To ask where you meet professional men?

[InsideMyBed]

To people that have professional dh with high earning careers (over 100k salary ).

Where did you meet them and how did you get together?

Wondering because apart from consultant doctors and dentists that I interact with in clinical settings only, I don’t think I ever come across men who earn over 100k salary.

I feel like most people I know earn £18,000 - £55,000 at the most. I’m sure a few might be on £60k but £100,000 a year . That seems like so much money to me. I’m a university graduate and most jobs in my industry pay between £25,000 - £35,000 a year.

Where do you meet men who earn over £100k a year? Apart from doctors, dentists and barristers. I’m a bit jealous I will admit because these are the kinds of men I don’t even have access to much less share my life with one!

My dh earns slightly over 80k...I met him in a bar but kinda knew him from childhood...he doesn't have a degree and didn't go to college. It's not always professionals that earn high incomes @InsideMyBed

@lap90
I'm not surprised your brother is having issues with dating if he thinks someone simply seeking a 'professional' is some kind of gold digger.
It is not that he thinks that everyone who is seeking a "professional" is some kind of gold differ, but it does almost seem code for wanting someone to live off. It always seems really odd terminology when people write that they are seeking a professional, it always seems really odd terminology. There are also plenty of women who put "career driven partner" when they have no career themselves.

He is not open about how much he earns apart from with very close family and two friends as he has learned some people differently when they find out they are high earners. It is not obvious it is that high from his lifestyle, but it is still obviously higher than many. From OLD he has also discovered that some women aren't interested in him because he didn't go to university (he left school after GCSEs).

With Covid dating has obviously been severely disrupted but he has met some lovely women that were just not for him. He has been through a few years of changes, he had therapy for the issues our parents caused him and is now very comfortable in his own skin, had a fitness push and is now very fit and my friends (who are all already married, so not suitable) describe him as "really hot". I am sure he will find someone, but it has really shown me how gold digging some women are (and I know not all, many are absolutely normal and balanced).

That all sounds like women trying to avoid cock-lodgers, @MatildaIThink. If your brother really used the word “parasites” then he is no loss to any woman, regardless of his income.

@BasicDad

Vast majority of life coupling up of £100k+ men is happening with £100k+ women in finance/legal/IT/other professional services.

If you want to just date and take your chances, then try The Ned.

Possibly for first marriages. I'm divorced, work for a charity and met my guy online. Neither of us are drinkers, so unlikely to meet in bars. At our ages, lots of people are married, so you're 'fishing' in a smaller pool, as it were.

My ex husband earned well over £100,000 and was a tosser!

I own my own house and have a good pension, I wasn't looking for someone to keep me!

@SparklingLime

That all sounds like women trying to avoid cock-lodgers, *@MatildaIThink*. If your brother really used the word “parasites” then he is no loss to any woman, regardless of his income.

That was my wording, not his. I hate seeing people try to sponge off him just because he earns good money.

@SparklingLime

That all sounds like women trying to avoid cock-lodgers, *@MatildaIThink*. If your brother really used the word “parasites” then he is no loss to any woman, regardless of his income.

Why? Some people absolutely are parasites when it comes to partners and finances. Why shouldn’t that be called out?

I think this may be a zombie thread from the 1950s....
No need to meet high earning men. I became a very high earning woman 🤷

@MsMeNz

I think this may be a zombie thread from the 1950s.... No need to meet high earning men. I became a very high earning woman 🤷

I did the same, and my husband, who I married when we both earned less than £25k pa also became high earning. However there have always been and will always be gold diggers because they see it as an easier route to a comfortable life.

@SparklingLime

That all sounds like women trying to avoid cock-lodgers, *@MatildaIThink*. If your brother really used the word “parasites” then he is no loss to any woman, regardless of his income.

18 pages about picking up men who earn lots of money and apparently your take is that it is about avoiding "cocklogders"?

Assuming that all women behave well and have good motivations is massively naïve.

Seeking men to provide financial support for you and the lifestyle you want is internalised mysogyny as far as I am concerned. It suggests you have no faith in your abilities to achieve this by yourself as a woman.

OP why don't you try to earn more.....your dripping desperation isn't going to attract any keepers!

My former BIL met his new partner on an exclusive dating app for top level corporate types called boardroom dating or something equally foul. But both people have to be at that level. Lots of high net worth people who’ve married their university sweethearts and then divorced once the kids are old enough not to receive child support

Another BIL met my sister at a mutual friend’s party when they were in their early 20s

My brothers who are doctors met their wives at work (wives were nurses)

My Dad met my mum through being friends with her brother at University

So all fairly normal

Seeking men to provide financial support for you and the lifestyle you want is internalised mysogyny as far as I am concerned. It suggests you have no faith in your abilities to achieve this by yourself as a woman.

I don't agree that it is having 'no faith in your abilities', but more a case of a colossal sense of entitlement that someone else owes you a comfortable lifestyle. I used to live in Fulham for several years, there were plenty of public school educated red brick uni graduate women who drifted along working as PA's in the city waiting to hook up with Mr Big. These were not stupid women, they had a first class education to forge ahead with their own careers, but instead elected to take the lazy route and become 'ladies who lunch'.

@DillonPanthersTexas

Seeking men to provide financial support for you and the lifestyle you want is internalised mysogyny as far as I am concerned. It suggests you have no faith in your abilities to achieve this by yourself as a woman.

I don't agree that it is having 'no faith in your abilities', but more a case of a colossal sense of entitlement that someone else owes you a comfortable lifestyle. I used to live in Fulham for several years, there were plenty of public school educated red brick uni graduate women who drifted along working as PA's in the city waiting to hook up with Mr Big. These were not stupid women, they had a first class education to forge ahead with their own careers, but instead elected to take the lazy route and become 'ladies who lunch'.

OTOH if you marry for money you earn every penny. I don’t think it’s particularly’lazy’. From an independence POV, sure don’t rely on a partner. But from a personal traits POV I don’t see why looking for money is less acceptable than other ‘shallow’ things like physical fitness or looks. And trust me looking for a ‘kind, generous principled blah2’ man is casting too wide a net. There are plenty of decent blokes out there despite what MN says.

@MatildaIThink I wanted a professional - do I count as a gold digger if I’m a higher earner myself? I’m from a faraway country so have at least one ‘foreign holiday’ a year, prefer to throw money at problems (like hiring cleaners) and generally

generally buy organic food.
Of course if I met a man I reallllllyyyy liked and threw it away for money I’d be a bit but having dated lower earners before they simply couldn’t understand why I ‘wasted’ so much money. I don’t think we’d be compatible on a lifestyle basis.

@BeyondOurReef

My husband earns over £100k working in IT. The high salary does not make him any easier to live with. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Brilliant

In the unlikely event that this thread is for real, the most amusing thing is that OP is going to fall flat on her face if she ever tries to go gold-digging.

The women I've known who've been successful at it are sharp, savvy and smart about it, and certainly don't need to be told any of this shit (nor would they dream of asking MN of all places).

I wanted a professional - do I count as a gold digger if I’m a higher earner myself?

No. Because you weren’t looking for someone to support you financially. You were looking for compatibility- of lifestyle, of means, of various things. Presumably you also don’t want to financially support them (barring unforeseen circumstances).

I was looking for a ‘professional’ too in the loosest possible sense. Not a salary but someone who’d worked hard to learn things and build a career because that’s what I’ve done. I wasn’t looking for a salary - I don’t earn anything like £100k. Just someone whose aspirations would work with mine. Loads of people who fit that description earn far less than £100k.

It just so happens that my husband earns over £100k. I didn’t know how much he earned when I met him - what I was interested in was that he’d worked for qualifications and gained experience and built a career that gives him a sense of personal fulfilment. He didn’t actually earn over £100k when he met me (his choices in the preceding several years had actually limited his earning power significantly). He’s been better able to develop his career in the context of our relationship.

But, as I said, he’s a bloody nightmare to live with. The money he earns doesn’t change that one bit.

And his previous choices mean that his high salary doesn’t really translate into the shared family pot as more than I contribute (despite my far lower salary). I can support myself and my children perfectly adequately on my own - so being supported isn’t part of my thinking about what matters in a partner.

my husband is on that money. I've been with him since i was 20 where he earned 40 pounds a week as a poor student.

@BeyondOurReef

I wanted a professional - do I count as a gold digger if I’m a higher earner myself?

No. Because you weren’t looking for someone to support you financially. You were looking for compatibility- of lifestyle, of means, of various things. Presumably you also don’t want to financially support them (barring unforeseen circumstances).

I was looking for a ‘professional’ too in the loosest possible sense. Not a salary but someone who’d worked hard to learn things and build a career because that’s what I’ve done. I wasn’t looking for a salary - I don’t earn anything like £100k. Just someone whose aspirations would work with mine. Loads of people who fit that description earn far less than £100k.

It just so happens that my husband earns over £100k. I didn’t know how much he earned when I met him - what I was interested in was that he’d worked for qualifications and gained experience and built a career that gives him a sense of personal fulfilment. He didn’t actually earn over £100k when he met me (his choices in the preceding several years had actually limited his earning power significantly). He’s been better able to develop his career in the context of our relationship.

But, as I said, he’s a bloody nightmare to live with. The money he earns doesn’t change that one bit.

And his previous choices mean that his high salary doesn’t really translate into the shared family pot as more than I contribute (despite my far lower salary). I can support myself and my children perfectly adequately on my own - so being supported isn’t part of my thinking about what matters in a partner.

Fair enough. I must admit that I am bloody difficult to live with - it’s why I’m so good at my job 😂 so is DP

What about women who want to become a SAHM though? Is that a gold digging aspiration?

I don’t mean those who decide to step down after kids and plan to return later etc I mean women whose main ambition is to be one. Surely that requires a certain level of income? Maybe not 100K but she’d still be looking to marry for money?

But from a personal traits POV I don’t see why looking for money is less acceptable than other ‘shallow’ things like physical fitness or looks.

I don't think it is shallow to look for those things par se, but if you don't bring those same qualities to the table yet expect a prospective partner to then it does come across as somewhat entitled. When I was OLD I was looking for 'graduate professionals' who were sporty and liked the outdoors. I had been in relationships before with low wage 'nice' people before and quite frankly it got irritating having to pay for pretty much everything while they bumbled along with zero ambition to improve their lot career wise. Sure, there are exceptions and being a graduate 'professional' does not mean some stellar career awaits you but I think there is a strong enough correlation between having said credentials and living a comfortable independent life. I wanted to meet an equal, not someone I had to 'look after'. When I met my wife we were both in our early 30s, owned our own respective properties, were well advanced in our careers and could afford a certain quality of life that we had both worked hard to achieve and did not want to compromise on. Of course there were a raft of other attributes that attracted us to one another but being financially matched was fairly important.

I think 'gold digger' is a fairly unpleasant term but such people do exist and thankfully are easy to spot on the dating scene so could be avoided.

I concentrated on my own earning power on the basis I would always be with me but may not always be with, or want to be with, a man. That has worked out quite well for me and now I am surrounded by men on high incomes. I am not married to someone on 100k+. I married for love. Concentrating on making sure I was secure all by myself gave me that luxury. To be fair he met me when I was on minimum wage and also stayed for love. So sometimes doing that, and supporting eachother, wins the day.

Personally I would focus more on someone ambitious and motivated. Someone could earn alot then lose that job and if they dont have those qualities may not earn it again. Yet a person with them may start on minimum wage but end up in the top 1%.

At work 20 years ago but he wasn't earning that much, it's grown over the years as he's been promoted.

What about women who want to become a SAHM though? Is that a gold digging aspiration?

I don’t mean those who decide to step down after kids and plan to return later etc I mean women whose main ambition is to be one. Surely that requires a certain level of income? Maybe not 100K but she’d still be looking to marry for money?

Tbh, I’m not impressed with anyone whose ambition is to find someone to pay for their preferred lifestyle. Whether that lifestyle is being a SAHM or anything else.

We don’t encourage boys to grow up with the ambition to find a woman to pay for them. And we shouldn’t be positioning that as an ‘ambition’ for girls.

Just as we should not be bringing up boys to expect to find a wife to ‘look after them’.

The whole of society would be much better off if we saw domestic and family jobs - all of them, including providing financially - as a shared thing. It would arguably be much better for everyone if aspirations were reoriented around both parents to work PT so that the child could be looked after by its parents rather than one parent giving up work for years to support the other’s career.

The gender pay gap issues won’t change without significant societal change that involves moving away from those kind of gendered expectations. Sure it’s hard when the woman already earns far less - but that’s often related to gendered norms and expectations anyway.

But from a personal traits POV I don’t see why looking for money is less acceptable than other ‘shallow’ things like physical fitness or looks.
I do not think that everyone who wants physical fitness is shallow, nor do I think wanting a partner who earns a reasonable amount is shallow, but they key is both should be brining something equal to the relationship. It can be different once a couple have children, but the idea that a woman should find a high earner to support her, whilst having little income herself is not something many would want, especially from the man's perspective. Just as it always sems odd when a man says he wants a slim or athletic partner, when being obese himself (or a woman says she wants a athletic or muscular partner, whilst being obese). If people expect certain standards from their partner then they should also uphold those standards themselves.

Mate, get yourself down a building site. My partner is a bricklayer, already earns 15k more than me and he's in his late twenties. His dad owns the firm and earns well over 100k. Maybe not 'professional' in the way you're meaning though..?