2021 17:29

Having been to quite a few dinners and informal 'dos', if it's quite formal and sitting at the table with wine etc, then you do the clearing.

If it's informal, with kids, or a barbecue etc, then everyone helps clear up.

Last time we had visitors, I had everything in the dishwasher and sorted before they even realised I was out of the room.

KaycePollard · 18/12/2021 17:32

no one lifted even one finger fo help clean up / clear the table at all, all night

In this situation, no, I wouldn’t “lift a finger.” And as a host, I really do not want my guests in my kitchen trying to be “helpful” - they’re not!

Family is different.

sbhydrogen · 18/12/2021 17:32

At a dinner party I wouldn't allow my guests to clear up. Not because I want them to relax, it's because I'd rather they didn't put stuff in the wrong place.

I've had too many wine glasses broken because people think they're 'helping' by putting them in the sink.

HazelBite · 18/12/2021 17:34

I "host" a lot , both family and friends (we have what everyone refers to as "the party room")
I do not want anyone to help clear up, I find it really annoying if they do start ferrying plates or glasses around and dumping them randomly on kitchen worktops, especially if I am trying to pipe cream on a desert or making coffee in the kitchen at the time.
No leave it to me and DH and just sit, socialise, drink and enjoy yourselves.

Proseccoagain · 18/12/2021 17:38

The first time we went to dinner with the couple who became very close friends, I remember the wife saying "We don't expect you to clear/wash up in our house, and I don't expect to wash up in yours." And that was it from then on - we just enjoyed each others' company.

HazelBite · 18/12/2021 17:41

Years ago "guests" put my Aunt's Waterford crystal in the dishwasher, fortunately she realised shortly after the helpful guest had started the dishwasher!

minipie · 18/12/2021 17:41

In my circle the norm is for guests to help clear plates and cutlery and take them to the dishwasher. Also may help with plating up and taking food to table. Usually only one or two people help as any more would be too crowded.

IMO the main purpose is to keep the host company and chat while they serve up and clear rather than for any massive help with the task, which they usually have under control. I always appreciate it when I am the host and reciprocate when I am the guest.

So yanbu to have expected people to lend a (minor) hand OP though I agree that having little ones does mean they were probably preoccupied.

00100001 · 18/12/2021 17:45

They could at least help carry dishes etc back to the kitchen and poo them in sides/wherever directed

Lazy gits.

Don't make "oh they're tired" excuses for them... it's not exactly much effort to take a salad bowl from a table to a kitchen side...

Pangolin44 · 18/12/2021 17:46

I would never expect guests to 'help out', that's not how hosting works.

00100001 · 18/12/2021 17:58

@Pangolin44

I would never expect guests to 'help out', that's not how hosting works.

But it's also not how being a guest works either.

As a guest you, at the bare minimum, half heartedly offer some sort of help.

xmastreez · 18/12/2021 18:12

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

I don’t understand, if these are ‘lifelong’ friends, how this is the first time this has come up?

Is this the first time you’ve hosted your lifelong friends?

I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules.

I offer to help at other people’s houses, but I don’t like guests helping at mine - I just prefer DH and into clear it all away when everyone’s left.

It's been ages to be honest ! I remember we used to help each other back in the day. The last time I had them over, I honestly can't remember how it was.

I don't see them that often, but have known them for 20 years or so.

ShirleyPhallus · 18/12/2021 18:13

They could at least help carry dishes etc back to the kitchen and poo them in sides/wherever directed

I don’t think that would be very helpful to the clean up operation @00100001

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