Page 9 | To be upset at not getting thank you note to acknowledge presents

Londonlassie12 · 2021-12-17T00:25:42+00:00

My dd is in an elite team sport & last Xmas & this Xmas I sent her coaches (5 in total) lovely gifts I would be delighted to recieve (yankee candle gift set.. Full sized jar with 3 little candles ) Not one of the coaches text to say thanks... Dd brought them to training last Monday... I'm very disheartened... DH is more pragmatic, his theory is we pay a fortune for training, a card & bottle of wine should suffice & I should stop acting as if we owe anymore... Aibu to be upset at not having the (expensive) gifts acknowledged?

Flowers500 · 17/12/2021 09:57

Firstly you need to stop spending so much on gifts that people don’t actually need or want, if they’re not someone close to you. And if you’re giving a coach a thank you gift then they will say thanks to the kid, they’re unlikely to keep track of all of these and are not paid to do hours of admin of sending notes to all the parents.

Earwigworries · 17/12/2021 09:57

I’m another who wouldn’t have thought a candle cost so much , another who hates scented items like this and would pass it on to a raffle or regift . Chances are the coaches also don’t get it … I’d stick with wine or chocolate next year .

It’s rude not to say thank you - but you are being silly to let it upset you . In all groups there are always preferred parents and kids ( the ones that got the thanks on social media) . There certainly is on my child’s sports activity . The key is to make sure that both you and your child is hardened to it . It’s no reflection on either of you.

blacktreegreysky · 17/12/2021 09:59

Different people have different cultures. Some people think you need to send a thank you after everything, some think its ok just to say thanks at the time the gift is handed over/ the party is over or whatever it is.

Some people love candles and others are just not bothered. If I am honest, I would have had no idea the candles were an expensive gift with thought behind them. I would have regarded them as the equivalent of a box of chocolates, a generic gift without much thought behind it, other than a quite nice thought that you wanted to do something.

Flowers500 · 17/12/2021 09:59

Are you giving them a present to say thanks or to get attention for yourself?

reluctantbrit · 17/12/2021 09:59

First: I personally think candles are a difficult gift. We couldn't use them at all as DH gets terrible headaches from any kind of intense smell, even the lilies in a bouquet I got had to be removed.

Also, not a lot of people know how expensive they are.

They most likely said thank you to your DD when accepting the gifts. If all the parents give gifts then they would spend a huge amount acknowleding them all.

DD is a Scout and we normally get a Christmas email where they also express their thanks for all gifts they receive. This year I got two verbal ones when we saw the leaders but the gifts were actually for a specific event they did, not because of Christmas.

Maybe re-think your reason behind the gifts and accept that something so specific is not really the right thing to give. We went with boring wine as I really had no idea and didn't want a voucher.

CheshireKitten123 · 17/12/2021 09:59

@alienbaby

Nah they are fucking rude it takes like 20 seconds to type "hello OP thank you so much for the gift, have a great Christmas"

This.

Don't do it next year - lesson learned.

HaveringWavering · 17/12/2021 10:04

It’s interesting, there are definitely people brought up to send thank you cards and people who were not taught as children that anything behind a smile and a thank you at the time was required. In the days when writing and sending a card was quite a hassle, it was kind of acknowledged that some people simply chose not to do it.

However, these days it’s very quick and easy to send a thank-you text so people have higher expectations I think. And we know this. I’m not a thank you card person but I do understand that texting a thank you is basic manners.

If I were the coach in this situation I would probably have thanked your daughter and taken the unwrapped present home to open on Xmas day (to me it is all shades of wrong to open a Xmas present before Xmas day). I would then text you after I opened it. And I would 100% say thank you even if I hated the present; all those people suggesting that the choice of gift has anything to do with the response have a weird idea of what manners are all about.

However this posting pics of other gifts in social media is really odd. I understand why you feel hurt OP.

HaveringWavering · 17/12/2021 10:05

Anything BEYOND a smile and a thank-you.

Tabbydancer · 17/12/2021 10:06

As I understand elite skating is a vipers nest.and highly competitive among parents so the non recognition of your gift probably feels more weighted - and the recognition of others feels like favouritism. It was a nice gift and gesture but you’re going to have to rise above it! As for thanks: sometimes people
Don’t . I’ve taken a kid away with me for a weekend and not had a peep from a parent! Try not to dwell on it.

Hoppinggreen · 17/12/2021 10:06

OP
I am sorry people are focusing on how much they dislike the actual gift rather than the rudeness issue. You should have been properly thanks whether they liked the gift or not.
You have gone a bit over the top with the gifts though and your reaction to the lack of gratitude so maybe dial it back a bit in the future

IamGusFring · 17/12/2021 10:06

TBH with you I think sometimes we should do these things "more like a man" - much less thought and just something easy 😁

godmum56 · 17/12/2021 10:09

you respond to thank you cards? and then you expect them to respond to your thank you for the thank you card message? and then you respond to that message? does this ever stop?

rookiemere · 17/12/2021 10:09

People always appreciate money. I gave our dog walker a personalised Christmas card with a picture of rookiedog and a week's dog walking fees in cash. She was very pleased .

I wouldn't mind getting candles as such, but I'd be a bit annoyed to think someone had spent so much on them, when there is much better things I'd get for that money. Particularly when we all know they'll be half price come 26th December.

peaceanddove · 17/12/2021 10:13

You are far, far too invested in this. It's unhealthy. Did you give the gifts as a genuine thank you for the coaches' hard work? Or because you want them to like you, and therefore make you feel better about yourself? You sound rather self pitying, to be frank.

These people aren't your friends, they're just doing their job. You say you answer every card, every present etc? Well, most people just do not have the time, or the inclination to do that.

TheCreamCaker · 17/12/2021 10:14

I'm of the older generation (62) and when I was growing up, we were told to send Thank You notes to anyone who got us a present. I did the same with my sons. Nowadays, people don't seem to bother with things like that.

My husband's nephew and wife had their 1st baby 2 months ago. I bought some gorgeous little outfits from Next, he took them round (I didn't go as was unwell). We never got so much as a text to say thanks. I'm no longer giving presents to anyone who can't be bothered to thank us.

SclepIntoChristmas · 17/12/2021 10:16

I wouldn't bother to buy them anything OP as it is a major hassle and they won't be expecting anything.

I don't send thank-you notes as a rule, as I make sure I say a big thank you there and then, and for me, that is enough. If you expect more than that from me, then please do not buy us anything in the future as my life is already inundated with admin without this on top.

I know someone like this. They expect a thank you card in the post after you have stood there for 10 minutes thanking them for it. Funny that whenever you buy them something, you never get a note off them.

2022HereWeCome · 17/12/2021 10:17

Hi OP generally people who don't say thank you are rude.

However, I think you are crazy buying any gifts for the coaches to be honest. I would not buy any gift - they are paid to coach your daughter and that is the end of it. They should treat your daughter the same as other kids regardless of whether you provide a gift or not, and if they aren't I would reconsider whether to continue with the activity. I've also found that all organisations have cliques and I suspect this is the case with the coaches / SM call outs.

I wouldn't bother with any gift in future. A Xmas card is enough if you feel you have to do anything. Gifts are so hard to get right. Eg PP say that hate candles, well I would hate a bottle of wine / champagne as I don't drink champagne and am v fussy about wine.

girlmom21 · 17/12/2021 10:17

@TheCreamCaker

I'm of the older generation (62) and when I was growing up, we were told to send Thank You notes to anyone who got us a present. I did the same with my sons. Nowadays, people don't seem to bother with things like that.

My husband's nephew and wife had their 1st baby 2 months ago. I bought some gorgeous little outfits from Next, he took them round (I didn't go as was unwell). We never got so much as a text to say thanks. I'm no longer giving presents to anyone who can't be bothered to thank us.

Why would they need to text if the gifts were hand delivered?

2022HereWeCome · 17/12/2021 10:20

I really don't understand this obsession with providing gifts when people are just doing their job. I do buy small gifts if someone has really gone above and beyond - think £4 box of biscuits type thing - but would do this at the time I received great service not at Xmas

2022HereWeCome · 17/12/2021 10:22

@girlmom21 because it is polite and thoughtful and shows appreciation. I don't understand why you wouldn't tbh

SclepIntoChristmas · 17/12/2021 10:22

My husband's nephew and wife had their 1st baby 2 months ago. I bought some gorgeous little outfits from Next, he took them round (I didn't go as was unwell). We never got so much as a text to say thanks. I'm no longer giving presents to anyone who can't be bothered to thank us.

Maybe it is not that they cannot be bothered to say thank you. Maybe she/ they are having a tough time and struggling. I remember my MIL berating me for not writing people thank you notes when my DS was born and TBH it was very low on my priority list. TBH, this sounds bad, but I remember at the time wishing that people, who I hardly knew, hadn't sent me anything as I didn't have time to shower, let alone go to, buy cards and stamps, write them and post them.

AngryApple · 17/12/2021 10:26

I sent a tutor a gift, and he just thanked me when I saw him. I’d not expect a text!

Just don’t spend so much next year. It’s a lot of money each for them all.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/12/2021 10:28

I always wrote thank you notes - to people who had sent me presents, that is, who I hadn't seen on the day I opened them.

In your case @TheCreamCaker your DH gave the gift and was present at its opening, so will have been thanked in person. That is enough.

I suspect what you're doing here is seeking to perpetuate sexism - the idea that gift-buying is a woman's responsibility, so naturally the recipient should have known that you'd chosen, bought and wrapped the gift and your DH was mere delivery boy.

Otherwise why would a sincere thank you to him, in person, for your joint gift, not suffice?

girlmom21 · 17/12/2021 10:31

[quote 2022HereWeCome]@girlmom21 because it is polite and thoughtful and shows appreciation. I don't understand why you wouldn't tbh[/quote]
You say thank you when you're given the gift, and then you text afterwards as well? And then a thank you card? And then expect a thank you for your thank you card, like the OP?

I'd rather not receive gifts than try and work out how many times I have to say thank you before offending someone.

SoupDragon · 17/12/2021 10:33

[quote 2022HereWeCome]@girlmom21 because it is polite and thoughtful and shows appreciation. I don't understand why you wouldn't tbh[/quote]
Because thanks have already been given in person.