Been seeing this guy from work just over two months. On our first date he told me some very personal stuff about his family (dad was a violent drunk who used to beat up his mum and he left them and died without this being resolved between them). He cried when he told me this.
I've been in an abusive marriage and spoke about that. At the time it seemed natural and that he was confiding in me because he felt a strong connection but I'm aware it was quite intense for a first date.
A week or so later he told me about a traumatic event in his past where one of his friends drowned and he was there and felt he didn't do enough to save him. He carries this guilt with him and it leads to bouts of depression. He drinks to counter this.
Shortly after this he told me he had been sexually abused by his Nan's husband when he was ten and that he had never told anyone this, not even his mum or his twin brother.
By this time I felt that this was quite a lot to offload on me, he is adamant the only thing he is not over is the friend drowning and this is what makes him depressed. I was in part flattered that he felt he could tell me this but also a bit nonplussed about how I could help him get over these things.
I'm 12 years older than him, have my own house, a good job and kids so I'm not looking for him to marry me or take care of me. When we're together we get on incredibly well and are very relaxed around each other.
A few weeks ago he got drunk and told me on WhatsApp that he loved me. I told him to tell me that in person if he still felt it but when we met in person he said he thought it was too early to say those words. I was upset about this as it felt disingenuous to have said it and then retracted it. He says he finds it hard to express these things without drinking.
He has ended things with me today because he says I am hard work. He says I analyse everything he says and play games with him. I do talk about his drinking and how it concerns me a lot, about his attitude when I am upset or angry (he becomes very defensive and puts the blame back on me). I've also encouraged him to see a counsellor and told him I don't think it's just his friends death he needs to deal with.
For a relatively short relationship it has been seriously intense. I have probably stuck with it because 98% of the time when we are together we feel very content. We don't speak about these issues and his drinking is only when he doesn't see me (which is quite a lot as I have my kids 60% of the time and he hasn't met them yet so doesn't see me when they are here).
The latest argument today was about the kids, he has bought them a Christmas present and talked about wanting to teach them it (it's a game he plays). I said we would have to wait until we were solid and for the long term before he met them and he said we weren't solid but despite that I had been dropping hints that I wanted him to meet them which was game playing. I told him we were going to see the new Spiderman film on Christmas Eve and he said he was going to see it alone and I mentioned jokingly that it would be funny if he came separately but sat down next to me and we pretended we didn't know each other. On reflection it was probably not the best joke but he sees that as me saying I want him to meet them.
Sorry for the long post, I guess I just want some perspective on what has gone on here. I've done a lot of work on myself since my marriage ended and I thought I had good boundaries but for some reason this man has made me feel really vulnerable and like I'm not a good person.
I know I need to get a grip