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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at not getting thank you note to acknowledge presents

364 replies

Londonlassie12 · 17/12/2021 00:25

My dd is in an elite team sport & last Xmas & this Xmas I sent her coaches (5 in total) lovely gifts I would be delighted to recieve (yankee candle gift set.. Full sized jar with 3 little candles ) Not one of the coaches text to say thanks... Dd brought them to training last Monday... I'm very disheartened... DH is more pragmatic, his theory is we pay a fortune for training, a card & bottle of wine should suffice & I should stop acting as if we owe anymore... Aibu to be upset at not having the (expensive) gifts acknowledged?

OP posts:
Elodeastar · 17/12/2021 09:06

PS. This is meant with no disrespect to the efforts, skill and talent of your daughter, and the coaches, but I would be wary labelling a 7 year old as 'elite'.

Briarshollow · 17/12/2021 09:07

What on earth are these ‘elite’ high-level sports tiny Mumsnet kids are always involved in?😳

CarrieMoonbeams · 17/12/2021 09:08

I think you'll probably get a thank you after Christmas OP. A lot of adults don't get many - or any - gifts to open, so they're probably keeping them until Christmas Day itself.

Either way, you did a kind thing and if they don't say thank you, well, it says more about them than about you.

I probably have what are now considered old-fashioned manners (but then I am old!) but I wouldn't dream of not thanking someone for a gift, or dinner, or a favour or whatever.

Have a lovely Christmas Flowers

afinethingindeed · 17/12/2021 09:10

Yes, it's rude to not say thanks for the presents.
I'm not a huge fan of Yankee candles (though I keep being gifted them!) That said, I'd still thank the person gifting them!! Its a lovely gesture but don't bother next year, OP.

JellyfishandShells · 17/12/2021 09:10

My daughter used to get things like candles when she was swim coaching - so we would get them too when she passed them on. I donated a lot to charity raffles etc. Candle scents are a very personal preference.

She thought they were chosen because things that she would really have appreciated , like nice wine or chocolates, might have seemed to have an unhealthy connotation for someone involved in sports !

She’s a school teacher now and the gifts are mainly bottles of wine - not sure what that says.

FlibbertyGiblets · 17/12/2021 09:10

I can't get over £175 on candles.

SoupDragon · 17/12/2021 09:15

£35 is way too much per gift. Especially for something a bit "marmite" like candles. I've gone with Prosecco this year and I assume they said thank you to DD when she gave the gifts.

SallyWD · 17/12/2021 09:25

Bless you OP, I understand that you were thoughtful and just want an acknowledgement. When I was a child we always wrote thank you notes but very few people seem to do it these days. Just a quick text would show they appreciate the thought (whether they're in to candles or not is irrelevant. I'm not in to candles but always thank people who buy me candles). All I can say is maybe they will respond, maybe after Christmas. Just because they haven't responded yet doesn't mean they won't.

TeaAndStrumpets · 17/12/2021 09:25

I always used to tape some tenners in an envelope to my dustbin for the bin men. (Rural spot so safe!) They came really early so I never saw them. Ditto milkman. I used to leave a tip via the newsagent for the paper boy. This is just something I did every year. I never expected an acknowledgement, it was just a nice thing to do as they don't get heaps of money. As a church goer the cash in the collection box is not acknowledged. Often putting money in a tip jar is unseen.

OP surely you would be happy to give in these circumstances? Or are you only going to give to others if you get praise?

SnekkinOnDown · 17/12/2021 09:28

I really don't understand this need for repeatedly expressed thank yous in different forms. I am absurdly sure than ANY coach/teacher/ volunteer would say thank you to the child when presented with a gift where that gift be a candy cane, pebble or a candle. THAT is the thank you that matters.

In reality I think you over spent on gifts and are looking for some form of validation from the coaches? Do you generally need to be told that you have done well at something? To be rewarded with praise /thanks to boost your self worth? There is nothing wrong with that in certain circumstances (like in work) but really you need to work on your self confidence on a fundamental level if you find this upsetting.

I sent my 13 yo into school with a load of candles today myself. Some beautiful tired gift sets in a festive theme with three votives in each. They were bought in March/April so we're £3-4 a set reduced from £25 and she's happily giving them out with a little home painted card for her 4 favourite teachers. At no point at all do I expect a thank you or a text or email. They will say thank you to HER and if they don't she won't take them a present again 🤷🏼‍♀️

ShirleyPhallus · 17/12/2021 09:28

@Londonlassie12

Thanks for understanding, I'm so upset here, we give 100% to our child's activity, drive her all over the country, always pay her fees on time.. Always try our best to give a nice gift at Christmas & it's not appreciated... I do think hubby's probably right & I need to stop acting like we owe them more than term fees...
This is such an odd thing to say, do you think the coaches should be more grateful to you for driving her everywhere / paying your subs? That’s just the bare minimum I’d expect. It is her hobby after all
Nogoodusername · 17/12/2021 09:29

I had no idea Yankee candles cost so much - would have assumed £15 for a cracker of 3 small ones

Aprilx · 17/12/2021 09:30

I would assume they said thank you when they were handed the gift, I can’t see why they would then send a second thank you by text message. You seem disproportionately upset at not getting a personal thank you, as if you are only giving the gift to receive a big thank you big whereas in fact you wanted to thank the coaches.

I have heard of Yankee Candles but never really looked at them. I would have assumed any candle in a glass cost about £4, but whether £4 or £40 I am still going to assume the coach said thank you when they received it.

Candles I have received, sit around unused for a few years and then get binned. I would consider it to be one of those inoffensive but not particularly thoughtful gifts to be honest.

Derbee · 17/12/2021 09:30

Even though you spent a lot of money, Yankee candles are not something that most people would get excited about. They’ll probably sit in a cupboard gathering dust, or most likely be regifted. That may well be why they’re not being posted online - it’s a week before Christmas and they’re ideal for regifting for a token present, or for an obligatory present for a distant relative.

Giving gifts because you want out pourings of gratitude is a bit weird. Describing a 7 year old as “elite” sport is also a bit much. I think you might be too invested in what people think of you, and need a bit more attention than generic sports coaches are willing to give to individual parents. Learn a lesson for next year, and know that a card will do.

Spiderysummer · 17/12/2021 09:31

I know lots of people including myself who love a nice candle. It was a kind and generous gift, however I'm a teacher and I always thank the child directly, so I wouldn't be surprised that you didn't receive a text. Saying that I think it's awful to put any presents on social media (I have worked with a few teachers who have done that) it's even worse to only put a selected few on.

caketiger · 17/12/2021 09:31

Honestly you don't give to get a thank you. You don't know that they've opened the gifts you don't know that they like scented candles (there's another thread talking all about that) and you don't know what's going on in their lives.

Hemingwayscatz · 17/12/2021 09:32

I love candles personally but they aren’t everyone’s cup of tea so in future it’s easier to go with a fail safe like a gift card, alcohol or a food gift. I agree with PP who advised you take note of the gifts getting a special shout out for future reference.

They should have thanked you regardless of course, I’m imagining they thanked your DD when she handed them it.

Wideawakeandconfused · 17/12/2021 09:35

Did they acknowledge the gift when it was given by you DD? If they said thank you as it was given then that would be enough.

I think your expectations are slightly high if your the type of person that thanks someone for a thank you card for a gift you gave.

You sound very generous and thoughtful but honestly, a box of biscuits or a bottle of wine does the same job. My Dsis gets very excited about candles but personally, I dislike them and would end up regifting.

You did a nice thing, forget about it now and enjoy the rest of your Christmas.

WonderfulYou · 17/12/2021 09:38

I think PP are being rude about the type of gift.
A candle is a gift you’re less likely to go wrong with unlike chocolates or wine when many people don’t drink, have allergies or get those from everyone else.
It was nice you put so much thought into the gift but you spent way too much money on them.

I am wondering if your family are the type to write thank you letters to everyone who has sent them gifts?
I know many families do this.
So if you think it’s the norm you would think they were ungrateful but lots of people are grated and don’t do this.

billy1966 · 17/12/2021 09:38

Yes OP, that's very rude.

Any gift we have given over the years a text thank you has been received.

Very basic.

I would do a £5 gift in future.

Try not to be upset.Flowers

CoastalWave · 17/12/2021 09:54

Gymnastics by any chance?! lol

Next time, don't be trying to outdo the other kids/parents.

Small £5 gift. Job done.

flowersforbrains · 17/12/2021 09:55

Op, you sound very kind but you probably need to let this go and put it down to experience. There are a lot of rude people out there and this reflects more on them than it does on you.

No more gifts for the coaches going forward not even a fiver. Use the money instead to do something nice for your family.

Use your resources (time, money, energy) wisely on people who will appreciate your efforts. It's so much easier.

HoppingPavlova · 17/12/2021 09:55

I wouldn’t be bothered as long as they thanked your DD at the time. That should be enough.

listsandbudgets · 17/12/2021 09:56

A thank you would be polite. Even if as I do they can't stand Yankee candles they can regift the things!!

Next time a bottle of wine or box of chocs and a card would be fine.

It was a very kind and lovely gesture OP but next time think what they'd like rather than what you'd be delighted with and if you don't know get something generic.

Cocomarine · 17/12/2021 09:56

@WonderfulYou
A candle is a gift you’re less likely to go wrong with unlike chocolates or wine when many people don’t drink, have allergies or get those from everyone else.

I think you’re wrong. I think you’re at least as likely to give a candle to someone who doesn’t like them as you are chocolate to wine, and I think the latter are more likely to be easily regifted.