To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

It is nice to be able to make my own decisions however it is tough going never ever to get a break. I cannot even pop to the corner shop to get milk or go out shopping. A night out costs me a bomb when I need to pay a babysitter. Plus I suspect people like schools are always a bit more dubious about a single parent than a married couple. It's a tough enough going lifestyle.

@logsonlogsoff

‘ Kids need fathers, there is a lot of detriment from not having a father for both genders. Personally I don't think women should have the right to remove fathers from their children by choice unless father is abusive, unwell etc ’

Our kids, who have 2 mums, appear to be happy, secure confident. So I’d disagree with this. They do have very positive male role models in their lives but no father.

Yep, children aren’t in need of a mum or dad, they’re in need of at least one reliable adult they can form a secure attachment to.

Plus us gay parents generally raise children who go on to do very very well.

I'm in my late 40s now. Of the few friends that have children five of them have chosen to have a child alone. Bthey are all very intelligent, professional women. They have their reasons but essentially they don't require someone else and don't wish to compromise on their own goals etc by being tied to another adult. They are definitely independent and prefer it that way. I think for very driven women who do want a child it's probably the best fit to go it alone. Being in a couple isn't for everyone. Children do fine with single parents and then aren't having to ever navigate the emotions of a split when, enivitably, things go south.

@Franca123

I'd look into the cost of childcare if I were you. I'm a high earner but no idea how I'd cope on just my income with no partner. Plus I don't think we should invalidate the hugely important role of father's.

Yes the childcare costs can be pretty shocking. As I said, £3.2k per month for my two kids and that was a while ago. Although I was a high earner it just wasn't feasible to pay this.

@WellLarDeDar

You have some very extreme/misinformed ideas of marriage and also unrealistic expectations of having children... Rested and relaxed made me LOL.

The rested and relaxed comment did make me smile.

and then aren't having to ever navigate the emotions of a split when, inevitably, things go south.

What a depressing statement. Not all relationships fail.

@Eversograteful

It would also be nice to have a baby without someone pestering me for sex afterwards and making me feel guilty when I’m not ready for it.

Or generally being married and forced to complete sexual acts that I don’t want to. Basically, I just view marriage as something that takes away my liberty and forces me into being someone I don’t want to be and doing things that I don’t want to do to make other people happy - but not myself.

I think the issue is more your choice in men. My husband has been nothing but supportive since we had DC, and he has never once pestered me for sex or made me feel obliged to complete sexual acts. He also supports me in how I want to look after DS as he knows I’m the one doing all the work whilst on maternity.

I think you may be underestimating how difficult being a single parent is.

What kind of support do you have? Family, friends that would take the baby in an emergency? I see it on here so often, single parents that need to go in to hospital for example but have nobody to take their child - what would you do in a situation where you need to spend a few days/weeks in hospital for whatever reason?

My partner works offshore and we have a 7 month old baby, he's away for 2-3 weeks at a time and of course I manage, just as you will, but it isn't easy and it's so much easier having him around. If it wasn't for him helping with our son I wouldn't have had any sleep during the newborn stage, never mind being "well rested".
I was also never pestered for sex, before or after having our baby - if you're with someone that does that then it's nothing to do with being married/having kids - it's that person that's the issue and will be regardless of marriage.

I also think you need to think about when the child's older - when they ask you why they don't have a Dad in their lives, do you feel your reasons are good enough to answer those questions and them to understand your reasoning?
I grew up mostly without a dad (by his choice) - it isn't fun as a child having other kids asking why you don't have a dad and having to explain that to them.

When I see the relationship that my son and his dad have, I'd be gutted if he didn't have that.

It is of course your choice, but from your reasons mentioned it seems as though you've only ever met all the wrong men (there are good ones out there). I just think you seem to be underestimating how difficult it is - none of the single parents I know would have done it by choice

You don’t need to be married to have a good relationship with someone. You also don’t have to have a ‘wedding’ if you don’t want to- friends of mine went to the townhall then the pub afterwards. About 12 of us all in.
You don’t have to change your name. You don’t have to do anything you dont want to if you’re with someone who loves and respects you.
As for doing parenting your way, sure but in the flip side having to make ALL decisions for your child alone without anyone else would be tough. Half the time we’re not sure we’re doing the ‘right’ thing, parenting is tough. ESP when they get older.
That whole ‘little kids, little problems -big kids, big problems’ is so true.

I think life is very hard for single parents - imagine doing a strenuous job all day every day without any reprieve. You will get less sleep as no one to share the load with.

It is more stable for dc to have two parents who love and care for them. What happens if something happens to you?

You don't need to get married (we didn't). And I fully support a plan not to have a baby with the sort of rape-y man who "pesters" for sex. But you could always have a baby with another person who isn't.

I am a single parent and it's really, really hard. I found the baby days lovely as I had just come out of an abusive relationship and loved making my own choices and it just being me and dd. But now she is five it's REALLY HARD and draining and I often need to ask work for l flexibility and family and friends for help.

The marriage you describe is abusive and no one should put up with those things ie being made to have sex you don't want. You also don't have to take their name or spend £20k. Some odd views as being in a good relationship with the right person can be so amazing and rewarding.

That said it's up to you isn't it.

One of my friends did this - she didn't want to have a baby with another person so she used a donor. She has family support but they don't live locally. She works long hours so her child is in childcare for 10-11 hours per day. It's not what I'd do but I'm not able to have kids, so I guess maybe I bring my own baggage to it.

I'm far from an advocate of marriage (my parents were and are unhappily married and the atmosphere in the home was dreadful) but I think choosing to bring a child into the world where it'll only have one active parent is a bit selfish, sorry. It's not in their best interests (which is the thing that matters most).

1 - if that's what you envision marriage to be like, you're in the wrong one.
2 - the saying 'takes a village to raise a child,' didn't come from nowhere. Yes single parents make it work but it's exhaustingly hard work. You say you can parent how you like and be well rested. Do you know how unpredictable life is, let alone children????

It's good to have a contingency plan yes. But that doesn't mean life will pan out that way.

I absolutely haven't lost my identity to my husband and I'm proud to have his last name and proof that my daughter does too.

It just sounds like an Abusive Marriage vision or a massive anti men post.

Children need their dads, and their dads have just a right to parent their children as the mum.

If a male came along hypothetically and said they are choosing to be a lone parent, it would be such a different conversation.

You're perfectly entitled to do what you want, but all of your points relating to relationships are very negative ones. I can't relate to any of them.

I know a PP said that mumsnet is full of men doing exactly these things, and this is true, but women are far more likely to write a post asking for advice about a shitty situation than they are to let everyone know how happy and relaxed their partner is and how wonderful their relationship is. Hardly anyone is going to go out of their way to do that.

Also, I think you're seeing parenting through rose tinted specs. It will be extraordinarily difficult doing it on your own from the outset. What happens when nursery calls you at work in the middle of an important meeting because your child is vomiting everywhere and you need to collect them? Do you have nearby support on standby for this sort of thing?

Good luck to you if this is what you want! It will be hard, but good luck.

Sounds like you have only ever dated twats OP.

Maybe you need to raise your bar when it comes to men.

I don’t mean this patronisingly, but I suggest you talk this through with someone qualified to pick through your thought process.
You can absolutely be able to provide 100% on your own for your child but still co-parent with their father. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
I cannot imagine a single scenario where my children would be better off alone with me and not have their dad in their life- and your assertion a child would be is very sad and tragic. Maybe for you if you feel unable to share your life with someone else, but to force that upon a child and take away a father/ child relationship from your child is selfish.
Pick the father carefully, and if he’s a good dad your argument does not stack up that it’s in the child’s best interest.
My husband and I have been a team- he has never been a “hindrance” in my life and only served to lighten the load when my kids were babies. My husband enhances my life- not that I am nothing without him but I enjoy him and our life we have created together. Not sure where you get this extreme view of marriages. I feel bad for you that you think a good marriage is unattainable.

You do whatever works for you and the child you raise. It's never one size fits all so so what's right for both.

Please don't make the choice based on the views you have on marriage, a happy marriage is not supposed to be what you describe, I don't recognise anything at all of what you have said.

But that aside, yes, you crack on providing your child has access to their father, do whatever.

To be married you don’t need half the things you’ve listed. Our wedding consisted of 6 guests, cost next to nothing. I’ve not changed my name and use Miss or Ms depending on my mood.

My husband isn’t an arsehole so has never pestered for sex, waiting until I was ready after giving birth, which was several months.

We are a team and I don’t quite know how single parents cope. By all means have a child on your own, but your reasoning is far off the mark.

I feel really sorry for you that your idea of a relationship is about control, forced sex and hassle.
Some relationships are actually beautiful partnerships based on equality, trust, respect, love and many other wonderful things.

Wow. Some of these ideas are v odd. You could have a small wedding and not change your name. If you have a decent partner you won’t be forced to have sex too soon. Trying to work has been a nightmare recently with constant ill kids, nursery and childcare closures due to staff illness. When you have to drop everything at work to go and collect kids it’s great to have someone who will do that some of the time!

I agree that parenting alone is preferable to an inadequate man, and that finding one that isn't can be difficult.

It just sounds like an Abusive Marriage vision or a massive anti men post.

That pretty much sums up what I think.

I have been a single mum to ds and dd, since ds was 8 and I was 4 months pregnant with dd. Dd has seen their dad about 4 times in her life. She is 9 now.
People often comment on how lovely my dc are. They can't belive I am a single parent.
It was hard for the first year or so, with night feeds and school runs. But we got through. I am happy with my little family. Although if my ex wasn't a controlling abusive.... insert whatever you like here, I may well have been happy as a family of 4.
There are pros and cons to all situations. If you have friends and family to turn to, it can help.

I couldn't read it all. Immediately hit YABU. You sound very self absorbed. Maybe having children isn't a good idea for you either. They WILL change the course of your life. You will also lose your identity for a little while.

Without being rude, you're better off being without marriage and children.