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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you help clean up after a dinner party ?

144 replies

xmastreezz · 18/12/2021 00:20

This is such a random one. Really not a big deal at all.

I had a dinner party recently where my DH and I cooked our hearts out. I invited three couples over. We all have toddlers born the same year, who were also present.

I've not held many dinner parties and this was the first with children. We all had children during covid, so just haven't had many opportunities. They all came quite a long way ( around an hour ) to visit and I'm so grateful that they did.

So here's my super random question: no one lifted even one finger fo help clean up / clear the table at all, all night. I usually have dinner parties with family only, especially since covid and lock downs etc. This would never ever happen. Everyone would pitch in and help out at least a bit.

Is this the norm ? Is it because we all have small children ? Really curious how it works at other people's dinner parties. I personally can't imagine going to one and not even attempting to offer to help out a little / clear a few glasses. I'm also heavily pregnant.

I wasn't miffed about it. It's just that the difference in approach really surprised me. In a way it was nice that we weren't rushing around trying to clean up and we just left it until everyone went home. We really had the time to chat etc. So it wasn't terrible. I also managed fine cleaning it all up at the end.

My husband and I are a more international couple, so always interested to see how people tend to do things in this country. Maybe the difference is cultural. However, the majority of my friends are also international - we've all lived in the UK for ages though. So I'm not sure the international point is even relevant.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 18/12/2021 02:19

I agree with the poster who said the norm is to offer to help but for the hostess to decline the help.

From my own personal experience, there is no money on this earth that would make me cheerfully welco.e guests into my bombsite of a kitchen after I've spent the afternoon cooking my heart out.

I once had the horrible experience of a very persistent guest who helped clear up despite my assurance that I had it all in hand. I have my own way of organizing a cleanup and she had hers. Hers may well have been fine for her kitchen but it wasn't for mine.. It took me far longer to get it all squared away than it would have if I had done the whole thing.

LiterallyKnowsBest · 18/12/2021 02:20

Well you positioned the evening as a ‘dinner party’ … So if you wanted people other than the hosts to clear up, you should probably have hired a couple of students. Bit much to ask people to (dress up a bit?) drive for more than an hour, be entertaining and turn into kitchen staff. Far too many of them, anyway.

One couple, for supper … different.

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 18/12/2021 02:24

you don't leave your guests while you get stuck into the dishes. Leave them and sit with your guests.

user1471457751 · 18/12/2021 02:32

It would have been weird for your guests to start clearing up when you weren't doing so

notangelinajolie · 18/12/2021 02:33

I would offer if I was a guest. But as a host I would decline.

Hellolittlestar · 18/12/2021 02:52

I don’t clean up at friends houses and don’t want them to do so in mine.
If it’s a barbecue in the garden then helping carry things inside would be ok.

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 04:07

I get anxious when guests start washing up after eating, even if it’s my mum or sisters or best friend.

I also just put my plate in the sink when I’m a guest, for some reason even though I can wash dishes super fast at home, I hate washing up in other people’s homes, except my mum’s.

UnsuitableHat · 18/12/2021 04:10

I’d probably help clear plates & glasses. I wouldn’t do any washing up, and wouldn’t like it if someone tried to do that at mine.

Momijin · 18/12/2021 05:35

If they have driven quite a bit, it is better for them to relax. If they lived close by then they should help at least clear the table.

Some of my friends clear everything up, others don't. Depends on the vibe.

Caspianberg · 18/12/2021 06:48

I have a young child, and if people visit everyone does usually lend a hand.
If multiple toddlers, usually 1-2 adults round them up into the living room safely to play, and the other few all lend a hand to quickly clean up

I don’t mean always completely clean, but at least everything piled on the side next to sink or dishwasher, and table/ floor vaguely cleaned from toddler mess. Then dh and I would finish up later on. Some friends help load dishwasher as well

If it’s too much, you need to just ask I think. Most people with young children might just think they need to watch them. But if you had 6 adults and 3 toddlers and feel it’s too much, there’s nothing wrong with just asking that half watch toddlers 10 mins and the other half lend you a hand. Especially if your pregnant.

Hollyhead · 18/12/2021 06:54

I find it very rude when guests insist on helping. Mess doesn’t bother me and often I’ll whack on the dishwasher but do most of it the next morning.

People bringing things up from the table can be helpful but that’s as far as my line goes. My sister once snuck off and did the washing up and it ruined the occasion for me, she put everything away wrong, and dried stuff up which I never do because it’s unhygienic. Bleeugh.

underneaththeash · 18/12/2021 06:54

I'd expect family to help, but not guests.

anne2650 · 18/12/2021 06:58

Very rude of your friends not lifting a finger to help clear up. DH and I did all the washing up after a dinner party at friends back in the summer.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 18/12/2021 07:00

As a guest, I'll always help clear the table. Most of our friends have dishwashers, and prefer to stack it their own way. I'll happily wash up anything that doesn't go in the dishwasher.

As a host, happy for guests to help clear the table but I don't let them do anything else.
I think it's rude not to offer to help, the host can decline that help if they wish.

Thelikelylass · 18/12/2021 07:17

When I have dinner parties no way do I want my guests to move - I love seeing them sit and relax, they may bring a few dishes over to the kitchen area, but that's it. I expect to do nothing when I go to friends' homes too!

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 18/12/2021 07:22

I went to a dinner party the other day and it only just occurred to me that we didn’t help clear up. I think with more informal events I would offer to bring a dish and clear up but for a more formal dinner or a first time visit I would just bring alcohol and only clear away if it felt natural. People get offended if you help as if it’s a comment on their tidiness.

UseOfWeapons · 18/12/2021 07:23

I think they should have offered, and you should have accepted it if they did. There is something friendly and intimate about clearing up together.
I’ve lived in 2 other countries, and I’ve found this is the norm. I wouldn’t stress about if it it wasn’t offered, but even with people I hardly knew, it’s polite to to offer to help.

Sally872 · 18/12/2021 07:27

I think it would also have been rude for them to suggest clearing up. If you had started while they were there i expect they should have offered to help but think it was fine to follow your lead.

LizzieSiddal · 18/12/2021 07:32

It’s the “life long friends” which is the important bit here, I would always help clear away the table and also scrap plates etc, then leave everything piled by the dishwasher. And my friends would do the same if at my house.

I think it’s just so rude not to help in this situation, especially as you’re so close that you used to live together.

With other guest (apart form close family) I couldn't expect any help at all.

terriblyangryattimes · 18/12/2021 07:33

I will always stand up and help clear the table, ferry things to the kitchen and load the dishwasher if my offer to is accepted. I'll also offer to help with dessert etc. Regardless of if I've bought kids with me or not! Your friends were rude not to even offer.

Did they bring anything with them for their hosts?

IamnotSethRogan · 18/12/2021 07:36

No I wouldn't expect guests to tidy up.

Parusmajor · 18/12/2021 07:39

I think it's normal for guests to offer to help.

I always say no as I hate people piling into the kitchen with the dirty dishes and trying to helpfully put it everywhere, getting under my feet! (I can be a grumpy bugger though!) But would always offer as a guest and help if the host accepts.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 18/12/2021 07:40

If friends have come round for dinner (and especially driven about an hour there / back), I want to spend time relaxing with them, not cleaning / tidying up. I’d leave it until they has left and don’t even massively appreciate anyone bringing through plates. I like to be in charge of my own space.

TokyoSushi · 18/12/2021 07:41

The guest should offer, the host should decline.

ShirleyPhallus · 18/12/2021 07:42

@anne2650

Very rude of your friends not lifting a finger to help clear up. DH and I did all the washing up after a dinner party at friends back in the summer.
This is nuts