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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at not getting thank you note to acknowledge presents

364 replies

Londonlassie12 · 17/12/2021 00:25

My dd is in an elite team sport & last Xmas & this Xmas I sent her coaches (5 in total) lovely gifts I would be delighted to recieve (yankee candle gift set.. Full sized jar with 3 little candles ) Not one of the coaches text to say thanks... Dd brought them to training last Monday... I'm very disheartened... DH is more pragmatic, his theory is we pay a fortune for training, a card & bottle of wine should suffice & I should stop acting as if we owe anymore... Aibu to be upset at not having the (expensive) gifts acknowledged?

OP posts:
ohreallynotreally · 17/12/2021 08:26

I personally would not expect a thank you until after Christmas…if gift is wrapped they wouldn’t have opened it yet !

Newduvet · 17/12/2021 08:28

I am still trying to imagine a 7 year old lugging 5 large Yankee candle sets into the gym to hand out. Surely someone helped her with that, those large candles are heavy let alone with more candles in a set. Were you with her? If so, maybe the thanks they gave to your daughter at the time was deemed fit and having to write a note/send a text/display on FB would seem like they were thanking you twice especially if you were in the vacinity.

OR was it that the pressies were wrapped and you thought they would absolutely adore them when they opened them because you spent so much and thought they would thank you personally, again for them?

itsgoodtobehome · 17/12/2021 08:29

I always associate Yankee candles with the ones they try and fob off on your for £1 when you buy cards, so I would never realise they were so expensive. I would just assume you got it as a freebie!!

DontTellThemYourNamePike · 17/12/2021 08:30

@Allsorts1 I would really love that to be true🤣🤣

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/12/2021 08:32

We sometimes had thank you cards from teachers when the children went back in January.

Hoppinggreen · 17/12/2021 08:32

@Londonlassie12

Thanks for the replies, yes I think that's the end of the gifts, I spent 35 quid each on 5 coaches so 175 quid😢 a simple thanks for acknowledging would be nice...
Yes they should have thanked you but that’s a bit OTT.
unfortunateevents · 17/12/2021 08:33

You are overthinking this. You have also been overly generous - £35 each on gifts for a sports coach - 5 times! I honestly feel that a token like wine, chocolates or a single candle, if that is your thing, would have been fine. You seem to think that the coaches owe you some kind of thanks for paying fees on time and ensuring your daughter gets to competitions etc- surely you are doing this for her, not them, and they are aware of that?

That said, I think it is in bad taste that they have posted pics of other gifts received on social media - how is that making people who can't afford extravagant gifts feel?

PinkSyCo · 17/12/2021 08:34

I'm so upset here, we give 100% to our child's activity, drive her all over the country, always pay her fees on time.

Presumably you do all this for your/your DD’s sake. If not maybe the coaches should be buying YOU thank you candles.

bucketsoflove · 17/12/2021 08:38

It is always nice to be thanked but they presumably said thank you to your daughter at the time, and they may receive so many presents that sending thank yous would be a big chore.

I'm with your DH though, why are you spending so much money, and on something very much to your own taste?

I would not appreciate at all being given a candle of any description and would have no idea of the cost (staggered TBH) so wouldn't realise how much you had spent.

Cocomarine · 17/12/2021 08:38

@Londonlassie12

Thanks for understanding, I'm so upset here, we give 100% to our child's activity, drive her all over the country, always pay her fees on time.. Always try our best to give a nice gift at Christmas & it's not appreciated... I do think hubby's probably right & I need to stop acting like we owe them more than term fees...
That’s just weird thinking. That “100%” is all for your daughter, not her coaches. And maybe a bit for your own vicarious bragging rights of course - like being able to post on MN that your 7yo is an elite athlete - and I’m not knocking that! But it’s not for the coaches.

As for paying your fees on time?!!!
So you bloody should!

AnneElliott · 17/12/2021 08:38

Won't they thank you after Xmas? You said they were wrapped so presumably they haven't opened them and won't do until Xmas day? I send all my thank you letters after Christmas when I've actually opened the presents!

gannett · 17/12/2021 08:40

OP's reaction to this suggests she gave gifts in some bid to get attention, rather than giving a gift for the sake of wanting someone you care about to have something nice.

I take the view that if you've thanked someone in person (ie, when you handed the gift over) you don't need to follow it up with a text or a card. Especially when it's a generic gift based on a professional relationship. I'd only write a follow-up thankyou note to a friend who gave me something particularly personal. Fancy candles ain't that.

DP often receives nice gifts from the parents of kids he tutors and has never sent a thankyou text (presumably he thanked them in person). It's definitely never affected his relationships with them. (In some cases there's definitely a vibe of "apology gift for having to put up with our impossible offspring"!)

AngelinaFibres · 17/12/2021 08:40

I think that if you change your mindset OP and send a smaller gift /card with a personal message, simply because the sending gives you pleasure and not in expectation of being told how wonderful you are, you will be better able to enjoy any thank you that you get and not disappointed if it is not forthcoming.

Bettyboopawoop · 17/12/2021 08:40

Perhaps they said Thank you to your daughter when she handed them over and thought that was sufficient?

Dearblossom · 17/12/2021 08:42

That's a lot to spend. If it was me receiving and I knew the cost and I had opened already even though Christmas isn't here yet, I might feel that the parent was trying to buy my favour. I also wouldn't expect a thank you as my child had handed over the gifts and I presume got a thank you at the time and, if I was to expect a thank you, it would be after Xmas as you aren't allowed to open your presents yet!

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 17/12/2021 08:43

Sorry but you're way over invested in how close you think this relationship should be. They're you child's coaches. As for expecting a text saying that they love coaching her - it's like you think they're privileged to have you in their lives?

Phobiaphobic · 17/12/2021 08:51

@Londonlassie12

The sets were 35 quid each & dd helped me wrap them & she did the cards.. I feel deflated.. If anyone gives me anything ever I send a thank you immediately.... it's just nice... DH say I need to stop acting like we owe them something, tuition is costing a fortune
I agree with your DH.
RedMozzieYellowMozzie · 17/12/2021 08:52

You thank people for thank you cards - you're way OTT. Listen to your husband and stop giving such expensive presents

BulldogDrummondBass · 17/12/2021 08:55

I agree with you that it would be nice to receive a thank you, but I think it is increasingly rare these days. I was always made to write thank you notes to all my relatives for Christmas and birthday presents, and I still do that. However, my nieces and nephews have never written to me, and that’s ok.

I am a bit shocked that Yankee candles are so expensive, though! I always thought they were an inexpensive brand.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 17/12/2021 08:56

It might work better to just have all the parents chuck in £5 next time and give a voucher so they can get something they each want, candles aren't to everyone's taste. They should have thanked your DD in person (and most likely did) and that would be enough.

CrystalMaisie · 17/12/2021 09:01

I hate candles, wouldn’t know the difference between Aldi’s and expensive, and see them as a generic boring present. Maybe they feel the same.

UnsuitableHat · 17/12/2021 09:03

Yanbu, of course people should say thanks for gifts. Maybe they thanked your DD at the time and thought that covered it.

nicesausages · 17/12/2021 09:03

Goodness, it actually wouldn't have occurred to me to give gifts to sports coaches. Maybe a Christmas card. But sounds like there is a competitive industry going on in this team to do so - weird that they are showing off the gifts from other parents on social media .
The coaches seem to be very invested in their gifts.
I agree with @JustUseTheDoorSanta

Elodeastar · 17/12/2021 09:04

You maybe need to question your motives for sending the gifts? In all honesty I think that thank you notes are not very common nowadays, although of course it's nice if someone chooses to do it. Are they good coaches who encourage, inspire and teach your daughter? That's really what matters, not how they react to (perhaps unnecessary) gifts.

Restart10 · 17/12/2021 09:06

I think candles was overkill tbh. I actually don't know anyone into candles including myself. So that is a very specific type of gift. I'm with your dh. A card is fine and a very generic, standard gift if you want but I would avoid doing this thing of buying expensive gifts. If they said thanks at the time, then that's fine.