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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I hard work?

152 replies

softygirl · 18/12/2021 00:06

Been seeing this guy from work just over two months. On our first date he told me some very personal stuff about his family (dad was a violent drunk who used to beat up his mum and he left them and died without this being resolved between them). He cried when he told me this.

I've been in an abusive marriage and spoke about that. At the time it seemed natural and that he was confiding in me because he felt a strong connection but I'm aware it was quite intense for a first date.

A week or so later he told me about a traumatic event in his past where one of his friends drowned and he was there and felt he didn't do enough to save him. He carries this guilt with him and it leads to bouts of depression. He drinks to counter this.

Shortly after this he told me he had been sexually abused by his Nan's husband when he was ten and that he had never told anyone this, not even his mum or his twin brother.

By this time I felt that this was quite a lot to offload on me, he is adamant the only thing he is not over is the friend drowning and this is what makes him depressed. I was in part flattered that he felt he could tell me this but also a bit nonplussed about how I could help him get over these things.

I'm 12 years older than him, have my own house, a good job and kids so I'm not looking for him to marry me or take care of me. When we're together we get on incredibly well and are very relaxed around each other.

A few weeks ago he got drunk and told me on WhatsApp that he loved me. I told him to tell me that in person if he still felt it but when we met in person he said he thought it was too early to say those words. I was upset about this as it felt disingenuous to have said it and then retracted it. He says he finds it hard to express these things without drinking.

He has ended things with me today because he says I am hard work. He says I analyse everything he says and play games with him. I do talk about his drinking and how it concerns me a lot, about his attitude when I am upset or angry (he becomes very defensive and puts the blame back on me). I've also encouraged him to see a counsellor and told him I don't think it's just his friends death he needs to deal with.

For a relatively short relationship it has been seriously intense. I have probably stuck with it because 98% of the time when we are together we feel very content. We don't speak about these issues and his drinking is only when he doesn't see me (which is quite a lot as I have my kids 60% of the time and he hasn't met them yet so doesn't see me when they are here).

The latest argument today was about the kids, he has bought them a Christmas present and talked about wanting to teach them it (it's a game he plays). I said we would have to wait until we were solid and for the long term before he met them and he said we weren't solid but despite that I had been dropping hints that I wanted him to meet them which was game playing. I told him we were going to see the new Spiderman film on Christmas Eve and he said he was going to see it alone and I mentioned jokingly that it would be funny if he came separately but sat down next to me and we pretended we didn't know each other. On reflection it was probably not the best joke but he sees that as me saying I want him to meet them.

Sorry for the long post, I guess I just want some perspective on what has gone on here. I've done a lot of work on myself since my marriage ended and I thought I had good boundaries but for some reason this man has made me feel really vulnerable and like I'm not a good person.

I know I need to get a grip

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 18/12/2021 03:58

You are hard work? It sounds as if he is the one who is hard work. It also sounds as if he thinks he's found someone to be his emotional sponge and caretaker, and anything that interferes with that fantasy is too much bother. I'm willing to bet that, eventually, he'll drink when he is with you, and blame you for it. There are so many red flags here that it looks like a field of poppies waving in the breeze. I think you're best off without this man.

CheekyHobson · 18/12/2021 04:16

On our first date he told me some very personal stuff... He cried when he told me this.

Red flag – oversharing early, creating false intimacy.

He carries this guilt with him and it leads to bouts of depression. He drinks to counter this.

Red flag – blaming his unhealthy choices today on something that happened many years ago (and quite possibly wasn't actually his fault)

a bit nonplussed about how I could help him get over these things.

Red flag – feeling like you need to 'help' or 'fix' someone – happens when they have presented themselves as a victim.

I'm 12 years older than him, have my own house, a good job and kids so I'm not looking for him to marry me or take care of me.

Red flag – you're quite lot older and financially secure so it's quite unusual that a younger man would be so interested in you. Not saying you're not lovely, but you have to have your eyes open about this.

A few weeks ago he got drunk and told me on WhatsApp that he loved me.

Red flag – overly intimate too soon, intimate declaration made at a distance, intimate declaration made when drunk.

He has ended things with me today because he says I am hard work. He says I analyse everything he says and play games with him.

Red flag – criticism of you and trying to get you to stop talking about his unhealthy behaviours.

He becomes very defensive and puts the blame back on me

Red flag – refusing to accept complaints/feedback.

he has bought them a Christmas present and talked about wanting to teach them it (it's a game he plays)

Red flag – this is called 'forced teaming' where someone accelerates trust or the progression of a relationship without your consent.

he sees that as me saying I want him to meet them.

Red flag – telling you "what you're saying" or "what you're thinking", as though he knows better than you do what you want/think.

this man has made me feel really vulnerable and like I'm not a good person.

Red flag – any time you feel like you need to 'prove yourself' or doubting whether you're good enough, it's a sign that the person you're with is doing or saying things that erode your self-esteem or self-confidence. This is exactly how abusers destroy your sense of self. If you believe you are a good person, and you meet someone who tells you they love you, but then acts or speaks to you in a way that makes you doubt your own goodness (particularly if you feel unclear about what you're really done wrong), this is a huge sign that they are abusive. Sowing confusion is the first tool of the abuser.

These attacks in me aren't great. You know none of them are true.

Red flag – trying to tell you what "you know" as though he gets to decide what 'the truth' is.

You're bitter and hateful at the minute. And that's not the you we both liked

Red flag – harsh criticism and again, 'rewriting history' by trying to tell you who the 'you' is that you like.

It sounds like you've seen the light now, but if you've been in an abusive relationship before, you're at a higher risk of falling into another. It's good to be crystal-clear about what sort of behaviour constitutes a red flag.

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 04:18

A lucky escape.

Don’t feel you need to be nice to him at work.

Be polite but cold and report the first instance of inappropriate behaviour to HR.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 18/12/2021 04:31

Block his number and hope to god he doesn't know where you live

Amichelle84 · 18/12/2021 04:56

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape. Don't go back there.

grapewine · 18/12/2021 05:03

Trauma dumping is a thing. It's not a good thing, though, and you are well shot of him. So many red flags.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 18/12/2021 05:04

Ugh. Fuck that! 2 months in? Dump and block.

grapewine · 18/12/2021 05:05

@CheekyHobson

On our first date he told me some very personal stuff... He cried when he told me this.

Red flag – oversharing early, creating false intimacy.

He carries this guilt with him and it leads to bouts of depression. He drinks to counter this.

Red flag – blaming his unhealthy choices today on something that happened many years ago (and quite possibly wasn't actually his fault)

a bit nonplussed about how I could help him get over these things.

Red flag – feeling like you need to 'help' or 'fix' someone – happens when they have presented themselves as a victim.

I'm 12 years older than him, have my own house, a good job and kids so I'm not looking for him to marry me or take care of me.

Red flag – you're quite lot older and financially secure so it's quite unusual that a younger man would be so interested in you. Not saying you're not lovely, but you have to have your eyes open about this.

A few weeks ago he got drunk and told me on WhatsApp that he loved me.

Red flag – overly intimate too soon, intimate declaration made at a distance, intimate declaration made when drunk.

He has ended things with me today because he says I am hard work. He says I analyse everything he says and play games with him.

Red flag – criticism of you and trying to get you to stop talking about his unhealthy behaviours.

He becomes very defensive and puts the blame back on me

Red flag – refusing to accept complaints/feedback.

he has bought them a Christmas present and talked about wanting to teach them it (it's a game he plays)

Red flag – this is called 'forced teaming' where someone accelerates trust or the progression of a relationship without your consent.

he sees that as me saying I want him to meet them.

Red flag – telling you "what you're saying" or "what you're thinking", as though he knows better than you do what you want/think.

this man has made me feel really vulnerable and like I'm not a good person.

Red flag – any time you feel like you need to 'prove yourself' or doubting whether you're good enough, it's a sign that the person you're with is doing or saying things that erode your self-esteem or self-confidence. This is exactly how abusers destroy your sense of self. If you believe you are a good person, and you meet someone who tells you they love you, but then acts or speaks to you in a way that makes you doubt your own goodness (particularly if you feel unclear about what you're really done wrong), this is a huge sign that they are abusive. Sowing confusion is the first tool of the abuser.

These attacks in me aren't great. You know none of them are true.

Red flag – trying to tell you what "you know" as though he gets to decide what 'the truth' is.

You're bitter and hateful at the minute. And that's not the you we both liked

Red flag – harsh criticism and again, 'rewriting history' by trying to tell you who the 'you' is that you like.

It sounds like you've seen the light now, but if you've been in an abusive relationship before, you're at a higher risk of falling into another. It's good to be crystal-clear about what sort of behaviour constitutes a red flag.

This is such a brilliant post and should be pinned in Relationships. So many issues with awful men are the same.
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 18/12/2021 05:15

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Ugh. Fuck that! 2 months in? Dump and block.
I mean it’d be dump and block at any stage of a relationship tbh!
WineAway · 18/12/2021 05:16

You need to block him now.

He will continue with his antics if you let him. The key is that you let him,

If you don’t engage he’ll find another victim

JennyForeigner · 18/12/2021 05:22

Sounds to me like he has no clue how to be in a relationship, felt vulnerable and conscious of the maturity gap and has chucked all this stuff at you thinking that's what an adult relationship looks like. You've had to respond at least basically in kind to de-awkward it and have been left feeling like a twat when he wondered why stewing in a bath of emotional disclosure felt shit.

It isn't about commitment, just having no idea what chilled out happy partner vibes feels like.

JennyForeigner · 18/12/2021 05:22

Also maybe a bit about commitment because weird emo boy is weird.

BouncyMonk · 18/12/2021 05:29

Oh OP you are not hard work, but this relationship is. You’ve got plenty in life to be getting on with, you don’t need this particular project.

I hope you stick to your guns on this one. It’s stressing me out just thinking about it. Nope nope nope nope nope!!

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 18/12/2021 05:31

Gurantee this guy is going to try and get back together with you.

Delete and block OP!

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/12/2021 05:33

@CheekyHobson

On our first date he told me some very personal stuff... He cried when he told me this.

Red flag – oversharing early, creating false intimacy.

He carries this guilt with him and it leads to bouts of depression. He drinks to counter this.

Red flag – blaming his unhealthy choices today on something that happened many years ago (and quite possibly wasn't actually his fault)

a bit nonplussed about how I could help him get over these things.

Red flag – feeling like you need to 'help' or 'fix' someone – happens when they have presented themselves as a victim.

I'm 12 years older than him, have my own house, a good job and kids so I'm not looking for him to marry me or take care of me.

Red flag – you're quite lot older and financially secure so it's quite unusual that a younger man would be so interested in you. Not saying you're not lovely, but you have to have your eyes open about this.

A few weeks ago he got drunk and told me on WhatsApp that he loved me.

Red flag – overly intimate too soon, intimate declaration made at a distance, intimate declaration made when drunk.

He has ended things with me today because he says I am hard work. He says I analyse everything he says and play games with him.

Red flag – criticism of you and trying to get you to stop talking about his unhealthy behaviours.

He becomes very defensive and puts the blame back on me

Red flag – refusing to accept complaints/feedback.

he has bought them a Christmas present and talked about wanting to teach them it (it's a game he plays)

Red flag – this is called 'forced teaming' where someone accelerates trust or the progression of a relationship without your consent.

he sees that as me saying I want him to meet them.

Red flag – telling you "what you're saying" or "what you're thinking", as though he knows better than you do what you want/think.

this man has made me feel really vulnerable and like I'm not a good person.

Red flag – any time you feel like you need to 'prove yourself' or doubting whether you're good enough, it's a sign that the person you're with is doing or saying things that erode your self-esteem or self-confidence. This is exactly how abusers destroy your sense of self. If you believe you are a good person, and you meet someone who tells you they love you, but then acts or speaks to you in a way that makes you doubt your own goodness (particularly if you feel unclear about what you're really done wrong), this is a huge sign that they are abusive. Sowing confusion is the first tool of the abuser.

These attacks in me aren't great. You know none of them are true.

Red flag – trying to tell you what "you know" as though he gets to decide what 'the truth' is.

You're bitter and hateful at the minute. And that's not the you we both liked

Red flag – harsh criticism and again, 'rewriting history' by trying to tell you who the 'you' is that you like.

It sounds like you've seen the light now, but if you've been in an abusive relationship before, you're at a higher risk of falling into another. It's good to be crystal-clear about what sort of behaviour constitutes a red flag.

What an amazing post. I am so glad you’ve seen the light op. Just reading your posts was giving me a lot of anxiety. It sounds as if he was looking for a new mummy to use and abuse.

This dumping was part of the narcissistic abuse cycle - idealisation, devaluation, rejection... rinse, repeat. You’re currently in the rejection phase. So good to see you’re making it permanent. www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-cycle/

daisychain01 · 18/12/2021 05:34

Sorry for the long post, I guess I just want some perspective on what has gone on here.

It sounds like he was using your dates as some sort of counselling session. He's had a lot of bad stuff happen, but that doesn't mean he should burden you with all of it, why would he tell you information you can do nothing with? You can't bring his friend back and you can't undo the bad things, and now he's pissed off with you because you aren't waving a magic wand over all his worries.

Harsh though it sounds I would distance yourself from him, you've made a lucky escape, you don't need him dragging you down.

RedRobin100 · 18/12/2021 05:39

God this sounds like wayyyyy too much hard work for two months OP.
Sorry but you have enough responsibilities without also being his crutch and counsellor

I’d run. Sounds like he’s sucking you in to a right hard time of it.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 18/12/2021 05:40

This is such a brilliant post and should be pinned in Relationships. So many issues with awful men are the same.

Yes. This.

RedRobin100 · 18/12/2021 05:42

@CheekyHobson

On our first date he told me some very personal stuff... He cried when he told me this.

Red flag – oversharing early, creating false intimacy.

He carries this guilt with him and it leads to bouts of depression. He drinks to counter this.

Red flag – blaming his unhealthy choices today on something that happened many years ago (and quite possibly wasn't actually his fault)

a bit nonplussed about how I could help him get over these things.

Red flag – feeling like you need to 'help' or 'fix' someone – happens when they have presented themselves as a victim.

I'm 12 years older than him, have my own house, a good job and kids so I'm not looking for him to marry me or take care of me.

Red flag – you're quite lot older and financially secure so it's quite unusual that a younger man would be so interested in you. Not saying you're not lovely, but you have to have your eyes open about this.

A few weeks ago he got drunk and told me on WhatsApp that he loved me.

Red flag – overly intimate too soon, intimate declaration made at a distance, intimate declaration made when drunk.

He has ended things with me today because he says I am hard work. He says I analyse everything he says and play games with him.

Red flag – criticism of you and trying to get you to stop talking about his unhealthy behaviours.

He becomes very defensive and puts the blame back on me

Red flag – refusing to accept complaints/feedback.

he has bought them a Christmas present and talked about wanting to teach them it (it's a game he plays)

Red flag – this is called 'forced teaming' where someone accelerates trust or the progression of a relationship without your consent.

he sees that as me saying I want him to meet them.

Red flag – telling you "what you're saying" or "what you're thinking", as though he knows better than you do what you want/think.

this man has made me feel really vulnerable and like I'm not a good person.

Red flag – any time you feel like you need to 'prove yourself' or doubting whether you're good enough, it's a sign that the person you're with is doing or saying things that erode your self-esteem or self-confidence. This is exactly how abusers destroy your sense of self. If you believe you are a good person, and you meet someone who tells you they love you, but then acts or speaks to you in a way that makes you doubt your own goodness (particularly if you feel unclear about what you're really done wrong), this is a huge sign that they are abusive. Sowing confusion is the first tool of the abuser.

These attacks in me aren't great. You know none of them are true.

Red flag – trying to tell you what "you know" as though he gets to decide what 'the truth' is.

You're bitter and hateful at the minute. And that's not the you we both liked

Red flag – harsh criticism and again, 'rewriting history' by trying to tell you who the 'you' is that you like.

It sounds like you've seen the light now, but if you've been in an abusive relationship before, you're at a higher risk of falling into another. It's good to be crystal-clear about what sort of behaviour constitutes a red flag.

Alllllllll of this!
Faevern · 18/12/2021 05:45

@softygirl seriously keep reading @CheekyHobson post because he will try to reel you back in or guilt trip you.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 18/12/2021 05:55

I can't really answer the question in your title because the whole OP is about this man, and how much of a mess he is and the unbelievable amount he expects/needs from you. So I can't really say for sure if you are hard work, but I suspect you aren't. It sounds like he is paranoid and feels hugely inadequate compared to you, so he turns that around onto you and accuses you of making him feel that way.

I know you've already been told this by pretty much every single PP on this thread, but I'll throw my hat into the ring anyway - DUMP HIM.

sammylady37 · 18/12/2021 06:00

I would expect him to up the ante and start the suicide threats soon, if he sees you’ve seen the light. DO NOT get drawn in by those. They’re hollow threats in an attempt to manipulate and control you.

Tanfastic · 18/12/2021 06:09

Just get rid now and have a happy Christmas with your kids. He sounds like a right laugh..... not!

LittleEsme · 18/12/2021 06:12

@softygirl

I'm not feeling upset at all, I'm so empowered by your support, all of you. I'm so much better than this!
YES OP. Your instincts are working.

Block, but be very careful in the next few months.

Does he know where you live and where you work? Just be vigilant.

ImmutableSexQueen · 18/12/2021 06:16

He's the one who is hard work. And he was looking for a mummy to take all his problems away. You're well rid of him and I'm glad you are feeling empowered.

Swipe left for the next trending thread